my life has become a nightmare.

I use those disposable vinyl gloves as I don't like wearing rubber gloves. They would be perfect if you feel uncomfortable handling the dirty washing and you could also buy her a box of pantyliners which would help keep things fresher.

ethel could you use those disposable plastic or vinyl gloves to pick up dirty washing, straight into a poly bag, then bung it straight into the washing machine.

One of our neighbours got very frail; her son, who didn't live near, arranged help for her - a cleaner, a gardener, someone to help in the house and do the shopping. All privately. However, unbeknown to him she dismissed them all, told them not to come and that she was perfectly capable of looking after herself thank you very much.
But she wasn't, she had another fall and had to go into a home nearer her son.

What I'm trying to say is that elderly people often think they are more capable than they in fact are and will send carers away because they don't want to be thought as feeble.

What a worry for you.
I don't think your DM should take it for granted that you can be always at her beck and call, however caring you are, because I know that you work as well.

MARGRETE I CANNOT bear bodily fluids. If I see a container that has pee in it, even if covered, I will vomit. The thought of washing knickers makes me retch because I know where they've been. I don't want to be like this.

I've got her a key safe and for the last 4 days , however the carers have been cut today as she says she is so much better and I'm just along the street. I'm annoyed as I felt reassured that they were there.She keeps saying there's nothing for them to do. I however have the worry that if she falls then I will have to go in to find her.

Ethelbags I am so sorry for you. I've criticised SS/rehab but in this case it's Mum who is being difficult.

Not everyone can cope well with bodily fluids. what was wrong about washing her knickers? For me, putting everything through our new Bosch washer - old one lasted 20 years but died - is an absolute godsend.

DH uses a pee-pot - a male urinal - in the night. I empty it when I go to the bathroom, but really, there is no smell, none at all.

We were supplied with a commode but couldn't imagine him using it - we managed to get it collected back again. He had the pee-pot from a few years ago now when he had surgery for benign prostatic enlargement - funny how no one suggested that.

Any pharmacy, not just Boots, will make up daily/weekly medication so that it's easier to take and more difficult to forget.

Hope things continue to improve ethel rest up and take it easy for a day or two get your strength and equilibrium back

Must be a huge relief, Ethel
Plus, it means you have time to work on a more 'Ethel-friendly' plan for if your mum is poorly again.
I'm glad she is feeling better, bless her.

I think it's a good idea to encourage her to do as much as possible for herself as long as she can manage it.

Re Gracesgran's post I wonder if she is confused - I was thinking - has your mother seen the GP for a proper assessment of why she fell?
Sorry if you have said so already in another post, I have been busy.

She has now decided that she will see to her own medication says she isnt stupid and tired of being patronised. She is trying hard to get about doing physio etc and calked the doc for advice the other day. I am laeving her to get on with it but still visit and take ghings to eat and to read etc. She wants now to get out to see her friends and grt better. Snore.... im so tired im just glad shes grtting better.

I have just been thinking again Ethel and, although I don't think you should be happy to let your mother be rude to you I wonder if she actually knows what is happening.

I know it is really hurtful but I wonder if she is confused. With mum and the dementia I have learned not to contradict her but to find ways round by agreeing in a way that moves us forward. I also (and I must admit I can feel badly about this) suggest, in the vaguest of ways, that things were her idea as in "I'll just water those plants you wanted me to do" when she hasn't actually asked. Anything really to avoid confrontation. That doesn't stop her having the odd moment when she is less than kind but I have realised she is often confused or frightened. I have said "lets not go there mum" and then tried to say something really positive so she knows I am "on her side".

I hope this helps. It is so difficult and I am afraid carers are not specifically trained for all the different situations.

I do feel for you ethel, and I feel everyone is right about the rudeness. Just be firm as you would with a child. Unfortunately that is what I seems to come to in many ways.

"The care manager said today that if she doesn't want help then she need not have any."

I have heard this sort of thing before. One carer in a care home, reported in an article, said something along the lines of 'it's all very well to complain about your relative still being in wet cloths and hour later but we have to encourage them or we are taking away their right to choose'

That isn't a quote but how I remember it. What tosh! If someone has lost their capacity to understand their own needs sure they need gently persuaded into doing what is needed to keep them safe and healthy.

Keep coming on here to let us know what is happening Ethel. It really helps to unload what are very difficult feelings.

Also, I just wanted to say that I would change the care agency to one whose staff are able to give (or administer: there is a difference!) medication.
That would take a huge strain off you, and that really is what a needs assessment is for. Your mum NEEDS someone to do her meds, to help you.

