MIL will not stop nagging us to babysit!

Smileless2012

^toxic love^!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

I have to agree about "toxic love"! And not seeing for a year. That doesn't actually solve anything does it

She IS over zealous and definitely needs speaking to particularly about using the GD as a bargaining tool. I do think "broken record" is useful when someone won't stop ...after having a proper conversation about the problem without GD present. But it seems communication is a problem even when MiL was looking after GD weekly. And I can see how easily it slips into "putting up with" for a long time sadly

Chalk and cheese isn't it?
Neither is right or wrong, just different.

If she's 5 she's at school which means only weekends are free, well, Friday and Saturday night.

We've just had the Easter holidays so maybe if your daughter enjoyed it, say the next holiday? I think that's end of May?

During the school week is a no, they need routine and an early night otherwise it dominos through the week.

The daughter is five years old. OP says they are introverted, I don't know if that is just her and her husband or the little girl as well. Sounds like the mother-in-law is more extroverted, maybe that's why they don't get on. If the little girl is extroverted, like her gran, she probably loves spending time with her, she may think she's fun and exciting, outgoing and sociable, all things that introverted people are not. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, but assuming this means quiet, shy, unsociable, uncommunicative, it is probably a pretty calm and peaceful household. If the 5 yr old is happy with this it's fine, but if my almost 3 and 5 yr old granddaughters are anything to go by, they love a day with me, having fun, going crazy, boisterous and laughing their heads off 😂🤣.

I'm an only child and was brought up in adult company, I couldn't relate to other children who were boisterous, noisy and mischievous. I now enjoy nothing more than acting the goat with my granddaughters, seeing how high I can get on the swing, letting them stick stickers all over my face, singing songs at the top of our voices and dancing on the patio 💃🎶🎵.

I really hope OP's daughter gets to enjoy the company of her gran, it's a completely different relationship to that of parents. Most of us no longer have the worries and concerns of young parents, we've been there, done that, and come out the other side. I don't feel as strung up as I did thirty years ago, I am comfortable in my own skin, I feel more confident and relaxed.

Don't worry, be happy 😁.

Why does this all sound familiar?
🤔

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is that's precisely what's needed silverlining.

How old is your daughter?

It would annoy me too especially if she's not long had a sleepover and keeps asking so much, sounds like she's trying to wear you both down.

I wouldn't let it get to you, just keep it light 'thank you for the offer, we will let you know when' etc.

BlueBelle

I think you re on the wrong site ask on mumsnet ?

I would not say the wrong site as the OP is asking other Grans their opinions, you know mumsnetters would tell her to go be quite harsh and perhaps cut her her Mil off completely by going no contact.🙄.
In answer to you question, I would be plain speaking and be as firm as possible without sounding harsh and say I am sure xxx will love another sleep over but at the moment she has lots going on so we will let you know when it's convenient for everyone.
Could you just do them during school holidays for instance but without setting a firm pattern, as I find some people fixate on that too.
My own MiL would be like this once you started something it was that day every week and you were made to feel guilty if it didn't happen.

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.

Should be ‘when’ rather than ‘where’ at the beginning of the second sentence.

I am a mother in law three times over and I have never assumed anything, I have done a lot of child care for five grandchildren between 1988 and 2020 but only when I was asked. Where you are a mother in law rather than a mother there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed and I’m sorry your mother in law doesn’t understand this, she may find out the hard way.

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

Just remind me how many GC you have? 🤔🙄

Good afternoon Hithere

Good morning smileless!

"Thank you for your kind offer; we will let you know when we need it." - and repeat.

The central worrying thing here is that your MIL is using your child as leverage. I cannot begin to tell you how damaging this is. You need to take your child from the room every time she does this.

