my life has become a nightmare.

Brilliant!
I have been trying to persuade my sisIL (who is in her 80s) to become computer literate and do her shopping online, but in vain.

Now she is chuffed she has done her grocery shopping online and unpacked it herself, though I did offer to help. (JUST annoyed that I can't get onto the shopping site without help), these older folk are just getting too clever.

I'm pleased to hear that etheltbags

Perhaps it's being contrary that keeps her going
My MIL used to say 'I like being awkward'.

I bet you will be just as tough Ethel. Just more understanding and sweet natured.

She sounds like a tough cookie. Perhaps she might like to be friends with kittylester's mum!

Update, my brave, annoying, tough mother came to my house herself the first time out since December, she is puttering around with no Zimmer, she does not let us help her,apart from shopping, she does her housework and is hoping to start her voluntary work soon . Doubt I will be that tough at 85.

She is going to ask for help in getting outside, then I can take her out which she would like.

My friend's mother was horrible to her despite all the loving care my friend and her husband gave her, putting their own retirement on hold. Sister who lived abroad was wonderful of course. And she was always absolutely lovely to me.

There is another thread about this, not sure if you have seen it ethel, in fact several threads about cantankerous mothers.
Are your mother's friends still visiting her or can you get her out to see them and leave her with them for a while, or to a Day Centre?

Once, when my mother had been really, really horrible, my DD2 realised and gave me the airline advice. "Always fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others". You must look after yourself first Ethel or you won't be in any condition to care for anyone. Never, ever feel guilty to have a bit of 'Me time' or staying away if you can't face it.

DD2 was the only one apart from me who'd ever been on the receiving end of mum's ire. She was always the sweetest of old ladies as far as anyone else knew.

It seems to be a common thing for mums to take out on their daughters their frustration at getting old, infirm and no longer able to cope. Mine did. As did a couple of my friends. We formed a local group of AAARGH ( Aged, Awkward, Argumentative Relatives Group Help). The rule was that we would support each other, have a good moan and winge about our Beloved Relative, and never, ever repeat it. Only one friend had a problem dad, it seems to be a much more common condition with mums!

We were also able to share help on how to get benefits and help, and little ploys which worked. (Crying for instance!) Perhaps if you could persuade your mum to attend a local coffee morning for older people with you going with her? You may meet a fellow AAARGH member and/or set up your own group?

Poor Ethel everyone is making excuses for her Mother, saying it may be early dementia/loss of control/fear etc etc. Maybe she is just a nasty old woman who bullies her daughter. You have been a marvel ethel, and I for one, don't think that being old gives you permission to be nasty to people, especially family who are trying hard to help and in your case ethel are recovering from major illness themselves. Just do what suits you because you will never suit your Mother, you have said previously that your she has a history of belittling and criticising you, well she is unlikely to change now so do what is needed, get the carers in, make your visits social rather than care, and hopefully you will both get more satisfaction.

ethel I think your mother feels a bit out of control of her own life, which is not surprising in the circumstances.
Possibly she feels that she is now a burden to you and that you might resent her needing help.
She could be retaliating to that by making rude comments to you, which is not okay of course, but understandable.

Maybe at a time when you are both calm, you could say something about what a lovely mother she has been and ask her why she sometimes says rude things to you now?

Ethelbags by doing what you are doing in the face of her obstreperous ness if that's a word, then you are a saint. Buy earplugs or head phones and as soon as she says something horrid but while you've still got stuff to do for her,bring them out ostentatiously and say if you're going to be rude I'm wearing these.

Ethel,
I looked after my mum, and faced similar, although she too didn't have dementia.
She would struggle to do things herself, flatly refusing to ask her carers (who flew in the back door and out of the front)
I dont know what caused her to be so unpleasant at times, but it was soul destroying.
I'm so sorry yours having a hard time of it, but know that others do understand, and that you're doing your best in a hard situation.

My mother is much better and can do most of her usual tasks but she can't go out yet and I know she loves to go out, I asked her again tonight , saying that perhaps she could get her physio to help her out of the step and practice. She said she wouldn't ask and when I asked her why I she said she wouldn't say because I would put my own interpretation on it so she is just going to agree with me regardless. Such a nasty thing to say to a serious suggestion. I had made her tea, she grumbled it was greasy, no thanks, I did dishes and went home. I know now that She will never be nice to me again, the lovely person she used to be has gone. There is no sign of altzheimers she can do her bank accounts and pay bills etc, i think that geing alone makes her brood, i cant stsy more than an hour as we end up arguing. Why cant i get along with an old lady am I such a horrid person, I've no self confidence left, I've had my weight remarked upon, my uselessness and my forgetfulness and that's just today. Sorry I needs a moan

ANA, I don't want to be like this, I want to do this sort of thing with no qualms but I'm not a sensible calm, get on with it sort of person. Some days I can cope othr days I can't

. At the minute my mother is dealing with her own personal stuff. I haven't done anything other than shop and small tasks for the last few days. See my other post, a relative has offered me a holiday so I'm looking forward to it.

Ethel,I really don't think cutting back the carers is a good idea no matter what your Mum might say. If there are problems you might have a job getting the routine reinstated. My Dad's social worker, fresh out of training and totally wet behind the ears, kept asking him if he wanted help and stressing that he had to give permission when it was obvious that he couldn't cope and his pride was in the way. I had to bully him into accepting but had no regrets about it. And carers can give meds as long as the client agrees. Make a fuss with the care company about the time of your Mum's morning visit so they can give her the meds and save you the worry. It may take a while to find a suitable time slot but experience has told me you have to get pushy.

I went through nurse training, midwifery and career in health service but still don't like dealing with bodily fluids (other people's).

What a guy! ???

But women are generally expected to get on with it.

When I started teaching I didn't think I could cope with vomit. I soon discovered that I could when I had to. Similarly when I got a job in a care home as a domestic I was relieved that my duties didn't include 'cleaning people up'. Except that during the first night I discovered that as well as cleaning, laundry, lavatory cleaning, answering bells and making tea I discovered that indeed it was included. The first time is the worst!!

Retired male friend pops in to check on distant elderly relative and because it was necessary took home and dealt with intimate laundry, what a guy!!

ethel, you said "I don't want to be like this." I thought you meant you didn't want to have that phobia.
If you're okay with it, that's okay with me.

Is it just old people's bodily fluids you have a problem with etheltbags1? Presumably you coped with your own, your daughter's and your granddaughter's.

Must check with my DDs how they're going to feel if and when I need any sort of personal care.

I hope some sort of care can be sorted out that your mum will be happy with, this is so sad to read, my mum needed alot of care in her last years alive , she died 15 years ago, and i miss her every day, she has not seen my g/children and she would have loved them so much, she has missed so many family events , i just wish i could turn back the clock and make it so she did not die and we as a family could still have her with us, although she needed alot of care

Far north, why should I get hypnosis, Ive had it before for another phobia (of hospitals) and it worked but I just don't like bodily fluids and don't see that I should have to handle them.

ethel, maybe you could try hypnosis to get over your phobia of bodily fluids?
That is a serious suggestion, btw.