MIL will not stop nagging us to babysit!

Would you be brave enough to privately ask your wee Darling how she feels about a sleepover?
Just slip it into the conversation, in a casual relaxed way?
Just for your own clarity.
We don't need to know the response.

I would just call her out, "MIL you've asked me 10 times in this visit alone if you can babysit. If you keep asking relentlessly, we're less likely to ask you, not more likely. You haven't babysat until recently because you have pushed boundaries and ignored rules around our child. Despite this we have trusted you to babysit a couple of weeks ago. Please respect that trust was broken before and it takes time to rebuild. You will be able to babysit again but it will be when we feel ready, not when you push for it. Also, please stop talking through my child and telling child to ask me when they can come for a sleepover. Every time you do this, the answer will be no"

Bless her heart 🥰. Five year olds are very perceptive and she has probably picked up on the situation. She won't want to upset you by asking to see her grandma or bring her up in conversation, she sounds a well behaved and lovely little girl 🌷. I'm glad she loves her grandma 🤗. Please let them have a relationship, it will benefit you all in the long run 🙂.

Maremia - my daughter definitely loves her grandma! She seems fine letting us set the pace when it comes to visits though. She is happy when we plan a visit but she doesn’t ask to see her or bring her up or anything.

How does the Child feel about the situation and the prospective babysitting?

Sadgrandma

Why don’t you and your DH both sit down with you MIL and tell her how nice it is that she has such a close relationship with your DD and that you really appreciate her offers to babysit. However, the constant nagging is getting very wearing. Therefore, you would like to suggest that you arrange a regular fixed date, perhaps once a month ( or whatever you feel appropriate), but do make it clear that other times will only be in exceptional circumstances. This will give your MIL something to look forward to and some sort of structure to her life, which appears rather lonely.

I think this is gread advice.

A regular, once a month babysitting date will give her something to plan for and she might give up the relentless nagging.

Succulent you don't have a mother in law problem; you have a husband problem. Stop trying to deal with it; it isn't your circus; it's your husband’s. Norah has given excellent advice; stop engaging with your mother in law, stop taking her calls; grey rock all further acts of communication from her and tell your husband to man up and deal with his responsibilities.

Children are not parcels to be doled out as gifts to whoever decides they want time with them.

Succulent
The more you engage with her the more oxygen you are giving her: cut off the oxygen supply.
Remember: no is a sentence.

Good advice Norah. Leave this to your husband Succulent.

Succulent ^ She called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more.... we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.^

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone. this feels like some sort of custody battle.

Allow your Husband the pleasure of dealing with his over entitled mum. Don't answer if she calls, don't text, she'll talk at him. End of.

Hithere The MIL is over enthusiastic and wrong to involve the Grandchild, but honestly your reaction is so over the top.

Sorry my above post should say “ At that point, she was babysitting twice a month”

Guys, Her behavior is having the opposite effect. It makes her seem like a safe person. I don’t want to be around often or want my child to be around a lot. Someone suggested a regular monthly type date, but I have concerns that giving her a day she is entitled to will make her behavior worse. I feel so stuck.

My husband is happy to intervene, but unfortunately, she only does this behavior around me. I’m the one she nags for babysitting. I’m the one she talks through my child around when trying to set up another babysitting day. As I mentioned, when she did have weekly babysitting sessions, her behavior was on its worst and when it was time to cut down on babysitting, so my mother had a chance to babysit, she called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more. At that point, she was babysitting twice enough, which to me is plenty. It was at that time that I realized if she is going to be given regular babysitting dates it’s only going to result in more headaches for us. Because if we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone.

Grandparents are supposed to be a source of support and are supposed to work with the family, instead, this feels like some sort of custody battle.

I absolutely detest people speaking through children in the manner you describe. It’s not innocent at all; it’s highly manipulative.

Having said that, communicate. Do it respectfully and kindly, but do use your words. People aren’t mind-readers. Perhaps your husband should take the lead to let her know you’re all finding constant requests overwhelming and the she needs to refrain from putting the child in the middle of her requests.

Poppy Blue Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Hmm I do think MiLs behaviour is wrong ..even though I dont think it is malicious. It needs addressing but with some understanding whilst also being very clear about what is ok and what is not

silverlining48

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.

Good point!

Smileless2012

^toxic love^!!! Just because she's an over zealous GM; ridiculous as is suggesting that if her m.i.l. doesn't do as she's told, she wont see her GD for a year Hithere.

Children are just that, children and shouldn't be used as bargaining tools.

Yes it is a funny old world Cardamomand TBH I'm glad that we never had to try and negotiate what seems to be for some, the minefield of grand parenting.

I have to agree about "toxic love"! And not seeing for a year. That doesn't actually solve anything does it

She IS over zealous and definitely needs speaking to particularly about using the GD as a bargaining tool. I do think "broken record" is useful when someone won't stop ...after having a proper conversation about the problem without GD present. But it seems communication is a problem even when MiL was looking after GD weekly. And I can see how easily it slips into "putting up with" for a long time sadly

Chalk and cheese isn't it?
Neither is right or wrong, just different.

If she's 5 she's at school which means only weekends are free, well, Friday and Saturday night.

We've just had the Easter holidays so maybe if your daughter enjoyed it, say the next holiday? I think that's end of May?

During the school week is a no, they need routine and an early night otherwise it dominos through the week.

The daughter is five years old. OP says they are introverted, I don't know if that is just her and her husband or the little girl as well. Sounds like the mother-in-law is more extroverted, maybe that's why they don't get on. If the little girl is extroverted, like her gran, she probably loves spending time with her, she may think she's fun and exciting, outgoing and sociable, all things that introverted people are not. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, but assuming this means quiet, shy, unsociable, uncommunicative, it is probably a pretty calm and peaceful household. If the 5 yr old is happy with this it's fine, but if my almost 3 and 5 yr old granddaughters are anything to go by, they love a day with me, having fun, going crazy, boisterous and laughing their heads off 😂🤣.

I'm an only child and was brought up in adult company, I couldn't relate to other children who were boisterous, noisy and mischievous. I now enjoy nothing more than acting the goat with my granddaughters, seeing how high I can get on the swing, letting them stick stickers all over my face, singing songs at the top of our voices and dancing on the patio 💃🎶🎵.

I really hope OP's daughter gets to enjoy the company of her gran, it's a completely different relationship to that of parents. Most of us no longer have the worries and concerns of young parents, we've been there, done that, and come out the other side. I don't feel as strung up as I did thirty years ago, I am comfortable in my own skin, I feel more confident and relaxed.

Don't worry, be happy 😁.

Why does this all sound familiar?
🤔

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is that's precisely what's needed silverlining.

How old is your daughter?

It would annoy me too especially if she's not long had a sleepover and keeps asking so much, sounds like she's trying to wear you both down.

I wouldn't let it get to you, just keep it light 'thank you for the offer, we will let you know when' etc.

BlueBelle

I think you re on the wrong site ask on mumsnet ?

I would not say the wrong site as the OP is asking other Grans their opinions, you know mumsnetters would tell her to go be quite harsh and perhaps cut her her Mil off completely by going no contact.🙄.
In answer to you question, I would be plain speaking and be as firm as possible without sounding harsh and say I am sure xxx will love another sleep over but at the moment she has lots going on so we will let you know when it's convenient for everyone.
Could you just do them during school holidays for instance but without setting a firm pattern, as I find some people fixate on that too.
My own MiL would be like this once you started something it was that day every week and you were made to feel guilty if it didn't happen.

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.