It's back: Morning Depression feeling...and worse

Rowan In this and your previous posts I have always felt that you are very hard on yourself. You would be surprised at how many people feel as you do. I hope I am a reasonable decent person but sometimes I surprise myself with how much resentment and almost hatred (yes I know, a horrible word) I feel towards the occasional person. I have posted on here about my daughter's relationship with her friend's mother. It makes my blood boil to the point that I feel like exploding. This woman has done nothing to me but I am jealous of the fact that my DD thinks so much of her. I am sure no one on here will get irritated or angry with you. I think most people are struggling with something. As mentioned above try to be kinder to yourself. You are a good person

So sorry to hear your story,I can understand how you feel as my story is about the same and I had a couple of weeks feeling better,then bang off we go again,I also have trouble sleeping which does not help,also like you my treatment with the experts is tailing off as we can just about cope and we have had our share of what is available as there are people out there worse than us.my task today is to reply to this and say I am here to moan to and give support even if it is only e mails and hope we can help each other out of this difficult time

Who suggested you come off the mertazapine? Was it your doctor, or DH because of the weight gain? You seem to have been doing well on them. Could you speak to your doctor about the extra hunger. He might be able to help with a diet plan. Or you could keep an eye on calories, and take some extra exercise.

Seems such a shame not to continue with an AD that was working just because of weight gain that could probably be helped.

Rowantree do you have a CPN (community psychiatric nurse)? They can be very helpful with support and with guidance through the minefield of getting to the therapy that will suit you. You could ask if you could be allocated a CPN.

I too suffer with depression (although not as badly as you), so have a notion of what you are feeling. You are not a bad person, I too sometimes have feelings of jealousy when I hear someones good news and I think that is normal for most people. We are none of us perfect, we all think things which we would not like other people to know.

When suffering depression we are often too critical of ourselves, I know its hard but try to be kind to yourself ((hugs))

Perhaps a good holiday may help you ?

I can't get an appointment with him till mid June He's overwhelmed with appointments and my case isn't urgent (he deals with very sick patients who are in-patients or in danger of suicide. I am simply not unwell enough because I can function. That's how they see it
I plan to appeal if I can find a way though, but it's going to take ages because I can't see the psychiatrist for ages. I've left a message so I hope someone will get back to me. Mental health services are the bottom of the pile, and people like me are left feeling that nobody gives a stuff about them, which reinforces all the negative stuff going on in the head.

Thank you for your hugs and support. I will keep posting but I do worry that people will get irritated and angry (someone did a while ago and I felt so guilty because I have no reason to feel the way I do)

rowan, how can you be an unpleasant person when you are able to recognise the feelings you have and feel this despair at having them? No, it is clear that you are a good, decent person who is overwhelmed at the moment and who does need the help that has been denied to you. Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this denial of therapy?

I can offer you no advice but send you huge (((hugs))) and

Keep coming back and talking to us.

Thank you both. At the moment I feel in meltdown and keep crying. It was made all the worse an hour ago when I received a letter from CIPTS (Croydon Integrated Psychological Therapy Service) rejecting my psychiatrist's referral for further therapy. According to them, I've had psychotherapy and CBT and 'an attempt was made to offer Touchtone' (that was the MBT I tried for 9 months, which made me feel WORSE!)
In which medical discipline would doctors say to a patient - ok, you've tried this and that drug, and they haven't worked, so fuck off now because we aren't prepared to offer you anything else'? I feel so angry and let down now on top of everything else. I don't ask to feel like this. I'd give ANYTHING to be able to help myself better. I would infinitely prefer to be independent, but unfortunately I need help and now the final door has closed on me.

Going to the GP is useless - I'm seeing a psychiatrist and it was he (him?) who referred me for further therapy.

I don't know how to appeal but I am trying to get an earlier appointment with him to protest and see if there is a way forward, but we are going away in a couple of weeks so that is unlikely.
In the meantime I have to continue coming off Mirtazapine and once clear I will start this new one. However, I can't shake the feeling that I am basically an unpleasant unhelpable person and that no amount of antidepressants will alter that.

Your kindness means a lot, though, Mishap and Marelli. Thank you both xXX

Would it make sense to chat again with your GP or psychiatrist? There are many anti-depressants with different side-effects and maybe you just have not found the one that is right for you.

The feelings that you have are absolutely typical of depression sufferers and they represent a serious illness, not a personal failure.

I do hope that the right treatment will be found for you.

Rowantree, 'most people' don't have good thoughts and feelings about others all the time, believe me, and the fact that you can't feel happy about others' successes doesn't make you subhuman. You are just like the rest of us when we feel low. The lower you feel on a particular day will make you hate yourself even more when you wake up the next day. There are so many of us who will understand where you're coming from, if not how you're actually feeling, because only you can do that, of course.
Try not to feel completely alone with this. If you can manage to overcome just one wee thing today - even if it's keeping away from the biscuit tin or phoning or texting a message to one of the pals that you were feeling miserable about, it might just give you a bit of a lift.
We're here to natter to, remember. We might be scattered all over the place, but many of us are people who have come through bad times and come out the other end somehow. Be kind to yourself. You are special, just like we all are.