my life has become a nightmare.

An elderly relative was taken to hospital and they wanted to discharge her (a dementia patient) into the care of her 98 year old DH until relatives objected. They have no surviving DC, so she was 'a bed blocker' until a place was found in a care home a good distance from her own home with the promise of a move nearer home if a place became available, which never happened.

What annoyed me more than anything was the assumptions these people had, that they could over-ride our own choices, decisions and lifestyle. What gives them that right?
Margrete that is a worrying aspect in fact - that social workers can take control of an elderly person against the wishes of their family, that the Family Courts can impose prison sentences on family members who are desperately trying to help their elderly relatives which social workers believe may not be in the best interests of that person even though the person and the family may not agree with the social workers about the best way forward.
And there is an absolute blanket of silence about the cases.

That is truly scary.

The first thing I would do is buy a key case online they're not expensive then that will let the people who need to go in get in. We had to do that for MIL as were told to get one and not offered it for free. Next you have to see the GP with mum or call him out. Tell him you have to work and a care packaged will have to be set in place as an emergency while assessment is waiting to be done. My MIL was taken into hospital after a stroke of which she had many. I had found a care home for her but Social worker said another assessment had to be done even although a home assessment had been done a few weeks before and I was told to go and look at care homes. It took eight weeks to have assessment done and that poor woman was in hospital bed blocking over Christmas and new year when a room was waiting for her in a care home five minutes from where we lived and could visit everyday. Nothing would move them and believe me we fought as hard as we could. The problem was that the home assessment social workers don't share their information with hospital social workers. How stupid is that in these days where computers are everywhere. No compassion. I wish you and your mum well but be prepared to shout the loudest to get any help.

Our experiences are the reverse of the OP's and her mum, although we are - ahem - 'elderly people' i.e we shan't see our 80th birthdays again.

DH has been in hospital recently. He was meant to have a revision of knee replacement, the 4th or 5th on the same leg. Prosthesis was removed but blood infection markers too high to do further surgery. IV infusions of antibiotics 3 x day, daily blood-tests. 4 weeks later, it was decided he was 'medically fit' to come home. Cue entry of SS/rehab/discharge co-ordinator with insistence of a 'care package' for him, plus zimmer and commode.

DH is a highly-intelligent guy who is used to making his own decisions. He, and I, said that we didn't want the 'care package' nor did we want the commode. Repeatedly! To various different people. Useless. We weren't listened to.

A rehab man even visited our home - a 2-bed bungalow with mobility-standard bathroom, shower with walk, in access, higher loo seat. He opined that DH wouldn't be able to get into the bathroom and would need one carer 4 x daily.

DH's discharge was delayed because of transport problems - due to having no joint in L leg he had to have a stretcher, not a chair, so that leg could be kept straight in transit. That afternoon I took a call from the county Social Care department about the 'care package' they'd been asked to set up. I explained kindly that we did not want it. The very first person to listen!

I was left with a phone number to call in case we found we DID need the carer 4 x day. DH arrived home the next day by private ambulance.

Very quickly, a letter arrived from the county SS dept saying they were sending out a named person to do a financial assessment for the care package DH was getting. He phoned and cancelled this, as he wasn't getting any such package. Couple of days later, another letter arrived saying that as he'd cancelled the visit he'd now be charged full price from the 23rd. Cue irate phone call from him - nothing further been said. 4 x visits x 7 would have cost him £225 a week.

The tall African-looking social worker on the ward said to me 'We'll only take half your joint account'. She obviously had some sort of pre-conceived idea about the way 'our generation' manages its money. I said to her 'Good luck with that. Our joint account exists only to pay bills, is funded on the 28th but is almost empty by the first few days of the month'. And no one can get into anyone's bank accounts unless they are given explicit permission!

Since then, DH has been coping with my help, visited 2 x weekly by the District Nurses to dress a wound on his leg. We managed to get rid of the commode but only after a few phone calls and a threat to send it down the tip if not collected.

DH took a phone call from a consultant surgeon in Oxford who does joint reconstructions not just revisions. He wanted to see DH in his clinic before Christmas. Following that, DH is on his waiting-list for surgery maybe Feb/March. And we soldier on!

What annoyed me more than anything was the assumptions these people had, that they could over-ride our own choices, decisions and lifestyle. What gives them that right?

