my life has become a nightmare.

Oh ethelbags what a terrible time your having. Could you just tell your mum "unless you get a cleaner I'm not coming in any more" it seems harsh but you can only do what you can. She needs to see that she needs to make an effort and not bully and manipulate you. I'm not in your position and not likely to be.so I hope I'm not speaking out of turn. Both my parents are dead and my mother in law is in a residential home and although it's distressing seeing her condition worsening at least we haven't got the all the intimate side of things to deal with? I hope that you can get some advice on how to make your life a little easier from some of the grannetters who have more knowledge than me. In the meantime a (((hug))) simply because I don't know what else to say.

Hi , etheltbags , does your mum have links to the armed forces ? ie.. did she serve in the forces or your dad? if so you could contact the RBL and ask if they can give you some help/advice , xx

I didn't think it would be so hard. She is not making an effort to get better despite being discharged from hospital. I thought it would be ok just popping in with meals and doing the pills, once I'd got over my fear of giving her an overdose. I forgot how I reach at false teeth, the smell of urine, I retched at clearing away get dishes. I just can't help it. If she has an accident I will rush out of the room, in the hospital I screamed when a girl help a sick dish even though she wasn't sick. I just can't cope with bodily stuff. I retch when I do my own teeth. Sooner or later I will need to clean the loo and I can't face it. I keep asking her to get a cleaner but she just says shevwill think about it. How can i cope. I hate the smell of old people.

Lots of good advice here Ethel. I'm in a similar situation with my mum at this moment. Carers were set up a couple of weeks ago and she has pushed them away telling them they're not needed. She has an alarm on a strap around her wrist and the cost is £3 per week. The key box cost £85 and was supplied and fitted by a local hardware store.

Good luck managing your mum, I know it's stressful.

Carers in my area ARE trained to give medication if person being cared for cant, and to do personal care with light housework as long as its assessed and in the care plan.

We paid I think £70 for a key box at my mums door, she had the alarm round her neck and someone would come to help her if she pressed it. I cant remember now how much that cost.

Big hugs from me too. It is such a difficult situation and you need to have a moan and do not feel guilty about it. My mum regularly has me in tears and I find the emotional stuff is very hard to deal with. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that nothing lasts forever, and off loading to my friends (poor things). Have you tried AgeUk for the non personal care? They have a befriending service and my mum has a cleaner organised by them, who will do shopping and washing for 2 hours a week.

Ethel you have my sympathy

My DM was very sweet and amenable but MIL could be quite difficult (and proud of the fact!). However, my DM hated the fact that she was helpless and we had to do things for her and used to get quite upset.

I am like you with sick though - not good at coping with it.

People who tend to be cantankerous do not suddenly become all 'sweetness and light' when they get old and helpless, and I know you have said before that your DM is quite strong-minded.
Stay strong, be kind but firm and don't let her order your around or else you will reach the end of your tether.

(((hugs))) ethel I found it hard to reverse the roles when my mother was very ill and I had to look after her. She didn't like not being in control and having to depend on me coming in before and after work. She didn't need me there all day (she slept most of it and had a phone by her bed) but would play the martyr about wanting something but not being able to get it because I wasn't there.

ethelbags I do feel for you. Mum can be the same and although I realise it's because she feels anxious and out of control of the situation she is in it doesn't make it feel any better. You moan - it helps you stay sane. On Christmas Day my son rang - and I cried. I went to my daughter's (someone else in the family kindly collected mum) and I cried in the kitchen. My brother rang later and, you've guessed it - I cried. I had run out of resources to deal with the situation as we had had an awful couple of weeks prior to Christmas. The next week all was sweetness and light and I picked myself up again.

I am not trying to make this about me - your situation as a main support to your mum means you have to look after yourself too. I never wanted to be a nurse or carer and, like you, I know there are some thing I find hard to deal with but do tell yourself that is OK and let the authorities know if it gets too much. I have a friend who told them they had a week to sort things out as he was going on holiday (he and his mum lived in the same house and he had been a nurse) Dealing with his mum was very different (for both of them) to dealing with 'patients'. I believe he would have done to but they took her in for respite care.

I am afraid because of funds the LA will keep expecting until you say 'no'.

That's OK Ethel I know all about the need to rant,just go ahead. Very best wishes in your present situation.

The carers have settled in a routine of 3 times a day and they are all very nice but my mother is so bossy to me. I'm useless and stupid etc. Ive been going at 7.30 every morning for 2 weeks now and I give her her meds and breakfast as the morning care worker doesn't come until 10.30. Its my mothers attitude to me that is so annoying, shes not happy with anything I do, she orders me about from her chair, I'm usually doing something else at the time, she has the TV on very loud as she is deaf (you musnt say that as she doesn't believe it and wont wear her deaf aids), I cant hear her in the kitchen so she repeats herself until I could clout her. I told her off for this today and she took the sulks and raised her hand saying 'please miss can I speak now'. The sarcasm doesn't help.
I'm so tired of going every morning, I long to lie in just once but her pills must be given early. Also I need to be there to open the door for the carers, I must also be there at night to let them in as they haven't yet given her a key safe. I had lecture today as I washed her knickers with her nightie and didn't tell her-so what as long as they were washed.
I also find it hard to cope with personal stuff, I could vomit if her knickers are a bit smelly, I scream if she shows me her false teeth, If she becomes incontinent I will not be able to cope. In the past when she was ok she was sick and I just walked out. I cant help this.
sorry for moaning but I needed to talk to someone.

Can I just say that my mums care package stated that the carers were to administer meds and do light housework
The reality was very different, as their visits were sometimes 5 mins, rather than the half hour they were scheduled for.
Social services informed me that as long as the carers had done what was needed, a 5 minute visit was perfectly acceptable.

