Depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy

Oops, misquoted you J - apologies, but the sentiment is the same.

Hello again to Gransnetters, from the resident miseryguts...
Just back from taking DD1 to the station back to Norwich. We have so enjoyed having her with us and I feel terribly empty, flat and desolate now. I never thought I'd be one of those mothers living for every cherished visit from their children, but hey, here I am - blubbing pathetically into my mug of chamomile tea (salty herbal tea=not that nice). We won't see her again till Easter. I'd hoped we could go up for a couple of days one weekend, but she's already a bit freaked with all the work she will have to do this term - she is teaching more modules at the university this semester. I am happy she's got an independent life; I wouldn't want that any other way, and I am hoping (and getting as close to praying that an ageing atheistic old crone can be) that she will meet someone as lovely as she is to share her life with. But I miss her already and am a bit panicked at how I'm going to cope with those feelings.

But I wiffle. Again.*takes deep breff and gulps salty herbal tea*

Am intrigued at why jinglebellrocks's post was deleted. WHY?

Mindfulness advocates (Grindos included): Thumbs up to that. I NEED to get back into it. Have the CDs, have a ricketty old cd player. I used to try the Loving Kindness meditation/Metta Bhavna(?spellin) but worried because I couldn't genuinely feel a real, fervent wish for others' happiness. I thought that made me rather a freak and a monstrous human being and it's something that evokes deep shame in me. I am told that it's enough to have the intention to try, so maybe I should give it another go and see what happens.
As to 'seeking the good things', I do that, really I do. And though I accept that it isn't apparent in my posts, I really try hard. I go out into the countryside whenever I can persuade my DH to drive us (my driving wouldn't get me much further than the local shops!); I love visiting gardens and historic houses. I enjoy working in my own garden, when I can motivate myself. It was all the more bitter when my depression took such a tight hold of my innards that I was finding it hard to enjoy any of the things I used to like doing. There was a demon hissing in my ear 'What's the point? It won't help, you won't feel any better for it, you're just kidding yourself....' and try as I might, I couldn't shut the booger oop. It's not a nice place to be, down in that grey treacle, where you can easily lose yer wellies in the struggle to extricate yourself from the goo. I am slightly better now, thanks to Mirtazapine, but it's made my weight rocket substantially and MIL is commenting about it (and I don't want her to know I take them, or that I am in therapy).
Interesting that Stansgran suggests making a quilt. I used to be 'into' textile art rather than patchwork which to me was a bit too much like maths (and I failed my maths O level quite spectacularly!) BUT...I have layered, cut, slashed, painted and dyed my way through a City and Guilds course of Embroidery (think mixed media - paint, metals, plastics, silk fibres and gilding waxes rather than traycloths and flowered toilet-roll holders). That was over a decade ago, and since then my enthusiasm and confidence dribbled away as that of my ex-bezzie and business partner grew and blossomed. I am trying in a small way to get back into it again. But Stansgran, my idea of a quilt is likely to be someone else's old dirty dishrag (as in 'Er- ye-e-es, but what exactly IS it?') MIL is constantly asking me what I'm making and my reply is usually 'Nothing much!' Having said that I am currently knitting a brightly coloured ...thing for DD2 and baby, using as many different patterns and stitches as I can think up, but using combinations of four primary colours. Will probably take me all year, but I will finish it.

Right, I am now going to take my beloved CD player/radio with me while I clean the bathroom ready for tomorrow's visitors, and try not to think too much about how long it will be before I see DD1 again....but I am truly thankful for the helpful suggestions people have posted and I will definitely try to put some of them into practice

Rowantree I hate the thought of how much you are missing your daughter. Any chance of at least a regular Skype or Face Time call, if she is too busy for actual visits?

Rowantree...get that posh/pretty writing pad out. You need to write. I love you sassy sense of humour. You could have the winning formula for a humorous "self-help" book locked away in that clever mind of yours. If so...the world is your oyster.

