Need advice about a neighbour

The woman is disabled and needs a care package from social services. I think a phone call to any of the social services e.g. Home Helps or Occupational Services would point you in the right direction.

A bit of Halloween trickery, TimTom ?

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biglouis

No I dont believe OP is being unreasonable. I once got myself lumbered by offering to fill in a DLA application form for a neighbour down the street. Well no good deed goes unpunished and soon I found myself doing her shopping (despite not having a car) making phone calls and generally organizing her life for her. The crunch came when she began calling around (she knew I worked for a uni and WAH several days a week) for a "quick coffee" which lasted several hours. Nothing could budge her once sat down.

Eventually I told her that uni policy had changed and we are no longer allowed to WAH so I was in the office every day (I wasnt). Meantime her son had come to live with her so I was pretty assertive about how he had to take over the shopping, organizing etc. I gradually began to distance myself and then rationed her to one "meet" a month when I went around to her house. The son kept saying he was "not good" at organizing, phoning etc and I felt mean at first but you have to be hard and think of yourself.

Eventually they moved away. Phew.

amazing, thanks to you both

regards

No I dont believe OP is being unreasonable. I once got myself lumbered by offering to fill in a DLA application form for a neighbour down the street. Well no good deed goes unpunished and soon I found myself doing her shopping (despite not having a car) making phone calls and generally organizing her life for her. The crunch came when she began calling around (she knew I worked for a uni and WAH several days a week) for a "quick coffee" which lasted several hours. Nothing could budge her once sat down.

Eventually I told her that uni policy had changed and we are no longer allowed to WAH so I was in the office every day (I wasnt). Meantime her son had come to live with her so I was pretty assertive about how he had to take over the shopping, organizing etc. I gradually began to distance myself and then rationed her to one "meet" a month when I went around to her house. The son kept saying he was "not good" at organizing, phoning etc and I felt mean at first but you have to be hard and think of yourself.

Eventually they moved away. Phew.

You are being unreasonable if you just try to avoid the lady.

Please do contact the care company and social services to let them know that the lady seems to need more help now.

Thanks for keeping us informed ... you are right to say you can't do anymore for her ... yes she may have dementia she may not
but you have your own health to consider, like you I would help anyone but comes a time you have to say enough is enough ... she sounds like she needs help ... but professional help ... remember ... you have yourself & hubby to look after

How terribly sad. I think she may well have dementia, she's obviously been frightened by her perceived 'cost' of the electric phone. You can't get simple plug ins easily any more, I've been looking for my 85 year old aunt.

You don't get involved by ringing Adult Social Services, you can remain anonymous. They definitely need to know about this poor woman.

I've just read on Facebook a couple in their 80's have been discovered dead in their bungalow - neighbours saw them last in late 2020. So sad.

Well here is the latest. I was up at 7.00 this morning and there was a note through the door from said neighbour. 2 sheets of paper one saying she didn't want the phone and would I be able to send it back and could I find an old fashioned phone from BT or somewhere (one with a dial I think is what she wants). The other sheet of paper went on about the damp again.
I rang the woman that does her shopping and she said it takes two of them to do it but that's all they do. I needed to get in touch with social services. I'm not doing that as I don't want to get involved. I went down to her flat to retrieve the phone and that's when I said you can't buy dial telephones so she asked me to cancel the BT landline connection. I could have bl** screamed at her. She said could you have a look at my mobile. Anyway I came back upstairs and hubby was flabbergasted at her request to cancel. I took the phone to the shop to return it and came back to call BT but they would have to speak to her in person. Anyway the upshot is it's now cancelled and I've told her I can't do anymore for her. So we will see. Thanks for all your comments.

This lady has got family but they all live a good hour or so away. I'm going to phone this carer in the morning to see what she can do. I'll do anyone a favour if I can but I don't like having the p* taken. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks.

There is helping & there is taking over your life . You need to have quality time you & your husband, eventually it will put a strain on your personal relationship which you do not want, have enough to do without the constant worry ... needs help that you aren't able to give ... contact social services let them know ... has the lady got any family ... I agree with your hubby & others need to nip it in the bud ... sooner than later ... yes help on the odd occassion but not where it takes over your life ... one question ... before you & your husband started to help who did it before ? You can't live in a place where you are constantly on edge & think you have to go out to avoid her ... saying that don't go out, don't answer thr door ...

MarilynneT33 You are not being unreasonable, but neither is she. She is clearly a solitary and elderly woman who has slowly being going down hill for a long time and has reached breaking point. She needs help and sympathy, not irritation and anger.

Having said that, you can not be the solutions to her problems. This lady needs to be referred to social services urgently. You could also speak to your local Age UK to see if they can offer any help or advice.

I agree with Elegran and Shandy. Definitely get them involved.

You aren't being unreasonable at all. I think you must make yourselves unavailable whenever necessary.

But I do think a call to social services, or possibly the care company she asked you to phone - just to let them know she is requiring more help than usual and you have concerns about her. Helping out in an emergency situation is not a problem, but several requests a day is not reasonable.

But thank you for being there for her when she asked.

I agree with Shandy57, this is a matter for Adult Social Care and you can make a referral by phone either anonymously or by giving your name.

It's one thing helping out a neighbour who's in a fix but this woman is taking the p***!

When you have to give her instructions i.e. regarding the telephone get her to write it down, then she shouldn't have need to keep badgering you on that. Same with other things too but my advice now is to make the referral, stress the smelly flat and the lady's vulnerability.

I agree with Elegran. The lady obviously needs help but you can't look after her. You need to phone Social Services.

I would also get in touch with Adult Social Services. It is very sad there are so many older people without any family to help them.

She asked me if I could help when the BT man comes. Next week hubby and I are going to listen to him coming and have decided to be ready to go out. If she comes knocking we can tell her we have an appointment and are not available.

Do nip it in the bud next request say you are not feeling good and cannot help her . Do not get sucked in or it will go on for ever. I speak from experience . We move house eventually .

It sounds as though she has a care company, either through the social work dept or privately, but isn't up to phoning them to ask for help. Could be the start of her losing capacity to look after herself.

Contact your local social work department and tell them all that you posted above. If she has kept herself to herself up until now, and has presumably been coping OK with everything, perhaps it is all starting to be too much for her, and she could do with someone organising all those things that she has been asking you to do. Once you take this on, you will be the go-to for all her problems - which could escalate.