It's back: Morning Depression feeling...and worse

Rowantree, 'most people' don't have good thoughts and feelings about others all the time, believe me, and the fact that you can't feel happy about others' successes doesn't make you subhuman. You are just like the rest of us when we feel low. The lower you feel on a particular day will make you hate yourself even more when you wake up the next day. There are so many of us who will understand where you're coming from, if not how you're actually feeling, because only you can do that, of course.
Try not to feel completely alone with this. If you can manage to overcome just one wee thing today - even if it's keeping away from the biscuit tin or phoning or texting a message to one of the pals that you were feeling miserable about, it might just give you a bit of a lift.
We're here to natter to, remember. We might be scattered all over the place, but many of us are people who have come through bad times and come out the other end somehow. Be kind to yourself. You are special, just like we all are.

Would it make sense to chat again with your GP or psychiatrist? There are many anti-depressants with different side-effects and maybe you just have not found the one that is right for you.

The feelings that you have are absolutely typical of depression sufferers and they represent a serious illness, not a personal failure.

I do hope that the right treatment will be found for you.

Thank you both. At the moment I feel in meltdown and keep crying. It was made all the worse an hour ago when I received a letter from CIPTS (Croydon Integrated Psychological Therapy Service) rejecting my psychiatrist's referral for further therapy. According to them, I've had psychotherapy and CBT and 'an attempt was made to offer Touchtone' (that was the MBT I tried for 9 months, which made me feel WORSE!)
In which medical discipline would doctors say to a patient - ok, you've tried this and that drug, and they haven't worked, so fuck off now because we aren't prepared to offer you anything else'? I feel so angry and let down now on top of everything else. I don't ask to feel like this. I'd give ANYTHING to be able to help myself better. I would infinitely prefer to be independent, but unfortunately I need help and now the final door has closed on me.

Going to the GP is useless - I'm seeing a psychiatrist and it was he (him?) who referred me for further therapy.

I don't know how to appeal but I am trying to get an earlier appointment with him to protest and see if there is a way forward, but we are going away in a couple of weeks so that is unlikely.
In the meantime I have to continue coming off Mirtazapine and once clear I will start this new one. However, I can't shake the feeling that I am basically an unpleasant unhelpable person and that no amount of antidepressants will alter that.

Your kindness means a lot, though, Mishap and Marelli. Thank you both xXX

I can offer you no advice but send you huge (((hugs))) and

Keep coming back and talking to us.

rowan, how can you be an unpleasant person when you are able to recognise the feelings you have and feel this despair at having them? No, it is clear that you are a good, decent person who is overwhelmed at the moment and who does need the help that has been denied to you. Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this denial of therapy?

I can't get an appointment with him till mid June He's overwhelmed with appointments and my case isn't urgent (he deals with very sick patients who are in-patients or in danger of suicide. I am simply not unwell enough because I can function. That's how they see it
I plan to appeal if I can find a way though, but it's going to take ages because I can't see the psychiatrist for ages. I've left a message so I hope someone will get back to me. Mental health services are the bottom of the pile, and people like me are left feeling that nobody gives a stuff about them, which reinforces all the negative stuff going on in the head.

Thank you for your hugs and support. I will keep posting but I do worry that people will get irritated and angry (someone did a while ago and I felt so guilty because I have no reason to feel the way I do)

Perhaps a good holiday may help you ?

I too suffer with depression (although not as badly as you), so have a notion of what you are feeling. You are not a bad person, I too sometimes have feelings of jealousy when I hear someones good news and I think that is normal for most people. We are none of us perfect, we all think things which we would not like other people to know.

When suffering depression we are often too critical of ourselves, I know its hard but try to be kind to yourself ((hugs))

Rowantree do you have a CPN (community psychiatric nurse)? They can be very helpful with support and with guidance through the minefield of getting to the therapy that will suit you. You could ask if you could be allocated a CPN.

Who suggested you come off the mertazapine? Was it your doctor, or DH because of the weight gain? You seem to have been doing well on them. Could you speak to your doctor about the extra hunger. He might be able to help with a diet plan. Or you could keep an eye on calories, and take some extra exercise.

Seems such a shame not to continue with an AD that was working just because of weight gain that could probably be helped.

So sorry to hear your story,I can understand how you feel as my story is about the same and I had a couple of weeks feeling better,then bang off we go again,I also have trouble sleeping which does not help,also like you my treatment with the experts is tailing off as we can just about cope and we have had our share of what is available as there are people out there worse than us.my task today is to reply to this and say I am here to moan to and give support even if it is only e mails and hope we can help each other out of this difficult time

Rowan In this and your previous posts I have always felt that you are very hard on yourself. You would be surprised at how many people feel as you do. I hope I am a reasonable decent person but sometimes I surprise myself with how much resentment and almost hatred (yes I know, a horrible word) I feel towards the occasional person. I have posted on here about my daughter's relationship with her friend's mother. It makes my blood boil to the point that I feel like exploding. This woman has done nothing to me but I am jealous of the fact that my DD thinks so much of her. I am sure no one on here will get irritated or angry with you. I think most people are struggling with something. As mentioned above try to be kinder to yourself. You are a good person

Well said Katy.