Violette my MIL refused much help - she should really have gone into sheltered housing or residential care but absolutely refused, not wanting to spend all her time with 'old people' (she was 87 when she died!). We lived 150 miles away, other relatives nearer but it was such a worry.
I offered to have her to live with us as my DM had, but she refused and in fact she and DH used to argue so it was probably for the best.
She did have a home help and then someone to go in and help her get dressed and again put her to bed in the evening but we worried about her all the time.

sorry, pollyanna not pollyanna

pollyanna possibly you do not know anything about Ethel's mother and Ethel herself, about their financial situation, their health other than what ethel has posted in the OP about her mother, so perhaps saying I usually feel that most people balk at the bit about finances' seeming to feel that there should be an 'inheritance' of sorts left at the end of it all? could be a bit presumptuous?

ethel I know how you have suffered with your health and what a struggle it has been to get back to work, not always easy to have a day off I know. I was so lucky with my boss when I had my DM dependent on me, he could not have been kinder. I did have to make up any time I had off but my hours were flexible and I worked near home, which I know you do not. I also had teenagers still at home who could keep an eye on Mum when I could not.

If only we know about these things, eg not taking someone home from hospital, (which does seem unkind at the time), but perhaps is the only way to get the help required - then we can act accordingly.

Best wishes

Pollyanna you may well be right, but I think that the original post was for understand, sympathy and advice ,,,,and I hope she gets that ! Having worked in the NHS the problem of bed blocking was even then (15 years ago) serious, Our first port of call was always the family ,,,but most could not or did not want to take the elderly person into their home, so an ADL was asked for from the hospital Occ. Therapists who would visit the home and see what activites the person could perform ..i.e. dress, wash, make tea etc etc ,,and help may or may not be offered accordingly,

This has been constantly in the news of late and is getting more serious by the day ....see you MP, go to the CAB, Age UK, any other organisations for elderly people in your area (local paper may have a list, or the library) you will certainly not be alone in this problem, sad as it is !....if it would help you and you could afford it, it might be worth considering employing your own carer for a few hours a day and/or overnight ..but if you go down the private route they will not have gone through the police checks that an agency should have done before employing someone.

My dear dad refused to come an live with me even though he was on his own some 250 miles from me ,,,,the reason ? 'your daughter talks too much' ..(she was 4 then !) and he preferred to remain in his retirement flat ... and \I would keep in touch every day by phone after work (then he would say 'what do you want ? Im trying to watch football !) ..but at least then I knew he was ok !

Unfortunately he had a fall one day and luckily he pulled his emergency cord and help arrived and took him to hospital ,,who phoned to let me know so I could go and see him ....afterwards all he said was 'they broke my front door' .....! but he was lovely ...independent but refused help ! In the end he died of pneumonia probably because he kept the flat like an ice box, despite having more than enough money from the sale of the family home ,,,,every time I visited I urged him to turn up the heating ,,,we all knew he could easily afford it,,,,but he said he wasn't cold ! My brother or I used to turn it up, knowing as soon as we left it would be turned off again !

It is a very worrying time for you but after you have talked it over with other family members, neighbours friends, all the people mentioned on here and worked out where to go from here it will get a little easier and a little less upsetting for you, I wish you well ! Bon courage !

Sorry Pollyanna I find your post quite hurtful , Ethel is at the end of her tether and you tell her to get real ? I struggled with OH for months till eventually he was admitted to Hospital , I had no idea of the help on offer and found most people have no access to information till they are at breaking point

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/dec/28/third-of-councils-to-lose-cash-in-social-care-changes-says-burnham

Going to be even less help soon.

Reading all this, it makes me feel grateful that everything was arranged through the hospital and GP when my husband came out of hospital after having his brain tumour operation. I wouldn't have had a clue.
It was only a week before he died that I was asked who his social worker was. Didn't have one. How did he get all this help without one, I was asked. No idea, but I'm glad it was there for the last three months of his life.

