MIL will not stop nagging us to babysit!

Should be ‘when’ rather than ‘where’ at the beginning of the second sentence.

I am a mother in law three times over and I have never assumed anything, I have done a lot of child care for five grandchildren between 1988 and 2020 but only when I was asked. Where you are a mother in law rather than a mother there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed and I’m sorry your mother in law doesn’t understand this, she may find out the hard way.

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

Just remind me how many GC you have? 🤔🙄

Good afternoon Hithere

Good morning smileless!

"Thank you for your kind offer; we will let you know when we need it." - and repeat.

The central worrying thing here is that your MIL is using your child as leverage. I cannot begin to tell you how damaging this is. You need to take your child from the room every time she does this.

My mother did this to my small DD just ONCE - she got the message from me loud and clear that this was unacceptable. I spent my childhood in that painful bind and was incensed when it was tried on a child of mine,

Hithere

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

That's interesting to know, I can usually understand what grandlarent behaviours are OK & which aren't, but I may have done this in the future if I hadn't been warned ('ask your Mum if...').
I remember this as something my grandparents would say to me (when Mum was present) or my DSs grandparents would say to them, I don't think we felt pressured by it, although I used to think 'no point me asking Mum for anything she doesn't herself want'.
I can just about see it might be a bit irritating & possibly confuse the child, so definitely will not say that myself (my grandson's not sleepover age yet)

OP, obviously you and your MIL have very different personalities and you find her overwhelming and pushy, but how does your daughter feel about being with her grandmother? Did you say your daughter is five? Does she enjoy sleepovers at her grandmother’s and seem relaxed spending time with her?

A sleepover at MIL’s solves the problem of your dislike of having MIL driving you crazy in your home, and if some arrangement can be agreed between you for the occasional sleepover it might work out satisfactorily all round, as long as your daughter seems happy with such an arrangement. I think her responses to her grandmother are all-important.

toxic love!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

There is a serious communication problem here which could lead to a conflict that can be difficult to resolve.

Involving the child is, I agree, not on. You are all adults and should be behaving as such.

Asking a question and receiving an answer shouldn't be so difficult to manage. Why don't you settle for a regular stop-over? Say once a month on the first weekend? That would provide some structure and boundaries.

When MIL asks for extra time just remind her that isn't what was agreed.

If she continues to ask then you just have to rinse and repeat.

Rude behaviour at the dinner table should be being managed by your DH, her DS, because he should be backing you by saying, 'your question has been answered, mum, so don't ask anymore.'

If he won't back you on this then your have communication issue with DH as well as your MIL.

Your child will be observing and picking up on all this discord whether you like it or not, but cutting MIL out all together because you don't 'like' her is not being a good role model for your child either.

Please just sit down like grown-ups and work something out.

Perhaps it might be best if your husband talks to his mum. He might tell her that he understands she is willing to babysit, he will tell her when and if he needs her help. Never change his words.

She seems confusingly interested in babysitting and sleepovers. Perhaps your husband could arrange to see his mum, bringing daughter with him monthly?

I'm an introvert, her behaviour would upset me.

I have some sympathy for the OP and, like others, think that she needs to be firmer with MIL and just say "NO. Stop asking". By coincidence, I've just finished reading a thread over on Mumsnet about a young mum who's very upset that her in-laws, who live close by, just aren't interested in babysitting their young grandchildren. They won't do any school drop offs or pick ups, not interested in school holiday play dates and have never had them for a sleep over. They remember birthdays etc but have only ever attended 2 of their birthday parties. The OP is so sad that her in-laws apparently prioritise their social life above their grandchildren and is asking for advice on how to get her in-laws more involved. Funny old world isn't it?

The moment your MIL involved your child in asking you for sleepovers and babysitting crossed a major line.
That is unacceptable and manipulative.

What do you and your dh want? What have you replied to that question to her directly?
What do you do when she asks your daughter in front of you?

I would not let that toxic love around my child, personally.
I would tell my MIL - each time you bring it up and we tell you no, thats a month you dont see our family.
If you dare ask our daughter again, you wont see the family for a year

Time for mama bear to come out

I don't understand the "needy" grandparent, it's the other side of the put upon ones, where offspring demand they give up much of their time to take on onerous hours of child minding. Both are unacceptable. As grandparents, we've all had our shot at being a parent without trying to go down that road vicariously. OP you're the mother, you call the shots. Just say NO! that's your prerogative.

The granddaughter is five MOnica.

Allsorts

IT is clear you want mil out of the way. Just tell her straight you don't want her to mention having her granddaughter. Best to put her out of her misery she obviously feels very side lined and insecure. Perhaps your husband, her son will visit mil with her grandchild you don't have to. My granddaughter was kept from me, when she left Uni she came back to me which is my greatest joy as I love her with all my heart, almost every night I cried for her and missed her childhood with her thinking I didn't care.

