gentle parenting

Tigerlilyx61 Is anyone else having this problem?
Not currently.

From what I hear it is a pretty common phenomenon.
Seems so.

Every day is a new day with children. Wait quietly.

PaperMonster2

Sarnia, your DIL’s approach is most definitely not Gentle Parenting! Mine’s a teen now, we had boundaries and consequences but we didn’t have punishments (mostly because there was no need for them tbh) But there were most definitely boundaries! Never had an issue with her behaviour and only heard good reports from teachers and clubs etc.

That to me is still not gentle parenting but good parenting. Your child knew where the boundaries were and the consequences should they over step them.
I will always believe that children may moan about rules, what time to be home, where are they going, etc but deep down they know it comes from a place of care.
I can only go by what my DIL says but her version, which she calls gentle parenting, is no rules or restrictions of any sort and when problems arise, which they have, with bells on, no punishment is handed out.
Consequently we have a 14 year old diva clinging on to an excellent school by her fingertips. Surly and downright rude and comes and goes as and when she pleases.
So whatever you call my DIL's approach is it has been an utter disaster.

Slightly, tongue in cheek, I would say that the 'success' of gentle parenting depends on the character of the child.

I had one who was broadly brought up on gentle principles simply because they were in the best meaning of the word, a biddable child naturally thoughtful about others.

The other one was of the opinion that they could bring themselves up quite successfully on their own without parents interfering and if we did, we got punished. Gentleness was read as weakness.

However, at the end of the day, once they were grown up, it made little or no difference to the kind of adults they have become, both are loving and caring and are all very close to each other - and are seen as so by others.

All theses fads and fancies satisfy the parents and they feel good, the children barely notice.

At the end of the day all children need is lots of love and an upbringing that prepares them for adult life, with all its problems and inequities. Providing a parent does that, how you get there is of no account.

Our own children were strictly parented and no problems, they didn't like it but when they had their own children they were the same or harder on the children.

My sisters daughters both left home at 16 they had been brought home repeatedly by the police before that. One niece shacked up with a boyfriend's family, the other joined the army where there was strict discipline, just retired after 25 yrs service.

Sarnia, your DIL’s approach is most definitely not Gentle Parenting! Mine’s a teen now, we had boundaries and consequences but we didn’t have punishments (mostly because there was no need for them tbh) But there were most definitely boundaries! Never had an issue with her behaviour and only heard good reports from teachers and clubs etc.

If parents and children are on a sinking ship and need to get on a small lifeboat, would the parents sit down and discuss the situation with the children or would they firmly make the children get in the lifeboat while quietly but firmly coaxing them along?

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

I would have to disagree with you there.
Gentle parenting as exercised by my DIL has no rules, boundaries, expectations or punishments.
She tells me it is the modern way with the aim of having a friendly and non-confrontational relationship with your child.
Memo to those who believe this. IT. DOES. NOT. WORK.

Fallingstar

As far as I understand it gentle parenting means sitting down with a child after behaving badly and talking them through what was so wrong about what they did and the possible consequences i.e. ‘hitting Lucy must have made her sad, which is not a nice way to feel is it?’
I don’t think it means ignoring bad behaviour.

Not sure this is 100% true.
I think some areas of "Gentle Parenting" basically say you shouldn't put other people's feelings onto the child as they are not responsible for what goes on in someone else's head.

So saying that the child is responsible for the feelings of others is out.

People are responsible for their own feelings.

...I suppose you could say, I acknowledge that you felt frustrated about x y z which is why you hit Lucy but maybe I can help you deal with x y z?

I am not an expert on this by the way. Others will know more.

LOUISA1523

That is lazy parenting...or non parenting .....gentle parenting has boundaries and consequences

Totally agree. Gentle parenting is actually no parenting and it is the reason why schools are in the mess there are with teachers leaving in droves.

We really struggle with our GDs’ behaviour too, they’re 5 & 8. They’re apparently great at school, no problems there, but at home they’re often rude & hurtful , particularly to our daughter who attends to their every need or whim. She has quite a demanding job, & we suspect she doesn’t have a lot of spare energy, so she tries to avoid conflict at all costs. She’s also keen on “gentle parenting”. We did raise the subject of their behaviour once, a couple of years ago, when it had become the “elephant in the room”! I think we had a reasonable discussion at the time, but we don’t feel we can raise it again.
If anyone has any advice as to how we can cope with this, especially when we’re looking after them, it would be much appreciated. We really struggle with the younger one in particular, who has regular tantrums if things aren’t going her way, & is really manipulative- hard to believe of a 5 year old. At times they act like entitled little princesses, they’re so demanding!
We’re desperately sad for our DD & SIL, whose family life seems like a constant battle. We dread to think what it will be like as the girls get into their teens.

I did not use physical punishment with my offspring but certainly explained fully, usually before it happened, as to why it was unacceptable. i.e Would you like it if I treated you like that? She was eating in posh restaurants with silver service at 8 knowing exactly what cutlery to use and went to funerals at six knowing how to behave. She knew how to rise to the occasion and was proud of herself for doing so. She is a wonderful adult and handles some very difficult situations in her job with diplomacy and professionalism.

