Protecting our Parents

My mother-in-law was exactly the same. She is 92, and has at last decided to go in a home, of her own accord, as she was worried about falling again. She has always said she managed on her own, but for a few years now, she has not been able to go out without someone else taking her, and she hardly walks anywhere.
She went in last Monday, so I will go and see her next week to see if she likes it and wants to stay. I was going to go yesterday, but thought I should give her more time to get used to it.
Although I do tend to go out with my family quite a bit, I know I can go out under my own steam. That's when you have to start making decisions, I think.

I cannot bring myself to watch this series of programs. I agree with you durhamjen it is going to get a whole lot worse. My grandma lives alone. She thinks she lives independently but she doesn't. Yes she saves the state a whole packet of money by staying in her own home but (and I'm not trying to big myself up here at all) without a team of carers calling in three times a day and me visiting almost every day, doing her shopping, hospital and doctors appointments where would she be? Probably in a home where she would no doubt go down hill rapidly. I honestly cannot see my children or grandchildren dedicating themselves to making sure I am okay in my old age. Why should they?

I recorded tonight's programme and watched it straight away. It reminded me so much of my parents, except that they were a bit older, and still knew what was going on. They were just not capable physically of looking after each other.
The social workers were all for sending my mum home on her own from hospital, but she would have been terrified on her own at night as she had had a tracheotomy tube for over twenty years. If she coughed in the night, the tube would come out and my dad would get out of bed and hunt for it so that she could breathe again. They had an emergency button but she would not have been able to tell anyone what was wrong as she could not speak without her tube in.
My mother fell on Christmas Day 2005, and from then on she and my dad were in three different homes and in hospital three times. My dad went into a care home, then got a chest infection, went into hospital and died on Valentine's Day 2006. My mother was in a nursing home, then hospital, then a care home, then hospital, then another nursing home, where she died on 14th May, in her sleep.
My mum was 83 and my dad 87, but they were both much more alert than the couple in tonight's programme.
Their doctor admitted it was going to get worse for the rest of us. It's scary.

thanks for your post Mishap. Reminded me lots of my mum

So glad that you got the necessary care at home for your OH durhamjen.

I watched the programme as a recording last night and thought that the patients involved seemed to be getting good care - and the age care consultant was a very caring and sensitive man.

I did feel for the poor man who went through the process of dying only to have people thumping on his chest and reviving him, so he could go through it all again a few days later. It really did not seem appropriate as he was gently slipping away.

I remember my Dad (then 92) after his fall being asked on admission to hospital whether he would want to be revived if he had a cardiac arrest - he was very indignant and gave them a right flea in their ear. He definitely wanted to be revived - but I am not sure he would have given the same response a few weeks later when the full realisation of the pain and indignities had sunk in. He too eventually slipped away with a chest infection, probably related to his immobility. I am very glad that the staff in his residential home just let him pass on in peace.

durhamjen, hospice at home is wonderful for people caring for loved ones at home

Thanks for that information Djen.

Aka, my husband had his brain tumour removed, or as much as they could without it turning him into a vegetable. Then the hospital rang Macmillan, who contacted the local hospice, who arranged hospice at home for him.
No social worker. This was two years ago last January. It was arranged in the previous November, but we did not use the carers until 1st January, when he went to bed and never got out again.
Hospice at Home is brilliant if you need it. Every time my son and his partner do a long run, I give money to the hospice to support them.

My MiL lived in her bungalow for several years with carers coming in every day to wash her. The girl who came was very nice but could only stay for the regulation 30 minutes - not long to shower and dress! After several falls and stays in hospital she had to go into a home as she could no longer walk or stand. Although we had to take what was offered the home was fairly good and they were very good to her in the weeks leading up to her death. The weekly rate for her room was about £500 but as a Council tenant with no assets and only her pension she paid about £125.

Leonora you are not saving them £600 a month, on the programme it said £500 a week! I think it is more if you pay for it yourself rather than the LA who are subsidised by those who pay for themselves.

That's interesting Lilygran as I know someone who needs help but refuses to deal with Social Services and can't afford ongoing private carers.

The GP arranged care at home for my aunt after she had a fall. I'm not sure how it worked but social services came on the scene later. It was ten years ago so maybe the system is different now.

How on earth did you manage to get carers in without a Social Worker Durhamjen?

I agree about the inadequate service, Leonora, but I did not see that people had been abandoned. I looked after my husband for 15 years until he died of brain cancer two years ago. It was only in the last three weeks that he had carers, when I could no longer do it for him.
What I saw were family members being quite baffled by the complexity of looking after their parents. What I thought appalling was the doctor who admitted that some of the patients would be worse off staying in hospital, and it was necessary to get them out and into a home as quickly as possible.
How did we let that happen?

I have been caring for my 88 year old husband, who has late stage dementia and epilepsy for six years, and found the programme quite upsetting - of course it was good, and pulled no punches, but the elephant in the room, as we watched it together was, 'what would happen to my dear husband if I were unable to care for him any longer'. I am convinced that he would have died years ago if he had not received continual loving care.

We've been lucky in the assistance we have received: he goes, rather unwillingly, to a day-care centre one morning a week; and a carer comes for three hours on one afternoon, so that I can have a chance to go out for a while - that seems to be much more than the lady and gentleman featured in the programme had.

I suppose that, while I am willing to care for my husband 24/7 I am saving them about six hundred pounds a month in residential care. So the sums make financial sense to them.

But those of our elders who have no one willing or able to care for them, get a pathetically inadequate service; and the programme did a vital job in highlighting the disastrous effect of their shameful abandonment by all those who should be looking out for them.

It's actually a series, Kitty, so it will be available online. There are also links to the OU.
I'm not sure if I want my mother-in-law to watch it or not. It's all about her.
She is going into a care home on Monday for a fortnight. She can then decide if she wants to stay there. She has been in and out of hospitals and care homes over the last two years. She was sent home a month ago with four visits from carers a day, and then it went down to one, visit every morning. However, last weekend she rang me up and told me that she was frightened of falling again all the time, so had decided to go into a home. She stressed that it was her decision.
It's hard for her because the bungalow she lives in was built by her husband over fifty years ago, and she has lived in it ever since.
If she decides to stay in the home, then the bungalow would have to be sold to pay for her care.

Loved the main lady, she should have a Facebook page we could all 'like'! I said to DH that I planned to be like her and he asked what I meant because he thinks I already am!

Well it was very true to life, so beware. It doesn't pull any punches.

Missed it! Damn! . Is it worth watching on iPlayer?