Wish there were two of me

that must be hard for you. i think as long as you try to balance your time out between them as much as you can then you have nothing to feel bad about. your daughters are adults and will understand that they cant each demand your full attention. how old are the babies?

One is 4 weeks and one is 4 months. When older one was just new, the other mum was having problems in pregnancy. Both girls are good sisters to one another and have been a great help to one another.

Pressed send instead of review.

..but sometimes they still need a mum. My gran used to say you never really stop being a mum. Even when the kids are grown.

you never ever stop being a mum! I am sure you will manage to prioritise which baby needs grandma most and your daughters will love you for that I am sure!

Thank you OhForBoonessSake and grandmaagain.

I henceforth promise not to panic when two requests come in at once as doesn't help any of us.

you will, your only human! thats why they love you [smile smile smile] good luck and I hope you really enjoy being Grandma it is the best thing in the world!

Hi to all - I'm a first time Gransnet/Mumsnet user!

I'm not only a Grandma but also have caring responsibilities for my mother in law - the last surving elder of along line of elders I have cared for over the past 20 years. I find juggling the generations a nightmare and it can really mess with your head.

One minute I am playing tennis with a grandson; baking with granddaughters; gardening club with grandaughter etc etc - you all know the drill - and the next I am fighting a failed Hospital Discharge of my 90 year old mother in law. Not suprisingly - I have had anxiety attacks. I managed to live 60 years with no apparent impact on my emotional health until several years ago when juggling caring and grandparenting. Now at 66 I have less resilience than I once had. It seems we have to be all things to all people.I am in a 5 generation family and love being with my grandchildren but I am only human.

Jan - I feel for you, I am in a slightly similar (but not so difficult) situation. I have six lovely granddaughters and love spending time with them, but am also trying to hold down a full-time job and care for my parents, who are both beginning to depend more and more on me.

I do feel pulled in all directions, and often have to remind myself that I need time and space to myself, and that if I don't get this, I won't be able to carry out my various roles effectively. Can you set aside time just for you, even if it's only a long scented bath or a walk, just to clear your head?

Don't despair, I'm sure we can all support each other on here. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Gingerbread - You're right we can support one another. It was comforting to read your comments. Sorry to whinge - at least I don't have to turn out to work each day like you. I do a bit of part time stuff for my husband now and then - so the pressure's off in that direction.

Re the Time Out - sounds really good - Gardening does it for me - especially the veggie patch followed by a long scented bath.

Unfortunately, this time around I kept "juggling" for too long and old anxiety symptoms returned. I recognised them all too well (from when I was in the middle of an earlier caring juggling act) and went speedily to the Doc who prescribed me the remedy I know works. This thing just creeps up and often hits when you think that all the probs are out of the way - I was feeling pretty relaxed for once and wham - it came out of the blue. The mind needs a defrag occasionally and I know that once the mind/body/anxiety cycle thing is broken I will be fine again.

I just need to learn my lesson that I can't do now what I was once able to. I just wish that the "services" ( NHS and social care) could get their act together and support families like ours. Still that's another story for another day.

my husband and I refer to ourselves as the {jam} in the sandwich as we juggle caring for our GD, my mother and a DD ill with hyperemisis and another DD getting married this year! when it all gets too much we try and pour another and be thankful we have the health to do it...... but it does get difficult my sympathies to all in the same boat

Anxiety, caring, juggling, scented bath, pulled in all directions, nightmare, panic, demand, tears.
These are the words which commanded my attention on this forum. I wonder, are these the words you had in mind when you were young girls looking forward to the future and to the evolving decades to come?

Oh dear sixties girl you sound so anti grandparenting,I am a sixties
surviour (after spending every lunch hour at the Cavern and the local
clubs at the time) enjoyed every minute and made some fab friends
who I see to this day,we go to health spa together have regular trips to
hairdresser,have nights out and enjoy life,all this and enjoy our DGC
babysitting and childminding when asked to (with notice) I must say
my DGC keep me young in mind and attitude.

