gentle parenting

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Gentle parenting seems to mean no parenting as far as I can see. The children have no rules or boundaries and it all seems to be about talking about feelings when they are not really old enough to understand what this means. It must be very frightening for them because they don’t know what is expected of them and how to conform to society. I have always thought children feel safe when they know what is expected of them and that there will be consequences if they break the family rules. I think it is more loving and kind to have these clear boundaries as children feel much safer. They are able to relax because they know that the adults are in control of things because the adults are in charge.

Yes my dil is bringing up my gd in this way. She is only just two but I have never heard the word no from her parents. Is that a new thing? Is saying no a bad thing now? She gets long wordy explanations as to why she shouldn’t do something and she is far too young to understand and then she ignores them anyway. She is already getting down from the table when she likes and running around and chucking food around. I dread to think what’s coming in the future.

The parents sound very inept and immature and have no idea what to do. The children are obviously out of control, very rude, no respect and running the show.

They are using the term Gentle Parenting to hide behind.

Don't know what the answer is.
But good luck.

I have no interest in gentle parenting. Never done it and never validated the children's feelings as I have read about.

I believe the parents should be in charge as if the the kids are tantruming they can clear off upstairs where I don't have to listen to them. If they were hissing g at me I would ignore them and not engage with them.

Your Grandchildren sound obnoxious. I don't blame them though it's down to the parents.

I don't think Gentle Parenting works at all. 3 of our immediate little ones being subject to this and they are all out of control, behaviour is beyond appalling with them all, the cheek, tantrums, insolence, ruling the parents and such an embarrassment. Throwing things, smashing the homes up. Dear me a far cry from my upbringing, if been naughty told off and smack on the back of the legs and no tea. Well social services would probably be called today. Did I behave like that? No I didn't and neither did my siblings. We wouldn't have dared and we had respect for our parents.

You mentioned your GS is the class clown.
It can be a way to seek attention and fit in with peers. It can be a way of hiding difficulties with reading, writing and focus. Thereby avoiding feeling inadequate. So seeks connection with laughter.
You also mentioned your GD didn't like it when you tried to help with her reading.
Might.be worth your DD speaking with both teachers.

I have a very similar problem with my 6 year old granddaughter. There seem to be no boundaries set, and she shouts when adults are speaking and is never made to sit at the table for a meal, but jumps up and down all the time. I tried to suggest to my daughter that she shouldn't get away with bad behaviour, but she doesn't see it is a problem. Sadly being with my granddaughter is not a pleasure at the moment.

I believe that children appreciate having guidelines. Too many parents - back in my day, sadly, as well as now - seem to imagine that kids will just miraculously "get it" and, without any input from their parents, will automatically grow into decent adults. A lot of parents seem to want to be their child's "best friend" (this is particularly noticeable in mothers with daughters) and thus they avoid giving any guidance, in case it's construed as criticism or negativity. It doesn't have to be done with a big stick - kids love to have things explained to them, and that doesn't have to be done in a critical, admonishing tone. Why on earth do people have children in the first place, if they don't want to interact with them? There are few things as wonderful as watching a child develop - but then, nowadays, I guess watching a phone screen holds much more magic...

Sarnia, that is not 'gentle parenting.
It is neglect.

Fallingstar

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Friends of ours used this method with their younger daughter.
I'm not sure if it is the right way either.
She does carry a lot of guilt now, perhaps because she was always made to feel guilty during long earnest discussions pointing out gently what she did wrong and the consequences of her actions.

I found a short reprimand in a calm but firm voice "You know it was wrong to do that. How would you like that done to you? Apologise to Lucy and don't do that again, please."

My own children seem to have grown into caring, law-abiding citizens and still seem to like me!

Babsbada

On the bus yesterday and man got on with 3 children. The children were beyond noisy and rude. Shouting, screaming, running about and changing seats and knocking into other passengers. He was well spoken and middle class and the children looked to be around 9, '7 and 5. He didnt even attempt to check their behaviour. I 2as very tempted to say something but didnt. Would you have done? If so what?

I would, and have. In buses, restaurants, trains, cinemas, shops., planes.

