Empty Nest Syndrome

dogs4me; I tend to leave the computer on [sometimes throughout the night as well] and either have Radio 6 playing or BBC4 [again that often stays on till it shuts down at 4 in the morning]. It makes the house feel less empty. On the plus side, my fuel bill has dropped dramatically and, when my son moved out completely I switched to a water meter and am now paying £7 a month. I'm hoping to retire in the next year and there are no end of dvd's that I need to watch and books I want to read when I have that extra time, in the knowledge that I can come on here and other forums to discuss them.

dog4me I know all too well the feeling you have and I promise you they will pass with time,rejoice in the fact that you have raised a strong and caperble person to go out into the world and a job well done by you.Come to GN and chat to us when you can.

I think we can all empathise with ENS Grans and Mums.

When DH used to take our DS and then later, DD, back to University (never room for me to go to in the car packed with "stuff") I had to open their bedroom windows to let their scent and spirit go, usually crying as I did so. Then I stripped the beds and cleaned the rooms and started to come to terms, yet again, with the realisation that life is a long series of goodbyes to our adult children.

We raise our children and equip them to fly the nest and if they do so successfully, then we have done a good job. But it still hurts!

Tegan, you've got it in one. It's good to have a whole network of grans to chat to, though it can be a time-waster displacement activity. You start a conversation and in no time there's a whole host of friends arguing the toss or chewing over their experiences. A lifeline when you're feeling low.

dog4me; Poor you; lets hope that gransnet can fill the gap a bit. My house has been described by my children as 'a shrine to their childhood' which doesn't help with the 'moving on' process [although they're quite happy to store vast amounts of stuff here as well so their houses can be more minimalist ]. The worst thing is the 'empty piano' that doesn't get played any more [I can sometimes hear it in my head]. When I had a bust up with my daughter last year there was a gransnet 'meet up' which I looked forward to for ages and it cheered me up enormously. This place wil help to fill the gap that's been left in your life. I found when I was completely on my own that the computer was like having someone in the house as well. Big hug!

And - I clearly remember my youngest son "leaving" home. I was teaching, he was finishing university, and I had been accustomed to the summer holidays being full of him and his brother coming home to work for the summer, and a house full of of them and their friends. His brother had said that he wouldn't be home, and that was fine. DS2, who still never tells anyone his plans until the last minute, (even though he's now 42) casually mentioned in a phone call at the end of July that he was moving in with his girlfriend (now his wife and a wonderful woman) so wouldn't be home.

I was surprised at how sad I was; he'd given no indication at all! DDiL was so cross with him!

Oh, absent that is very touching. And what a lovely letter to have written!

My mother was quite distressed when I first moved into a flat after spending a few months back in the family home when I had finished at university. She couldn't understand why I wanted to live "with a stranger" (female flatmate) in a much more ramshackle place than I was used to, cook my own meals, wash and iron my own clothes etc. She felt that I was rejecting her and all the care she had given me and that part of the purpose of her life had been taken away. I wrote her a letter telling that I no longer needed someone to deal with my laundry and change my sheets and explained how much I still need her love, her joy when I was celebrating, her comfort when I was sad, her support when I was struggling and her encouragement when I was achieving. I found that letter, all worn along the creases in her dressing table drawer after she died thirty years later.

I've got ENS and think I will have it for the rest of my life, one in USA permanently, one in London permanently and one prob moving to Far East. Some days and nights I cry, others I pull myself together and tell myself not to be pathetic. I keep telling myself it's normal for babies to grow up and become independent! Funnily enough my parents never experienced ENS at their own admission. Maybe we (I) have lived my life too much through children.
I do enjoy a range of activities and the company of girlfriends and have a lovely partner but have a feeling always that I am now not as "useful and necessary" as I was when they were young.
Gosh, reading what I've just written makes me sound ridiculous!

When mine left, I was still working and had other irons in the fire which meant that I was very busy and I think this is probably the answer. What are your interests? Are you involved with any organisations or are there some that you could 'try for size'? If there's a U3A where you live, I'm sure you'd find a niche you could fit into. I know that there's nothing that can fully replace your family but that's life. You owe it to yourself to find something you can enjoy.

hi dogs4me if you do a Google search on the subject, you will find blogs, books and more. I did a search for 'surviving the empty nest' and loads came up. Reading how other people experience it may help you - apart from the support you'll get on here!

Hi nanapug, yes I have a black lab and dont know what I would do without her. The trouble is I was aware my son was moving , buying his first home and tried to prepare for the ENS however, I thought I would be fine and then it just hit me with a bang it really did. My house feels too big and empty and I feel as I have lost my purpose as well as getting so emotional and tearful. People and friends say it will go and not to make big decisions at the moment. It gets scary sometimes and I panic about my feelings. I am on my own although I have 2 other sons and 2 grandchildren who I adore. 2 Sons live close by including the youngest who recently moved, but I dont want them to see me like this Just got to get through this. I long to be happy again. x

Welcome dogs4me! It's a long time since my children left for university, but I certainly had ENS with one of them (not the others, strangely, although I missed them all). I recognise your description of how you feel, and it took me some time to realise what was wrong with me. When my father died a couple of years ago, I was interested to realise that mourning him felt exactly the same (makes sense, I suppose!).

I can assure you that these feelings go away. They fade, and it's a bit like when you have flu - you don't realise how down you were until it strikes you one day that you feel better. All I can recommend is that you have patience and try not to be too hard on yourself. YOU WILL GET BETTER. Things will not go back to how they were, but you will adapt, and who knows, you may find that there are advantages to whatever changes have taken place in your life. I do hope so.

I really feel for you dogs4me. I have not experienced it yet, but my DD and her son have lived with us for six years following her divorce, and I am very aware that they will move out at some stage. I know I will miss them terribly as having a youngster in my house is tiring but fantastic. He is a sweet boy and I know I am in for a hard time when they go My OH and I have a great relationship but we are a bit like ships that pass in the night as he spends a lot of time in his study or garage so I will be alone for much of the time. However this is not helping you. All I can say is, I think it will get better, especially if you are trying to keep yourself busy. I find being on here and face book keeps me well occupied and time passes very quickly. Do you have a pet? They are great company and medically good for you. I agree the weather does not help but you have the summer to look forward to. Come on here and chat lots, they are a friendly bunch (well most of them are ;)) and remember, it will get better xxx