Mental Health Issue

Marmight Such a tricky one.
I'm sure you give them loads of support as it is, without uprooting yourself and moving to an area you don't really fancy.
In principle. I think we should live our lives independently of our adult children, for their sakes as much as our own.
In practice, how can we resist those calls for assistance? I am sitting in a service station halfway down the M6, having dropped everything this morning to drive 300 miles to go and look after poorly grandchildren.
Mine was a simple decision - yours is far more complicated p

Marmight; I understand how you feel. I'm doing a lot of childminding at the moment but it's only for a short time..I can only do it because I can see an end to it. I often feel guilt because I feel our family would be much happier if their father and I were still together [although he was the one that left]. I don't think you should move there; in fact I know you shouldn't. Might I suggest that you go and stay every so often for, say, a week, to give your daughter a bit of help and, perhaps a bit of time to herself [that's what a friend of mine does with her children, one of which is in a similar situation to your daughter. Friends of mine that don't have children don't understand why I help them at the drop of a hat whenever they need it, and quite often I can see what they mean, but sometimes we need to take the middle ground. You're of more help to your family if you don't run yourself into the ground trying to help them. [Can someone please tell me to take my own advice by the way].

How sad and stressful for you Marmight I can only commiserate and say I have been there and done that. You must talk to DD and get her input. She may feel guilty at taking you away from you friends and lifestyle but the support you will be able to give her may outweigh that.Also you may upset SinL and you will have to feel that out with them both with a lot of sensitivity.I do wish you well in a very difficult situation. Don't let it spoil Christmas with your family,the solution may well present itself.

A lot of different issues there for you to worry about Marmight

The only one within your control though is the eternal one that many of us think about that, whether to move closer to be of use and help out. Your DD seems to have more need than most for a helping hand but I don't think you re-locating is wise.

Can you afford to pay for a housekeeper a few times a week, on a continuing basis, to put some order into the chaos?

I would say do not move to be closer! You could make yourself miserable. Especially if you are happy where you are.

Are you sure they need her to have such a taxing job, including working in the evenings? Is there no way they could downsize their lifestyle so that they could manage on his salary and, perhaps, her doing part time work?

Marmight having had a lot of experience with mental illness (including a current situation) my heart goes out to you. (((hugs)))
I do have advice - and it's this:
If you can help for a week or so at a time by travelling down and staying then do, if you can have the children to stay on their own occasionally then do, if you can help monetarily then do (pay for taxis to ferry the children, pay for a cleaner, pay for 'respite' holidays/weekends away, whatever). Send your daughter (and even your son in law) cards, flowers or little gifts from time to time because something as simple as that could make the difference between a bad day and a good one.

Don't, don't, don't over involve yourself because your daughter will need your objective support and if you move closer you will get embroiled in the situation and you will possibly be of less help. I know how hard it is to see your daughter struggling (believe me, I really do), but that is most likely going to be the way of it throughout her marriage and your calm, supportive help from a distance is going to be a lifeline I expect. If you were to move closer then I suspect you would add guilt to your daughter's burden, and you would have assuaged one worry only for it to be replaced by others.

When there is a mental illness in the family the effects can be enormously far reaching. Keep reminding yourself that your son in law is ill with a very debilitating condition that he can't help. I know that's stating the obvious, but sometimes it can be exceedingly frustrating to watch the effects and not give in to thinking he could help himself. Your daughter will probably just need someone to vent to from time to time.

My final point is probably the most important and it's this. You can't fix it, but you could make yourself ill and exhaust yourself by trying. Take care of yourself and you'll have the emotional and physical resources to be there for all of your children and grandchildren.

I do not think you should move either - you have had so much to contend with in your life recently that the comfort of familiar surroundings, activities and friends is important for you.

I do think that the suggestion that you should compromise by offering a regular week there so that they know there is some respite on its way is a good one - although it does sound as though staying there will be a challenge!

I am sorry that your SIL has these health issues - it must be hard for everyone. But please do bear in mind that if you make yourself unhappy and stressed by moving somewhere you do not want to be and away from your familiar friends and routines you will to be able to help them.

Compromise would seem to be the way to go.

"Not be able" not "to be able" - sorry. I am sure you get the gist.

Just another thought - my DDs have all had their challenging periods in their family lives and I have felt frustrated that I could not help as much as I might have wished. But they have come through and I think they are now stronger for facing these challenges and finding their ways through by themselves. I was of course there on the end of a phone and did bits of babysitting etc. but basically they met the challenges in their own ways - just as we did.

So please do not feel that you have to turn your life upside down - be there in the background by all means, and do all you can, but do not risk your own well-being - that is important too.

I endorse everything that GA has said. I was going to suggest that it would be better for your DD if she had pre-and after-school child-minding help. It's what my very over-committed DS2 and his partner do and have found it very satisfactory. Would you be able to help with finance for such an arrangement?

marmight, lots of virtual hugs to you.

Who was it that said "life is a series of obstacles..."? We must make the most of the snatches or periods of happiness and spread that to people who are struggling, for whatever reason, where we can. As so eloquently put into practical suggestions by ga and others.

Marmight. I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with this

I too drop everything if either my two DDs need me, especially concerning my DGDs. But, sometimes you have to stand back a bit and weigh up the situation and do what suits everyone concerned and that includes you.