Tigerlilyx61

My daughter and her husband have 2 children who are 6 and 9. The live 2500 miles away so I rarely see them in person. I do try and stay connected via facetime. I recently went to visit her and am having a difficult time processing my feelings after the visit. They are using gentle parenting which is fine but the problem is there are very few consequeces for negative behaviour and my daughter has a difficult time setting boundaries. She has verbalized this. I was only there for 5 days but the behaviour started almost immediately. They started hissing at me (like they were cats) if I asked them anything, threw suff at both my husband and myself, spoke to me like they were the parent i.e. GRANDMAAAA if I did or said something they didn't like, pushed themselves in between me and their mom as we were sitting in chairs talking. One morning she was helping her 6 uear old son put his rain boots on to go to preschool. He was sitting on the floor and he picked one of the boots up and threw it behind him and then looked at this mom as if to say "watcha gonna do about it?". The 9 year old daughter was sitting at the island in the kitchen reading while her mom was cooking dinner. I was sitting beside her and she was having a hard time sounding an occasional word out so I casually leaned over to see what the word was so I could help her and she snatched the book up so I couldn't see it. I am all for gentle parenting-heck I think I did it. I didn't spank and I tried to make consequences approppriaye for the offense but I NEVER would allow my kids to treat adults like this let alone their grandparents. Is anyone else having this problem? From what I hear it is a pretty common phenomenon.

You did well saying nothing. Their children, their rules.

There used to be a well known reputable family therapist around in the 70s called Dr Robin Benians. I remember reading a book he had written where he commented that children survived over strict parenting better than over lenient parenting - I think because they couldn’t cope with the lack of boundaries.

If you never correct the child’s bad behaviour, how on earth are they supposed to distinguish between right and wrong ?

eazybee

I remember the child who arrived in Reception with the information from the parents that 'we never say No to him; we always negotiate.'
The Reception teacher smiled sweetly and said, when the class moves elsewhere, games, assembly, play etc. we all go.There is no negotiation.
A pleasant child, he quickly conformed with the rest of the class, but his parents removed him at the end of term because he was very bright and he wasn't being stretched enough. He was four.

Some bumpy times ahead there!

I remember the child who arrived in Reception with the information from the parents that 'we never say No to him; we always negotiate.'
The Reception teacher smiled sweetly and said, when the class moves elsewhere, games, assembly, play etc. we all go.There is no negotiation.
A pleasant child, he quickly conformed with the rest of the class, but his parents removed him at the end of term because he was very bright and he wasn't being stretched enough. He was four.

I wouldn't ever comment in how my children are bringing up their own children. As a gran, my lips are firmly zipped up, although it's a struggle at times.

But our grandchildren are (usually) very well behaved. One daughter would let her child get away with anything, but thankfully dad is far less permissive and keeps her in check.

First, there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.
That sums it up exactly.

My fingers are clearly swollen today. Pardon the typos

First, there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting is the concept of treating children with respect and dignity, the same as you would an
adult. It’s about using the same self-control you’d exercise toward the child adult as you would another when mitigating improper behaviour.

Permissive parenting is allowing the child to behave in such a way that there are no corrections or consequences for improper or inappropriate behaviour. I think people intentionally confuse the two types of parenting when they want to put down gentle parenting because it’s not something they did.

Having said that, while I agree that teaching children respect for others is important I wouldn’t go out of my way to impose my parenting ideas on my son or daughters. I would provide gentle redirection on those actions immediately impacting me in the moment. Hitting, pushing, etc do not require permission from a parent to calmly tell the child to stop. Beyond that, let them get on with it. We raised our children. They must raise theirs.

It seems to be the way parenting is these days !
My grandchildren can be rude and misbehave and also swear which I hate but their parents also swear around them it that is normal to them.
I do put my foot down and say we don't use those words in this house.
Dread to think how they will they be as teenagers if the 'gentle' parenting continues!

friendlygingercat

Spare the rod and spoil the child.

Use the rod and spoil the child.

There is a happy medium between harsh treatment with corporal punishment and gentle, or lack of, parenting.

@nanna8, I am sure gentle parenting will have reached Australia, especially as Australia is much more Americanised than the UK - in many respects, it is the bridge between the two countries. Even if you have not heard anyone using that term, you will have seen the unruly products of it, with desperate adults pleading with their children to consider others’ feelings while the children are ruling the roost.

eazybee

Sarnia, that is not 'gentle parenting.
It is neglect.

Sadly, it is the young Mums umbrella term for not setting any boundaries, rules or punishment for unacceptable consequences. Her brother was brought up with those in place and at 17 is a polite, caring young man who knows full well what is acceptable and what is not.
I asked my DIL why she was adopting such a different approach to her daughter and she told me she had a poor relationship with her Mum as a teenager as she was very strict and she wanted a better relationship with her own.
It grieves me to see my GD like this and I worry about what her future will be.

I suppose I am the product of rough parenting - always getting thumped and shouted at but in between that lots of love and cuddles. Neither is the way to go,though. My children were quite cheeky at times but they knew their limits and were always,always polite to those outside the immediate family. One of them was awful in her early teens, horrible but she improved as time went on. None of them were ever naughty at school, the teachers loved all of them because they studied hard and did well at exams. Gentle parenting is not a term I am familiar with, maybe we don’t do gentle here ? It is illegal to hit your child now ( thank goodness, would have saved me a lot of bruises and pain) but the majority of children seem quite polite and reasonable here with the odd exception,of course. Maybe they fear being labelled ?