Depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy

I'd love to get together, but I live in Surrey, so probably not that close to any of you - plus my driving skills are rubbish (again a relic of my childhood when my mother told me I was like her and would never be able to do it - I was determined to prove her wrong and I do drive, but only within a very restricted radius as I'm so anxious).

I was loved and cared for as a child so I do feel guilty for how I feel now. However, both my parents had disrupted childhoods: my mother was motherless at the age of 2 and sent to England from Canada aged 5 because no one could or would take care of her. She remained bitter all her life. My father was a refugee from Nazi Germany, came to England via Kindertransport and lost his parents at Auschwitz. They tried hard to give us a loving childhood but my father was very strict and both had set ideas on how we should be (especially me as the only girl). I felt I disappointed them in so many ways and let them down. My brothers were held up as paragons as they were intellectually superior to me and went to Oxford, becoming very successful and top of their respective professions, whereas I was pushed into teaching - I wanted to do art but it was made clear that 'you have to be good to succeed at that'. I never felt good enough and always felt second-best - the one who didn't 'make it'. It was almost a family joke that I was the 'dimmo of the family' - a rather overused phrase. I struggled to achieve some sense of myself, with my own tastes and interests, though these were often ridiculed by my parents. They did their best and gave us a lot of opportunities and I am very thankful for that, but I was determined that our own children should always feel they were loved unconditionally and that we were proud of them whatever they chose to do - and that they should follow whichever path inspired and excited them, not follow our wishes.

Our second daughter was born with a rare syndrome which was devastating for all of us - unilateral abnormalities, health problems, blindness in one eye, leading to years of hospital visits, major surgery including leg lengthening and amputation and later, severe mental health issues - self harm and suicide attempts. We got through all of this somehow and hung on - she survived, sometimes only just, has turned her life around and is now self-employed, feisty, happy, in a loving relationship and has a beautiful baby daughter. I look back on the difficult years with wonder: they weren't all sadness by any means as we wanted her to have all the opportunities her elder sister had and made sure that happened, even when we had to fight for her right to stay in mainstream education (she was the only child in a wheelchair in her primary and secondary schools).
Life has become much easier since both daughters left home (though I do miss them terribly, I celebrate their independence and wouldn't have it any other way). My OH has been retired a couple of years so we should be free to follow whatever we choose and be happy. That is why I feel so guilty that I can't enjoy my freedom now I have time and space to be myself. There's a sense of 'Is that it, then?' which sounds defeatist, and I don't mean to, but all the issues I'd shelved decades ago seem to have risen up to overwhelm me and prevent me from feeling OK (I'm not so unrealistic to expect more than that).
Tegan - I can empathise with your feelings when you bump into your friend walking with another friend. I am sure I'd feel the same. I dread bumping into my ex-friend - we live a few streets from each other but the idea fills me with dread! Granny23 - I agree with what you say about the inner child, though mine often deserves a good slap ;)

My drivings rubbish well [supermarket and back and the school run sometimes] so I don't get out and about as much as I should. Wish you lived in my village, Rowantree ; I'm sure we'd be pals!

Rowantree I think many will be glad that you decided to post your thread! as sometimes we( well many of us) have very similar feelings and we keep them to ourselves, then some one like you comes along and gives us (them) a little "nudge" and it then it dawns that you are not the only one.there are others out there with problems and it sort of starts the ball rolling...and lets face it! once we have shared our problem it does seem to help and lighten the load a little, as others have said do keep posting...

Granny23, what a lovely post

Daisyanswerdo, yes, your post made perfect sense. To me, anyway!

Awww - am overwhelmed at how un-judgmental and compassionate everyone is here! Tegan and others - wish I lived near you too! Who knows, we might meet yet ;) I might yet pluck up courage to re-dye my hair green in the New Year (I used to dye it green in a fit of middle-aged rebellion, till I had to appear in court as a witness and decided that green hair might prejudice the jury against me, so I 'lost' the green and never went back to it)...but if I do, and we ever meet, I'd be dead easy to spot: a squat, waddling, quail-like crone with green feathers.
I am going to read and re-read everyone's replies and thank you for being so understanding. It really helps to know I'm not alone and it does make me feel lighter and less weighed down :D

It sounds to me that maybe your therapy isn't working. Have you tried Cbt? It changes the way you think about things, and helps you cope better.

I think sometimes these feelings of anxiety and inadequacy stem from a lack of confidence in oneself. Seeing others having a good time reinforces those feelings. If I were you, I'd stay away from social networking if you can, and try to build confidence and positive thoughts through doing what YOU like doing.

