Gransnet forums

Gransnet cafe

Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

My daughter

(24 Posts)
Pili Mon 01-Mar-21 19:05:57

Hello I don’t know if I should ask for help or advice as I am new.
My daughter stops talking to me if I say the slightest thing that she doesn’t like. Last year she stopped talking to me for three months I never saw her or my grandson .
On her birthday I asked if she would come for her presents which she did and slowly she came around .
A week ago I said something and I havnt heard from her.
It wasn’t anything untoward but if it’s something she doesn’t like she stops contact .
I live alone and like lots of people have been in for almost a year .
The last time she wouldn’t talk to me I used to call my nine year old grandson once a week but I worried about him as it was a heard he just thought he wasn’t seeing me due to Covid rules.
I love my daughter dearly but I can’t keep doing this has anyone got any advice in the past she has said I play the victim I am totally opposite to bring a victim . I feel so sad but I don’t know what to do

Shez1955 Mon 01-Mar-21 20:55:08

Pili I feel so sad for you, this must be very upsetting especially as you’re on your own. No real advice except my daughter often takes exception to what I say. I try to be more careful and just shut up if she’s not happy with what I’ve said. It has taken a long time but we only seem to have the occasional flare ups. As I look after her daughter, which is a complete joy, my daughter can’t ignore me for very long. I hope your relationship improves.

Bridgeit Mon 01-Mar-21 21:16:27

Sorry to read of your plight,,it is difficult when none of us know each to make any suggestions.
I agree with the conclusion you already reached, that is that you cannot ‘keep doing this’ so take a break for a week or may be two, doing something you like doing , & pamper yourself Best wishes

Bridgeit Mon 01-Mar-21 21:17:12

By take a break I mean no contact.

NellG Mon 01-Mar-21 21:23:58

It's hard to offer much advice as without knowing what's been said and in what context it's difficult to unravel what went wrong with the communication.

I think the key words here are that you 'can't keep doing this'. To be emotionally held hostage by what appears to be fickle behaviour is stressful and exhausting and it wont get any better until something changes.

You can only change what you do, so focus on that. Even though the things that are said seem trivial to you, they clearly aren't to her. Can you go back over what's been said and find the bit she might have taken umbrage with? If so, you've found the key to changing things. Quite often it's as simple as saying something in a different way and making sure she feels respected by you as an adult in her own right.

I wish I could add something more stellar for you, but without details ( which shouldn't go onto a public site) it's difficult. I hope things get better for you both, best wishes. x

nadateturbe Mon 01-Mar-21 21:28:23

Well my son and DiL do this regularly for no good reason. She does this with everyone, it's not just me. They haven't spoken to me for months. I keep sending birthday ,Christmas cards etc. But I can't be bothered continually trying to patch things up. If they don't want to speak fine. no one deliberately says something offensive. If you have to watch every word it's not pleasant. I just get on with my own life. I wonder will I get a Mothers Day card. lol

nanna8 Mon 01-Mar-21 22:08:15

My youngest is a bit like this. I ignore it because I never know what it is that has upset her. She doesn’t do it so much these days since she had her daughter. The other 3 don’t do that so I just talk to them more, never mention it to them.

Sara1954 Mon 01-Mar-21 22:13:42

I sympathise, one of my daughters can be difficult. She’s lovely, funny, we get on well, have very similar tastes in things, and she’s very good company. But you never know when you might have said something wrong, and sometimes things are brought up, that happened months ago, and we have absolutely no recollection of it.
I don’t have any answers, if I did, I’d have put them into practice years ago, but you might feel better for knowing that you’re not alone.

Judy54 Tue 02-Mar-21 13:30:08

Pili you are not responsible for your Daughter's actions only she is. Don't keep chasing her let her come to you, I am sure she will when she thinks it through. A relative of mine was like that she took slight very easily and if she did not like what someone said, she cut them out of her life. I am not saying that your Daughter would go to these extremes but as a Mother all you can do is be there for her when she wants to make contact with you.

Redhead56 Tue 02-Mar-21 14:25:07

It’s just a thought maybe her home life is not so good. Sometimes if things are not so good with partners DC don’t tell us. As they don’t want to hear “ I told you so “ it’s possible but it’s only something you can ask when you do speak to her.