Sorry that you feel that way about S/Workers. They do care, but are struggling to cope with under-funding, not enough of them, and being demoralised at every turn by the opinions of people who only see one side of the coin.
I have been a s/worker, and have been a service user both for my MIL, and for myself.
In order to get the care that you needed, you should have told the AE dept, that you could not take your mother home, as there was no care available for her. Sadly, this would have meant that she would have been in Hosp. over the Christmas period, but she would have been in the system, and would have been sorted eventually [along with the hundreds of other elderly people vying for the small amount of money available] Once assessed, she would [depending on her ability both to function, and to pay] been found the care which was deemed 'correct' If this was deemed enough to have daily/twice/3 times a day visits, that would have been put in place,[plus a statuary financial contribution from her], if she needed more care, then her finances again would be assessed, and sorted accordingly. This means that property, money, bank accounts will be sold/emptied, until either she gets down to the basic money allowed, or she dies. This is how it is. Sadly you do seem to have a very idealist & naïve view of life, from what you had written it was almost as if having rung SS on Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing day, you expected someone to be just waiting to take your call, instantly sort out your problem, and say, 'all done now, go off and enjoy your Christmas?' Get real. You are expecting to have a life after work, s/workers also have a life, and possibly families, which they organise, in order to go and try to help someone else sort out their lives/families/parents/children. They are not sitting just waiting for a phone call, the are too busy sorting out the people already in the system. however, see your GP, rrange an assessment, & Take a day off, in the short term you could buy a keybox, you could look at care agencies, whilst you are waiting, failing that, ext time your parent has a fall, call the ambulance, and then leave it to AE to sort her out, and say you cannot care for her yourself, as you are in full time work/cannot manage/have time off/etc, then as has been mentioned before she will be in the system, and will work her way through with the help of s/services/social workers. This is not being cruel, it is being realistic.
I usually feel that most people balk at the bit about finances' seeming to feel that there should be an 'inheritance' of sorts left at the end of it all?

I agree with mumofbadboys contact your GP asap their system should help you access services more readily. Social Services do have to do assessments and yes it takes a bit of time but can fully understand your frustration. Is there not a neighbour who could go on the call bell list or pop in to see if all is ok once a day until you have more regular help?

My thoughts are with you ethel, knowing how seriously ill you have been you should not have to cope with this on your own.

Do hope you are getting some support from friends and family and make sure your gp is visited. Sadly social services are inadequately funded and being a social worker is no fun at all. If services were funded properly you and your mum wouldn't face the difficulties you currently experience. Of course when you are facing such a traumatic time social services can become the enemy. One thing I would suggest is to go to your local MPs surgery and demand that they intervene and that they lobby for more funds. Equally if you are a member of a church etc, age concern ask for volunteer help I hope everything works out for you and your mum and that your employers are supportive. It isn't personal it's just that services are at breaking point.

Once again same problem but I saw gp who agreed to sign me off sick until we sorted things out....I was stressed out, can you stay at your mum's for a couple of nights? And is it time to look at longer term care?
It's a miserable time so my heart is with you, my mum has now died but I will never forget the feelings of helplessness which ensued my dad's death, sadly limited help is there but it's hard to get, remember to think of your needs in all this....you areally entitled to a carers assessment as well.
Good luck

I support all the good things said about social services and they are doing their best in difficult times. What they provide for free compared to other countries where people also contribute is very good.

If we have elderly relatives we have to realise they might have accidents and illness in the same way that those who work and have children do. Ethelbags I am not sure if you have family at home to look after or you live on your own. If you are on your own would it not have been easier to move in with your mum for a few days rather than all this driving.or is there a family member who could stay some nights until this is sorted.

Unfortunately this all happened at a time of year when the UK seems to close down and run on a skeleton staff and every body wants to take time off to be with family and have a rest. So a normally tight service is stretched even further.

Don't worry about what will happen if you fall or get ill until it happens. You managed to move the furniture etc on Boxing Day so think positively about your abilities. I think the stress of the situation is not helping, take one day at a time. Follow the advice given on this page, go to her doctor. Hurry up January 2nd when things will hopefully start returning to normal.

Good luck.

If only the powers-that-be would take heed of forums like this, they might see how counterproductive the State's obsession with constant assessment and review can be - not just in social care but throughout the public sector. Forcing workers to focus on meeting notional targets if they want to keep their jobs risks turning them into the robots that could be doing their jobs soon anyway. Surely stifling initiative, integrity and even everyday common sense prevents people from doing their jobs properly? It certainly removes any chance of job satisfaction. All too often "clients" are let down and staff become so stressed that they feel they have no alternative but to leave the profession altogether.

That rant aside, etheltbags1, I do sympathise with your situation. Been there, done that. My story is that I effectively saved my mum's life (twice) after she suffered 2 falls in fairly quick succession when still living alone at the age of 90. Long story, but the first one caused a subdural haematoma that only became evident weeks later, by which time she was in urgent need of a burr-hole drain. Then I realised it was happening again as a result of the 2nd fall, only this time - after I'd had to shout at him to make my voice heard on the first occasion - the GP did listen to me straight away! I finally persuaded my mum to move in with me and my (reluctant) partner, where she survived for 7 more years before finally passing away peacefully in her sleep as she'd always hoped.

