my life has become a nightmare.

'So sorry to read this - how difficult and exhausting for you, and I hope that you are now in the system and will get help quickly. Sadly there are not enough people to help out especially at holiday times, and although some have said social services 'should have 24/7 availability', and I do agree, who is to pay? Nothing is free, and our NI contributions would need to go up dramatically to cover this level of service . I commented on here recently about health tourism; one person said had I got any evidence and another said it was all a myth. A couple of days later the NHS reported in the press that it had written off millions for bills it couldn't recover from people who had arrived, had treatment and then gone home. I have no real axe to grind here except to say that clearly, from this story, more help is needed and faster, but while we are funding surgery and treatment for foreign heath tourists who have contributed nothing, this money is not then going to our own elderly population who have for the most part 'paid their dues' for years.

"smile and get on with it" is not useful advice for someone who has just had a very stressful time and is struggling to even think of how to cope.

etheltbags, if you, or your mother, can possibly pay for a key box to be fitted and for some help to go in, even for a short time, then please do it to take the pressure off you while you make a more permanent arrangement.

I really feel for you. We all love our mums and hospitals know this ....

In the days before rear seat belts my late mother who was about 84, was travelling home from Tesco in a taxi which braked sharply and she was thrown off the back seat .... Resulting in a broken shoulder on the right and a broken arm on the left.

I rush to the hospital and they did the basics and she was discharged.
I guess I was in shock because clearly she was in no fit state to be discharged.

anyway I brought her back to my house. Even getting her into the car was a nightmare ..... Getting her out even worse. When both your arms are strapped to your body ..... Suffice to say it wasn't easy!

She stayed at ours for a couple of months and I managed to get help from the district nurses etc. Social services eventually sent a 'cater' to help with washing .... She lasted about 10 mins ..... Had no idea how to handle a broken shoulder
Pay peanuts get monkeys!

The rest is history except I was now clued up as to how I would react if anything happened to my mum again.

Moving on a few years, now in her 90s, she falls out of bed. By this time we had carers in place and they were unable to get an answer to their morning call

I go round with my key, but door was bolted! The police come and batter the door down .... She's taken to hospital. Stays in a few days and I'm ready for the "she can go home"

Oh No, I say!!!!! I want her assessed by the OTs and I'm taking her nowhere until I see her walk out of here unaided! I won and she spent a few weeks in a retirement home regaining her strength etc. She eventually went home and lived until she was 96 in her own home.

So the moral of this story is you have to pester GPs, social services, whomever to get the help your parent needs. No doubt it's harder these days as bugets are constantly cut.

No fun getting old. So do what you can. Do you have any brothers/sisters who can help.

I just find it sickening that hospitals will discharge very elderly patients when it's patently obvious they can't care for themselves. My poor mother couldn't even lift a cup!

Sorry if this is a miserable tale .... But it did have a happy ending. Wishing you very good luck ?

While I have every sympathy for you OP I think you will find that Social Sevices are desperately short staffed due to Local Authority funding cuts and it's not 'red tape'
Could you/your mother afford private agency carers pro tem ?
Is there a neighbour who would have a key/respond to an alarm button ?

You are in work. Your mother lives 20 miles away. Check with your mother if she wants to return home. If she does, you need to contact your employer and agree two weeks off in the New Year either paid or unpaid holiday. Get in touch with Adult Social Care and advise that your mother will be returning home on 2nd Jan. Check if they have an electronic self assessment form on their system and fill it in if they have.

Contact a provider of care in your mother's locality and ask for an assessment on 3rd Jan with their service to start on the following week. Agree that your mother will pay for 1 month until Social services have assessed her and made a financial assessment.

Contact age concern and find out who does the exteral key safe, rails etc. so that you have a plan of action.

Decide if you are going to pay for the service 'Just Checking' or if you want help from SSD to pay.
www.justchecking.co.uk/

Take your mother to her GP and ask her to have it put in her notes that you may accompany her and the GP may talk to you. Get her referred to the local falls clinic.

I am afraid that getting a care package set up for a parent is a full time job. What you can do does depend in part of what income your mother has.

all the very best.

I ma very sorry to hear of your plight.And what a dreadful Christmas you had! Better luck next year. Is there any other family member who could help? Could you move Mum into your home and gave someone to pop in while you are are at work? Or a retired friend to sit with her? Just till you get an assessment?

Ethel, am so sad you are coping with his now. It's terrible for you and for her.

We have a 97 year old family member who lives 70 miles away in her own home which has now become a 'virtual ward' as she is bedridden. You would think that would give the visiting med staff the authority to tell her carers (who come 4x a day) to do this or that.