Firstly, is it,possible for your SiL to change GP to one that he feels more supportive. Also, taking anti depressants can take a while to work as it can be a hit and miss until the right one and dosage is found to work. Your SiL certainly should not be self medicating with anti depressants, doing this could potentially exacerbate his condition.

As this whole situation hinges on your SiL's health, with the proper medication and any ongoing treatment, there is every chance your DD and SiL will get through this.

Uprooting yourself is an awfully big step Marmight. Unhappy where you are living and being part of your DD's very busy lifestyle would be exhausting and a potentially miserable existence and as you say, they could up sticks and move at some point, where does that leave you?

You have to be realistic. Help when you feel able to. SiL's parents are supportive so between you offer help and support but don't feel you have to take such a heavy load on your shoulders.

Am I missing something? Was there something on another thread? It sounds as if you are all sure this is a permanent situation but he is seeing the psychiatrist this week and who knows what the outcome might be. I don't think one appointment is going to do much good though.

It appears to me that he has had this illness for a long time but not had proper investigations about the cause and therefore may not be getting the right treatment. If he does not get the right help from the psychiatrist Marmight are you in a position to pay for him to go privately? As they both have high powered jobs do they not have PMI? I think getting him properly treated should come before anything else. Only after that should you even think about moving imo.

Maybe if you have a good relationship with his parents you could talk to them and work out what is best to do to help between you? Obviously in consultation with the people concerned.

Like Nonnie I think it's crucial he gets proper diagnosis and follow-up. Has DD tried contacting MIND, they are very helpful for supporting the family too.
Like others I'm not convinced moving is the answer Marmight, though utterly appreciate the desire to help as much as possible- regular visits every few weeks sounds a good idea so DD knows in advance. It's a very difficult situation for you all and I do hope you can achieve some kind of equilibrium soon.

Marmight - I agree with those who emphasise following up on the psychiatric care of SIL.
Even if he has a lifelong condition there's ongoing research which keeps coming up with new medications etc. There's no need to write him off as a father for the grandchildren (not blaming you for this, Marmight.)
We have bipolar in our family, and the 2 diagnosed with it are leading fairly normal lives now (at last.)
Similar, but with a physical problem, one of our sons, who lives in India, had a serious accident in July. I was desperate to go out there and "help" (they have 4 young children) but after much thought, sent them the money instead. Which they were very grateful for, and used it to hire someone to do the driving.
TG he's nearly back to normal now (I say nearly because he's also emotionally fragile.)
So just go and stay for a short time, and look after yourself.

Marmight what an awful dilemma.

Lots of good advice up there so I would only add that you have no idea what the future holds in terms of your other daughters either. We have a solid, happy family too which has seemed to partially unravel periodically and I feel the saving grace is that DH and I are in the home we all love and it is a 'safe haven' for the children whether for an hour or for a few months.

Although I get stressed about having DD3 here with her two children, it must be so much more stressful for you being a distance away but, equally, as you are in your own home most of the time you have a chance to recover.

You know you can offload on GN any time you need to.

Marmight - sending you loads of support over the internet from myself and everyone else, please keep posting.

I hope you are taking care of yourself in order to deal with all of this - so here are a few additional comforts that may help you through the day:- - whatever works for you.

It would be helpful to know the kind of mental health issue that is involved. Depressive episodes? Manic episodes? Psychotic episodes? Freaking out as a result of extreme stress/PTSD (I have had some experience of this last one). I am not knowledgeable about all of this.

For us to give advice about what to do, it would be helpful to know a little more about what you are dealing with (no need to be specific).

Marmight - sending you loads of support over the internet from myself and everyone else, please keep posting.

I hope you are taking care of yourself in order to deal with all of this - so here are a few additional comforts that may help you through the day:- - whatever works for you.

It would be helpful to know the kind of mental health issue that is involved. Depressive episodes? Manic episodes? Psychotic episodes? Freaking out as a result of extreme stress/PTSD (I have had some experience of this last one). I am not knowledgeable about all of this.

For us to give advice about what to do, it would be helpful to know a little more about what you are dealing with (no need to be specific).

With lots of virtual hugs. X

If you have no knowledge of the various mental health issues that you list onmyown why would it be helpful for you to know which one is involved?

As I understand the OP Marmight is not seeking advice on how to handle the MH situation - that's for professionals.

Riverwalk - fair comment. I thought about this after I had posted my message. But skipping through the responses to Marmight, I feel there is a general tendency to give advice. Perhaps I am wrong.

Sorry Marmight. As you say, "better off the chest"!

What a tough time for everyone involved Marmight. Mental health issues are often spoken of as 'rare', when we all know from personal experience, that isn't so.

The experience your sil had with his GP isn't unusual either. I support the suggestions made by others about looking after yourself, not moving to live close to them but offering practical/financial help so far as you are able. Mental health problems affect the whole family I do feel for you, and especially for your daughter. Would he find it helpful if she went with him to the appointment?

Marmight
I understand your reluctance to move south, the upheaval will be enormous, and you could make yourself unhappy by relocating. I think the advice to help, as you are doing now, and with financial help if possible is excellent.
Hope it helps to get it off your chest.