could it be dementia

Sounds like a stubbornly independent lady that I know who doesn't like to be told 'anything'. She also is nice to anyone that comes to the house and then complains about every single one of them, your Mum sounds as though she is all there when it comes to getting around and managing 'stuff'. Is it possible for you to alert her GP of her intentions regarding the oxygen/bird advice?

It must be very frustrating and you have my sympathy.

It sounds like she is in denial of her condition. My mother had COPD, and eventually was on oxygen 16 hours a day. She hated being tied to the house. The oxygen tube let her move around her home but it was very limiting. I can fully understand her reluctance. The same with the bird. Getting rid of it, to her, will appear to be giving into the disease. You have my sympathy, as living with COPD is horrible.

It doesnt sound like dementia to me though I am not an expert.

The older I get, the more I tend to ignore the moans.hey are making their own choices with theilives[their perogative].

My advice to you is definitely do not feel bad - she is doing the choosing.

I do not think this is likely to be dementia. Just an elderly lady who is having her life severely restricted by ill health and frailty and knowing it can only get worse. She is determined not to be dependent and asserts her own will on every possible occasion even if the results of her decisions can only make things worse.

I have a nasty suspicion that I would/will act in a similar way in her situation.

It doesn't sound like dementia to me. I've known several sufferers of this disease.

I reckon she is determined to do things her own way but isn't just up to telling the doctor this..... and so everyone else hears it all.
And of course, sometimes older folks feel they have earned the right to say exactly what they feel like saying regardless of the feelings of others who wish to help.

Ethelbags1 please don't feel bad, It is certainly draining to listen to someone go on and on in a negative manner, my mother was like this for most of my lift. In latter years after dementia started she became such a gentle soul and so pleasant.

Definitely I wouldn't be looking towards dementia, more a lady who likes her own way and is determined to get it.

Be kind to yourself.

Difficult times for you ethelbags.
My dad was difficult to help, my mum didn't even try and used to say to me that I would never get the better of him (not that I wanted to). He died alone in hospital, but that's another story. Best wishes.

I have just been to visit and she has asked me to check her computer and as I was typing I she complained that I was clicking the mouse too much ? Little things like that that would never have bothered her now set her against me.
I retreat into my world more and more, I read and draw and just live in a fantasy world. I have been tied to her all my life and I don't know how I would cope alone as she controls my life. My little DGD keeps me sane and of course my DD too.

ethel, it is really difficult to support elderly relatives who need our support but do not want it and fight and argue or even just ignore all you do. I do appreciate how hard it can be because I have had to deal with an uncooperative relation.

The only suggestion I can make is to say that what they are doing has everything to do with themselves and their hatred of the predicament they are in and nothing to do with you, however much they attack you verbally. You are not failing, even when you have to grit your teeth and bite your tongue because you want to tell them just how difficult you are finding dealing with them.

All we can do is offer a metaphorical shoulder to cry on and a willing ear to share your problems. I hope we are succeeding.

Ethelbags. Sounds like you need a break away. Perhaps you could ask your GP if social services could help you out with some respite care. (I know she might kick off but they are used to that)
You could go away or just have some 'me time'at home,
This might help to recharge your batteries and your mum might realise how much you do for her (or maybe not)
DH is an only child and has a very difficult mother. We have only just managed to get her to have meals on wheels.
She will not have any carers in her home or any other help, even though she is 91 , so all her needs are down to us.
She is a very negative person and also can very demanding ,even downright nasty especially to my DH

I can completely understand Ethelbags how demoralising your situation is and like you my DH looks to his DGS for love and fun.

Cherrytree - Respite care is hard enough to get for people convalescing after a serious OP, let alone for someone who might just benefit from a bit of R and R.

Yes I know mumofmadoys but ethels mum does have a condition and if ethallbags is struggling then its worth asking.
My late father had a condition and I had respite on occasions when I found I was struggling.
It was my fathers Dr who I had reqested a home visit from, that asked me how I was coping and suggested some respite for my father
I was able to recharge my batteries and carry on caring for him.

You said some very sad things ethelbags. How often do you visit your Mum?
I have two friends who visit my Mum in the care home this really helps and I try and go every other day. When I went last she said to me, "what are you doing here". I try to see the funny side. Also she responds more to them, when I'm there she often just closes her eyes.
I'm kept sane by a most wonderful GD, thank goodness for her, the best thing in my life. And you draw, that's amazing.

Just re read your OP. When my parents were still at home (going back 2/3 years now) and often in a pickle I stopped trying to organise for them all the time and just responded to serious events. Someone saw them every day but it wasn't always me.
People were keen to ask me if I'd done this that or the other, there's always more you can do or something that you miss, I stopped following up on everything.
It takes over your life, I said to myself, enough and as I say , took a big, big step back.
Mum used to say to me, "we're alright you know" , I just had to believe it.

Many thanks for the positive feedback, I have not been on for a week or so as Ive been at work, looking after DGD and my mother. I see her every day as I live 2 doors away, if I don't see her I feel guilty. She is missing more and more of her social life and I can see the time coming when she is housebound. She asks me to take her places, that's no probs. but if her friends have offered it would be better for her to see them. she thinks she is saving their petrol.

My friend died 2 weeks ago she kept me sane when I was ill last year so I haven't got her for help but I have some others, one who is also a friend of my mother and knows what she is like and she help to laugh it off. I can still go to work so at least I can pay my bills.

She sounds rather similar to my MIL.
MIL was surprised when the young hospital doctor asked her who the Prime Minister was.
She asked 'how stupid is he, he should have known that himself'.
Refused to let us make a bedroom downstairs (we were always worried in case she fell down the stairs), wouldn't let us tidy up (we did), insisted on ordering the same food each week (we used to have to clear it out when we visited), got up and went downstairs again when the carers had put her to bed (too early!) and refused point-blank to consider a care home when it was clear that she could not manage in her own home.

I know the feeling of tearing your hair out, ethel
Good luck

ps she did know who the Prime Minister was and could have sorted out the whole Government if she had had the opportunity

It is the loss of independence and being reliant on other people that makes elderly people curmudgeonly.

Reminds me of my friends Mum, she had a 2.00pm appointment for a. Beck on her mental health, the doctor turned up 2 .20. When he asked her is she knew the time she snapped - your the one whose 20 minutes late I was here on time

Oh she is 'all there' where her brain is concerned, she is in charge of her money, bills and medical affairs at present, she wont let me tell her to do anything if she doesn't like it , I just thought that her aggression was maybe the beginning of it. Her hearing is not good but she wont wear her aids she says she hates the noise they make as they magnify everything. I think this is because she is so used to being in a silent world but I cant get her to wear them.
She has the tv turned up and her doctor has told her to turn it up as loud as she wants, I suggested a set of headphones but to no avail. Hope im not like this if Im lucky enough to live that long.