WRONG! She needed ear drops to loosen some wax as her hearing was going after the doc called in. He did not leave a scrip for them, so her son bought them and asked the carer to put them in next time. (He did it when there first time). They cannot, back home he had to ring the doctor to get a scrip for OTC ear drops and then advise the carer to apply them. This took 3 days! By then, the drops her son had put in himself had done the job and she didn't need the scrip (but it supposedly is in force if needed next time.)

Time and money wasted... what is the point of a virtual ward if carers cannot even put in ear drops. They change her nappie, wipe her bottom, bathe her, brush her teeth, and do all kinds of things that have more risk than putting in Boots ear drops.

I despair!

Hugs and love to you... it's a tough system.

I do not wish to sound uncaring, but I have to say that this is life, and as for you feeling disappontment and tiredness, you remember all the things your Mum did for you in life and get on with it. Explain to your work what has happened, there are very few companies that won't be able to put a plan in place for you until things are sorted, but seriously, you saying 'I never want another Christmas like this' and how gutted you are about wanting time off work, my daughter in law was doing all you are doing from the age of 13.
Her mum suffered severe depression, also had arthritis, could barely walk, and was incoherent in speech, and my DIL was left alone to look after her mum. Barely going to school, barely feeding herself, 7 years she did this alone until age 21 she finally got the help she needed to have her own life. She had to beg for every minute she needed from work, but she did it, because, to quote her 'Who else would care for her with as much as love than a daughter!'
Luckily the lady in question is a lot better these days, and feels terrible for the burden she put upon her young shoulders, but this is what family does. I know its hard, heartbreaking even. I have done this for my parents and step-parents, and it never gets easier. But you shoulder with a smile because one day, it will be us who needs people.
God bless and I truly hope you get everything sorted asap. xxx

Luckygirl, I can assure you that the same as happened with social services has happened to education and teaching. I was blessed to be able to get out at the age of 55 after 33 years even though it meant losing a quarter of my pension.

We had a similar situation with my parents. I was lucky as my brother was also around, although also working full-time. Someone has said above and it's what we did, go to see your employer, be up front and ask either for leave or to be available at short-notice, depending on how far you work away from your mum's house. I would also get her GP practice involved. We did and they sent out a District Nurse (are they still called that nowadays?) who had a lot of common-sense, but, like social workers, had to work within the system. It still took time to get everything sorted, but it did happen. I'd also look into getting a key-safe. We did, but again, it'll need someone other than your mum to be there when it's fitted - more time-off work, sorry. That's why our first task was to see our employers. We were lucky with their understanding. Hope you are too. Good luck.

It saddens me to hear that people are not getting the service from SSD that they should - there were (and I am sure are) many SWs whose only wish is to alleviate people's suffering. You may be sure that they like the situation as little as you do.

radicalnan - your comment about solicitors is pertinent - one of the reasons I think SSD were probably happy to see the back of me was that I kept advising people to contact a solicitor - it always opened the door to services and the cash-strapped department did not like it - but I had to ask myself where my loyalties lay.

I once, very unwisely, applied for a team manager job but did not get it - the reason they gave was that I was too concerned about the clients and the workers and insufficiently interested in saving the department money!

It is a fact that SWs sometimes say that the house will have to be sold when that is not the case - this is why a solicitor is a great help.

What a sorry situation - and soul destroying for those SWs who struggle against all the odds to do the right thing.

You have to go through your GP and ask for an assessment not social services ,they should offer you six or eight weeks of free care while they decide what level of care she needs. In the mean time arrange meals on wheels at least you know she will get a meal ,and someone will be coming in at some point in the day . I would push the gp for a brain scan this, happend to both my mum and mother in law , both started with falls and went on to develop dementia my mum also had an irregular heartbeat so they could try a 24 hour monitor . I wish I could say everything will be ok ,but from experience its going to be bloody hard and demoralising .

My sisters and I were in this exact position two years ago with my Dad. He had a diagnosis of mixed dementia, but could manage to make his own cup of tea etc. He began falling so we had an alarm fitted and he wore a bracelet with a button to press whenever he needed it. Unfortunately, he would forget to press the button. We also went private and brought in a team of carers from a local and highly recommend agency. They were very good with Dad and he liked all the ladies. The district nurse visited regularly also as he had oedematous lower legs which were prone to leak. We had to get social services help eventually, as he became increasingly difficult to care for. Only my youngest sister lived locally, she was run ragged. It all came to a head that Christmas and we found a lovely nursing home I which he was admitted in the following January. Dad was in such a financial position as to be able to pay for all his care. It was such a relief for my sisters and I to know he was being cared for. Dad passed away in September 2015, he had a good life and was 92 when he died.
Good luck ethel, I hope you get some help soon.