But it takes its toll. Please don't let your own health suffer as that will do no one any good. Get help in any way you can. Maybe ask local charities for advice? Perhaps contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau first? And do accept help from neighbours, family, anyone. If we knew where you were, I dare say a few Gransnetters would even offer to pitch in...

I haven't read all the postings.....just the original one. Sorry to hear you've had sch a rough Christmas. Can't have been grand for your mum either. Have you liaised with Age Concern..... We, in Worthing, have Guild Care and they have a day centre..... Have you any day centres in your area......they can cost but can help with all sorts of things and do provide respite. Don't forget, also rest homes can also be used to give you respite. Mind you...even an hotel would do that. Good luck.....wishing you all the best. Xx

In my area, Age Concern (or are they now called Age UK?)will fit a keysafe for a nominal charge. The best bit being that they send someone to fit it. Think carefully about the position it's to be fitted. ie obvious for carers/ambulance even in the dark but not glaringly obvious from the road. Many people I met preferred the type where you press a button with the code rather than having to slide a cog type thing using your nail until you hit the right number!

I was a long distance carer for my mum and really understand the problems you are facing. I even wrote a little booklet with suggestions on ways forward. I had to battle to get any sort of help but I found initially that reading up as much as possible on how services operate, what is available in the area etc was useful. Also listing ALL the questions I wanted answered. I don't know about you but when faced with someone from whom I need help when I'm anxious myself my mind goes a complete blank. I also kept records of telephone calls - dates, times, who I spoke to, the outcome etc. This was helpful if I felt I was being fobbed off. I was fortunate to be in a position to organise private care with carers coming to mum's house and meals on wheels [not so easy!]. I also bought a key box myself and a neighbour volunteered to keep an eye out - something which I had to rely on in the later days of mum's life.

At first I found it totally overwhelming. I'm an only child so it was down to me. I was not in the best of health myself at the time. Her GP was hopeless and we had arguments! Not to be recommended.

What I did find helpful - eventually - was to set aside time to deal with mum's affairs on a regular basis. It wasn't always easy as there was often a hiccup to be dealt with asap but it did help my own mental health.

As for work, again I was lucky to be a boss in my own company. However that said I did't want to take advantage and made sure I treated anything that happened to my staff's family in a similar way. I found them very supportive as a result and hopefully they found my support equally helpful.

As you are nearby you will be under a different pressure and that must be overwhelming. My suggestion at this stage is to write everything down; if nothing else it will help to ensure you remain in charge of the situation - and maintain your sanity!

Age Concern might be someone to talk to - an easier alternative perhaps to Social Services in the first instance?

My aunt's council carers always arrived in pairs by car. Mine, poor souls, from a private firm, arrived alone by public transport at 9am and 9pm in the dark and often in horrendous weather. One had such a long journey home I felt like getting her a taxi. I also had extra door keys made which I dished out to willing neighbours as a safety net.

The scadal of elderly peoplebeing discharged from hospital has been well covered in the press recently Again it comes down to budgets My daughter works in the NHS.The pressure to release beds is awful .Better liaison between NHS and Social Care would of course help.

A cousin, working awkward shifts, was asked while his DM, late 80s, was in hospital after a fall whether he wanted the 24 hour care package for her on discharge. They lived together. The package involved an entry pad at the door and 4 visits by carers including a quick peep into her room during the night. When he said he'd see how it went when she was home he was told best not as it was far easier to implement before discharge. So he agreed to the package. It worked well and she lived at home until she sadly left us at 104. Her carers came to her funeral.
The point I'm longwindedly making is that it is best to make arrangements prior to discharge.

I think your comments 're social workers are uncalled for and unfair monica.You can only speak as you find, but I cannot speak too highly of the help we had with my mother in law from Adult Social Care.
I was not a social worker myself but worked in a very senior position in a L.A. and the financial cuts are horrendous. Maybe we should all remember this next time we go to the polls ?
You are 'fortunate' OP in that you are still at work as otherwise yes, you might be regarded as being in a position to be your mother's main carer
You do not say how old she is or what sort of accommmodation she lives in but might it be time to start looking at residential/care homes ?

You've had plenty of advice about social services but having been in the same position I would advise you to establish a few ground rules with Mum. You say she likes to eat about 9. Point out to her that it's unreasonable and if you cracked up she's in real trouble, also anything else you can't cope with. I know you know your mum best but you must think about you too. Been there it's v hard and I feel for you. Best wishes.