Alcoholism

Annie apologies mis-read the self pity part. I know that you are not.

Annie you are NOT wallowing in self pity. How you have coped this far shows what a strong person you are. My father was an alcoholic as I have mentioned before on GN. As children we would watch him beat our mother, he beat my older sister so severely on one occasion that her hair fell out. He beat me up on one occasion when I was 11 and I had to have weeks off school I was so badly cut and bruised. We used to have kids knocking on our door saying 'your dad is lying in the gutter outside covered in blood' as he had been in a drunken brawl. He would sometimes go months without a drink when life was a bit better but he always went back to it. He came from a large, respectable family, he was the only one who drank. I got out as soon as I could, but it must be so more heartbreaking when it is your child. I hope posting it here has helped in some way and I hope you find a solution for your daughter

Oh Annie I read your post with tears in my eyes.

My DH was in your position as he watched me spiral into self destruction. All I can say is that there is a way back from the brink but unfortunately only your daughter can take the first step into recovery.

Pm me if you want to, I'm not at home though for a while and only have sporadic internet access but I will check as often as I can.

I hope you have an Alanon nearby, at the time I needed one my nearest was hours away, there were so few branches. I would have loved to have someone to talk to. Don't go down the route of blaming yourself, either. I have heard of families locking their children in summerhouses and sheds in an effort to keep them safe and try to dry them out, I can only sympathise with them. My own BiL ended up in The Priory for almost a year. He was wealthy and could afford it, he loved it so much he didn't want to come out. My poor sister meanwhile was run ragged trying to sort out the mess he had left behind. Needless to say, they are no longer together, particularly once she found out about the £500 a night female companions and three girlfriends...

I listened to a lecture once given by several alcoholics. One young woman was very much like your daughter. She said that what she had hated most was when people said that they wanted her/her life to return to how it used to be, but that was what she had hated. She had always felt she had to be a high-flyer, and she could no longer cope and didn't want to disappoint anyone. Once they stopped saying that, she felt the pressure was off and she could relax and just 'be'. No more trying to be the best, no more trying to produce wonderchildren.

Anniebach, my Ex. I know how tiring, exhausting, all-consuming it is, I so feel for you, and for her. Please don't enable her, you will just prolong the agony. You can't help, she needs to decide that she wants to change. My daughter lives near Ex and he has recently started drinking again, it's really tough on her. She's almost at breaking point over it because his partner is talking of throwing him out and she knows she would feel that she would have to take him in.

Annibach (((hugs))) It does seem there are a number of people on here who have had this awful experience and can offer you support.

My youngest daughter is married to an alcoholic. She is 47, he is nearly 57, and although they`ve been together for about 18 years, they only married just over 2 years ago. They have a 17 year old son. She mentioned something about his drinking a few weeks ago, I asked why she`d married him if things were so bad, and she said it wasn`t as bad then. He never appears drunk, but she says he shakes terribly in the mornings till he`s had his first drink of the day. He has seen a counsellor, but won`t go to group meetings like AA, and his doctor has told him, a few months ago now, that if he`s lucky, he`ll live another 10 years at most, because he also suffers from pancreatitis. In all other ways, he`s a great person, but we worry for our daughter.

Anniebach

I'm so sorry to read this Anniebach and can only send hugs and sympathy to you. I think my ex had a drink problem that I didn't really realise at the time and I've known a few other people that were alcoholics, they were highly intelligent, dear, sweet people; I had a gut feeling at that it was their sensitivity that drove them to drink.

Anniebach,so sorry to hear of the terrible time you are having.I have no experience of alcoholism but I have experienced the sense of helplessness when trying to help an adult child.My daughter attempted suicide 9 years ago next week.Thankfully she survived and has since recovered from the severe depression and anxiety attacks which drove her to it.Thoughts are with you and your family and I hope things start to get better for you all soon x

Anniebach I am so so sorry you are having such a worrying, exhausting and frightening time with this. I have no experience of the subject at all- so can only say I am thinking of you.
I really hope you find the right support. Psychiatrists and doctors though will not share patient information- for all sorts of (generally good reasons) even with the closest family, be it about depression, any addiction, or even anorexia/bulimia even in minors.