DD1 and her friend took their shared cleaner (who DD calls Fairy Godmother!) out for afternoon tea as a birthday treat. I was really . Silly really as I know she loves me and she is very thoughtful as far as the whole family is concerned.

The brilliant thing about GN, Rowan, is that we are mostly supportive and I'm sorry someone appeared irritated - that wouldn't have been most of us at all!

Kitty - it's natural I think to be a bit miffed. I know all about my DD's friend's mum. I spent a few hours with her recently and she said 'sorry I didn't catch your name' . She is feisty, accomplished, has a lovely life (apparently), has a top of the range new car every year, is invited to all the girly 'dos' they have, days out to the races and much more. I, however, am none of the above. Oo did I really just type that out loud! Bitter? moi? Rowan maybe if you did have a chat with someone, a friend maybe, and said that you are getting all these resentful feelings, it may help you. I have a chat with my sisters about my 'bitterness' and we end up having a laugh about it.

Rowantree I haven't read this whole thread, but strangely, you were on my mind this morning and I wondered where you had disappeared to and whether you were okay.

Hugs.

I had been wondering too Rowan

Rowan it's weird for me to read about your envy of other people, because I sort of have the reverse: I feel guilty when things go well for me and then I think about all the people in the whole wide world who aren't as lucky as I am (because a lot of it is luck, although I know you can make your own luck too). For instance, at the moment I am knitting beautiful things for my first grandchild who will be born in July, and I feel bad for all the mums who don't even have somewhere safe to take their babies home to, let alone exquisite knitted stuff. So I am a bit nuts too.

Re the meds - isn't there something about when you come off SSRIs, you can sometimes for a short period of time experience the original symptoms? It's a bit like when headache tablets cause headaches ...

I definitely know that's the case with tranquillisers. Where are the GN clinicians when you need them?

Please remember that you have an illness and not a personal weakness. It is so easy to embrace that mindset and it really is not helpful.

There is no doubt that some anti-depressants fuel appetite and the desire to eat more is not a personal failing but a drug-induced state. It may be that you need the help of a dietician alongside your medication.

You are certainly in need of general support with your treatments and therapies and this is where a CPN can be very useful.

Rowan depression is an awful illness it doesn't make you a bad person but it can alter your thinking so you believe falsely that you are. You are having a lot of negative thoughts at the moment and that is a huge part of depression so a normal feeling for you if you like. Please go back to your GP and discuss further options with regard to antidepressants the difference can be brilliant if you find one you tolerate well and actually improves your mood. All drugs have side effects we have to decide if the pros outway the cons. Is there a branch of MIND near you? You can have long term support from them and they do individual support and helpful groups some to help depressive symptoms, some just for interest to give you something to distract you from your unhelpful thoughts. As you are under a psychiatrist you could certainly be eligible for support from a CPN? I hope one of these options may help you be happier soon and good luck and best wishes to you. Another option is to speak to a therapist. If you are with secondary mental health ( which you are if you are seeing a psychiatrist) then you may not be eligible to see one through you GP because some health boards won't allow you to access secondary and primary care at the same time if they are separate services but if it is an amalgamated service you can be referred between. Your GP will be able to tell you what kind of service operates in your area. You could access a private therapist if you can afford it. The best way to do this is through BACP or UKCP. Most therapists are registered and vetted through one or the other and you can grind someone you feel you can work with near you. If you decide to do this always ask about how they work and proof of their training, reputable therapists will not mind this at all but at present anyone can set themselves up in private practice with the minimum of training so if you find them through a professional organisation you will have peace of mind. I wish you well.

Dear Rowan you are NOT in any way a subhuman freak! Most of us, however nice we may seem, harbour horrible jealous thoughts about friends and relatives - even those closest to us. It may not be nice but it's perfectly natural to resent the good things that are happening to others when we are feeling really depressed and hopeless.
I do hope you are able to find someone to help you, I'm sure the answer is out there somewhere.

It is such a comfort reading the responses here. I feel so guilty for feeling as I do. I am dreading hearing the news from Canada about DH's niece - details of how well she did in her labour, pics of the baby etc....things that most people would delight in hearing, but I am trying hard to pretend it's not going to happen. I know my DH has had the email by now, and he is aware of my feelings and hasn't said anything to me since I blew up at him the other night when he read his sister's email describing how she was with her daughter at the birth and how well it was all going. I said stupid, horrible childish things, such as 'I don't want to know about the stupid b** - why should we have all those b** details?' It was a ridiculous overreaction, just like a two-year-old and I feel so ashamed, but 24 hours later I still feel the same! I will have to face it sometime, send the required congratulations card and big present, but the worst thing will be hearing MIL going on and on about it when we visit her a week on Sunday. When her daughter gave birth she rang me up to tell me and made a point of telling me it was a 'normal birth' (mine were both C-sections - my first was horrendous because it was an emergency and the epidural didn't work properly so I felt some pain -and the second was when my DD2 was born with Goltz and severe malformations, so both times I felt utterly cheated of the blissful time I thought everyone else had giving birth). I was so angry with MIL for being thoughtless enough to point it out, and I know she will be doing the same this time for her granddaughter. How on earth will I deal with it? I have no idea - I am even thinking of pretending I'm not well enough to visit her, but I know it will have to happen sometime and I can't stop an elderly woman wanting to talk excitedly about her great-grandchild!!
It's worrying me so much at the moment that I can't think straight and the rejection letter from CIPTS was the icing on the proverbial cake today. I keep bursting into tears and my emotions are all over the place.

