Empty Nest Syndrome

I don't seem to fit in quite with the flavour of this thread. I spent a long time with a large family, through the years when it was growing and then the years when it was shrinking. The end came rather suddenly with a divorce and I am now alone. I reinvented myself a year or two ago and went from a shy uncommunicative type (Aspie if you are interested) to a bit of a social butterfly.

Losing my job last December was more of a wrench, but I am now volunteering at a drop-in for lonely and vulnerable people (hey, I'm lonely and vulnerable!) and training as a phone support line responder. We can do something about our own situations.

Tegan, my son has been with the GF since they met at 15 - 23 now, she has decided he is the one for her, and we have been over to visit - it was lovely too visiting his first home.

I now have new hobbies, being a trustee of a local charity, working as a volunteer at a local theatre, even doing a bit in the garden, never had the time before at weekends.

Hi Jane well none of our family had been in before, so it was all very new. He is in the RN so always very far away - Portsmouth/Plymouth. However after 5 years and a posting to Afghanistan, he has had enough and is leaving. The Forces just aren't the same as previously, morale seems to be quite low I hear. He say he doesn't regret the experiences he's had, but wants to settle in one area now.

I wouldn't recommend it, but of course, you have to let them do what they want to and find out for themselves. Lets hope your son chooses something else eventually, for your sake.

Sunflowersuffolk, I am in Suffolk. My son is playing with the idea of going into the forces too. My husband's family are all forces, my husband is trying to dissuade him but my inlaws keep on sending him brochures! You know what it's like round here - you can't escape it.

Tegan, my son disappearing is another concern! He is rubbish at contacting me when he is away. He isn't like most teenagers, constantly on facebook or emailing or texting. He can go for weeks without checking. He forgets to charge his phone, too. I'll probably have to go back to good old pen and paper!

My daughter and her family come to stay at Easter, Christmas and August bank holiday. It's hard work but I try to cook everything in advance and freeze it so that I can spend more time just enjoying playing with the babies and talking to them all. Apart from stacking the dishwasher and keeping on top of the washing, no housework is done while they are here. I want my son and daughter to stay in contact with each other, not just with me. I have seen so many siblings drift apart, that too must be hard for parents to bear.

My friend has four daughters, all of whom live nearby and with several young children between them. She feels a bit overwhelmed at times and can't understand why I feel so low. She would like a smaller house so that she can't have so many people to stay at once and doesn't have to host so many family gatherings. She loves them all dearly but I can still remember the shock I was in years ago when my daughter told me that she was going to move to the other end of the country. It's like a freezeframe moment - one of those moments such as seeing the twin towers burning, Diana's death, when everything seems to slow down.

Anyway - I just hope that by getting it all out of my system now onto you lot I will purge myself of it by the time it happens.

I sympathise with you all feeling sad - me too. Life has moved on to a new stage without us realising it at first, and of course it's only natural and right that they make their own life, but we still miss them. Don't like the house being so quiet, and us having lost that important role as a Mum.

I have 2 sons who I rarely see - one in Australia and one in Forces, generally I don't think boys are so good at keeping in touch, and so I have to make my own life without them, and just be happy when I do hear. No g/c yet.

It hasn't helped that I have lost my dear Dad and a lovely Uncle in the last 2 years, the last of that generation, so even Christmas etc is just not the same, much quieter and more boring. It all takes some coming to terms with. I am in quite an isolated spot with not much going on. I haven't yet retired from my part time job as I think that keeps me sane sometimes!

I have tried to start a local walking group but it fizzled out. The only way is to get involved in new things locally, but so far I'm struggling.

I speak to my daughter regularly, but I still miss her horribly too. With my son I think it's also a case of worry - he is very forgetful and disorganised, so I worry about him more. Heaven knows I have tried to train him, but he is a real innocent in many ways, my daughter was far more grown-up when she was his age.
I read an article that said that working mothers are just as likely to have ENS. I was surprised. I work part-time and have a large garden and various other activities to take care of, but why am I growing all those vegetables and keeping chickens with only two of us to eat the produce? I suppose part of the problem is also realising how much my life is going to be affected. There is no transport to my son's school from here and I certainly shan't miss the school runs on a dark freezing February morning in the snow. But I shall miss the extra dimension a teenager brings to my life - films that I would never have thought to go and see, music I would never have heard, technology he has introduced me to. I wonder if I am going to start to stagnate a little more quickly once he has gone.

