Advice needed for those who have had sons

I agree about the hormones kicking in. How does he stand with his peer group at school and does he have a social life outside school? Could he be suffering from low self-esteem? I don't feel as if I can be a lot of help really, as I have a son but he was away at school most of the time he was in his teens. However, my daughter, who had a good circle of friends at school, never felt she was good enough at anything (she was good at most things) and it tended to make her hard to live with for a while, until she grew out of it. I feel for you and hope you find a solution to your problem. Has anyone talked to his teachers?

Thank you for all your ideas.

They are not poor in fact and he has the same "things" as his peers in the main. He gets lots of time with his Dad as they both share a sports interest and have even been on a trip abroad with just the two of them to pursue this.

These problems have been going on for some years now - since he was about 6 I would say. There is no obvious problem at school - he has just started secondary school and things have been slightly worse since then, but it has gone on through primary school. He says he likes his school and he is doing reasonably well - he has had the chance to take up new sports and he likes this.

Their home circumstances and housing market problems mean that things are a bit cramped at home for the size of family and it is difficult for him to have any private or quiet time; and for everyone else to get away from his outbursts.

They have tried lots of strategies to deal with the problem - isolating him till he calms down (although that is not easy in their home), trying to reason with him, withdrawal of privileges (which precipitates more outbursts).

I am as worried about his siblings as I am about him. And also concerned that I am being asked to help, but am treading on eggshells as I feel I cannot say anything that might imply a criticism of parenting. I too am in a bind here, and am not at my best currently. But I cannot turn away and do nothing. I love them all and want the best for them.

Jane - I suppose that I saw it as a boy thing as we had nothing remotely like this from our DDs, and certainly not physical aggression.

Seems like his hormones are already beginning to kick in. First things first though - the physical aggression needs to be nipped in the bud smartish. Feeling sad and being unable to express it can lead to angry outbursts, and his physical aggression will only make him feel worse afterwards. Poor lad sounds confused, but I think it might be a good idea to handle this in the family for a while and see how it goes. He needs lots of reassurances and chat, whilst holding firm boundaries around his outbursts.

One on one time can be helpful too.
I had several children, and from time to time, my husband and I, either seperately or together, would spend time with just the one child.
It was quite amazing what could come out of that.
When there is no other sibling around, they naturally tended to open up more. Particularly if something was troubling them.
Even if there wasnt, it was nice to hear all about their friend, or what they were up to at school, or what they were realising they liked etc.
I found taking them out shopping, just the one child, or say, playing a sport outside, just them, eg mini tennis or basketball, gave them a chance to open up more.
Obviously this worked just as well with boys as girls.

Not sure why you think it's a boy thing Mishap - what you have described could equally well apply to a girl, I think.
How do your DD and her husband handle his behaviour? Verbal and physical aggression aren't acceptable from any age - I don't have any suggestions I'm afraid, but the lad has to be made aware somehow of the effect it's having on the rest of you.
You say he comes across as deeply sad - depression isn't unknown in children and adolescents, and if he's depressed, he needs help from the best source you have locally. It must be quite frightening for his younger siblings.

I can suggest a few things. It is difficult to know which would be best from just a post on the internet.
[speaking from my experience of my own boys, and limited knowledge of a number of boys that have been fostered].

Going down the professional route may be the best way to go.
If not CAHMS in the first instance, then a talk through with the GP.

Lots of talk with no recriminations. Even lots of hugs if he would accept them.

I dont like to say this, but is there any possibility of abuse at all? Sexual or otherwise? Even from many years back?
It doesnt sound like it might have happened at school. But at home, activities, etc?

Soem children who are very sad, like to get out some of their anger by using a punch bag. Or having it suggested to them that people get angry sometimes, even adults, and punching a pillow can be a good idea.

I dont know how long ago his anger started and how long ago someone spoke to school. But always worth asking at school again, just in case someone has noticed something that wasnt spotted before.

His want for material things may suggest that he has low self esteem.
It is worth thinking back as to whether he has always been a bit like this, or whether it has been gradual, or whether it happened suddenly.

I agree about the hormones kicking in part. If this is left longer, it is only likely to get worse.

Does he have plenty of inter-action with his dad? Do they do things together. Share interests. At that age a boy's dad need to be his best mate.

"Things" are very important to twelve year old boys. Are they poor? Could they afford to give him similar things to his mates? He could be feeling left behind.

I wouldn't rush to get outside help. It's a funny age. They should be able to handle it. Perhaps you could be reassuring to them?

Sorry - the title should say FROM those who have sons - don't know how to get this changed.