Most people suffer with negative thoughts at some point. It may be that you are particularly sensitive too. I think there is too much emphasis on trying to be happy: if you're not feeling great, just go with it. Watch a nice film, get a box of chocolates and just slob out for a bit if it makes you feel better.

I hate winter too, especially the dreary darkness. I've bought myself a daylight lamp which has transformed my winter mood.

Keep posting too if it helps.

Stay away from social networking, gettingonabit? Not Gransnet, I hope!

I do think your advice is a bit simplistic - Rowantree seems to have made a great effort on her own to break out of the depressive trap she finds herself in. It isn't easy to break out.

I did try CBT many years ago. It did help me be aware of my thinking errors but unfortunately I couldn't break out of the feelings and thoughts I was having despite 'evidence' that was meant to get me to think otherwise. I was still feeling, 'yes, ok, but I still feel the same!' I've also had a year's psychodynamic therapy - I gave it my best shot, attended every session apart from when I was either ill or on holiday. Nothing shifted and I didn't think the therapist 'got' me at all. I've tried self-help and am still trying. Maybe I'm a lost cause, I don't know. Social networking sites like Facebook certainly make things worse - I find I am feeling anxious even when I see my sister-in-law's added another friend (which I know sounds ridiculous). I wish I could stay off it, but it's often the only way of keeping in contact with wider family and some friends I don't see that often. I do torture myself with it even so. It's definitely a mixed blessing!
However.... I can't avoid EVERYONE who makes me feel inadequate and envious. I need to learn how to accept my feelings better and learn some self-compassion, but that's a huge step and I don't know how to begin. I suspect I will always have these feelings to some extent but it would be lovely to tone them down a bit so they are more bearable and I might learn to dislike myself less as a result. I admire anyone who's managed to do that and can genuinely feel happy for others' good fortune without feeling envious, resentful, inadequate and anxious. It must be as wonderful as it is hell to be trapped inside my malfunctioning brain!

A couple of questions to ponder for anyone feeling inadequate, pathetic, guilty.

Question 1. Who is it that is judging you and sticking these labels on you?

Question 2. Does that judgemental person judge everyone else by the same high standards and also find them wanting?

I can answer those questions.
Q1: Me, in anticipation of others doing it for me (yes, I know!)
Q2: Yes and no. I guess I do judge others when I compare myself to them (I do this automatically,and I'm not proud of this - I hate it!) but 99% of the time the comparison is unfavourable (in other words, I always feel as if I'm always at the bottom of the ladder). It's a HUGE relief if the comparison turns out to be otherwise. And I am ashamed of that, make no mistake.

I stress that I am not happy being like this. I'd give almost anything to feel differently. To hear good/happy news from a friend and NOT have to pretend to feel happy for them whilst inwardly gnashing my teeth with envy, anxiety, inadequacy; to be a genuinely nice person instead of...well, instead of who I really am. I don't want to affect other people adversely, so I hide the real me as best I can. I know it's no way to live one's life. I know I deserve a good kicking. I just don't know how to get from where I am to where 'normal' people are.

Does that answer your questions, Granny23?

Rowantree I have read all that you have written and would not insult you by saying I understand what you are going through because I have never been in your position. I just want to say how brave you are to tell us your story

OK Rowantree Thanks for replying. Next question is for your Judge.

Question: Why does Rowantree, uniquely of all persons, have to be perfect? Is she not entitled to be appreciated (very small warts and all) and valued like everyone else?

Rowantree I have read and inwardly digested your post. I must confess that my experience of long-standing feelings of inadequacy fall far short of the mental anguish that you are doing your best to address.
Granny23 makes perfect sense.
When I joined Gransnet, I was in a mess. I felt inadequate and, on a daily basis, isolated from reality. Gradually, with the help of anti depressants and being encouraged to share my feelings with others, I started to turn my life around. There were days when I hoped to go to sleep and not wake up. There were days when the effort of walking exhausted me. My husband has been wonderful and without his support, I may well have had a full-blown mental breakdown.
I understand why I felt the way I did. We each have a personal life story. My own was "messy"...looking for love [in the wrong places, with the wrong people], rock-bottom self-esteem, feelings of total inadequacy...
Recently, I spent time in hospital. An elderly lady and I had heart to heart conversations. On leaving hospital, she said something along the lines of..."time to forgive yourself..." I returned home with a "clean slate". The past is where it should be. The person that I was, and often despised, no longer exists. The burden of guilt has been dumped. I am beginning to love life and know that, no matter what, I am strong enough to rally and cope with whatever lies in store.
I wish you the same transformation. We're here for you.