PS- my initial message was not about an 'intellectual discussion' on different types of alcoholism. But to ascertain what we were talking about here.
The only alcoholics I've known, and not so close to me- have been highly functioning ones- who are very good at hiding it as just being 'social'. Which is no less dangerous- perhaps more in a way, as it is so insidious and kept 'hidden'.

Annie I can offer you no advice but do offer you (((hugs))) and .

Remember to unburden yourself on here if you have no where else!

I feel so very sad for you reading this and send (((hugs))) and . You are so busy supporting others that you have not been able to lean on anyone. Obviously All Anon comes to mind or your doctor may be able to suggest other groups but for you rather than your daughter. Right now I reckon looking after yourself is the most important thing. More (((Hugs))), I so wish it was possible for us to offer you more xx

Anniebach I wish I could help, I've seen a lot of heavy drinkers during my life, but I haven't had to deal with a family member.
Please let it all out on here
Best wishes and (((hugs)))

Anniebach my heart goes out to you. Alcoholism is a terrible thing. I am finding it difficult to say anything that will be of any comfort to you, I so wish I could, you are in a very lonely place at the moment.

I have been there. If ever I can help, listen or anything, just ask.

Anniebach I am so sorry here to help/listen

Anniebach I am so sorry that you are having such a terrible time. I hope the comments and suggestions here are of help to you.

Anniebach I can hear your anger, fear and despair, and no apology needed.

I'm also going to suggest AlAnon, and Alateen may be helpful for your younger grandchildren.

Take care of yourself.

Anniebach what a tough time for you and your family. There's plenty of room on here to unburden if it helps at all. I know it doesn't solve the problems but there are so many of us who understand and want to be supportive, and there'll be Gransnetters with good, practical advice, too.

Annie and hugs.

Aniebach I have been there with an alcoholic husband my 3 childrens father, I could not save him and had to divorce him to save my children from seeing his decline. Sadly he could not be saved.
I can only follow the others who say contact AlAnon for support I can almost hear the despair in your voice.. hang in there I hope your daughter can find the strength from somewhere to get help again..

Annniebach for you and both your daughters x

Aniebach there is nothing I can say other than I am so sorry to hear about your terrible family problems. The only thing I have experience off is like you, the frustration of patient confidentiality with grown up children, in my case a son aged 19 who was depressed to the level of suicidal thoughts, and I felt so helpless. Have you tried contacting any of the organisations who help the families of alcoholics? AlAnon and such may be of help? So sorry for your troubles.

It took courage to ask but am glad now I did. Iam64 you are so right, an intellectual debate doesn't help even if well meant . I am desperate for someone / anyone to understand the despair of not being able to do anything to help or to have met with ' sorry patient confidentiality '. To be told there is nothing you can do, just get on with your own life , when they are speaking of a woman aged 45 but I am speaking of my child

My adored daughter had bouts of anxiety , I advised she spoke to her GP, the advice was - you are a mother of three, a town councillor , school governor, working for several charities , you need to relax , have a glass of wine in the evening it will help you relax, so she did. That was five years ago, one glass became two , this became a bottle then two. This loving wife , mother, daughter walked out in her family three years ago, has attempted suicide four times, has been sexually assaulted, hit, her children now 22, 17 and 14 call her Voldamore. She lies, steals money from me, telephones me begging ' Mum please help me ' she is 5ft 9 inches and weighs just over six stone! her beautiful blue eyes have no laughter , and she is grieving for her father who died when she was seven . Six weeks ago we finally got her into the physcistric hospital - she had jumped in front of a car - I begged them to keep her there, they did for ten days and for four weeks after I could see glimpses of my daughter as she use to be. Last week she was back with the bottle and I am frightened , tired , I am supporting her husband with the children , the eldest is still looking for work a year after gaining his degree and the two girls are studying A levels and G.C.S.E's . And a month ago my younger daughter miscarried twins following a 14th attempt at IVF

I am so sorry for saying all this, I am not wallowing in self pity, I am angry and in despair and so very tired

Yes annie, I have experience of having a loved one who had/had dependency issues. Loving an individual who is dependent on substances, whether it's alcohol or prescription/street drugs is emotionally exhausting.

I don't think it's particularly helpful to enter into an intellectual debate about what needs to be happening before a drink problem can be named 'alcoholism'. If your loved ones drinking is causing you to worry, then it's a problem. best wishes in working your way through this one anniebach