Smileless2012 Tue 02-Mar-21 14:32:41

I agree with Bridgeit Pili your D's playing mind games and what she's doing is a form of emotional abuse and you're her mother not her emotional punch bag.

Don't contact her, wait for her to contact you.

You don't say how old your D is but with a 9 year old child of her own, she's old enough to know better.

LittlemoO Tue 02-Mar-21 14:32:56

I have the same problem with my daughter, it`s hard work isn`t it? We have never been really close, but rub along.
I am 80 now, and said to her the other day, I was struggling a bit to manage housework, walk the dog, do the garden, etc
and she said " make a list" missing the whole point, or was it!!!
I often get told " well you should have asked, forgetting that I
had mentioned it, but in the end had to do it myself.

OnwardandUpward Tue 02-Mar-21 14:33:40

Well, maybe she has MH issues? Or perhaps there's an issue in the past that's hurting her? Maybe you could offer to go to therapy with her to get to the root of the problem? If you don't do something different, nothing will change and this is going to keep happening.

AGAA4 Tue 02-Mar-21 16:28:34

Mother/Daughter relationships can sometimes be difficult due to different personalities.
If your D takes offence when none was meant I would just leave her to stew for a while and get on with your own life till she decides to come round.

OnwardandUpward Tue 02-Mar-21 16:37:00

That is also a plan, if you dont mind repeating old patterns forever.
Its probably a good idea to try and find out why it happens, in case its hormonal/ MH or nothing to do with you OP. Sometimes introverted people just get overwhelmed and need a break from others. Sometimes people get overwhelmed, full stop.

The most important thing is, dont jump to conclusions without fact and don't assume its all about you. You might need to just give her space because this could be her personality. Perhaps she struggles with close relationships? Dont get offended thinking its you because there are plenty of other things it could be.

Or maybe you make her feel claustrophobic, or that she cant be herself- only a version of herself that you approve of? Being someone else would be a real effort and exhausting. I think you need to know the reasons why.

AGAA4 Tue 02-Mar-21 17:10:36

Overthinking and delving to find reasons could make things worse. There could be many, many reasons why people react in a certain way.
Some personalities are very quick to take umbrage and can be difficult to cope with. With my own children I just let them know they are loved even if there have been cross words and that is all they want from their mum really.

AmberSpyglass Tue 02-Mar-21 17:32:34

Is it anything in particular that sets her off - politics, religion, etc?

Tangerine Tue 02-Mar-21 18:53:18

Why don't you try ignoring her for a week or two and see if that makes her wonder?

Eventually, she'll be forced to contact you to see if you are all right. Well, that would be the plan anyway.

Perhaps you've already tried doing this.

FarNorth Tue 02-Mar-21 19:07:02

LittlemoO have you tried saying "Please could you help me with xyz?".
Your mentioning may be taken as just making conversation or maybe your DD believes you are coping just fine with your life.

Hithere Tue 02-Mar-21 21:28:32

What are the comments that are the trigger?

OnwardandUpward Wed 03-Mar-21 16:26:40

She is old enould to know better, but without understanding the background its impossible to judge.

OP could be quite tactless and be upsetting her unknowingly? Not everyone is a good judge of their own behaviour. Or the daughter could be a horrid human? Without the background its impossible to know. Id say either gently try to get to the bottom of it, or just get on with your own life. You can't change anyone except yourself. flowers

cher45 Fri 26-Mar-21 09:52:10

Thankyou all I thought I was a terrible mother !!! But it s not just me has daughter problem !!

henetha Fri 26-Mar-21 10:39:49

It must be so upsetting to have a daughter, or son, to treat you like that. Is it just me, or do others think that there seems to be a trend towards taking offence more easily these days?
It's so sad, and hopefully as time passes they will become less sensitive.
I used to long to have a daughter, still do really, but it seems it's not always as perfect as I thought.

timetogo2016 Fri 26-Mar-21 10:44:59

I too agree with Bridgeit.
It does seem to be mainly daughters that cause upsets with with parents, so sad.