I have never heard the term 'gentle parenting' before, I thought all parenting should be gentle. From what I've read here it seems to be an excuse to NOT parent. Children need to have boundaries and if the parents don't set them then who will? By the time they get to school they might be quite unmanageable and even unpleasant as in several instances above.
Children need kindness and love but imo a part of that is readying them for life outside the home, socialising competently and knowing boundaries.

Thank the lord my daughter has similar discipline codes as I do and my granddaughter has grown into a polite, respectful young girl. A friend's grandchildren, 8 and 3, are described by their mother as sassy and independent- I call them rude and undisciplined. I can't spend long in their company as I have to bite my tongue so hard.

I have had to bite my tongue more than once with a lovely DIL who decided to gentle parent her youngest daughter. I don't agree with offering advice unless specifically asked for it so had to keep very quiet on this one and it's been hard.
This GD of mine was a super little girl until the time when she started secondary school. That's when her Mum started gentle parenting. In the 3 years this haphazard way of parenting has been going on she has turned from that darling girl into what I can only describe as a monster.
How her school has put up with her, I have no idea. She is everlasting in isolation or detention for insolence, fighting, refusing to work and wearing false eyelashes and nails when the school has a strict no make-up policy. She refuses to tie her very long hair back in Science and DT where naked flames and machinery are used.
Now 14, she goes out at weekends, dressed in such scanty clothes. She never tells her Mum where she is going and doesn't answer calls. The police or other parents have frequently brought her back home. No punishment is meted out as she threatens to smash the house up if there is.
My DIL asked me just once what I thought of gentle parenting and would I have used it bringing up my 5 children? Having been directly asked I told her exactly how I felt and how worried I was that there were no guidelines, rules or repercussions for her behaviour. I worry myself silly that she will get assaulted, raped or get pregnant.
Her language towards her Mum and older brother (17, brought up with strict rules and a delightful young man) is from the gutter.
I love her dearly but, my God, it's hard. She has never raised her voice to me and it won't pay her to because I don't do gentle grandparenting! So sorry for this rant.

I would have had to say something to any noisy children. I have even had to approach
Noisy adults spoiling our evening with very loud voices.
INSIDE VOICES PLEASE always!

On the bus yesterday and man got on with 3 children. The children were beyond noisy and rude. Shouting, screaming, running about and changing seats and knocking into other passengers. He was well spoken and middle class and the children looked to be around 9, '7 and 5. He didnt even attempt to check their behaviour. I 2as very tempted to say something but didnt. Would you have done? If so what?

Fallingstar .... exactly right.

But some parents have interpreted it as making sure that children are never challenged or resented with anything negative. Bonkers!

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Luckily you live 2500 miles away!
The fact they can behave at school says a lot, their parents aren’t doing themselves or the children any favours I’m afraid.

Dear me, I would be cutting my visits right down and when the children were around I would just ignore them and say nothing, just ask mundane questions of the adults. You do not need to be treated like this. It is blatantly disrespectful and your daughter should be stepping in. Give me the child at 7 and I will give you the man.

sharon103

I wouldn't let any child treat me this way. They are downright rude.
Please or offend I would say something.
What are they like at pre school and school?
They will find out later in life there are rules. Especially when they go to work.
I brought my 3 up with respect and manners.

Apparently they are very well behaved at school. The 6 year old is apparently the class clown but nothing that has been identified as a problem.

I wouldn't let any child treat me this way. They are downright rude.
Please or offend I would say something.
What are they like at pre school and school?
They will find out later in life there are rules. Especially when they go to work.
I brought my 3 up with respect and manners.

Smileless2012

I'm sorry that the time spent with your D and GC was tarnished by the children's bad behaviour Tigerlily.

As we are constantly constantly reminded here on GN when it comes to GC it's the parents' rules that matter, regardless of what GP's may think of them, or as it appears here, the parents' lack of rules.

This really isn't your problem, it's your D's and s.i.l.'s and if they can't see that it is now, I'm sure they'll realise in the not too distant future and maybe the next time you visit, things will have improved. I certainly hope so.

Yes I agree that it is their problem which is why I didn't say anything. I'm just trying to sort out how I feel about it and find out if this is a common occurrence with todays parents.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Yes it does, and done properly, it’s a great technique.