My husband left me and now the house is a tip

You will probably not like what I am going to say one bit, but here goes!
As far as I am concerned, the world is, in the main, populated by 2 kinds of people! 1. Those who are neat and tidy by nature and make it a priority to keep their surroundings in perfect order! They are usually highly organised! ? 2. Others, for whom neatness and tidiness is not a priority, and who often view tidy people as "neat freaks"! They are inclined to be hoarders and are often quite disorganised. They are always going to tidy up, but somehow, they never quite get around to it! ?
I grew up in a home where my mother was verging on obsessional with the housework - not altogether uncommon in women during the 1950s and 60s who stayed at home, brought up the kids and didn't work outside of the house! My mother's own mother and her 2 sisters were exactly the same - absolute perfectionists! Funnily enough, my mum, my grandmother, my 2 great aunties and myself were all nurses, and all Ward Sisters before we were out of our 20s! ?
My husband came from a very different background to me, and while he is reasonably tidy, he needs to have things pointed out to him! ? His mother just had to be one of the untidiest people I have ever come across!?. The only time her house was ever tidy was when my father in law did the housework! After he died, the place degenerated into an absolute tip! ?
I have 2 children, now grown up. My son, the youngest, is just like me, obsessively neat and tidy! He keeps himself and his room immaculate and he also does a lot of work in the house and garden! He has always been like that! My daughter, the older, is and has always been pathologically untidy! Needless to say, she and I have never got on terribly well! She views me as a neat freak and control freak (correct) and I view her as lazy! My husband made her leave home in 2010, when she left school and was going to College, otherwise all out war would have erupted between us!?. She now has her own flat, and in the 5 years she has lived there, I have only visited once - it was still untidy, but not quite the absolute tip she turned my house into! My feelings on it are quite plain - her house, her choice as how she chooses to live in it! As long as she doesn't mess up my living quarters, that's fine by me!
I suppose we are all different in this world and all have different values and priorities! However, I find that I really get on so much better with people like myself - tidy and organised! Oh, and I don't believe in helping able-bodied people to keep the place tidy! If they mess up my environment, then they will feel the full force of my wrath! ??
BTW, I worked full-time when my children were growing up, studied for my nursing degree, held down a senior nursing post and still managed to have a tidy house (my husband did help a bit)! Very different from my own mum! I am retired now, and my house is still very tidy! Tidiness is a way of life for me! ?

I'm sorry to say that none of this mess is anyone else's but mine. Ex took what belonged to him over a period of 5 years after he left. Both the girls have houses with lofts and have long since taken all their belongings.

To those who suggested bags, boxes 5 minutes or two hours - can I put it like this. It's a bit like suggesting various diets to someone who wants to slim down but actually can't do it.

I so appreciate all the advice, maybe it will come in useful when I've cleared my head a bit. Thank you all again.

But to update you all further I have booked an appointment with a counsellor now.

If you can't motivate yourself to start, get someone else to start it for you. That someone needs to be an organizer, do you know anyone who has those skills?

Unigran. Do you think the fact that your ex has been supportive makes things worse regarding the house. I only say this because I’m exactly the same. I also have lots of his parents things at my house because he doesn’t have room for them at his house and I still regard them as my family: in fact they were pretty much my only family.

If it seems too big a task, start small. While the kettle boils tackle a pile of clutter on the side or start on a kitchen drawer.

-He is a lovely man and has remained supportive of me throughout despite the fact he re-married-
A lady I know was left with two children, twenty years ago. He still doesn’t want a divorce on religious grounds, even though he lives with the same ‘other’ woman.
I feel she has never been able to move on, as he is kind, visits often for chats, does all the odd jobs etc. It’s as if he still has a hold.

Could I suggest that it' s fear ...but fear of what ? Of letting go of what ? Of not having what anymore? Would it all seem too controled and tidy ?Try and imagine how you would feel with only a quarter of the stuff in every room ... how do you feel ..and why ? Maybe before getting down to the practical stuff, try and analyze that ?

Could you find 5 items everyday you can throw away? If you can do that small thing you will throw away 35 items each week. If you keep it up you will.notice a difference in month. Once you.get.tjis pattern established you could also identify 3 things to donate to charity and place them in a box. When box full seal and ask your dd's for help in getting them to charity shop once put of lockdown. Your dd's also might help you set up a few things to sell on eBay or Gumtree.

There have already been many good suggestions. I do think some counselling would help as would getting professional declutterers. In the meantime, l would start with one room at a time. Last year l spent a lot of time clearing out clutter as my husband has hoarding tendencies. I read a book which suggested the daily Fling Fifteen, which, is exactly as it says, getting rid of fifteen items a day. I found once l got the momentum l could keep going. You need to be dedicated and do some work on it every day. Remember, if you have forgotten about something until you unearthed it, you really do not need it. I would also hire a skip. Would your daughters be prepared to help?

I agree with Buffybee. If you dedicate half an hour a day to clearing things out and throwing away you will be amazed at how quickly a job that appears to be overwhelming will be done. Box up what you want keep. Then paint a wall each day and you will soon have the place spruced up. Good luck with everything.

