Nothing left to give...

Reading your post, it feels like your husband has you stuck in a maze. Every time you try to make progress, you are blocked.

I'd be inclined to ask him if he really wants your marriage to continue and, if so, to tell him he has to go with you to see the counsellor.

It really seems your husband is causing you a huge amount of stress.

Could you have a week away in the UK, not abroad, so it would be less worrying if you did have a panic attack?

glammygranny so sorry to hear of your problems with hubby and DIY, I know at least 2 women whose OHs start something and never finish it, and then they are accused of nagging.

I really think you just need to drop everything at home and go away for a week, not days out because it will all crowd in on you again when you get home. Treat yourself!

I saw the GP yesterday and she has started me on meds as she thinks there is 'proper' depression and anxiety and not just stress. I'm lucky at the minute to be able to sleep for more than 4-5 hours. Also saw the counsellor but was a bit of a disaster as one of us got the time wrong ( we can't decide who) so I turned up 40 mins after the start time. She suggested I bring hubby along to one of the sessions but when I mentioned this it was not exactly recieved well. He's already decided the counsellor is on 'my' side. I've said I believe we desperately need an independent 3rd neutral party who can listen to us and pick up on how we speak to each other and that this could then be the catalyst for change. Somehow I don't think this is going to happen!
We did talk about the job round the house and he said some times he wishes he was rubbish at DiY as that way all jobs would be paid for and that at his age he wants to be slowing down. He's 60. I don't have a problem with that but still pressed the issue that I'm totally perplexed as to why he never actually finishes any of the jobs he starts and that I've always wondered why this is. I got a rant that I should be jolly grateful to have someone good with their hands and that I was not handless myself and finish off some of his projects. I then suggested we simply pay for any of the bigger jobs that are on the cards at the minute and was told " well actually I quite enjoy the DIY". Now figure that out @@###@#@ ( my attempts at screaming).
I rang all the people yesterday that I've been waiting on hubby to ring for weeks to get quotes for things. Have decided it's actually less stressful to just do it rather than continually asking if he"s find it. I told him I have the quote for the new bedroom floor and a fitter lined up. He's not pleased as he's very good at laying wooden flooring but I've pointed out he's told me he has no time. He says what I've done is akin to blackmail as feels he now should make the time to fit the floor as he doesn't see why we should waste money on a fitter! Oooooh I could scream.
Anyhow I have the luxury of at least another 4 weeks off so was thinking of lots of visits to o!d houses and gardens. Can quite convince myself to spend nearly £1000 on a 1 week holiday but this may change. I had a couple of panic attacks at the weekend and I guess I'm afraid of being away and this happening

If you are on sick leave when you go away suggest you check this out with the gp and get an ok. Just in case of problem with employer.

Looks like I missed a few posts!. Let's hope a week away from it all will leave you feeling a lot better, hope so?

You need to take a long hard look at your marriage and ask yourself " do I want to be with this man for the rest of my life"?. As for him saying that you can't have a cleaner!!. It sounds to me that he just might be a bit fed up with the nagging, it just wears you down to the point that you just stop listening to the other person!.
The NHS is wonderful and long may it continue. It is very generous. DDiL is a consultant, she works 3 days a week and she still has 6 weeks holiday a year.
You are seriously unhappy at the way things are at home for you so you need to find a way to put it right. You simply have to sit your husband down and give him an ultimatum. As for him leaving his dirty clothes around, like a few others have said he needs a good kick up the backside as he comes across as being a very lazy so-and -so .imo.

All good. You have stopped, turned around and taken a long look at your current lifestyle and what it is doing to you. Well done. I hope you are now on the road to good health.

Well done glammygranny!
You're doing everything right and there's nothing selfish about it.

Have a great time glammygranny

Glammygranny you are sounding more positive and upbeat allready?

Oh nanabilly. I did laugh at the lady being very amorous with her hubby. I've found a reasonably priced 5 star all inclusive place in one of the canary islands. I actually priced a beautiful health spa about an hour away from here and its £300 less and only for 3 days with 1 treatment and breakfast and dinner included. When you compare both options its a no brainer! Even now sitting on my decking knowing im free for a month or 2 I feel better already as mad as that sounds. I plan on being a lady who lunches for the next few days and weather permitting driving to my favourite national Trust property. It was actuallly quite funny in a naughty sort of way at work earlier. I sent a group email to all the facilities I am reaponsible for and straight away got some panicked replied oh how will we know what to do. The out of office was switched on before I sent the group email so I guess they will have to find the answer to that. My boss mentioned that his hands are tied and that he will have to refer me to occ health after 4 weeks which tells me he expects me to be off that long. I'll be called to an attendance management panel meeting when i go back and the way I see it you can only be hung once so I am planning on staying off for as long as I need to to get my mental health sorted.