Taking your mum in, will I am afraid allow all the services to abdicate their responsibilities towards her. If she does get care she will have to contribute to it, unless she is very poor and SS often suggest people buy in their own care from an agency.

I worked along side SS for many years and always thought them rather bungling, and happy to allow the excuse of no money to absolve them of common sense. I have also dealt with dreadful cases of SS insisting people sell their homes to pay for care, when they were wrong......but would not listen, until solicitors became involved.

It seems that now prescriptions for equipment are given and you are left to go and source things from local designated supplier, had this with my dad a couple of years back. My friend with lipodema was discharged from hospital needing special compression hose and SS assessed her as having to pay £56 per week for help with them on a basic state pension.

Do double check anything SS tell you. My daughter who has a severely disabled child is entitled to carer's assessment, been asking for 5 years now. SS is a service stretched thin by funding neglect and not well equipped in the first place, as their training is not what is needed for the work load they face.

I was pleasantly surprised when working with American Social workers how they just got on and sorted stuff out, our team once had a series of meeting to distribute some free Christmas cakes.....

Put yourself first because they will dump it all off on you if they can.

Most social workers go into the job thinking/ hoping to make a difference, then discover they can't, and leave in droves..

As a locally elected councillor this is my advice. Contact your own local councillor or whichever councillor has the post of Cabinet Member for Social Services. You can look this up on your town/borough website and you can e.mail or telephone. Explain your situation and ask them to apply a little pressure to get things moving.

Good luck

A terrible situation. All the assessment take time - been there done that etc. On a purely practical level could you not get a key safe fitted by your front door. Not very expensive and hopefully if you can't use a drill you know someone who can? At least then the house and your mom would be secure which might relieve a little bit of your worry.

I remember when we were caring for my mum who was in her nineties and had dementia. I was at the end of my tether and we were on another visit to A&E after a fall. A young doctor said it was ok to take my mum home. Another older doctor took one look at me and said 'I think it would be better if we keep her in for a night'. I will never forget his kindness to me and I got some sleep.

You can purchase a key cabinet quite easily. We have one

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. Couple of things - first make notes of everything you do, times of calls, who you spoke to, what they said. Then in any discussions talk about the 'risk ' elements involved -and you will know what they are and also mention that the best options involve no crisis intervention strategies - so things are put in place to stop there being a crisis - not after everything has gone up. In terms of getting others on your side - try your MP - they are there to support their constituents. Good luck and in all of this try and carve out a space for yourself

Sadly, as soon as social services knows there is a caring relative available they seem to put the needy person at the bottom of the queue. I had the same with my mother, and my elderly, disabled sister. You really have to fight to get help. Best of luck!

Ethel, your mum needs to see a GP to try to find out the cause of her falls. She may be having small strokes, for instance.

Please take time off work, whether as compassionate leave, holiday, unpaid leave - whatever you can get arranged.

You have a legal right to time off to deal with an emergency involving someone who is dependant on you :

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3235
"All employees have the right to time off during working hours for dependants, this time off is intended to deal with unforeseen matters and emergencies. There is no legal right to be paid; however some employers may offer a contractual right to pay under the terms and conditions of employment."

ethel Is there any sort of supported housing your mum could move into where there are carers who will go in a few times a day to check on her and make sure she has her medication? Again, go to her GP to sort this out, make a stand, tell them of your problems and hers and see what can be sorted out asap. Doctors can be very helpful in these situations. I feel for you, this time last year I was doing a similar thing so I know how exhausting it all is. Take care of yourself though love, get to the doctors, tell them it's urgent. Let us know how you get on. X

Ethel I am so sorry to read how exhausted you are and how unsupported you feel, I reached exhaustion when my Mum had to come and stay rather than go home after a fall and visit to A&E. It took about 2 weeks to get the support in place and I knew the system as I worked in it. So do keep asking for the assessments and help, it will make a difference once you can get care in place.

In defence of the profession I retired from after a 40 year career, it is easy to blame a group of workers who have no choice but to follow tight targets and guidelines, the whole system is failing and the internal markets where everyone fights to protect their own budget is part of the problem. There are ways the whole system could be improved but so often changes are seen as a negative not properly explained to the public. In the end it is the politician's who are responsible local and national and we should remember that at the ballot box.

Ethel I do hope your mother - and you - get the support and help she needs.

I know how hard it can be; as a friend used to say 'you feel like a piece of elastic, pulled in all directions'.