As to private therapy - I am certainly going to pursue this option now if I can find someone suitable and affordable.
What TwiceAsNice said about not being able to access primary and secondary care at the same time is correct - at least it is where I live. So it's pointless going back to my GP. I will have to battle it out with my psychiatrist when I next see him in mid June, but I don't suppose that will get me very far.

Grannyknot - I wish I was like you - those are the kind of feelings I really
wish I had. YOU are a truly good person!

I'm not sure whether I'm entitled to a CPN. I thought you only got one of those when you'd been an in-patient of a psychiatric ward, and I haven't ever been. I suppose I should be thankful for that, but if I had been, I might have rather more help now!
KIttylester and KatyK - reassuring to read that you sometimes feel similarly, and I had to smile as I read your posts because I knew I'd feel exactly the same in your situation. I hardly dare share my feelings with friends because I'm terrified they'd see me for what I am and be horrified and disgusted. Also I sometimes feel envious/jealous of close friends and I'd be mortified and devastated if they knew, or were hurt by it.

I've already painfully lost one 25-year friendship 5 years ago, partly because the friendship became rather toxic but mainly because I lost the struggle to hide feelings of jealousy and inadequacy and they spilled over despite my best efforts. I felt deep shame and humiliation; my 'friend', with whom I shared a small business, dumped me, and I had to give up seeing mutual friends and going to the groups we used to attend together because it would have been too awkward otherwise. She is going from strength to strength, continuing with her side of the business (she lied to me and was overtly unpleasant and cruel during the split, sending her DH to shout at me for not dividing the shared stock quickly enough and ignored the fact that we were going through a rather gruelling court case at the time (DD2 was sexually assaulted by a peodophile who turned his attention to vulnerable young girls). Anyway that's all in the past now, and it was all more complicated than it sounds, but it's left its mark and I have to be so careful to keep my inadequacies hidden so people can't see the unacceptable truth!

I am hoping that once I start taking the new antidepressant (not for a few weeks unfortunately) I will start to feel a little better - but they do take a few weeks to kick in so I won't know for quite a while yet.

Bless you all for your kindness and understanding! xxxx

Someone once said to me that part of my problem was that I was trying to be perfect - when, of course, no-one is. I think you are the same, you feel you have to present a "perfect" front to the world or they will see the real you. Well, the real you isn't that bad, in fact the real you is just as human and imperfect as the next person. I imagine you go out of your way not to upset people but do people go out of their way not to upset you? I'm not saying you should go around deliberately upsetting people, but if there is something you feel strongly about you are entitled to say so. If you don't feel up to visiting your MiL then don't go. Your DH sounds very supportive and if you can explain to him the reasons you don't want to go he could go alone and give your excuses, or if you do decide to go, he could help steer the conversation away from the topics that upset you.

Please stop thinking about yourself as if you were somehow inferior to everyone else, you are not. If you were the terrible person you think you are then none of this would upset you would it.

As I said before, try to be kind to yourself (((hugs)))

That's a good post sunseeker and I agree that for now, it may be best not so see your MIL. Rowantree your traumatic time with your DD2 has infused you with dark feelings about 'birth' and maybe the fact that you have never been allowed to fully grieve about this, has led to resentment about others' pregnancies.This is all subconcious stuff, it's what our brains do to protect us from reality.Is the time right to get these feelings into the open concious part of the mind, and hope that the resentful feelings will then fade away? Try and find a new anti-depressant that won't cause weight gain, there should be one?Would a mild sleeping tablet help you? Fears are always worse during the night, and a good sleep will help your mood.As others have said, you are not alone, none of us are very good, even though we try to be.You have had problems in your life, as many of us have had, but with the right medication, your DH and the knowledge that lots of women have depressive feelings [especially our age] you CAN get over this.

You are entitled to the services of a CPN whether or not you have been an inpatient. Contact the hospital or clinic where your psychiatrist works and ask to speak to the CPNs. Or you can google your health authority and either search online for CPNs or ring and ask. It may be that the psychiatrist will need to make the referral to the CPN, but you can ask for this to be put into action - tell them how bad you are feeling and that you need support to carry on and to continue with the medication.

Depression is a very complicated illness, because, as you know only too well, it can lead to irrational thoughts which are scary, and lead people to lose self-esteem and the courage to be assertive about what they need - they feel that they will be dismissed.

Can I suggest that you list clearly your reasons for needing support alongside your therapy. Put it all down on paper and have it with you when you speak to them. It will help you to be clear when you are feeling a bit nervous.

Both being unwell and putting on weight are blows to your self-esteem and you need someone bolstering this for you until you are well enough to do so yourself - which you will be in time.