Diagnosis.

Ruby just do what you think is the best compromise and what you can live with afterwards.

No-one seems to have said anything?

Hi again. I need to know I am not going mad over all this.

My dad has been told today (took by a care worker, not myself, at his request) that his is to have palliative radiotherapy. So there is no cure, just to hold the symptoms in check but he was told that the cancer can go to one of his other organs.

So, as I see it, he will have a treatment that will not cure him, that will make him sick, for the short term of a few weeks will impede on his quality of life, and after that he will still be poorly with it and still be suffering from his dementia, which will probably be slightly worse by then too. In my eyes, is this worth it or should he not have just had palliative care and enjoyed what time he has left and doing the things he enjoys even if it means for a shorter time?

On another level, he is now allowed to claim DLA or PIP for terminal illness. I have no idea if this is being done, nor if the social services are claiming attendance allowance on his behalf? His best interests in my eyes are not being met, both financially and medically. But he doesn't want me involved now and wants to take control back for himself. How can he, when he has less faculties with which to make such important decisions? It's crazy.

I might have been jumping the gun but I was looking into nursing homes, where there is one right near me where I could have visited him regularly and be there quickly if needed. But I can't even sort that out for him now. So I have no idea where they will put him if he needs it.

I asked him, due to my health, to pay for taxis to and from the hospital to save two hours waiting time and travelling time. I think that is what tipped him into thinking that I was taking his money. I wasn't, but he even now refuses to answer the phone to me. But last week and today he has paid staff to accompany him to the hospital with him. My head is messed with it all, it's madness.

He has the solicitor going to see him tomorrow, I have no idea for what. I do think she is to assess if he has mental capacity to make any decisions for himself but she is no doctor?

My easy option is to hand all LPA to the solicitor who was made second LPA for a case such as this. I am not LPA to his health so that would be left to the social services. Then I could get on with my own health concerns and just visit him if he lets me in time.

But I don't want him to be taken advantage of. I don't want him to have a bad death. Or is it time I learned to back off from people when they don't want me to be involved with them anymore. I have always been a carer, always wanted to do the right thing by people, but it really has got me nowhere. Why couldn't he have just spoke to me about what he thought I was doing wrong? I thought we had got close and this has again torn me apart as I was trusting him at last (he wasn't trustworthy as a dad when I was younger) but I have been proved wrong again.

I am now going to lose him knowing that he is mad at me for something but won't talk to me about it and I can't seem to do a thing about it.

How kind of your consultant - kinda restores one's faith doesn't it?

Please enjoy Cristmas with your family.

That's lovely, harri. Do as you're told now!

I've come late to this thread. Just to say that Admiral nurses are not solely available through the British Legion, some Health Authorities have them too. I have one through my Health Authority, and he is brilliant. I use him to talk to, but he will advocate to DWP, LAs etc, help fill out forms etc. He has even offers to accompany me looking round possible nursing homes for my DH. He tailors the help he gives to what you want or need. Such a support.

harrigran That's very good of the consultant. When my DH was diagnosed the consultant said he would have to have 37 consecutive days of radiotherapy. We told him that we had a holiday booked and he said the same 'go and enjoy your holiday' we will start the treatment afterwards. So we did. I hope you have the positive outcome that we did and I'm sure you will

harrigran how nice to be cared for by somebody who cares. That was a lovely gesture.

ruby for you also

A wonderfully kind gesture harri you've a very human consultant. Have a wonderful family time. My best wishes to you and to ruby. Two neighbours are being changed by dementia, it can be an overwhelming illness. Sending you both .

My consultant rang me on my mobile this afternoon and told me to not worry for a few days and go off and enjoy my Christmas. I was gobsmacked to receive the call. I thought it was a nice gesture.

My best wishes to anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis, I can empathise with it all. Mine was just before Christmas and this year I am fine (until the run my tests in January again), I just live for today and try not to think about tomorrow. I am happy to talk to anyone by pm if they want to have a chat or rage at this horrible disease.

Fingers crossed for when you see the surgeon. I'm not religious but I often think there's somthing in the power of positive thoughts. So here are mine coming in your direction.

Thanks everybody, I am jogging along. Have an appointment to see a surgeon after Christmas so I get to spend the day with the family which is as good as it gets.

Best wishes to you too harrigran thinking of you.

How are you doing harri? I do so hope that you are able to enjoy Christmas and have some fun with your family.

Sending best wishes to you rubylady, take care of yourself and remember it is your Dad's illness talking.

I have just come across this thread ruby {{{hugs}}}

harri I am so sorry I have just seen your devastating news {{{hugs}}} thinking of you xxxx

Rubylady and Harrigran - I feel for you both and send you hugs and

I'd suggest you act jointly with the solicitor on this Ruby that way you will firstly cover your own back and secondly have the suppport of another person, and one legs.ly qualified at that.

It is such a difficult illness and all its manifestations are so hard for the relatives. Take the solicitor's advice about the LPA.

Rubylady we have been through similar situations. Your dad probably does not have the capacity to make decisions, to use official terminology. It takes a while to establish this with all the agencies concerned.
I found my admiral nurse invaluable help, she stepped in for me, she supports you as the carer.
Your dad needs to have been in the forces, even national service counts, if he has do take advantage of this service. It's provided by the British Legion. The Alzheimer's Society can refer you, they have knowledge of everything available to you.
Take care and keep asking for support.

Rubylady Accusing relative etc is not unusual in people with dementia. I would suggest handing over to the solicitor if you can.

Oh Rubylady. That's so sad for you. But you know your beloved dad is no longer his real self. We would all be hurt but try not to let it get you down. Others on here will probably be able to give some first hand experiences and be able to give you practical advice. But for what's it's worth, I'm thinking of you and begging you not to let this affect your own health. Glad you posted now and didn't leave it.

A bit of a turn of events. My dad has accused me of stealing his money. I have backed off for now as my health can't take it all at the moment. I know that he is suffering and scared but I have done no wrong to him, the very opposite. I have spent a full week in bed recovering over being with him last Monday. My blood pressure is sky high, medication changed to try to get it down, water tablets took onboard as feet keep swelling badly.

I know I am not in the same position as he is, but I don't want to put myself in hospital neither. God, this is hard work. Three days off Christmas and he is making me feel like a huge failure and a theif even though I have not took a penny. I have to put a smile in it as it's my DS's last Christmas at home too before leaving for university and I was looking forward to having some fun with him.

My dad apparently has phoned the solicitor back and is requesting taking control back of his own finances. Can he revoke the LPA? I am thinking of handing it over to the solicitor who is the second LPA as I don't want to be accused of stealing from him when it is certainly not true.

I was going to leave posting this until after Christmas but I feel wretched after doing all I could for him and could do with some support from my friends on here if it's ok?

I'm another late arrival to this thread and am sending hugs, and positive thoughts to rubylady and harrigran