Unigran I think you're right to decide on counselling as a first step, as you say you've tried all the usual things.
I hope all the posts from concerned grans might help you to be motivated, though.
Don't struggle alone - you will do it!

Unigran, please don’t try to tackle a whole room, start with one drawer or window sill in a room that isn’t too bad. Once you’ve cleared it and only put back what is important to you keep going and checking it, it will make you feel better about tackling another drawer. You can do it, we all believe in you.

People telling you to just 'throw stuff away isn't helpful. Buffybee has the best idea but at the end of the day it's you that has to do this.

Whether you choose to label yourself as a collector, hoarder, acquirer or whatever, ending up with the amount of 'things' you're indicating you have, usually has a trigger, which in your case appears to be connected with your ex. Its not as simple as 'getting rid of stuff', you need support to help deal with the root cause.

You need to acknowledge and be proud of the fact that you've made the first step by telling someone (us) about the problem, that is the biggest and hardest milestone to overcome in these situations.

I was in a similar situation and as much as I wanted to sort my home out, I had two things working against me.... my physical disability and the 'knowing exactly where to start'. I eventually reached out and was put in touch with a charity in my area that helps with the psychological side of these problems. I went to a meeting and said that I knew what the causes are and that I was in the right mindset to start clearing but I was stuck because of my physical issues. The group has been a great help since I joined them last January and they even arranged some physical help for me. We were going great until we hit the November lockdown and I've plateaued, I've not been able to do any more clearance work since then but I can proudly say that I've not slipped backwards. Once we're able to have people in our homes again we'll be picking up where we left off and I should be in a position to start getting some decorating done sometime around the summer.

Which 2 rooms do you want to use the most? Start there, anywhere there, I thought I'd need to have a rubbish bag, and 3 boxes (keep, sell, donate) but it's easier to start with just one box and the rubbish bag, anything that's not going straight into the bin goes into the box and can be gone through later. I like to call it 'reclaiming space' not 'decluttering' or 'throwing stuff out'.

Some would say that you're handling stuff twice, yes, but if you start in one small area and have the rubbish bag on one side of you and the box on the other, work through that area for 20 or 30mins (setting a timer for yourself), you'll be amazed at how much you'll have moved in that short time. If you feel up to doing a little bit longer, reset the alarm for another 10-15mins but don't overdo it or just keep ploughing through until you drop. Alternate between your 2 chosen rooms so that you can see space reappearing in both. The clutter wasn't acquired overnight, so you can't expect to be able to deal with it in a short space of time, this is a marathon not a sprint!

It can become overwhelming, you'll find things which have sentimental
or monetary value which may have become damaged over the years which may make you feel as though you don't want to carry on. Take a mini break, put the item to one side until later, maybe move away from that spot, go and finish your time session in your other chosen room to take your mind off the item that's just caused the mental 'wobble'. Start your next session by going back to that item, by then you should have got your head around the fact that it's broken/ruined, put it in the rubbish and move onto the next thing.

At the end of each session, even if it is only 20mins, reward yourself, sit down with a cuppa, watch a favourite TV programme, read a chapter of a book or do a puzzle, just something small that takes you away from the clearing. Each time you do this you'll get into the mindset of 'if I do 20mins of clearing I can have/do something nice'.

Now, coming back to the double handling of the things you put into the box(es), once you've cleared a big enough space in your rooms and got rid of all the rubbish, you can then go back through the boxes and start sorting into 'keep', 'sell' and 'donate' boxes, you might even find that you can bin some more stuff as you go through them, it's amazing how many duplicates of things you'll find. The optimum target is to say that including rubbish, you want to be aiming to remove (at least) 60-70% of the clutter from your home. It seems daunting thinking about such a large amount right at the beginning but most people find that once they get started and begin to see space reappearing, it gives them the motivation to keep going. Bear in mind that the 60-70% target isn't all rubbish, it'll mainly be things that you end up donating or selling.

I've nowhere near completed my 'space reclamation' as yet but I have been putting things on ebay over the past year and I've sold loads of stuff, which has helped me to pay off a credit card and to buy myself a new bed/mattress and a few other things I've wanted.

Once you've started reclaiming your space, it is important to minimise the acquiring of more stuff to take the place of all that you've removed from your home, I'm not saying you CAN'T buy new things but to be more mindful of whether you NEED them.

Help for these issues is out there, it can be difficult to find but talking to your gp can help, they are great at signposting to other agencies, mine or me in touch with social services (a bit rubbish) and a local social prescriber or link worker who found the charity/group I've been working with.

Good luck, I hope you'll be able to make a start and will find that you have a lovely home waiting for you underneath all the clutter xxxx

I only posted this yesterday and have come back today to find 5 pages of lovely GN replies. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have not had time to follow the links yet, but will settle down to them tonight.

I appreciate all the advice regarding baby steps, 4 cardboard boxes/sacks, 5 minutes or 2 hours a day, reward yourself etc but the truth is, I've tried all that and it's not working, which is why I turned to GN.

I would also like to say, I am not blaming my ex-husband. He is a lovely man and has remained supportive of me throughout despite the fact he re-married, and he is on good terms with the girls.

