Social Anxiety

BlueBelle, I can also relate to what you are saying, I think you get in to the habit of not going out and then refusing or making excuses when the invitations come along, it becomes a vicious circle. I too would like to be that social butterfly that you described.

Ethelbags I can so relate to sitting in the corner hoping no one sees me sort of dispersing into the surroundings I too CANNOT walk into a room of people I don't know

Mine has got worse since I ve been on my own( a long time now) but I feel I ve gone back to the very shy child I was it's like I came out when I was a couple now gone back BUT if you ask anyone that knows me they would say I m an extrovert character because I believe I ve learnt to act well but really inside I am wreck I often refuse gatherings then sit on my own thinking everyone in the world is having a better time than me haha, totally unexplainable, and self inflicted I d SO love to be a social butterfly enjoying parties and gatherings instead of dreading them

I too am anxious about going out and I worry usually needlessly on the rare occasions I do go .
I try to dress quietly in black and shrivel into a corner trying not to bring attention to me. I have to go to a conference for work soon and I'm horrified by the thought of it. I shall just try to be invisible. there is no other way apart form it its a social occasion where you can take someone with you then you have company and its not so bad.

Two things that have helped me: way way back I was working in the Outback and I told a friend I felt self conscious walking across the upstairs landing which was open air and therefore public, could be seen by everyone in the beer garden below. She said "Don't think of yourself, think of them!" And that caught me up short and I learned to change my focus.
Many years later I was invited to a do at the Bulgarian Embassy and was sick with fear. So I pretended (to myself) that I was Linda Thorsen, who used to stride through the Crucible foyer with such panache and I copied her and got through it.
Good luck x

I wish there was a 'like' button on here.

Just goes to show it's never too late to open up and share a problem.
I, too, am surprised at how many of us have suffered with it and are suffering. That is strange comfort and takes some of the isolation away.
I suffered with this badly when young - never as a child - it came with teenage years. It has been a damaging element in my life. In my thirties I took a job where I had to work with the public and that helped a lot, although it didn't go away totally. Parties and meeting new people were a sore trial. I often could not utter a word.
Once when I was feeling particularly sad about it and very alone, I sent a cry for help up into the ether and got a reply it seemed. Think outside yourself about the comfort of others when they are in your company. That was the essence of it. Of course it didn't work straight away but I kept trying and now a few years on I no longer think of myself as shy or socially anxious. There is another post on here about focusing on something outside your own head. Similar tactic I think.
Lets hope that what has worked for us can work all round.
At least if we meet someone at a gathering who looks like a rabbit in the headlights we can put out a hand to them and empathise with how they may be feeling.

Ramblingrose, I totally agree with what you say, I tend to be ok talking to people, I never give a lot away about myself as I never feel interesting enough and never want to come across as a moaner or make people feel miserable. I suppose in one sense what I do know about myself is that I am a people pleaser and just for once I need to please myself for a change. It just goes to show though that this problem is more common than you think. I also don't want to avoid certain social situations, I am happy to say no if I genuinely don't fancy it but a lot of the time I would like to go with the flow. Life is too short to be fretting all the time, you never know what's round the corner, if my head and heart could synchronise then all would be better.

wlny - you can see from all the posts that you are not alone in suffering from this.
I too have suffered from this in the past. At work I sometimes had to attend large round-table meetings and when it was my turn to introduce myself, I was deeply embarrassed and was convinced that everyone was looking at me throughout the meeting thinking how odd I was or how badly I was dressed.
I still suffer to a lesser degree, but I have found that if I go on a "charm offensive" where I appear enthusiastic to be there and to talk to other people, my feelings of anxiety go away as I am no concentrating on them. I also feel more in control, which is important.
I know it is tempting to try and avoid social situations but this won't help you.
Leva's technique sounds good too - let the other people talk! They often love being the centre of attention.

Thank you Bella That's a lovely post. No I didn't post about pink shoes. It must have been katek. The names are too close! I love pink shoes though Awful to tell a child they were destined for hell.

When I was a child my mother used to say whenever you feel shy ask people about themselves: it always works and sometimes, even with non-kindred sprits it can be quite interesting to see how they tick and people just love talking about themselves so go out and enjoy the whole palaver: it's fun!

Welovenewyork.

so sorry social anxiety is a recent visitor to your life and causing you so much trouble. this site may have helpful ideas.

www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder-and-social-phobia.htm

Hope you get some helpful ideas that you can action from this thread. May you feel better soon.

