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Grandparenting

Am I the Asshole?

(25 Posts)
CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 05:10:27

I come from a alcoholic household. My father was the alcoholic and my mother was the co-dependent and raised me and my two sisters to all be co-dependent as well. In my family, I was often called selfish and a brat for simply expressing my feelings and needs. For clarity one time, when I was 20 in 2009, I was trying to explain I was aggravate that my sister would brake a rule and my mom would lose her temper and brake my sisters cell phone in half as punishment and then my sister would get a new phone later. Asking why she gets a new phone. My mom got angry at me for stating this behavior made no sense. Her reaction was to picked up my small night stand a throw it and call me a selfish bitch. Which again makes no sense. Now many years later I am an adult with a full time job and my own family, trying to do better, brake the cycle of abuse and be a non co-dependent person. Of course life is hard and always throws me curve balls and problems to fix. When I try to tell my mom or older sister these issues, they always ask if I have done X,Y, or Z. Being the hyperventilate problem solved they raised me to be, it upsets me that they do not see me as a adult that can fix her own problems. I explained that I am just look to express my feelings not solutions. They say that is not a conversation, is ridiculous and I am being a brat and asking too much. So am I the asshole?

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 05:22:10

hypervigilant not hyperventilate sorry

FannyCornforth Wed 17-Aug-22 05:36:41

You’re certainly being confusing, that’s for sure!

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 05:51:04

I gave back story for context and am stating that when I talk to my mom and older sister about any issues I am having. They never can just listen they always assume I want and need their advice because I am incapable of fixing my own issues. I very rearly ask for their advice, I just went to vent.

BlueBelle Wed 17-Aug-22 06:03:18

Perhaps try some counselling

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 06:10:21

I have years of counseling but my family will not go.

Grammaretto Wed 17-Aug-22 06:16:41

If you have your own family now so have already broken away from these unhappy family relationships why are you still so hampered by your past?
And why are you asking on this forum?

BlueBelle Wed 17-Aug-22 06:20:24

Are you a new poster charv
I don’t think your years of counselling have helped perhaps try a different form of counselling

Allsorts Wed 17-Aug-22 06:32:51

You cone from a dysfunctional family and yet you see them and seek sport all. Why? You're not going to get it. At 33 with your own family ask why they must be drawn into this. High drama and confrontation, do you need that to function? Do you need approval from an alcoholic abusive person. Just to keep raking things over with a counsellor, what good is that, you ask yourself why your family should have what you had. If it were me I would break the cycle look after my own family before they to inherit yours. Only you can do that.

Allsorts Wed 17-Aug-22 06:33:22

Support and not sport all.

NotSpaghetti Wed 17-Aug-22 06:38:35

Wondering if the solution is to stop talking to them about your problems. Given that you say you are just looking to express your feelings not looking for solutions I think I would stop expressing them to your family- try to talk these feelings through with your husband instead.

Good luck

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 06:39:15

Braking the cycle doesn't always mean cutting all ties. My father was the alcoholic and my mother was the co-dependent. I have a relationship with my family but I set boundaries and keep setting new ones when needed. What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so.

FannyCornforth Wed 17-Aug-22 06:48:55

I think that they are probably just trying to be helpful.
I’ve found that men in particular (especially my father!) misunderstand when you are just having a moan - they think that you want a solution.
Anyway, you are over thinking this.
Rather ironically - it sounds like you are seeking a solution from us!

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 07:14:26

Asking for advice is different than Someone giving unsolicited advice.

FannyCornforth Wed 17-Aug-22 07:17:35

After your difficult childhood, you have done well to navigate and build your relationships with your family members.
If ‘unsolicited advice’ is the worst of your problems, you’ve done really well

CharRVT88 Wed 17-Aug-22 07:23:32

Thank you!

FannyCornforth Wed 17-Aug-22 07:24:15

You’re welcome! smile

Mandrake Wed 17-Aug-22 08:23:06

People have different approaches to someone who shares issues with them. Some will listen, most will try to make a suggestion, others are fixers. Your family come into one of the two later categories. I think you might need to accept that they are maybe not the right people to share your issues with. Someone else with a different style might be. You're not the asshole, but I think you need to adjust your expectations of your family. They aren't the kind of listener you are wanting and that's a mismatch of styles.

nanna8 Wed 17-Aug-22 08:34:30

I wouldn’t go to them for advice. It is not their ‘thing’ and you will only get upset. Try someone independent outside your family who you can trust. Good luck.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 17-Aug-22 09:00:45

They won’t understand where you are coming from because to you they caused the issues you are having.
Unless you want them to apologise for their behaviour ( an unlikely scenario) I don’t understand what you want from them, they will probably just tell you to get over it.

Obviously you want an ongoing relationship with them, but that will be difficult, so as others have said, concentrate on your own family and keep conversations with your parents and siblings to a minimum. You can still have a relationship with them but not on the level you seem to want.

Madgran77 Wed 17-Aug-22 09:39:18

What I am asking is this boundary of not wanting them to tell me their advice unreasonable? I don't think so

No itsnot unreasonable. It is entirely uour choice who you ask for advice from. And if they give e unsolicited advice just say "I'll think about that!" or "OK. Food for thought!" then change the subject. It does t matter if you don't actually think about it, that's up to you.

If you respond with disagreement or are triggered into defensiveness then you are just repeating the cycle of "your assigned role" in the family! Don't waste energy on that!

Smileless2012 Thu 18-Aug-22 11:35:36

First of all Char if you're a new poster then welcome to GN.

I agree with Fanny you've done well to break the cycle and to have built a life for yourself after such a difficult and what must have been at times traumatic childhood.

It must be very hard to feel you can't air your thoughts and feelings with your own family, especially your mum. That said, it doesn't look as if this is ever going to change so now to break the cycle even further, you need to stop seeking something you're never going to have.

That doesn't mean cutting all ties, it means keeping your conversations light and not talking about the things that gets
the response that makes you feel you're not an adult, and incapable of fixing your own problems.

You are and are more than capable. Look at what you've already managed to achievesmile. Look back and see how far you have come, then look forward and see how far you can go flowers.

CharRVT88 Fri 19-Aug-22 07:25:46

Thank you for the support!

icanhandthemback Fri 19-Aug-22 12:51:41

As far as I can see you have 2 solutions:

1. Don't talk about these issue with your wider family because you just trigger advice.
2. Talk about these issues with your wider family but just take the advice which is good and ignore the rest.

You have obviously done well to realise the dynamics of your family and to move away from the cycle of abuse without going no-contact. However, the downside of keeping contact is that they are not people it is easy to set in place the boundaries you need for a healthy relationship. I think you need another place to vent your problems, say, a good friend because your family is strongly embedded in their values.
You are not an asshole but you are expecting too much from people who just don't get it.

Hithere Fri 19-Aug-22 14:29:35

OP

Why are you asking your family to be different than they currently are?

They will never be the supporting and respectful family that you deserve