I wonder if there are any professional psychologists out there who can shed some light on my nocturnal horrors.
Some eighteen months ago my 29 year marriage collapsed. We divorced in February this year and now live about half an hour's drive from each other. The marriage, looked at long term, was a committed one on both sides but volatile. Probably best described as one which touched that fine line between intense love and bitter dislike. My approach was to constantly work at it but my ex-husband's behaviour frequently drove me to despair - it closely resembled the typical Asperger's model. He was unable to admit a single misdemeanour, preferring to either deny it or blame some other innocent party.. and if and when those options were rejected, he would walk out. His first wife and family and his parents had been subjected to the same behaviour, so I didnt feel that it was solely down to my response to him.
As soon as he realised that I was serious about ending it, he went on to an internet dating site and took up with almost the first somewhat desperate (I knew her before he did) lonely heart who met his criteria. They have set up home together, roses round the door - the works. I hasten to say that I am not jealous; I feel liberated from all the trauma of living with him but I find his ability to reinvent his life and relationships quite contemptible. i do though find it difficult to move on..I spent so many years pandering to his desires. I bought his clothes; I cut his hair; I drafted his letters because he refused to learn the language of the country we chose to live in; i nursed him and covered for him through countless ailments and injuries; his meals and home comforts were my first priority; afraid he may feel isolated, I organised our busy social life. His friendships, when he made them, would last 12 - 18 months, after which those 'friends' would mysteriously disappear.
My problem now is that six months after we finally separated our lives, I am tormented nightly by dreams of him - unhappy, confrontational dreams. Dreams that feel, in retrospect, full of bitter, carping fury, which wake me up brutally at 3 or 4 am. I don't seem to be able to sleep for one night free of him and the unhappiness he has caused. Clearly after such a long and intense relationship, my subconscious is working out the trauma but I would like to know if it will ever end? I should be carefree now and be able to look forward with hope, shouldnt I? Paradoxically he is happy as the proverbial sandboy - they are seen schmoozing local events, creating their life together, seemingly untouched by the devastation he has left behind him. He was important to my (not his) sons and my grandchildren - now he has cut himself out of their lives.
I do not want to resort to sleeping pills or happy pills - my life is full and eventful and I have many hobbies and friends, but how can I stop these dreams?