Rowantree,

Darling girl, so much of what you say resonates with me. You do NOT have to convince me of how hard you try. Like you I do all the things that should help .
I hope that I do not offend but I think our problems may stem from the same thing . Once seemingly clever, capable , competent and succesful we suddenly find ourselves cast adrift . We are used to getting things sorted, we are winners who suddenly feel like losers. When I was made redundant from my "high staus" job I too felt betrayed.
Of course I know that the important things in life are family and friends, the beauty of nature , the kindness in the world but although I now do a part time job which I love I do not have the sane purpose in life.

Although it sounds strange I have only recently realised that I have no close friends to whom I could confide. My husband is wonderfully patient and supportive but, well, talking about emotions is not his thing!
He works hard still and I find myself thinking at times like you. I love to walk in the countryside but I think "another walk on my own" "another trip to an "NATIONAL TRUST " WHAT'S THE BLOODY POINT!
I came to realise that if my life was filled with more people I would feel better. No family, have lost 5 closest friend over the last 2 years (am only 61) . See myself beeing like my Mum sitting and waiting for family visits )but she is 87).

Sorry for taking over with my problems but you DO NOT come across as whinging , complaining ,boring depressive. You are an articulate and caring person . Some of us know just how much strength of character it takes to get through the bad days --depression is not for wimps. Keep posting whnever you need.
By the way everyone, I have joined W.I and Ramblers but each only once a month round here.

nuttynana

Rowantree substitute that chamomile stuff drink with some real tea.

Your daughters sound a lot like my two. Things fall into the lap of the older one whilst the younger has a heavy load. (she is a teacher too) She has never met Mr Right and refuses to accept anything less. I worry about her. It seems so unfair. She is a sweet person.

I used to cry when she went back to uni. Well, I did with all of them. You can't escape the fact that we need our kids.

well said, jings

Rowantree, I absolutely agree with Soop and Nuttynana. You've already written some powerful, interesting, emotive stuff on this thread, and I reckon there's lots more in your clever, creative (maybe slightly bored?) mind that is straining at the leash to be expressed.
I also have 2 daughters. I love them both equally, but one is more caring to me than the other.
Another thought, how about seeing if a neighbour would like to do some textile art with you? It might be more fun than alone, and you might make a new friend.

Nuttynana, I am so sorry you've lost close friends. That must make you feel very alone at times. I dread being alone, which is why it's one of my obsessive anxieties - when I listen to friends/family talking about parties they've thrown or been invited to, I feel like the two-year-old no one invites to their house for tea (ie jealous, sulky, resentful, sad, isolated). However, I DO have a few close friends and I treasure them, but their lives are busy and actually difficult - one has 8 adult children, some still living with her, plus a live-in granddaughter and an OH who is pretty useless - even more so since he had a stroke 5 years back. She has her proverbial cross, I have mine (my own head). We support each other but I am careful not to be needy and to offer support when I can. I don't find it easy to make friends, so the few close ones I do have, I am very grateful for - and it's one of the main things stopping us moving out of the area.
Glad you've joined Ramblers (more energetic than I am!) and WI. I did wonder about WI - anyone recommend? Locally we have WI and TG but I don't know what to expect and fear everyone will be a few decades older than I am (I'm 60).
Jinglebellrocks, you leave me my nice chamomile, ya hear? I like to kid myself it helps with the anxiety and depression, so I drink plenty of it. Worst case scenario, it won't do me any harm! And I do drink 'real' tea and coffee as well. I'm no purist...;) Interesting to hear about your two daughters though. I'd not say things have fallen into the lap of DD2: she was born with a rare syndrome ( involving unilateral lobster-claw syndrome of one hand and foot, blindness in one eye, lots of other nasty stuff too like painful cysts) and has had a life of hospitals, amputation, other major surgery, mental health problems.
It was DD1 who seemed to have it going on in her childhood and teens: sailed through exams, had friends, had boyfriends, did really well in her degree, got her PhD...and then her relationship broke up a year ago, so she is single, and at 32 is still trying to establish herself in her chosen fortes (lecturing and music teaching). I am full of admiration for her: she has gone for what inspired and excited her, unlike me - but she has very little money and it must be galling to see other friends in places where she would love to be. And I know she would dearly, dearly love to have a family.
DD2 courageously turned her life round from the hell it was at times, was very determined and driven - got her MA, and now works as a freelance journalist (as well as having other strings to her bow) and has a partner and baby. I just wish DD1 the same: a loving life-partner and family of her own. But as parents, we all know that it might or might not happen for our daughters/sons!