No you're not. I was you about 3 years ago, right down to the role problem. In the end, I handed in my notice and I've never felt better. The husband is still a problem but I can handle that now the other issues are less difficult. Good luck

Nanabilly

glammygranny you could also consider taking a short break at a health farm, where they do spa treatments. I did that once it was great for de-stressing.

I am pleased you have been to see your gp. Go and book a holiday ,bugger the expense you are worth it!
Just don't do what a friend of mine did after a week away on her own to think where she was going next within her marriage of if she was leaving him. She missed hubby so much she got home ,ran upstairs and Jumped on him in bed and he slipped a disc and was bedbound for weeks.

I did the deed! I saw my GP yesterday. I'm to self certify for a week and then go back to see her next week when she will discuss some antidepressants. I also called the counseling service and have an appointment next Monday. I've been looking on the holiday websites and am astounded at the rip off prices for single travelers but anyhow.... I'm seriously considering flying off for a solitary week at the end of next week. I've never done the like of this before but just the thought of 1 week where I am answerable to no one and can rise when I want, eat what I want and go where I want totally appeals to me. Hubby is all for it as he says that way I won't be tempted to be 'doing things' around the house. Am I mad to be going off on my own?

devongirl I did have a look on your link but any of the single cruises leaving in the next few weeks are over £1000 so a tad more than my budget would allow.
I've just got off the phone from the GP. To my utter amazement they have offered me an appointment this afternoon. Not because it's urgent but because it's a locum and folk are funny round here and only want 'their' doctor! I've also called the counseling service provided by work. I'm told I should have an appointment with them within the week. I get 4 free and if its decided I need more then they can speak to our OH dept to agree this. It's an outside agency that provides counseling services for all of the public sector employers within Northern Ireland.
It may seem odd but I actually even feel slightly better already having put the first steps in motion.
I was all set to leave long lists of how to do my role and then a voice in my head said "Why the h*ll should I. Perhaps if I am off for 3 months and all the application forms are stacking up and service users are seriously disadvantaged they will think more of me.

That sounds good, ignore hubby and give yourself a proper break, I'm sure you'll come back rested and better able to cope.

Have you looked at, for example, www.iglucruise.com/promotion_id47 ?
They seem to have some not-too-exorbitant prices.

I completely understand your wish to go on your own, I would be just the same.

devongirl I was planning on spending a lot of time in the garden - weather permitting and have been looking at mini breaks in some lovely hotels a few hours away. I was thinking of booking a week somewhere hot but I don't think my frazzled nerves could cope with all those airport queues I'm seeing on the media at the minute. I did go so far as to look at a cruise but the costs for a single passenger were horrendous. I do have friends but I don't actually want the hassle of having to talk and be considerate of the other person. I know that sounds really selfish but right now I really am running on empty so have nothing left to give. When I go away with girlfriends there is still the element where it's polite to give and take and I just want a few days of being totally lazy and having to think of no one but me. I guess naysayers could say the problems will all still be here when I get back but maybe a few days away will give me a new perspective on how to deal with it. I haven't broached the subject with hubby as he will no doubt view it as totally negative and me not wanting him. Hubby is out of the house 2 days per week but sees clients at home for a further 3 days but not all day on those 3 days. I don't mind the clients in the house as it's a big house and he has his own office where he sees them.

Could I just say, *glammygranny", I can see you're at the end of your tether, and I'm not surprised; but given your husband's attitude, will being at home full-time for 2-3 months really be the best thing for you? I have a lot of stress at home and coming to work is sometimes a form of respite. Could you get out of the house to do, perhaps, some low-level voluntary work part-time during that period? Take good care of yourself.

