my life has become a nightmare.

update, my mother has been in hospital for overnight and they
gave her an alarm system where she presses apendant if she falls. I was told the carers would come in 3 times a day starting today from 7 oclock. I waited from ten to 7 until 11am then all she did was make a sandwich for my mother at lunchtime. I an totally confused with the tablets she has to take but they told me she cannot give medication, they cannot do housework and are only to supervise my mother doing things herself.I still have to visit 4 times a day to give her the tablets. I'm going to work next week and to be honest I feel that Ive not had a holiday at all. I wont be celebrating xmas aver again, its just a waste of time.
On top of this my mother waited for the carer to help her to get dressed and the carer would not help her, she hates the idea of having anyone to help her and she told the hospital social worker her aim was to get better so she need not have me coming to her house.

Hi l am in a similar situation as my mother has dementia and my father who is 83 has been caring for her full time for last 3 years. She has had 3 falls in last month the last one being yesterday we are a bit further down the line than you as we at least have a adult services review officer assigned to us , that said when l rang yesterday l was told by a very unhelpful girl that my case worker was on holiday until next wednesday and could l ring back then as she would need to arrange a re-assessment. I rang the emergency duty officer who was a lot more supportive and helpful. I would suggest you contact your GP urgently and also look up the details for Adult services in your area there should be an emergency number somewhere. Also you could check to see if you have any Carer's Support teams in your area l found a leaflet at my local library and they started all home care arrangements . They did need to come out but they were very quick and helpful. Hope this helps and hope you get sorted.

BlueBelle? Impressed how you and your family just got on with it and appreciate what's available in U.K.

When my Nan became a faller I brought her to live with me my eldest daughter went into the bedroom with her brother and sister and Nan had the little room It was very very difficult and as the dementia took over I was run ragged ( and I was younger than Ethel) got very little sleep but did get help in the way of bed sides that little tiny Nan managed to throw across the room and roll out of bed so I was up two or three times a night I got a sheet exchange service as she was wet every night the rest was down to me Nan died three years later I don't regret having her but it was really really hard and I was fit and not even middle aged When years later the same happened with Mum I couldn't manage, Mum was much more fiesty much less manageable and I was older and in full time work and also looked after grandkids Me and dad soldiered on for a bit then dad became ill with the stress We did get lots put in place to help and I truely can't fault the SW s how ever it does take a bit of time and in the meantime I took mum to my house pulled a single bed downstairs and put mum in the dining room while dad had a rest got neighbours to sit with mum while I cycled to dad a mile or so away a couple of times a day Life was on hold for a few weeks and I was rung out like a dish cloth but it gradually fell into place ... chairs on risers, handles in baths loos and all stairs, key safe, alarm round necks, carers three times a day, and a day centre twice a week and later a different one for mum to give dad a break they really couldn't have done more and I consider myself incredible lucky to live in a country where we can access so much help
I was an only child and an only grandchild

etheltbags1 sorry you are going through this.

You could book some care yourself whilst waiting for the assessment by Social Services.

What usually happens is Social Services assess when the person in in hospital, to make it safe for them to come home.

Good luck.

I feel for you. On a positive note as one who relies very greatly on social workers and carers for 95 year old MIL they are superb. We live 90 mins away and everything is in place and works for her to keep in her own home. Occasionally there is a slip up but also lovely instances when carers go out of their way to help in areas not required or expected of them.

Hope it all works for you. Be patient it might take time but hope it works for you as well as it does for us. We are very lucky.

I went through similar circumstances with my nan and it was hellish trying to get her the help she needed. Do you know whether your mum's condition is temporary, or likely to be permanent? The only real advice I can offer is to ask the GP for a supporting letter to Social Services, and to emphasise that your mother is vulnerable in every communication you have - vulnerable should = more of an emergency! There is often nobody caring for the carers, and it sounds as though you at least need a bit of time-out and a few nights decent sleep. Is there anybody else in the family, or friends of your mums, neighbours of hers etc that could do anything to help you? Could you change the times she does her evening painkillers, or prepare supper when doing the evening meal to save a trip and some time? Is there a neighbour that you could entrust a key to? I feel for you as, like so many these days, you are getting trapped in a no-win situation. I hope you get the help and support you need, quickly, and wish you and your mum well for 2017.

bellesisabelle Only when you walk in Ethels shoes can you know what she is going through and having been in a similar situation I speak from experience.