What about opening a Matchmakers site here on Gransnet for our unattached children? Ok, don't titter - I jest, but sometimes I find myself wishing it was that simple!
Soop - all right already, got the book and am writing sporadically, but in all honestly it doesn't make entertaining reading! It reads more like the witterings of an angst-ridden teenager at times. But I will persevere. I alsa rather like the idea of the Glad/Gratitude Jar - saw the idea on the dreaded facebook! You take a large lidded jar and every time something good happens, or you have a happy moment, or feel good about something, you write it down on a little scrap of paper and put it into the jar. Then at the end of the year, you get everything out and read about the good things that happened that year. It's a very simple idea, but one which would need sticking with (and I'm not good at keeping things going). Equally you could make a Misery Jar at the same time and see which jar is fuller at the end...but I must say I do like the sound of the Gratitude Jar...

Must get on with sorting and cleaning - have friends coming later. We've known them years but I've built them up into people I'm in awe of, so I am always comparing myself to them, unfavourably - 'they're always so confident/happy/at ease with each other/sorted with their lives'...whereas I feel gauche, stupid, fat, boring and wimpish in comparison and I always think it show, however tightly I fix my mask. So I am actually anxious about something most people would look forward to. D'ohhhhhh....

I hope everyone's NYE goes well and I wish you all peace of mind, comfort and lots of love.

Chamomile tastes like poison!

Rowantree I saw the 'gratitude jar' idea on fb too and thought it was such a good idea I went and bought a jar! Whether or not I will keep it up is another matter, but I will give it a go. Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year.

jinglebellrocks: So, you're no fan of chamomile, huh? Good - all the more for me :-p

Happy New Year to all.

Dare I admit to feeling more than just a little bit sad? I never like New Year. Everyone seems to think we should feel jolly and excited about it, and be out painting the town purple.

I got a text from an old friend telling me she was at a Black Tie Do with her New Man. I was tempted to reply that I was at a No -Tie Do with my Old Man, but I decided I couldn't be bothered to reply....

I'm off to bed before I start getting any more morose!

I do drink it to get to sleep. I do it holding my nose.

Rowantree Happy New Year to you! I hope you feel a bit better this morning?

You asked about WI and I can heartily recommend it. I joined when I retired 10 years ago and made some good pals and had some great fun in the village institute I joined. When we moved to the south coast in 2012 the first thing I did was join the local WI and it is every bit as good as my previous one with kindred spirits of all ages. Our oldest member celebrated her 100th birthday at the Christmas bash but most of us are 50s, 60s and rising.

A wise friend once said to me that the world won't beat a path to your door - you have to go out and meet it half way. That is so true but it's also so worth the effort. If you google WI in your area it will give you details of the various institutes, when they meet and who to contact as a first step. I hope you give it a try and that you find a new lease of life, friendship and fun as I did.

As regards the W.I I thought about joining a few years ago because I thought they would be into crafts etc and wanted to learn to crochet etc . I found details of a group not to far away but someone told me I wouldn't like it because they were all so old! Well I didn't get round to going because I am quiet shy and any excuse not to make the effort!
Anyway a couple of years ago I found a "new modern style" W.I. had started up not too far away. I found the opposite when I eventually plucked up courage to go along. Most are younger than me but a few are older and it makes no difference at all. We have talks, sometimes an activity, no traditional crafts. To be honest sometimes I really do not feel like going out and don't fancy , for example "vegetable carving" but it is always great to get out , of the house and myself so to speak . We always have fun and a laugh. We only have the once a month meeting unlike some W.I 'S with sub groups for all sorts of things . Likewise with ramblers . I tried one group and they were very unfriendly and obviously didn't want any new members but I found this other one where everyone is lovely. No great friendships made , I do not seem good at that, but stops me feeling so lonely or sitting at home wallowing in depression! I suppose some would say it is not the right solution or dealing with the main problem but keep busy, physically active, and interact with people , do something creative ,it really does help.