Granny23: Rowantree is far from perfect and I don't aim for that. I just want to feel...well, 'normal'. Not to have this compulsion to compare. It's like OCD. It might be OCD for all I know, but sod the label.
Soop: You're right: we all have a personal life-story. I am so glad that you have turned your life round. I am amazed that you did - I just can't see myself being able to do it. To go from feeling as low as you did to 'beginning to love life' and feel strong enough to cope with what life is offering is a huuuuge achievement in anyone's book. All power to you! What do you think was the main turning-point, or was it a combination of things? I despair of being able to do it - I've been struggling for decades, on and off.... and I haven't been in hospital as you have.
Harrigran: Thank you. I don't feel at all brave though - just rather a wimp, tbh!

Rowantree - I have read all the posts, and want to tell you that I understand. I have always suffered from anxiety, which is probably the root cause of my insomnia (damn it). I've tried many therapies, the latest one mindfulness. I found it very difficult to go to the sessions, but once I was there I was more or less OK. I feel sick leaving the house, no matter how near or far I am going. I HATE the way I am too, I have no reason to be like this, and I struggle and fight it. Then once in a while I decide to accept the way I am, and I feel a bit better, for a while, until the anxiety starts creeping in through the cracks again. I can't take anti-depressants, I took them years ago and they may have caused me to start have seizures, which caused me huge anxiety for a very long time.
I do hope you will have found some comfort and help from the kindness on gransnet. Please keep posting. And remember, the shortest day has come and gone, it will get lighter now, a bit every day!

Thank you, Grindos, and others who've replied so compassionately. Anxiety and depression are hidden disabilities - and little understood, least of all by the sufferers. Mindfulness is excellent - I did try that myself and would love to return to it, but I lacked the consistency needed to practice every day. I think I will try it again. It's about training yourself to accept the present moment, without judgement, rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a Mindfulness support group on Gransnet? Now, there's a thought....! We could help and support each other. Grindos, you did well to go to the Mindfulness sessions even though you were very anxious. However you are feeling now, you did manage it, and I am sure that you will be able to do it again. Baby steps are the key - not asking too much of yourself, breaking it down into little stages (sorry if you've been there, done that and eaten the T-shirt!)
I am finding much comfort from Gransnet and I hope you do also.

Rowantree You write so eloquently about your feelings and thoughts, lots of which I share, along with many of the other posters. I am really glad that you are finding Gransnet a comfort - that is my experience too, as well as being awed by the wisdom I keep reading here. I have wondered about Mindfulness, and am interested by how positively you refer to it. I do hope that all the advice and positivity here will give you the support you need. to you. (They are not poinsettias, but Christmas roses, a deep pink from my garden).

Rowantree I have only just looked at this. I really do recognise the feelings you have described about not being "good enough" etc, but I have been lucky enough to be able to more or less keep on top of this stuff. I have had bad times but luckily no serious depression.

I can understand that others are more vulnerable. Christmas is about the worst time of all for these feelings. Be kinder to yourself!

It seems a lot of us who have posted on here have been in this position in bad moments. It is difficult, but do not feel guilty for feeling like this, you are clearly not alone here. I will try and read this more tomorrow as its very late. ((((hugs))))

Rowantree I've been a very intermittent poster of late - I've read your OP and all the amazingly helpful comments/advice that came after it.

Sometimes, something needs to happen to shake ourselves out of our self obsession. Forgive me, that wasn't meant to sound dismissive of your concerns as I do understand them.

I have lived my life by the mantra 'there's always people worse off than me' Simple but true. I've just found out my Wonderful Man (thank you Granny Activist) has a malignant melanoma. It's amazing how other issues just fall by the wayside. Maybe imagine that - would you still be worrying about imagined sleights within your family if your supportive husband, children, you had a terminal condition?

The trouble is you can't imagine that and yet you can imagine all sorts of scenarios that don't exist except in your head. Concentrate solely on you, stop thinking about other people. At the end of the day, it is that matters and you are wasting the time you have left on Earth speculating about others' feelings.

In no way is this intended to belittle what you have written as I thought you were honest and brave to write what you did, it's just written from my personal perspective where, in the face of catastrophic loss, other stuff evaporates, rapidly.

Oh, Sel. So sorry.

I'm sorry too Sel.Nothing is more important than the health of your family.

So sorry to hear your news Sel. Is WM's prognosis really as bad as you seem to imply? or a worst case scenario? Either way such news certainly puts comparatively trivial worries into perspective. I know you are a strong woman but if I could I would send you extra strength to cope with what is to come.

I'm very sorry to hear your news Sel. Has treatment for your WM's cancer started yet? A very distressing time for you both. Take care.

Hope all goes well, Sel. It is particularly hard at this time of year, isn't it? Bon courage to you and the WM.