Excellent advice seeing yourself as a project manager!

Its very difficult all round I think, to watch your parent needing so much care. My mum undoubtedly made the last 5 or so years of her life so, so much harder than it need have been, if only she would have accepted help
Even a hearing aid would have kept her so much more "in the loop" as she was always so interested in how everyone was doing. It was almost impossible to communicate with her at times, it was such hard work to relate a story to her.
They make you so cross, dont they? I was torn between such frustration at her, and amazement and admiration at how much her independence meant. So much that she would rather get stuck on a toilet seat for 19 hours than have a handle fitted to the wall!
You have my every sympathy. The only useful advice I saw was to consider yourself a project manager, rather than the person who has to do everything, with regard to your mums care. Do everything you can to take whatever road is easiest for you to sustain.

Unfortunately becoming a carer for one of your parents changes the whole dynamics of a relationship. The person who was the one who took care of you and was a figure of authority is no longer. It is hard to adjust to becoming the one who now does though things as you are finding out. So sorry for you as the last memories will be of resentment and guilt for feeling like that. Anyone who sails through caring for some one is so lucky. I wish you all the best.

Ethel I'm with you on bodily fluids. I'm what is called a sympathetic retcher. I've coped with the DGCs bottom wiping and pee disasters but I won't do it for an adult. That combined with rudeness would mean a line drawn.

Ethel I've just read all this, (having off-loaded my own much smaller problem above.)
I wish you strength to cope - I don't know how you do it.

Ethel you will be run ragged if you are trying to see to your Mum's needs (even if she has lovely carers, I am pleased about that for your sake!), look after your own home and garden and hers too, work and have time for your DD and DGD.

You will need to be firm, and about the rudeness as mumofmb says.
Perhaps someone can recommend a cleaner - surely she will only need one once a week, she can't make much mess.
There is only so much you can do.

I'm in a similar situation with an elderly relative. Whist in hospital after suffering a TIA she was totally insufferable, rude and non compliant towards the nurses, my husband and me in particular. The consultant assured me that in her experience, this sort of behaviour was not unusual in such circumstances.
That's all very well but it doesn't make it any easier does it?

Please don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do, you're not a robot, you have your needs too.
Do contact Age UK if you haven't already done so. I found them very helpful. The tip about Vick up your nose is a good one. I used copious amounts of disinfectant to mask smells and kept a stash of disposable gloves handy together with a few plastic buckets lined with plastic bags strategically placed about the house. I'm afraid anything that was too soiled was thrown away rather than washed.
As for the rudeness, I eventually snapped and told my relative that I would not put up with it any longer. She had a choice, be polite or she was on her own. Brutal I know but it worked.

I think you need to be firm with your mum re rudeness. if she is rude or orders you around try saying ' Excuse me.Are you talking to me? I will only help you if you are polite'. Say it firmly and quiet. Feel for you.x

Ethel, I can so much relate! I gave up work to look after my mum (along with the 5 minute visits by carers) but it was becoming more and more difficult. I felt that I was not much more than a skivvy at times; wiping up spills that grown women left after preparing a microwave meal, trudging up and down collection prescriptions that hadn't been delivered.
Exactly like your mum, mine was very deaf - the tv would be blaring, and the heating full blast!
Its really wearing, I know, but it seems its very common when people choose to stay at home.

etheltbags, you need to tell your mother what you can, and can't, do.
There is no point continuing to muddle on, while complaining about it. Your mother will ignore the complaints as she sees her needs are being met in any case.

It's understandable that your mother probably feels her life is getting out of control and she wants as few changes as possible. She's had to adjust to a lot of changes already.

But you need to explain to her that you can't keep going on as you are - it's too much for you and will end in you getting ill and your mother having to face how to cope when that happens.

She has a key safe fitted last week and care ladies 3 times a day. I go in to make breakfast. She can make a cuppa and carers leave a sandwich for lunch and make tea on the later visit, they also call at night to get her ready for bed, they are really lovely girls. I wish she would just get someone to do housework, I just cant lug her enormous chairs around and wash floors etc. As I said I'm so useless with bodily excretion. She is reluctant to get anyone in to do housework and she wont apply for any financial help, she wont even try just to see if she is eligible. The care manager said today that if she doesn't want help then she need not have any. She just hopes I can muddle through. To be honest my work is an escape.

Ethel Put a plug of Vic up each nostril, no smell gets past that. Once the smell goes you will cope with bodily fluids much better.