Just a thought. Why not buy an outside key box from Amazon or DIY (under £20)and ask a local friend/neighbour to pop in at lunch time just to check on her until you can find a more satisfactory solution. A difficult situation for you and so frustrating to have to wait to be assessed. Good luck.

We have a Carelink Plus contract, which includes a keybox outside the front door, which the carers can access if necessary

f77ms I think ethel's DM lives near her but not in the same house.
For reasons she has posted before it could be difficult to have her living with her (sorry ethel, to presume what you may say but I think you must be very busy at the moment trying to sort things out). I may be wrong.

I know that, although I would have had my MIL living with me when she became very frail, it was the right decision that DH made not to do that. She could start an argument in an empty room and if you agreed with her for a bit of peace she would then take the opposite view. I was very fond of her though despite that!

When DH went into Hospital Nov 2012 it was thought he had Pneumonia but it turned out to be Terminal Lung Cancer, he was too weak for Chemo/Radio Therapy. My DM was coming for Christmas (she was nearly 84) & my DD had come up from Devon to Somerset to go & collect DM from Taunton with me. This was on 22nd Dec & I was told by Palative Care Nurse that he would be discharged home - the look of horror on my face, I explained I could not manage both DM & DH at same time.

Within 10 minutes of my DD & myself returning home for a coffee I had a phone call to say he was being moved to a local Nursing Home the following day. He never returned home, even in the Nursing Home they could not get him out of bed with the hoist as he was in so much pain. I could not have cared for him at home no matter what help had been offered.He died Feb 2013 pain free & at peace

I had Pneumonia last year, 5 weeks in Hospital, OTs made sure I was fully mobile & provided a shower stool & raised toilet seat. Lady from local Community Care Group was lovely, until recently I had a Befriender, I still attend the monthly Lunch & monthly Afternoon Tea. the support network is there (I'm only 61) should I need extra care at some point

I have also been involved in arranging care for my BiL & Mil both now deceased - it's a battle but persevere & don't let them push you into caring for your DM on your own - use whatever ammunition you have ie. your health, job etc. Good Luck Ethelbags

You poor thing ethelbags what an awful situation to be in. I really hope things get sorted out for you and your mum quickly, you will end up needing a carer otherwise!!!

I sympathise totally ethelbags. I have a very difficult situation with my elderly mother who is 92 and in constant intractable pain with arthritis, on morphine, lives alone (14 miles away) and refuses to have SWs involvement. She was assessed by SS after attending A&E when she cut her head open after falling and they provided a 17year old to do her evening meal, ie warming up instant meal in microwave and not clearing up afterwards! She had to pay towards this too after completing an in depth financial assessment. We have bought various aids, alarm system, wheelchair etc. for her and key safe. There is a lot of good advice on here about how to access help, and I do hope you have managed to do so now. If funds allow it is definitely better to choose your own care company provider. Sadly what can be provided and what is needed are not necessarily the same thing. Age UK in this area provides a service for housework, shopping - not personal care - £22 for 2 hours and my mum accepts and likes this. Good luck. Hope it works out and importantly look after yourself.

