MIL will not stop nagging us to babysit!

BlueBelle

I think you re on the wrong site ask on mumsnet ?

I think this is exactly the site to ask. We have some very sensible Grans who will give advice from both perspectives.

vegansrock

I really don't understand pushy grandparents demanding alone time with GC.

Terrible behaviour, in my opinion, to demand so much.

I really don't understand pushy grandparents demanding alone time with GC.

My daughter absolutely adored her MIL and our granddaughter would spend a week with her regularly from quite tiny.
I think if anything she preferred her to me! Well she was great.When she passed away a few years back I felt a bit inadequate, I'm not nearly as charismatic and sociable!

Clearly the OP's m.i.l. doesn't know.

Smileless2012

You did not say they wanted to hurt MILs feelings. I meant that OP/husband doesn’t want to have to say “Mom/MIL your non stop asking about babysitting is annoying, please stop, we will let you know when we are ready”
But that MIL shouldn’t be criticized for crossing a boundary they didn’t tell her about, if I have to tell someone “don’t ask me the same thing 10 times in 1 visit.”
My new boundary is going be- I’m not going be around that person.
Some things aren’t boundaries, they are simple social rules. Who doesn’t know that asking the same question 10 times in 1 visit is inappropriate and extremely excessive?

Yes anotherGran you got my name right but have attributed something to me that I haven't said. I haven't said that the OP is trying to hurt her m.i.l.'s feelings.

To smileless2012 (? I think I got the name correct)
The OP is trying not to hurt her MILs feelings, OP and her husband have already said will let you know when we need a babysitter. Why can’t MIL just act like a normal person? Who asks the same question 10 times in a visit?! I wouldn’t want OP’s MIL babysitting my children- Sounds like she has a memory disorder.

Would you be brave enough to privately ask your wee Darling how she feels about a sleepover?
Just slip it into the conversation, in a casual relaxed way?
Just for your own clarity.
We don't need to know the response.

I would just call her out, "MIL you've asked me 10 times in this visit alone if you can babysit. If you keep asking relentlessly, we're less likely to ask you, not more likely. You haven't babysat until recently because you have pushed boundaries and ignored rules around our child. Despite this we have trusted you to babysit a couple of weeks ago. Please respect that trust was broken before and it takes time to rebuild. You will be able to babysit again but it will be when we feel ready, not when you push for it. Also, please stop talking through my child and telling child to ask me when they can come for a sleepover. Every time you do this, the answer will be no"

Bless her heart 🥰. Five year olds are very perceptive and she has probably picked up on the situation. She won't want to upset you by asking to see her grandma or bring her up in conversation, she sounds a well behaved and lovely little girl 🌷. I'm glad she loves her grandma 🤗. Please let them have a relationship, it will benefit you all in the long run 🙂.

Maremia - my daughter definitely loves her grandma! She seems fine letting us set the pace when it comes to visits though. She is happy when we plan a visit but she doesn’t ask to see her or bring her up or anything.

How does the Child feel about the situation and the prospective babysitting?

Sadgrandma

Why don’t you and your DH both sit down with you MIL and tell her how nice it is that she has such a close relationship with your DD and that you really appreciate her offers to babysit. However, the constant nagging is getting very wearing. Therefore, you would like to suggest that you arrange a regular fixed date, perhaps once a month ( or whatever you feel appropriate), but do make it clear that other times will only be in exceptional circumstances. This will give your MIL something to look forward to and some sort of structure to her life, which appears rather lonely.

I think this is gread advice.

A regular, once a month babysitting date will give her something to plan for and she might give up the relentless nagging.

Succulent you don't have a mother in law problem; you have a husband problem. Stop trying to deal with it; it isn't your circus; it's your husband’s. Norah has given excellent advice; stop engaging with your mother in law, stop taking her calls; grey rock all further acts of communication from her and tell your husband to man up and deal with his responsibilities.

Children are not parcels to be doled out as gifts to whoever decides they want time with them.

Succulent
The more you engage with her the more oxygen you are giving her: cut off the oxygen supply.
Remember: no is a sentence.

Good advice Norah. Leave this to your husband Succulent.

Succulent ^ She called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more.... we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.^

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone. this feels like some sort of custody battle.

Allow your Husband the pleasure of dealing with his over entitled mum. Don't answer if she calls, don't text, she'll talk at him. End of.

Hithere The MIL is over enthusiastic and wrong to involve the Grandchild, but honestly your reaction is so over the top.

Sorry my above post should say “ At that point, she was babysitting twice a month”

Guys, Her behavior is having the opposite effect. It makes her seem like a safe person. I don’t want to be around often or want my child to be around a lot. Someone suggested a regular monthly type date, but I have concerns that giving her a day she is entitled to will make her behavior worse. I feel so stuck.

My husband is happy to intervene, but unfortunately, she only does this behavior around me. I’m the one she nags for babysitting. I’m the one she talks through my child around when trying to set up another babysitting day. As I mentioned, when she did have weekly babysitting sessions, her behavior was on its worst and when it was time to cut down on babysitting, so my mother had a chance to babysit, she called me and had a formal conversation with me, asking how she can see her granddaughter more. At that point, she was babysitting twice enough, which to me is plenty. It was at that time that I realized if she is going to be given regular babysitting dates it’s only going to result in more headaches for us. Because if we are tired of it or if life changes, she’s going to get more needy and demanding.

I also find it weird, but she will literally text my husband and tell him to go do something like go golfing so she can babysit. It’s becoming very intrusive and I just want to be left alone.

Grandparents are supposed to be a source of support and are supposed to work with the family, instead, this feels like some sort of custody battle.

I absolutely detest people speaking through children in the manner you describe. It’s not innocent at all; it’s highly manipulative.

Having said that, communicate. Do it respectfully and kindly, but do use your words. People aren’t mind-readers. Perhaps your husband should take the lead to let her know you’re all finding constant requests overwhelming and the she needs to refrain from putting the child in the middle of her requests.

Poppy Blue Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Hmm I do think MiLs behaviour is wrong ..even though I dont think it is malicious. It needs addressing but with some understanding whilst also being very clear about what is ok and what is not

silverlining48

Your husband needs to take the lead and tell his mum kindly what the position is.
When you are having these conversations does he join in? If he doesn’t then he should.

Good point!