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Not informed of death

(14 Posts)
Nanaval4G Tue 16-Jul-19 20:00:09

I don't usually post , and have no idea if I am on the right forum, but I just wanted to hear what others think.
On Monday I was informed that my cousins wife died last month. My sister was always the port of call with family, I don't think any of them have my details, but my sister passed away 2 yrs ago so my brother in law answers the calls now.
Seemingly he was informed of her death, and attended the funeral., but said nothing to me. I don't know how I feel apart from angry and a sort of betrayal, after all it is my family.
I have sent a card to my cousin sending him my sympathies and explaining that I didn't know. His wife was a lovely woman and I would have liked to have payed my respects but was denied this.
Just wondered how anyone else would feel.

Whitewavemark2 Tue 16-Jul-19 20:21:15

Like you disappointed, but it strikes me as a typical man, and I’m sure he meant nothing by not telling you.

Happychops Tue 16-Jul-19 21:15:40

It probably never even crossed his mind to let you know. He was probably thinking about what he had to do and wouldn’t of considered anyone else. It may of even upset him and brought back sad memories. I would let it go. You have sent condolences and let your cousin know that you were unaware, and I am sure her husband understands that.

BlueBelle Tue 16-Jul-19 21:19:44

I agree I m sure he didn’t mean to snub you it was probably that he didn’t think A lot of men aren’t as good at these sort of things as women are I would let it go you ve done the right thing now

sodapop Tue 16-Jul-19 21:49:27

I agree with BlueBelle no snub intended just thought less. You have expressed your condolences and explained what happened so let it go and don't worry.

Tangerine Tue 16-Jul-19 21:53:37

I agree with what other posters have said but I do definitely understand why you're displeased.

Perhaps your letter to your cousin will instigate a visit to him or from him.

Nanaval4G Wed 17-Jul-19 00:32:36

Many thanks for all your replies, was just so disappointed.

stella1949 Wed 17-Jul-19 01:58:03

You mention the fact that nobody in the family has your contact details, and that only your late sister's husband gets the family news.

This might be a good reminder that it's not a good idea to rely on one person to transmit family news - perhaps you could send your cousin ( and any other family members) a follow-up note with your phone number and address so that you can be kept "in the loop" in future.

Marmight Wed 17-Jul-19 05:34:41

I know how you feel. My cousin died earlier this year and I only found out when my DD read a comment from his son on Facebook some 3 weeks later and berated me for not telling her! None of our other mutual cousins were aware either. I eventually received a letter from his brother informing me of his death. I was very a bit miffed at first, but hey ho.....

MawBroonsback Wed 17-Jul-19 07:48:16

How did I feel when it transpired that my sister in Canada had not told her three grown up children (whom we have met and even had to stay with us when they were visiting the U.K.) that Paw had died 18 months ago?
At first I was a little hurt when a recent unrelated email from one nephew made no mention, or even asked how we were, but a day or two later his wife wrote to me, full of apologies and clearly very embarrassed.
I suppose when a death occurs we hope the “family grapevine” will do the business. I remember going through my father’s address book to contact people, but also asking my aunt and uncle if they could suggest other acquaintances to contact.
And of course the “Hatches, Matches and Despatches” in the newspapers were much more widely used.
Facebook did not come into the equation at any time although emails and texts were invaluable.
Perhaps it is just a reflection of the sad fact that families are less close to each other than they used to be.

M0nica Wed 17-Jul-19 08:25:25

My generation of my father's family have kept close, bu I have found on several occasions information has not come my way, even tough my sister knows. It is just the inefficient way family networks work. My DS didn't tell me because she assumed I knew.

It is upsetting when it happens, but unless you have a formal communication system, it is almost ineveitable that transmission of news is imperfect.

tanith Wed 17-Jul-19 09:07:20

I received a Christmas card from my husbands Aunt which asked after our health and I realised that she had no idea he’d died in September. His brother had told me not to worry he would inform all his family at the time I had no idea she hadn’t been told.
I wrote her a very apologetic letter and explained she was very kind in her reply but I actually felt she was more miffed at not being told than she was upset that he’d died as she didn't ask how why when or even where he was interred.

These things happen in a very stressful time for everyone.

Nanaval4G Wed 17-Jul-19 09:52:43

That's a good idea Stella. Will put my phone number on Christmas cards this year. Thank you

Nanaval4G Wed 17-Jul-19 09:58:16

Yes it seems no-one puts notices in the papers any more, my neice told me that my cousins daughter had put a notice on Facebook, but if you're not friends with that person you don't see it. It was more the fact that he knew, and went to the funeral 2 weeks later and never told me. We live quite close and he passes close to my house when he walks the dogs twice a day.