It is not the grandparenting that is a problem. It is the caring for the elderly. My mother expects to come first, and resents us spending time with the grandchildren unless she can come as well (she lives close to us, but my daughters and their families live some way off). But I want to carry on developing a relationship with my grandchildren, and I can't when mother is sitting there, irritating the children by demanding kisses or answers to stupid questions. I resent it that she was allowed to enjoy being a grandparent herself with my two girls, and that I can't because either she is there or I feel guilty for leaving her.

It is not juggling time I find difficult (although I do work full time), but the guilt!

jangran I know exactly what you mean I know that does"nt help!! it is just to let you know you not alone by the way it makes me mad too!!

I am not anti grandparenting, glamanana, I am recognising the general theme on this forum which seems to portray a good proportion of grandmothers complaining about their lot in one way or another. I feel that a bit more thought should be directed to ourselves as individuals and our original hopes and wishes for our own futures and choices. We must admit that there are many grandmothers who allow themselves to be persuaded into excessive responsibilities regarding either grandchildren or the elderly. We seem to be the ones who feel guilty at not being the one everyone else has the right to depend on and in many cases exploit. I would just like to see grandmothers remembering that they have the right to put themselves first. Not last, so that 'others' can put themselves first.

Thanks, grandmaagain and sixtiesgirl. It helps a) to know that I am not alone with my resentments (and I get depression and anxiety attacks too) and b) to be reminded that I have a right to put myself first.

I keep reminding myself that it is all about living, and all lives are worth living on their own accounts.

I wish my mother thought the same, though!

understand about the guilt thing! when I do get time on my own I feel like I am not doing something I should be doing!! I do LOVE being a gran tho

Dear Jangran -

I have similar probs except (I confess) I do not mix the generations and leave mother in law (MIL for short) behind when doing younger generation things - ensuring I save some time for her.

Her ideas about children - to be seen and not heard - are not mine. She is a lovely person- in small doses but she tut tuts through all family occasions about the inevitable spits and spats that children have. I want my gchildren to be polite and respectful but to be children and enjoy the freedom of expression, ideas and imagination - and allowed to be grumpy too. After all - when adults - unless they are extremely lucky - they will have much of that crushed out of them. I have been fortunate to have been able to retain my inner child and I treasure my time with the gchildren while I am able too, as too soon they turn into Kevin and Perrys!

I don't feel the least guilty about this as I know she will never change now and I am not prepared to sacrifice my time with the children - It is too precious a time to miss.

I hope you can find the courage to do your own thing

Best Wishes - Jan (aka Granma and Granjan)

I am a bit shocked by some of the comments here. Do today's grandparents writing here want to be put away in a cupboard by their sons and daughters so that said sons and daughters can enjoy being grandparents without the nuisance of elderly mother or mother-in-law being present? What makes you think that you will be so in touch with your eventually adult grandchildren's ways of parenting in a way your parents and in-laws couldn't possibly be with theirs? What makes you think that the children won't benefit IN ANY WAY AT ALL from seeing their great grandmother? This doesn't sound much like family values to me.

The worth of family values depends upon families, I think.

I hope that when (or if) I am a great grandparent I can remember that the important grandparents are my children, not me. So, yes, if I cannot help but interfere; irritate; demand attention and so on, I rather hope my children will put me in a cupboard, so that I cannot spoil their joy in being grandparents.

As to benefits from great grandparents, does that not also depend upon the relationship between them and their great grandchildren?

As to relationships, I have to say that yes, I do have a better relationship with my children than I have ever had with my mother. My mother has always been self-centred, and that included when I was a small child. She did not even look after me - that was left to my grandmother.

So I feel the same as Jan. My time with my grandchildren is precious, limited already, and is destined to be limited even more since they are growing up so quickly. I will not willingly sacrifice my time with them for anything. But I do, and have to, mix the generations, simply because although our family values may be wanting, they do include avoiding giving unnecessary hurt to its members. My mother sees the grandchildren about half as often as I do, and spends a great deal of time in between complaining that she doesn't see them often enough, and "isn't it a pity that they live so far away".

Perhaps judgements should depend upon knowledge of circumstances?