Before DS2 met his now fiance he was at our place every day after work for an evening meal and to collect washing, as soon as it became serious with his girlfriend everything changed and now only see him if they need something special washing (ie.wool jumpers by hand) that only mum can manage to do,they keep in touch by phone about twice a week and will pop in on way to cinema if lucky,my house keeping bill has reduced dramatically.

Yes. That's what I meant Tegan.

#minesnotinarelationshipatthemoment

I can remember empty nest felling suddenly hitting me when last one left home - kept cooking far too much food, feeling wistful, really missing what they looked like when little and cuddles - you can torture yourself with memories and if onlys etc ...... But do you know what after a little while you get used to it. You start doing things for you again - seeing more friends, joining things, making nice little meals -all sorts and you get used to the house being lovely and fresh and tidy .... Then guess what they start coming back again - especially with the grandchildren and you find it quite hard at first to cope with the mess and noise etc - so funny really - so my advice it just enjoy yourself and look to the future too, you never know what's round the corner!

I think jingle looks forward to responses when she's posted a message.

I look forward to reading her replies.

You mean sons disappearing, j?

It must be so sad to be 'losing' your mum as well. I agree that this weather doesn't help [I'm begining to suspect that I have a touch of 'sad' syndrome at the moment, bit just have no desire to go outside]. When my marriage broke up I found gardening a great help; there was something very comforting about working with soil and plants. Maybe doing a list of things to achieve; something nice about ticking things off. Much as I want to retire I do wonder if it's something I might regret when I do?

Yes Tegan! I find the same.

Its really rewarding to read all the messages and I can relate to so many things mentioned; being on my own now for years, looking after my dear mum who is now in a nursing home and I visit daily. The sadness as I see her sadness and see her gradually changing with dementia and also trying to fight it as well as acknowledge it.Its like a loss in itself and I miss how she was and in my time of need. I too listen to the radio all night for company and have done for a long time now. I have some good friends and made an extra effort to make a new friend today.Before I retired I didnt work locally so didnt meet many local people so am trying to do this now having joined the WI. Found my new friend is very lonely at this time of year especially in the evenings so its not just me again. Having what was my son's attic room decorated this week so I dont associate it with my feelings of loss but new beginnings instead! I did this with the room I designated for my mum when my mum moved from here to a nursing home and it seemed to help me. Sort of erasing the past and the memories...not sure if this would be seen as a healthy move. Finding this site so valuable I really look forward to the responses when I have posted a message.

I found I always had contact on a regular basis with my daughter but whenever my son is in a relationship with someone he tends to disappear off the radar for long periods of time.

Absentdaughter went to New Zealand when she was 17; she was 30 last November. I love her and miss her conversation and companionship but I don't think I ever suffered from empty nest syndrome. Maybe that was because I was so busy with a more than full-time job and an elderly mother to care for and our house being the meeting place of the larger family (cousins, etc.)

It seems to be sons causing most of the heartbreak which is interesting and, to me, somewhat unexpected.

Oh no; not photos. I've mentioned this before on here, but it cripples me to look at the old photo albums of when the children were young; in fact they're hidden away somewhere, and I have very few photos on show. I sometimes wonder if going cold turkey is the best thing to do sometimes; did it a couple of times, once when a relationship ended and again when I wasn't seeing the grandchildren. Removed everything from sight that would hurt me. Maybe the fact that you've realised how you feel now will give you time to re adjust your life before September? I don't think any men expect women to be interested in model trains, do they? I thought they joined clubs for that sort of thing. Diva; will you be visiting him in Holland? That could be good fun. And the relationship with his girlfriend might not last [?].