I always dread going to different functions, even if I know everyone.I always accept, then almost regret my decision, but strangely I always enjoy myself.
My Husband always says "you know you will enjoy it", and he is right, but why do I still not want to go. Strange behaviour I think.
This evening, I am off with some old work friends to a musical, and I am really looking forward to it!

I too suffer with social anxiety. Have done for most of my life together with depression. I am finding it has got worse as I get older. I also feel anxious a lot of the time, about things I never used to worry about.
Since I stopped work about a year ago I have tried to join different groups but find it very stressful to walk into a room full of people I don't know.
I don't have close friends and feel very lonely a lot of the time. I have a very loving partner and daughters and granddaughters but have always found it very hard to make friends.
I have taken anti-depressants for a lot of the last 20 years but managed to stop them about a year ago. I feel I may feel better if I go back onto them and I am trying to decide whether to go back and see my doctor.
I don't think people see me as anxious and shy, I hide it well, but inside I am quite unhappy.

Do you remember this from "The King and I"? Truer than perhaps some people thought. It can sometimes be possible to pin the smile in place, take a deep breath and bluff your way through.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGS029Peq7k

KatyK that is awful. You make lots of nice comments on here so hope thst life on the whole is ok. When I see your name I think of pink shoes. Was it you who posted a picture of some lovely ones you'd bought, or was thst Katek or another Kate? If you, hope you're still enjoying them. And do go on, as you just said, not letting earlier things spoil your life too much. Those were bad days with awful attitudes. I remember them well. I was destined for hell, apparently, when I was 7. It worried me for a long time. Terrible thing to say to a child. I'm much more cheerful these days.

inishowen
I can completely sympathise. I, too, have suffered with shyness all my life and find making conversation difficult. I thought maybe as the years went on I would improve but nothing has changed. Sadly two of my friends died last year and another friend is moving to another part of the country so I feel I now must make an effort to join something but it isn't going to be easy. However, I feel I must make the effort.

Maybe you are right regarding the 'together' people oldgoose I had a dreadful upbringing - drunken, violent father. Us children were neglected and I was frightened every day of what would happen at home. After more difficult life events as I got older, that frightened child is now a frightened adult. Therefore I feel that it will not get better, only worse. I try not to let it spoil my life too much, but it's not easy.

I must add that its been incredibly comforting to read that I'm not the only one that has difficulty this way.

I have suffered from social anxiety for years, although my neighbour calls me anti social which hurts.

I feel I can't help it if I feel so inferior that I can't meet people and carry on a conversation - I don't like one on one, dont like people looking at me. The thought of going out for a meal with a couple of people I hate. There are some days when I don't want to even go outside the door.

I think it's getting worse the older I get, the more wrinkly etc I get. I long to be someone who is full of confidence and out there no matter what they look like.

I could never walk into a room of people on my own - all those eyes looking my way and criticising. I am tall and this was always picked up on when I was growing up - no matter who you met, there had to be a remark about my height. So perhaps this is where it has all come from - I regard myself as some sort of freak and hate seeing other people.

I think that the people who seem so 'together' KatyK are probably good at pretending sometimes. I suffer from social anxiety and it gets worse and worse. However there are times when I can't wait to go somewhere I have been invited to - such as family get-togethers and meals with old friends. So these days I try to avoid going anywhere I don't want to go. I've had my fill of going to places I didn't want to go in the past and feel I have now earned the right to be choosy and to please myself. So I politely decline the invites I don't want and go along to the ones that make me feel OK to attend. I have always been outgoing and enjoyed socialising but these days it's all too much effort. My shy younger sister however, goes to everything she is invited to. I wish I could be more like her.

I'm supposed to go to a reunion of my old nursing class of 1966 but I've ducked out of it which makes me cross with myself and dissapointed as I haven't seen these girls for years as we live at opposite ends of the country. Its partly that I can't afford the air fare and hotel etc but mainly that the whole thing makes me feel super anxious. I've learnt that to be happy I should only do the things that appeal to me.
Having said that, I'm much less socially anxious than I used to be and I think its because I don't force myself to go to worrisome things!

I'm glad you did too!

I agree KatyK, sometimes it's hard to talk about how you are feeling. I am so glad I came on here and broached the subject, certainly didn't think there would be such a response.

I am sorry so many people are suffering with this like I do but I have to say it is a comfort to know that it's not just me. Everyone always seems so 'together'.

I've been socially inept all my life. Now I just avoid things I don't want to go to. It's not worth the suffering, the blushing, the stammering, tripping over everything, spilling my drinks. But I am a bit tougher these days and do go to things where there are people who understand me, just occasionally.