my life has become a nightmare.

It might be helpful to contact your GP and ask him/ her to arrange a nursing needs assessment.Stress how urgent it is and how worried you are. The district nurse will refer on to social services if they think regular carers going in are necessary.
In the meantime they will get an emergency response team in. Good luck.xx

Social Services are obliged to do a needs assessment on your Mum and also a carer's assessment on you. The help that they can offer will be based on these assessments. They usually have a backlog of appointments to do these assessments as they are understaffed. You need to keep getting in touch and insisting that you need them to get on with the assessments - they are obliged to do this in law so cannot wriggle out of it. Anyone who appears to be a "vulnerable adult" is entitled.

I know you will find all this an intrusion - but it has to be done before you can get the help needed. Nursing needs also need to be assessed, via GP as suggested above.

Social workers hate these assessments (and who can blame them?) as they realise they are a bit of a pain - but if you want the care she and you are entitled to then you have to play the game. The assessments are tortuous and repetitive - but it makes sense - how else can they know what is needed?

I can really feel for you but in all honesty they are doing what they can over a holiday period We went through all these assessments with Mum and Dad but they are necessary and they were so kind and helpful... after every assessment mum and dad were given what they needed and more I think your disappointment and tiredness has caused your reaction and to be honest we are so lucky at what we can get to keep the older generation safe. Mum and dad got hi risers, key box, railings put here there and everywhere, toilet seat and bath adjustment, bed sides, commodes, carers, befrienders so much over the months and last year ..... when my dad became ill towards the end we got an all singing all dancing bed, extra commode, double carers, pads delivered by community nurses, I really, really couldn't fault them BUT you do have to get in the system by assessment
Good luck Ethelbags I m sure once things start moving you will feel a lot better about it all

I had the same problems when my husband was ill and I needed help from social services. We got a commode and hospital bed quite quickly from the District Nurses but the social services equipment and wheelchair only came after a hospital admission and a carer only came after a social services assessment at home which we waited several months for. He lived for one week after the (useless) carer started and we never got the rest of the equipment needed. You should book an appointment with her GP and see what he can do to help, otherwise try to get her admitted to hospital.

etheltbags1, all I can do is offer you sympathy, which is heartfelt as I have had a similar experience. SS should have people on duty 24/7 ready to respond to emergencies like this.

I have come to the bitter conclusion that the day someone becomes a social worker they have some kind of electronic widget secretly planted in their brains that removes all their common sense and any sense of humanity.

All one can suggest is to go to her GP, hope she has a good and sympathetic one or take her back to A&E, tell them you cannot cope and leave her there. Then they will do something.

There should surely be an out of hours emergency service to deal with these sort of things, giving immediate assistance I have a friend who is the sole carer for his disabled wife, who has now also been disagnosed with dementia,he has been told he can have a home assessment but before he can have that he and his wife have to attend an interview in the main office which is a 3 hour round trip and which his wife cannot manage. Social services will not budge on this.

I'm afraid that once you take someone home you are deemed to have accepted responsibility for them and SS will regard them as having care arrangements in place. Unless there's another medical emergency your Mum will just be on the list for assessment.

"I have come to the bitter conclusion that the day someone becomes a social worker they have some kind of electronic widget secretly planted in their brains that removes all their common sense and any sense of humanity."

Well - I can't let that pass! I was a social worker for 30 odd years and when I started out in the early 70s we were allowed a great deal of professional freedom to do right by those we were paid to help. Gradually over the years all that was drained away until we virtually became financial gatekeepers with reams of forms to fill in. By the time I left (at the age of 50) the whole set-up was so corrupt that there were days when I could hardly bring myself to get out of my car in the car park to go to the office. I knew that I would be fighting a daily battle with my conscience. There was a landmark and tragic case where I advised SS that it would be unwise to push a particular lady to fill in the forms as she would fall apart, but they told me that if I did not then there would be no help. I did do the assessments, and yes she did fall apart and I had to spend a long time picking up the pieces and dealing with my own guilt.

The social workers now work under such constraints that they have very little freedom of action. Behind every social worker will be a massive bureaucracy of people sitting behind desks and feathering their own nests, while making decisions about people they have never seen, based solely on budgets.

Add in the under-funding of LA services and it all becomes very problematical and unsatisfactory.

BUT - this is the only way to get any help and most social workers really do care what happens to people, but they are working under constraints over which they have no control and under enormous pressure.

I think that ethel should give them the benefit of the doubt and welcome them in to see if they can provide some help.

I left social work - at enormous financial risk to my family - and found other work - in fact I was lucky enough to be able to go professional on my hobby of photography. But it was a gamble and money was tight. My OH had "retired" at 42 due to his ill heath and he was only able to work part time.

"I have come to the bitter conclusion that the day someone becomes a social worker they have some kind of electronic widget secretly planted in their brains that removes all their common sense and any sense of humanity."

That's a hugely sweeping statement Monica.

I don't know what your profession is but I'm sure you'd hate to be judged by the incompetent/bad apples amongst your number.

The incompetence is in the politicians who don't finance the service properly (aren't they just happy to let social workers take the blame?). It is dreadful, but blaming people who are doing their best on a shoestring won't help. I am not talking abut the odd 'bad apple' but social workers like 'luckygirl' who find that they cannot do the job they trained for.

I agree that it is completely awful that people who have paid their dues are being treated like this, and that their relatives are put in ridiculous situations. This will happen until we fund care properly.

But to return to OP: although your mother is entitled to this assessment, in practice local authorities are prioritising to a frightening degree. Keep pushing for an assessment, in the meantime, follow the advice to ask for a nursing assessment, and definitely make sure she gets the medical assessment / care she needs.