I keep thinking, it could be worse, my daughter could be deciding to emigrate! But maybe one day she will. Or my son will. Best not to think that way at all I suppose, to cross bridges when I come to them, but the fact is - I never expected to feel this way. It has come as a shock. I think all I expected was a bit of a twinge as they went off to Uni, and that they would gradually just come home less and I would scarcely notice their disappearance. It hasn't been like that at all! One suggestion I saw elsewhere was to look at old photos - that made it worse!

OOh I so identify with you, my only son has just completed 4 years at university and is now doing an MA abroad, when he moved his stuff to Holland he said to me 'Mum, you realise I am moving out forever now, even for the university holidays I won't be home and at the end of the year then I need to get a full time job', and It had not realy hit me until he put it into words as the last 5 years have been full of comings and goings.

It is hard for me to grasp that he may not come home for high days and holidays any longer, his girlfriend wants him to go to her family this year for christmas - yes he has already told me that - I think he knew I would take a while to get used to the idea - so I am dreading a Christmas with just the three of us, me and hubby plus elderly/ancient father. Perhaps we will go away oursleves !!

I shan't miss the taxi part! All those late nights hanging around in dark carparks... My relationship with my husband is fine currently, but I suppose I do wonder if he will find it enough. Our house will be very quiet and where I spent years missing girlie stuff with my daughter once she had left, now he is going to miss all the boy stuff. I know he will, because on the way home from the interview he turned to me in the car and asked if I would go along with him to his next athletics trials. I am going to have to show an interest in a whole lot of new things in order to keep us going - I need sympathy here because he is also into model railways, cricket, football, rugby, real ale, maths puzzles, classical and church music - I don't think he has realised yet how much he is going to miss our son.

I am obviously an unloving, uncaring mother because from birth I greeted every step down the road of independence with relief and delight. My children leaving home meant less washing less cleaning, more tidiness, more time with DH and more time on my own.

Even before the internet and mobile phones we were always getting calls from them and ringing them and exchanging notes and even letters. Technology makes it even easier. I was on the phone to DD twice yesterday and no doubt later today when she gets home from work.

Contact with DH and family is mainly email, but again we are in touch sometimes every few day, sometimes several times a day.

Do not dwell on the negatives start planning for all the things you will be able to do when you are not the family skivvy and taxi service.

Well, my son moved back home after uni and has only recently bought his own house [he's now 30!] so I'm sure your son will be coming and going for a few years yet. I used to cry myself dry before my daughter left for uni but she now lives in the next village along with the grandchildren, so things don't always get worse. I used to wonder if my sadness at my children leaving home was due to the fact that my marriage was unhappy [we split up when the youngest went away to uni so I was left completely on my own at that point]. Friends that had happy marriages didn't seem so traumatised by their children leaving home,

I joined up here today because I saw the thread. I am feeling desolate and my youngest hasn't even left home yet. My daughter left home a few years ago and I have two small grandchildren, I only see them three or four times a year although we communicate frequently, and I still miss her terribly, but my son is now 17 and is taking a Gap year this September before going off to university. We had to take him down for an interview at the school on Monday and ever since I have been miserable and having nightmares in which he disappears down a large black hole and I can't find him. It's illogical since I know that if all goes to plan he will be back every holiday for the next four years, but it is made worse in a way by the fact that he is so good! If he were a pain I should be more pleased to have a break from him, but he is lovely. They say that God made teenagers so that their parents wouldn't miss them when they leave home, but apart from a bedroom that hasn't had a floor for the past two years since I gave up tidying it, he is very good company and very considerate. I almost wish he wasn't.

Tegan How weird you mentioned the reduction in the water bill,when DS2 last left home the reduction in the bills where massive,he was having up to 3 showers a day depending what he was doing or which sport he was parttaking in and the washing machine was never off with his sports and work stuff.I don't think I could afford for him to fall out with his girlfriend and move back home ? but made the problem simple by moving into a 1 bed apartment before he had a change of heart.I do love him dearly but at a short distance.