Just an idea about her tablets - do you have a Boots who will make up Medisure boxes for her. They will put the tablets in a packet for morning, noon, night, bedtime and deliver them weekly or four weekly etc. I find this helps. I still have to check them out when they arrive and, as mum's come four weekly I take the additional ones away with me and just leave what is needed for the week (I go several times during the week but carers give mum her tablets) so it is not confusing to the carers. They can only 'make them available' which is a real problem if your relative is suffering any form of mental or dementia related problems. Having the chemist box them up cuts the work you have to do down and that is what you need to find so you can do the other things that are needed.

When you feel up to it you will need to look at any benefits she can apply for as this will help pay for additional help you may not be able to get from the Local Authority. I know there was at least one for mum that I had never heard of. Shout when you are in this position and I am sure there will be some who have been through these things and can help.

I do feel for you. It's as if the aging population came as a surprise to the powers that be but the social worker are working within the same system we are trying to use sadly.

While you are looking after your Mum try giving her cereal for breakfast and washing and dressing her, make sure she has been to the loo, then leave her with sandwiches and a flask of tea for lunch until you can come back in the evening with her cooked meal, which you have made for your family too. Leave the key with a neighbour so that people can get in to her house. Get a 'phone with big letters and numbers and leave your 'phone number near the 'phone in case she needs you in an emergency. Insist that she gets a care package...she has paid in to the system so she should get something out. Be patient with Social Services because they really do try their best.

I am sure that you will celebrate Christmas again ethel.

You must get straight back to SS and tell them that the carers are there for insufficient time and not on time. If they do not know what the situation is, they cannot do anythinng about it. They have to use agencies (3 cheers for privatisation!)and have very little control over what is going on. They need feedback in order to kick arse!

The carers are there to provide personal care - e.g. help with washing, dressing, bathing, feeding. They are not employed to do housework; and the regulations do not allow them to administer medication. Speak to the doc about this and see if the meds can be changed to a less frequent regime (e.g. slow-release tabs are available for some meds) or a district nurse can help.

It is a bit of a maze finding yur way round all f this and you do have my sympathy -I have done all that twice, but lived to tell the tale!

Can't you get compassionate leave from work for a while until you sort things out? Unfortunately you are not the only carer in the queue and Social Services are run off their feet too. I can only wish you well and hope you get things sorted quickly. If not then the only option you have is to find a room in a nursing home for your Mum. A nursing home is not the same as an old folks' home. It has nurses looking after the old person's medical needs. Your Mum would be well looked after there.

My MIL's next door neighbour was brilliant - she had a key and would notice if the curtains were drawn after about 9 am then would pop in to make sure everything was OK. That was before the care package was set up.

I know what it is like to be between elderly parents, teenage children and holding down a full-time job ethel.

You have said before that your DM has a lot of friends - can any of them pop in during the day just to keep her company and make sure she is OK and hasn't fallen?
And - as someone posted on another thread - first put on your own oxygen mask

thank you all for your kind words xxx

My mum fell on 19th Dec but seemed to be ok. She then got worse and pain increased - my sister called out GP on 28th and she was supposed to go for x Ray but collapsed and was admitted. They did assessment on the ward and sent her home next day with a care package for 6 weeks and physio for 3 weeks. In our area there is an early intervention plan in place which was initiated by her admission. Maybe if she falls again call an ambulances don't take her yourself as you put your own health at risk by trying to lift or assist her. Once she's under ambulance care you have more help.

We've had a stressful Christmas too with all of it but can't be helped - it's not uncommon to be a gran yourself and have grandchildren to help care for plus elderly parents needing care. Not an easy time of life and you need to take care of yourself as well.

its not a good sighn when elderly people start falling,....its a sad case too when the eldely become a burden, they wouldnt like to hear that said about them, but its payback time now, we must look after our mums and dads as hard as it is, i never had chance to look after my elderly dad he went off and married a young girl....leaving my mum, years later she divorced him,,but came back after his last bit of money and his house,,,which she bloody got. he was an old man when i finaly found out where he was, he had long white hair,dirty nails, bad feet i last saw him in hospital this young girl never looked after him,,,i was at his bedside for 10 days,,,i washed him shaved him cleaned his nails and cut his hair, he was my dad, he died .i was heartbrocken that i hadnt found him sooner to look after him, but i did look after my elderly mum. i can look back and now say i did my best, my 2 brothers and a sister never ever bothered, i did it all so i can rest with a clear mind,...it will be nice if you can get some help...i wish you well,,,but try to make your mums end of life years happy ones, god bless,

I stand by my comments. Of course their are good social workers, as was said, no profession can be damned totally, but my experience from 10 years working with the elderly plus personal experience has been almost entirely negative.

I understand the pressures financial and bureaucratic that Social workers are under, but I just found they were prepared to waste hours on the phone talking to me, but as to even making a phone call or providing a list of care homes, who might have vacancies, for what every one agreed was the necessary emergency admission of an elderly couple into care, that was beyond them. Although they did agree that 6 emergency GP/paramedic/CPN callouts in two days and a carer who went to do a half hour visit and stayed 4 hours (now she was the heroine) did signal a need for urgent intervention.

Ethelbags, what an awful situation this is for you. Your mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter. Is residential care a possibility at all, as it sounds as if your mother needs such a lot of help with her daily life. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and hope things will get better for you.

GillT57 you criticise our 'fierce independence' but maybe having read the last message from Etheltbags1 you may see that having carers in is not the panacea for all ills that it may seem to be.

'There were so many things they weren't allowed to do' so all those other things have to be done by the person who's nearest.

The final insult was, of course, being expected to pay for it. That SW's comment about our joint account was, I thought, really uncalled-for.

We've just had the District Nurse for her twice-weekly visit. The wound on his leg is healing up slowly but well.