LOL jinglbells - but yes, of course I'd like to think I'm a 'decent person' - but I know I'm really not (honestly and truly, if you knew me, you'd understand why I say that). It's partly that which tears me up inside. I don't want to have horrible, envious feelings of people I care about. It feels...subhuman. It's no one else's fault, or responsibility, that I compare myself to other people so much and I don't want it to become their problem, so I hide it as best I can. But it's like trying to keep a lid on a volcano, or on a cauldron of demons - somehow or other, something escapes. So I just try and be the best person I can, (whilst knowing otherwise) but it's like baling out the sea with a thimble/pissing into the wind/fill in your own metaphor!
Nevertheless....I'm still practising mindfulness, and I'm hopeful that I might eventually learn to accept myself a little more in time and gain some peace f mind. It's not over till the fat lady sings, as they say....