Ethelbags you have survived a horrid illness ,don't let this upset with your mother grind you down. Can your dd give a hand? And heed what some of these posters say,in particular insisting on a visit from your mother's GP - not a locum but the real McCoy .

farnorth It is something you learn . Just the same as when you have a baby you have no idea what you are doing but you just have to get on with it

I hope when I get too old to look after myself I don`t become a nuisance to my children , I tried to set them a good example by looking after my own Mum and making her last months as happy as possible . It really upsets me the way some talk about their elderly relatives , we all get old (if we are lucky) it is just part of life - this is not directed at Ethel btw but some of the comments seem quite harsh

ethel have I misunderstood ? I assumed your Mum was staying with you or was it just boxing day?

ethel I was in the same position as you are now so have some experience . The assessments do take a while to organise but once it is done you will get some help , don`t get too excited though because it is much reduced in recent years by this present government . You will possibly get someone calling in for 15 minutes 3 times a day , I didn`t find it much help to be honest as there were so many things they were not allowed to do ie lifting , getting my Mum onto the toilet etc etc . All the things I needed them to do in fact ! I assume that you will take your Mum to the GP to find the cause of her falls , maybe they can point you in the right direction with help for her . You sound as if you are a bit overwhelmed by it all ? Your Mum must be feeling anxious and upset by what is happening too , are there any other siblings to help . Is there any chance of you having some time off work , either on compassionate grounds or as holidays ? Your Mum is probably aware of your unhappiness/ tiredness and feels guilty herself . It is a difficult situation and you may have to make a lot of compromises but things will get easier and you will be glad you looked after your Mum when she needed you

margrete while your irritation at what you see as meddling by SS is a bit understandable, just read the other posts on here and perhaps you will be more understanding and sympathetic. Social workers are stuck between a rock and a hard place, working with strict financial restraints and often with people who are somewhat resentful of the fact that they need help. A key safe is a good idea, and although you are obviously managing well, your fierce independance could lead to difficulties if one of you does have a fall or incident,and small incidents can soon escalate into major emergencies. Ethel get a key safe sorted, tell your Mother that you cannot run backwards and forwards at meal times which suit her, you too have a life and are entitled to look after your own health, especially with the problems you have had this year. It will benefit nobody if you end up ill again.

Farnorth my post was in answer to the fact that the key safe couldn't be put in the same day so maybe neighbours or relatives ( if there are any) can help temporarily I wasn't expecting neighbours or relatives to give medical help The lady had been sent home with obviously temporary equipment for mobility hi risers frames etc so not left with no mobility help .....there is no mention in the OP of the mother having dementia
As it's seems there would be a 10 day wait for things to get moving it seems prudent to try and get some voluntary help while Ethel is at work for those few days or of course as suggested already get a doctor to sign her off work for two weeks so she can give her Mum help without stressing herself so much

Well - they can't win! If they offer help they are taking over and making assumptions; if they offer nothing they are uninterested and hard hearted!!

Jalima, you mention 'wishes of the family'. The family did not come into it! All our family members are at the other end of the country - Warrington, Derby, Yorkshire. It was DH's own wishes and I backed him up because I know the man - know the determination and the history behind what he's going through at the moment, which others do not. He also, surprisingly, has a lot of upper body strength from an athletic and healthy youth. Looking at him purely from the point of view of his date of birth is misleading in the extreme, and all those people fell into that trap. We have also been in senior positions and used to decision-making.

My stay in hospital for the hip revision was very brief, but even so, I was 'assessed' in hospital. 'Have you a key-safe (what's that?) or a commode - no' . Assumptions being made, again!

ethel I think you need to get your GP to visit or try to take your mother to see him if she keeps falling. She could be having TIAs

Even with help from relatives/friends, most people have no idea how to cope with someone who has mobility problems and/or dementia or other health conditions. Trying to cope, without proper advice or help, could harm the person or themselves.

I do think we all expect too much of our system it cannot help everyone at a minutes notice over a bank holiday weekend They will help but we do have to help our elderly ourselves and if that means calling on voluntary help family/ friends/ neighbours on a temporary basis in an emergency while it all gets into the system then what more can we expect I was an only child and can totally understand how difficult it is to get everything in place and juggle all the balls needed at the same time
I m sorry to hear you yourself are unwell Ethel and can imagine how this on top of whatever is your own problems was a step too far you're obviously very disappointed you didn't get the rest you needed over Christmas and stressed too I hope you can call on some family or friends to give you a hand while the much needed help is organised