My girls would help me, but I don't ask because they both lead busy and pressured lives.

I just want to thank you all again. I really want to de-clutter but something is stopping me. I need to find what that "something" is. I think I need to get my mind straight first so maybe try counselling. I'm relating it back to my husband leaving me, but I may be wrong.

You have all been very helpful and I can't thank you enough.

I think you need to stop procrastinating and get started! I have collected too much stuff over the years and had a hard time getting rid of things I paid good money for. Finally I concluded that all that extra stuff was the cause of a lot of anxiety, and I began to get rid of it. Once you get started it becomes easier by the day and such a relief. Just do it!

With all due respect, I believe your friend is incorrect. That's okay. Some friends have their own agenda, it matters not. It only matters now for you. I work with hoarding type homes all the time. It can be overwhelming and therefore, stifling. You start with one room. Just that room. You start with a designated time - say 2 hours. You start at the door and work around the wall one way. You have industrial bags for save, throw out, give away, and I am not sure. That's 4 bags or 4 boxes. At the end of the two hours, you stop, and go do something more enjoyable till your next 2 hours. When you have excessive belongings, there is no where to move things to. This system gives you maximum reward as you will start to notice the side you started on looks better than the rest. Good luck. Alternately, there are specialists out there who do organizing. It costs money, usually $75 an hour with a 5 hour minimum but it can do wonders for you sense of self.

Set yourself a task , spend an hour every day sorting it out . Chucking away anything that isn't really wanted . You know the saying if you haven't used it or worn it in a year , you don't need it . Good luck .

I wouldn’t want anyone to help me but wouldn’t want to live in chaos either. Before my sister moved to her new flat after her divorce, she sorted everything - and then took it all with her with the intention of giving it to charity shops in the new town. Nine (yes, 9) years later she still has all the black sacks and boxes and can hardly get into bed. Covid is her excuse for not clearing everything out but we all know she is just procrastinating. I’d help if only she let me but she says she has to do it herself. I’m not holding my breath.

Be very proud of yourself! What a woman you are to cope through that. What a fabulous mother. You can understand how that has happened over the years - no one to help you do it and you probably were always too tired doing the important stuff- being a fab mum and working to Pay bills. Remarkable lady! ??

I have a technique I use to motivate myself. I give myself a number and tidy up / put away / throw away that many things.

I started at 5 and have worked my way up to 20. Not 20 big things, small. So recycle a newspaper. Put away the dishes. Empty the bin. Tidy a shelf.

The counting works for me. I keep track in my head as I go.

I have problems with motivation so have to give myself a limit so I know it's doable and has a defined end. Even if I'm working I do it. If it's a limitless task, I set a timer on my phone. I start at 10 minutes and work my way up to 30 minutes. I'm at 20 minutes right now.

bellelifeisinbloom.com/30-days-of-letting-go/

Great advice from everyone,now make a list then as you do stuff you can put a big line through it and that makes you feel even better and just say to yourself——————————-
“ NOTHING A WOMAN CAN’T DO” and go for it,good luck,wish I could help you ?

If it really is as bad as you say, I think you have to set aside an hour or so a day, and tackle just a small amount. Just don’t overwhelm yourself. Have boxes around you marked ‘junk’, ‘charity’, ‘keep’, ‘undecided’ and do it gradually.
If it’s taken 40 years to build up, you’re not going to do it all in a very short time, so be realistic and reward yourself when you’ve done a good bit. GOOD LUCK.

I think it’s more than probable that the problem is physiological and therefore a lot of the advice you have received so far just wouldn’t move you forward until you address what is truly at the root of your hoarding issues. Until you acknowledge and learn to let go of the past it’s impossible to find the strength and willpower to move forward.

I do feel for you as I am the same. I've decided that having "stuff" around me is a bit of a comfort blanket. I think I've always tended to be a bit of a hoarder and have kept things from my childhood. I haven't made the best choice in men and when my last partner of 14 years went out to darts one night and never came back - without a word of explanation - it was quite hurtful too. He left me to sort out all his things and he sent someone 4 months later to collect them. By this time I realised he had done me a favour. Then 4 years ago I lost my sister and Mum within 6 months and had to clear both houses on my own. Lots went to charity and clearance and I didn't keep that much but it added to what I already had and made my situation worse. You feel as though you are throwing someone's life away. I think if you don't feel good about yourself it adds to the problem. I agree that major events in your life do add to the problem.
It's easy for people who live in pristine houses to say get on with it but I know it's not that easy and you become overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I've got rid of lots to charity shops, car boots and on ebay but the job seems never ending. I've actually just sold lots of Christmas items on ebay that have been in the loft for years. My main concern is that I'm on my own with no family now and want to get my house into some semblance of order while I still can as there is no one to sort my things as I did for my Mum and sister. My house will always be lived in but want it to be in better order than it is, although you shouldn't feel as though you need to explain yourself, everyone is different. I worked full time for 38 years and for those of you who did the same know that weekends fly by just scratching the surface cleaning you never get chance to bottom it so the problem grows. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life sorting out. Good Luck with tackling it and let's hope we both manage to get to the stage we feel comfortable.