That’s quite a leap!

MIL’s behaviour is unacceptable. You ask once, not repeatedly.

Why don’t you and your DH both sit down with you MIL and tell her how nice it is that she has such a close relationship with your DD and that you really appreciate her offers to babysit. However, the constant nagging is getting very wearing. Therefore, you would like to suggest that you arrange a regular fixed date, perhaps once a month ( or whatever you feel appropriate), but do make it clear that other times will only be in exceptional circumstances. This will give your MIL something to look forward to and some sort of structure to her life, which appears rather lonely.

What does your husband think Succulent? Suggest that he has a word with his mum. It doesn't look from your OP as if either of you have asked her to stop constantly asking when she can baby sit. She can hardly be criticised for stepping on your boundaries, of she doesn't know what those boundaries are.

If you're feeling like you don't want to take your D to her GP's, suggest your husband takes her some of the time without you.

Your MiL is overbearing and whilst I understand how much she wants to be involved, the constant asking must be getting you down.

Why not get your DH to speak quite bluntly, explaining that by constantly going on and on she’s making the whole likelihood of having her DGD to stay is lessening.

She’s your daughter, not hers, and I would never dream of behaving like your MiL.

Magenta8, your MIL sounds awful, your poor husband 😟.

The difference between your MIL and OP's, is that yours didn't want a close relationship with her grandchildren, but OP's does.

The differing replies just go to show how different we see things and how people's opinions can be worlds apart.

I am so grateful that my daughter-in-law needs/wants me in her life 🥰, and I'm sad for those that don't have that in theirs 🙁💐.

I would be very worried about leaving my child with such a needy grandparent. This behaviour is really abnormal. I would have no confidence in what she might do or say to my child in my absence and also doubt her capacity to react wisely in any emergency stuation.

You do not say how old your child is, but are they olde enough to to discuss this with to find out what they would prefer?

In the meanwhile you and your DH need to discuss what freuency of visit you would be happy with and then you and your DH must sit downw ith your MiL and tell her what you (all of you) have decided and tell her that constantly bringing the subject up will not help and will only lead to you all seeing less of her.

Meanwhile try and get her to find something else to interest her and get her to understand that being a grandmother should only be one aspect of her life, not her be all and end all.

You and your husband must act absolutely in tune on this so first make you sure have cleatly agrred a joint way forward.

I think assertive polite statements are needed ..broken record model as in just keep repeating regardless!!

"I am aware you are available thankyou. We will let you know when needed" ..."We will let you kniw when needed"...."We will ..." ..."You have now mentioned this ...times. please stop as it is pointless. We will let you know when needed" ..."I have answered that. Im not repeating myself any more" ..when she says it again just look at her!

Re your daughter "** knows that she can stay with you when we decide is the best time." ...repeat and repeat but also speak to MIL away from your daughter to say "Please do not involve * in planning visits. It is not fair on her or us" ...repeat...repeat. if necessary you have to say "If you keep involving her in this then we will not be able to arrange visits as we will not have her involved in choices that do not match with our choices!"

Your MIL is well out of order! The pressure she is putting on both you and especially your daughter is totally unacceptable, I’m not surprised you feel as you do.

I suggest you initiate a complete break, tell her why and then when you feel ready, and your MIL is ready to respect boundaries, re-start the visits etc very very slowly. If she over-steps again you pull back. It’s the only way I suggest she will learn. Good luck.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

Why does it upset you so much that your MIL wants to spend time with your daughter? You are lucky that she wants a relationship with her, many young couples don't have the luxury of having a night out together or time to themselves to just chill and enjoy one another's company. A grandma/granddaughter relationship is very special, my two granddaughters bring me so much joy. I hope that you can see this from your MIL's and daughter's point of view and let them have time together occasionally, it benefits everyone in the long run.

I was lucky in that my MIL did not want a close relationship with my DCs. Although they did stay with her couple of times, one at a time, when they were little.

They came back to me having slept in the clothes I sent them in, unwashed, teeth not cleaned, hair unbrushed and having been smacked several times for not saying pardon or sitting still.

According to MIL they were the most bad mannered, naughtiest brats in creation. She said this in front of them adding that it was no surprise to her considering what an awful rude mother they had.

IT is clear you want mil out of the way. Just tell her straight you don't want her to mention having her granddaughter. Best to put her out of her misery she obviously feels very side lined and insecure. Perhaps your husband, her son will visit mil with her grandchild you don't have to. My granddaughter was kept from me, when she left Uni she came back to me which is my greatest joy as I love her with all my heart, almost every night I cried for her and missed her childhood with her thinking I didn't care.