Well! It's been an interesting weekend at home. I just could not muster the energy to even get out of my pjs yesterday. Hubby said "you look totally depressed". I said yes I am but he never probed further. As I've said previously he's never been an emotion sort of guy. I left the kitchen in a total mess after lunch and eventually at bedtime last night hubby decided to tackle it accompanied by much cupboard door banging and loud clanging which I totally ignored. At one point in the evening he came in with a photo he had been working on and left it on the worktop. When I didn't offer gushing praise ( I just couldn't care less about such things at the minute) he said "did you not see the photo" to which I replied "Yes I did". He shook his head and harrumphed as he quite obviously didn't get the fawning compliments he was looking for. His overriding emotion for as long as I've known him has been an impatient short bad temper. It's always been about him so because I'm not feeling the best he views it as all his fault. The other day I commented how would it not just be as easy to put the dirty dishes direct into the dishwasher and was told " oh so we're on a get at X time". His previous wife by all accounts was a very hard woman and he carries the scars to this day. I very often think that at certain times he doesn't 'see' me but her. I've often said "Stop I'm not Mary (not her proper name)". They have been apart for many many years but it's obvious there is still a huge open sore there. I've tried telling him he needs to address it but there's no chance of that. I've tried suggesting he and I could do with a few visits to relate but he's not keen on that either. I really think we need a neutral 3rd party to observe our communication styles and how we interact and certainly from my point of view if I'm told there are aspects of me I need to work on I'm quite willing to do this.
Anyway.... I've decided these next few days in work will be my last for perhaps 2-3 months. I think I've come to the point of realizing I'm at the stage where I probably need some sort tablet to improve my mood. Work does offer an independent counseling service so I will call them. The union guy's visit is to do with a long running job banding appeal so I need to be here to see him. He's quite useless but all I've got so have to stick with him. I then plan to see the GP on Wednesday and take it from there.

15 years ago my gp said to me "Kim you are heading for a stroke or heart attack or both" 2 days later exactly that happened I was woken up with pains down my arm and in my chest and I made myself go back to sleep then a little later I woke again and my left side had dropped . My arm and my face ,I was drooling everywhere and you know what I did , I got up and went to work as I was in charge of the store that day , I had the safe keys and the store keys and had to let everyone in . I got to work , I drove !and I told a colleague I was not well .She told everyone else to keep an eye on me while she got on with my jobs. Ten a.m we had our daily morning managers meeting and it happened again but I also had a mild heart attack and an ambulance was called ,I spent weeks in hospital before taking a year off work then going back to do the same job then had another mild heart attack . I tried allsorts of ways to stay at work ,,stepped down from management ,dropped my hours, dropped my hours again and then in the end they offered me a ill health retirement package at the age of 45, so I took it and I've not worked since. I've had many more mild strokes an a couple of mild heart attacks and all because of a job . I loved my job but it did not love me back and now I say " it is just not worth risking your life or your health because of it "

Glammygrammy..... Have you (in earnest) considered working somewhere else? I've been retired for years now, but I once worked long hours for someone who was abusive, unreasonably demanding and impossible to please.

So, this may not be the ideal comparison, but my point here is that I was stuck in a job that gave me far more grief than satisfaction! Because I still needed a paycheck, I couldn't afford to quit outright. I quietly searched for a different job, instead.

A few weeks later, I landed a similar (HR) position in a large corporation (continued working there for over 15 years). The people were great, the paycheck was bigger, the job was much easier and the look on her face when I resigned was priceless!

Suggest you take some leave asap (unpaid if you have to). I am sure you can find a reason if you think about it (sick relative other end of the county?). Let your manager sort a replacement for you in your team - that's his/her job and why paid more than you.

Take a week and go away by yourself for a week's holiday (one bedroom flat perhaps?) Tell husband you need some time on your own to think about things. If this worries him that's his problem. Let no one talk you out of it. Turn your phone off.

You need a bit of distance and some peace to get a perspective on things and to stop you burning out. Do you good to let go of the reins do others good to see that you can!

Best wishes and hugs. Chris

If your boss isn't interested in taking care of his/her staff, then I am pleased that you have involved the union. They have a duty of care to you as their employee, and they are not behaving legally. It is NOT your responsibility to plough on carrying these work burdens on your sole shoulders - it is theirs to ensure that the department is properly staffed at all times.

When I was 50 I jumped off the wheel of the profession that I had pursued for 25 years; I risked my pension (which is now vanishingly small), the security of my family (3 dependent children at the time) and took a leap in the dark, because I was slowly killing myself and that seemed just daft quite frankly. We muddled through and I made a freelance career in my two hobbies: music and photography, getting some new training and qualifications along the way. I had a very happy 10 years before retiring at 60.

So....weigh up the risks, making sure that your health and well-being is given prominence in your calculatoins.

Sometimes you have to take a risk in life!

Ps, you've been telling your bosses, for ages, that there's too much pressure on you.
They don't care, so you have to be the one to cut down the pressure on yourself.