My mother did this to my small DD just ONCE - she got the message from me loud and clear that this was unacceptable. I spent my childhood in that painful bind and was incensed when it was tried on a child of mine,

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

That's interesting to know, I can usually understand what grandlarent behaviours are OK & which aren't, but I may have done this in the future if I hadn't been warned ('ask your Mum if...').
I remember this as something my grandparents would say to me (when Mum was present) or my DSs grandparents would say to them, I don't think we felt pressured by it, although I used to think 'no point me asking Mum for anything she doesn't herself want'.
I can just about see it might be a bit irritating & possibly confuse the child, so definitely will not say that myself (my grandson's not sleepover age yet)

OP, obviously you and your MIL have very different personalities and you find her overwhelming and pushy, but how does your daughter feel about being with her grandmother? Did you say your daughter is five? Does she enjoy sleepovers at her grandmother’s and seem relaxed spending time with her?

A sleepover at MIL’s solves the problem of your dislike of having MIL driving you crazy in your home, and if some arrangement can be agreed between you for the occasional sleepover it might work out satisfactorily all round, as long as your daughter seems happy with such an arrangement. I think her responses to her grandmother are all-important.

toxic love!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

There is a serious communication problem here which could lead to a conflict that can be difficult to resolve.

Involving the child is, I agree, not on. You are all adults and should be behaving as such.

Asking a question and receiving an answer shouldn't be so difficult to manage. Why don't you settle for a regular stop-over? Say once a month on the first weekend? That would provide some structure and boundaries.

When MIL asks for extra time just remind her that isn't what was agreed.

If she continues to ask then you just have to rinse and repeat.

Rude behaviour at the dinner table should be being managed by your DH, her DS, because he should be backing you by saying, 'your question has been answered, mum, so don't ask anymore.'

If he won't back you on this then your have communication issue with DH as well as your MIL.

Your child will be observing and picking up on all this discord whether you like it or not, but cutting MIL out all together because you don't 'like' her is not being a good role model for your child either.

Please just sit down like grown-ups and work something out.

Perhaps it might be best if your husband talks to his mum. He might tell her that he understands she is willing to babysit, he will tell her when and if he needs her help. Never change his words.

She seems confusingly interested in babysitting and sleepovers. Perhaps your husband could arrange to see his mum, bringing daughter with him monthly?

I'm an introvert, her behaviour would upset me.

I have some sympathy for the OP and, like others, think that she needs to be firmer with MIL and just say "NO. Stop asking". By coincidence, I've just finished reading a thread over on Mumsnet about a young mum who's very upset that her in-laws, who live close by, just aren't interested in babysitting their young grandchildren. They won't do any school drop offs or pick ups, not interested in school holiday play dates and have never had them for a sleep over. They remember birthdays etc but have only ever attended 2 of their birthday parties. The OP is so sad that her in-laws apparently prioritise their social life above their grandchildren and is asking for advice on how to get her in-laws more involved. Funny old world isn't it?

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

I don't understand the "needy" grandparent, it's the other side of the put upon ones, where offspring demand they give up much of their time to take on onerous hours of child minding. Both are unacceptable. As grandparents, we've all had our shot at being a parent without trying to go down that road vicariously. OP you're the mother, you call the shots. Just say NO! that's your prerogative.

The granddaughter is five MOnica.

Allsorts

IT is clear you want mil out of the way. Just tell her straight you don't want her to mention having her granddaughter. Best to put her out of her misery she obviously feels very side lined and insecure. Perhaps your husband, her son will visit mil with her grandchild you don't have to. My granddaughter was kept from me, when she left Uni she came back to me which is my greatest joy as I love her with all my heart, almost every night I cried for her and missed her childhood with her thinking I didn't care.

That’s quite a leap!

MIL’s behaviour is unacceptable. You ask once, not repeatedly.

Why don’t you and your DH both sit down with you MIL and tell her how nice it is that she has such a close relationship with your DD and that you really appreciate her offers to babysit. However, the constant nagging is getting very wearing. Therefore, you would like to suggest that you arrange a regular fixed date, perhaps once a month ( or whatever you feel appropriate), but do make it clear that other times will only be in exceptional circumstances. This will give your MIL something to look forward to and some sort of structure to her life, which appears rather lonely.