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Re-active depression

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Nettadawn Thu 04-Dec-14 12:52:22

I know I am going through a bout of re-active depression and that it will pass. I'm re-acting to circumstances beyond my control My brother is dying of cancer, he was diagnosed 4 years ago and after having a lung removed he has now been told that he has several tumours on his spine. He says this will be his last Christmas, he's so tired, can't sleep because of pain but won't take increased doses of morphine as he wants to stay lucid. His heart is breaking and you can feel his pain when he talks of his little 18 month old grandson and our ageing father. We are all helpless apart from support in whatever area we can, which is very little.

My husband and myself are away for Christmas and hoping that my brother will still be here when we get back from our break. We only heard the latest news after we had booked our holiday. Three years ago we went on holiday and and after we had booked our holiday and fully paid for it we found out that my youngest brother had committed suicide by hanging himself. We waited to see if his body would be released for burial before we went on holiday. We had the holiday booked and a cruise - we were getting married in Las Vegas followed by a cruise around Hawaii. Discussions with the family followed and we were advised to go ahead as my little brother would not have wanted anything different. I call him my little brother because he was 16 years younger than me. He was married with grown up children and had got to the state after an argument with his family, following a a long overseas driving journey with lots of difficulties for his business, he felt no one cared and nobody bothered when he didn't turn up for one of his son's birthday party. It was just a close family party for just his family and their partners, someone eventually went to look for him and found family photo's scattered over the floor and my brother hanging in the stables.

Anyway he was eventually cremated on the day we were married in Las Vegas.

All sorts of things have come together to make me feel depressed, from health worries to a married relationship that seems to get more uncomfortable by the day. My husband is a controlling person and it can be quite difficult to live with especially when I 'rebel' and am rewarded to verbal abuse. Feeling insecure about many aspects of life even down to where do I live when/if my partner dies before I do. He has children by two previous marriages and two grandchildren. I have known him for 7 years and been married for 3 years.

It's knowing what to do about what I perceive as problems and that at the moment I cannot do anything about - because I don't know what to do or because I am frozen into inaction because of my state of mind.

I just couldn't face another day without letting all these thoughts come out. Tomorrow I go to see my little grandson's nativity play, he three and attends a school for the deaf, his parents are deaf, my daughter through meningitis. He has a voice but lives in a signing environment so has not learnt to use what voice he has, but when he visits us we try really hard to sign and talk..................this is the point where I say to myself - I cannot do anything about life's circumstances, just get on with life and do what you can, I am no use to anyone being depressed so pick yourself off and get on with it.

This depression will go - it has always done before.

Thank you Gransnet for offering this very valuable sharing space.

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Mishap Thu 04-Dec-14 13:20:13

Depression is so hard to deal with and you have so many reasons to feel low. You will find lots of support on here; but it may be that this is not enough and you need to chat to your GP about it. Best to take all the hlpe that is available.

I am sorry that there are and have been so many difficult things in your life.

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Mishap Thu 04-Dec-14 13:20:40

...or even "help."

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Brendawymms Thu 04-Dec-14 13:41:44

One of the most important aspect for the treatment of reactive depression is talking about it so well done.
For important people in anyone's life is somewhere to remember them, and it's rarely where they were buried or cremated. Find somewhere that you feel safe, it seems missing in some aspects of your life, it can be a physical place or one in your mind with good memories. Talk out your worries there but also see your GP about talking therapy.
You may need to think about the future of your relationship with your husband but you need to get mentally strong so sort the depression first.

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gillybob Thu 04-Dec-14 14:10:57

The title of your post drew my attention straight away Nettadawn. There is a massive difference between depression for no apparent reason (sorry, probably wrong choice of words) and re-active depression brought on in reaction to circumstances. Reading your very sad post I can see how you must be very down. Given all that has gone on and is going on I can't see how you could be anything other than depressed. I used to think that everyone go the fair share of good and bad in their life but I no longer think this is so. It seems that some people have more than their share whilst others flow through life unscathed (or appear to anyway).

I agree that on the whole you can do very little to change most things. Your DGS being deaf (poor little lamb) is something you can't change but you can continue to love him, support him, and encourage his little voice. So the negative becomes a positive !

It is terribly sad to think about your DB being so ill, but you going or not going on holiday will not change this at all.
I don't get much time to myself as I have a lot of family responsibilities and I used to think that things deliberately "kicked off" whenever I was looking forward to something. Recently I have tried to turn this on its head and think how lucky I am to have such a close family who I love dearly and would I swap this for a holiday in the Caribbean? Of course not.

I do hope you find the inner strength to get through these sad times. I'm sure that eventually things will get better for you.

Best wishes and flowers to you.

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TriciaF Thu 04-Dec-14 17:46:25

Good for you, Nettadawn, that you've written about it. Some people seem to get more of their share of troubles.
I call this kind of depression natural sadness. We've had it in our family too, but as you say, it passes.

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Kiora Thu 04-Dec-14 18:32:20

Nettadawn is it any wonder you have a reactive depression, I'd think it odd if you didn't react at all and just sauntered along happily under such tragic awful circumstances. Your right ' this too will pass' but at the moment it's hard to get any comfort from that. It's hard to just pick yourself up so don't feel bad about that. Somtimes you have to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to recover. Last year my dad died and a few months later I was told a beloved member of my family was near the end of his life. I too fell into the dark black pit. No matter what I just could not 'pickmyself up' although I continually told myself that I must. It's only now a year later can I look back and see very clearly that I was indeed really ill. I had a good g.p who gently saw me through the worst and I did get lots of support from gransnet. I hope you too can get the support you need to see you through this very distressing time. My thoughts are with you flowers

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