I suggest talking to your employer - obviously I don't know what job you do etc. but most employers are sympathetic and helpful - some give a number of 'care days' so you can sort this out. At least ask to tke holiday time in a flexible way. You can of course, simply contact an agency and pay for private personal care - if you / your mother can afford it. And you can buy a key box.

It is not clear from your post whether your mother needs personal or nursing care or (most likely) both, but the community nurse can help you with that.

I do wish you all the best, you are in a very difficult situation - are there any family members or friends who can help, at least with holding a key or calling in to check?

Oh I do feel for you - went through similar with my late mum.
I agree contact her GP as a priority.
Wishing you lots of luck with this.
In defence of SW the ladies who visited my mum couldn't have been more caring, helpful and efficient.

etheltbags my heart goes out to you BUT ... As Luckygirl says 'behind every social worker [is] a massive bureaucracy of people ... making decisions about people they have never seen, based solely on budgets'.

WE KNOW this can't be right, and it's happening all across the spectrum of social services, but until those in control of the public purse give the NHS and local authorities enough money to fund the nation's needs this will continue. (That's a topic for a different thread and not for discussion here.)

For a few months between redundancy and retirement I had a job producing invoices for elderly people receiving social care, and had close contact with the financial assessment team. They were lovely people who had to leave their feelings in the office each day and be very matter-of-fact when dealing with individuals and families who often didn't know which way to turn. We all became very adept at hearing the true situation over the phone, which was usually a lot worse than that on the initial assessment.

My own mother was typical of this - she insisted on the assessment form she could do more than she actually could, and she really needed attendance allowance to pay for a carer. Her application was refused but she died before an appeal was heard. (This was before I worked alongside that department.)

Ask your mother's GP to visit as she is not able to safely go to the surgery. Tell him how it really is. When a SW comes to do their assessment make sure you are there and tell them how it really is so they can complete the form using terms and phrases they will recognise from their 'How to' manual. Most employers allow workers a few days 'compassionate leave' so you shouldn't lose money from your job.

You will have to be more adamant yet polite than you may ever have been before but you need to do it in order to get her and yourself that help

With your own recent ill health and you are working, I hope you are not expected in the long term to take on the physical care of your mother. Tell them you are not available nor able to be her carer and your mother can't be left.

What a dire situation to be in Ethel I don't know anything about accessing services. I do know what it feels like to be juggling all those balls and being pulled in every direction. Its emotionally and physically exhausting. The over riding need to earn a living together with caring is a nightmare. I hope that you can get things sorted and things get easier. In the meantime try to take care of yourself even if it's just off loading here.

But... but... she's your mum.

Ethel I do hope your mother - and you - get the support and help she needs.

I know how hard it can be; as a friend used to say 'you feel like a piece of elastic, pulled in all directions'.

Ethel I am so sorry to read how exhausted you are and how unsupported you feel, I reached exhaustion when my Mum had to come and stay rather than go home after a fall and visit to A&E. It took about 2 weeks to get the support in place and I knew the system as I worked in it. So do keep asking for the assessments and help, it will make a difference once you can get care in place.

In defence of the profession I retired from after a 40 year career, it is easy to blame a group of workers who have no choice but to follow tight targets and guidelines, the whole system is failing and the internal markets where everyone fights to protect their own budget is part of the problem. There are ways the whole system could be improved but so often changes are seen as a negative not properly explained to the public. In the end it is the politician's who are responsible local and national and we should remember that at the ballot box.

ethel Is there any sort of supported housing your mum could move into where there are carers who will go in a few times a day to check on her and make sure she has her medication? Again, go to her GP to sort this out, make a stand, tell them of your problems and hers and see what can be sorted out asap. Doctors can be very helpful in these situations. I feel for you, this time last year I was doing a similar thing so I know how exhausting it all is. Take care of yourself though love, get to the doctors, tell them it's urgent. Let us know how you get on. X

Ethel, your mum needs to see a GP to try to find out the cause of her falls. She may be having small strokes, for instance.

Please take time off work, whether as compassionate leave, holiday, unpaid leave - whatever you can get arranged.

You have a legal right to time off to deal with an emergency involving someone who is dependant on you :

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3235
"All employees have the right to time off during working hours for dependants, this time off is intended to deal with unforeseen matters and emergencies. There is no legal right to be paid; however some employers may offer a contractual right to pay under the terms and conditions of employment."

Sadly, as soon as social services knows there is a caring relative available they seem to put the needy person at the bottom of the queue. I had the same with my mother, and my elderly, disabled sister. You really have to fight to get help. Best of luck!

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. Couple of things - first make notes of everything you do, times of calls, who you spoke to, what they said. Then in any discussions talk about the 'risk ' elements involved -and you will know what they are and also mention that the best options involve no crisis intervention strategies - so things are put in place to stop there being a crisis - not after everything has gone up. In terms of getting others on your side - try your MP - they are there to support their constituents. Good luck and in all of this try and carve out a space for yourself

You can purchase a key cabinet quite easily. We have one

I remember when we were caring for my mum who was in her nineties and had dementia. I was at the end of my tether and we were on another visit to A&E after a fall. A young doctor said it was ok to take my mum home. Another older doctor took one look at me and said 'I think it would be better if we keep her in for a night'. I will never forget his kindness to me and I got some sleep.

A terrible situation. All the assessment take time - been there done that etc. On a purely practical level could you not get a key safe fitted by your front door. Not very expensive and hopefully if you can't use a drill you know someone who can? At least then the house and your mom would be secure which might relieve a little bit of your worry.