Here's to a happy New Year to all GransNet and may we all have the strength to deal with whatever life brings and the wisdom to appreciate what we really have.

nuttynana the 'vegetable carving' made me LOL. HNY to you too, I saw come on 2014, let's see what you've got.

that should be "I say ..."

NUttynana - veggie carving made me laugh too! I'm wondering...WHY would anyone carve a vegetable? Unless it's to make potato printing stamps?

If I wasn't festering two days a week in therapy, I'd be able to go to some more u3a groups. A few years back I tried Philosophy, Russian for Beginners and Gardening - the latter wasn't much cop as none of the members wanted to do anything practical but there is another branch I could try... if it weren't for this darned therapy thing (another post, another story). I am re-joining my Pilates class this term, though I'm by far the fattest there which is embarrassing....and I have a small group of textile-arty ladies who come to my place every few weeks to share projects and ideas. I also did a felting course a year ago in London - sadly too far to continue it long term.

I will put out feelers to out local WI once I've plucked up some courage - sounds as if it could be worth a try, but I guess they vary a lot. It will be on my list of things to try this year

Anyone else out there into textile art/craft?

Apologies if this has been suggested already, but I cannot recommend choirs highly enough. There's bound to be one near you somewhere.

Rowantree I've only just read through this thread. thanks for the OP, and for all the interesting, reflective posts you have made. It's a really life affirming thread, just what we all need as the new year begins. Rowan, I suspect many of us have found our anxieties and low mood feelings harder to manage over this festive period. It's such an emotional roller coaster time of year.
All the ideas about letting your creative side free are brilliant. Good luck to you, and all the other posters. x

Sel, I'm sorry to have posted earlier without expressing my feelings on reading your news. I'm so sorry to hear this, and send love and very best wishes to you all

Just read some of this thread and it has connected, hoping you'll let me join in. I've never been a very confident outgoing person although I'm great at acting the part so no one would ever say that about me. I came out a lot during my 30's 40's even 50's but now in my 60's I m going back like a snail retreating into its shell and hating everything about me and my life. Last year, no sorry. 2012 my job dwindled down to nearly nothing, a huge shock and disappointment a couple of months later my darling Dad became a little weak and after a doctor's check up was told he had inoperable stomach cancer it became aggressive immediately and he was so ill so quickly I nursed him for three weeks and then he died with me beside him sitting in such shock I can't even remember if I held him or not. Within 6 months my Mum collapsed and I spent 24 hours holding her hand as she died I've gone into a state where I only feel 'right' in my own home and although I go out, do one day a week at work, look after the grandkids (most people would think I m doing fine)I can't wait to creep into my comfort zone. If I go out for something nice I m thinking about getting home. I can't bear weddings christenings and other events yet I feel so jealous of people enjoying themselves at them, NY eve a nightmare went to bed to lick my wounds I am full of negativity and even think a lot about my own death. I hate how I've become, I want to join something but make every excuse under the sun not to do so then moan to myself how fed up I am I need someone with a big stick of dynamite I can't remember when I was last happy I live on my own probably couldn't live with anybody now I have the radio on all night just to drown out my own thoughts
I m sorry if I've moaned on too much my finger has hovered over whether to post or not but no one knows me and I can run away if necessary Thanks for listening x

How awful for you, Bluebelle, to lose both your parents in the same year. Double shock and double grief. I admire you for nursing them and being with them as they died. You must have been a great comfort to them. When my mum was dying, I'd drive over to their house, and have to sit in the car at the end of the road to get up the courage to go in the house. I'd stay with her while Dad went shopping, but I was so scared she'd die while he was out, and it would be my fault. My sisters were much better nurses than me, but I took on the role of caterer, and cooked for them. My dad is still alive at 94, and I'm now scared of him dying. I dread the thought of finding him, or of him dying when I'm there alone with him.
I also go out but have to scurry back to my burrow, then roam around the house wondering what to do. I make plans to go somewhere, then as the time gets nearer, wish I wasn't going. BUT, I often enjoy myself once I get there, even though I also can't wait for it to be over so I can go home. It's as though I can't allow myself to have fun. If there's a film I really want to see, I go by myself so I can leave if I want to.