Is it me

I tried to think that my poor old mum had lost control of her own life in almost every respect. Controlling me was all she had left, really. So, I gritted my teeth, swore at her in my head, and tried to do my best by her, as she had always done for me, when she had still been able.

You’re describing the relationship I had with my mum until very recently. We didn’t live together but lived just minutes apart and her expectations of me, together with that constant negativity and chipping away at me became too much. I’ve moved far enough so as to cut those daily expectations but still be near if needed in an emergency. She acted as if I was abandoning her but my brother still lives with her so that’s not true. 18 months on things have improved enough that I no longer hate her. It’s not the solution for everyone but it certainly helped my sanity.

ethelbags I spent/wasted all my adult life trying to please my mother - all I did was make myself depressed and unhappy - stand up to her!! Good Luck.[flowers}

Years ago we were like sisters. I lived at home till 29. That person has now gone. To be fair she can be nice at times and if i was in need she wiuld help but on her terms. Latest issue is hr heating she wont turn it up and her house is cold. I need to argue to get her to see its for her own good. I live 2 doors away and if she sees my car shes on the fone to see why im home. Grrrrr

My mum got quite unpleasant towards the end part of her life, saying exactly the same kind of things. I mumbled, I had such a miserable face that the neighbours didn't like me, I couldn't do much that was right, really. What hurt the most was that she and my daughter (who was the absolute apple of her eye) were almost estranged at the end. She seemed to lose any empathy, thinking only of herself. It was very difficult, and I mourn the loss of the mum I knew. I had given up work to care for her, and I bitterly regretted it some days.

If you speak up I expect she will tell you you're shouting. However, you can write everything down on a weekly kitchen diary or on a memo pad so that she can't accuse you of not telling her things.
Tell her quite firmly that you live how you please just as she lives how she pleases.
If she starts nagging go into another room and do something else - hum or sing to block out her grumbling. Then, when you've finished what you need to do for her, give her a cheery goodbye and go back to your own home - and relax.

Aw, Ethel, this is a miserable situation for you. This may come across as harsh but I really don't mean it that way.
Being submissive and not standing up to her is enabling her to continue bullying you.
Do things your way and when she says something, just say you are doing it your way or no way, her choice. Then stick to your guns, you must not back down.

It's your behaviour which feeds her behaviour. Changing yours will change hers.

Ethelbags, your mother's personality and rudeness is not your responsibility. It's not your fault, Ethelbags, that you mother is old and bad tempered. Maybe if you wore good earplugs when you are in her company you could more easily continue to care for her. I do worry about the silly old bag as obviously she needs you badly.

I'm very sorry, ethelbags. I guess if she's always been like this, she's not going to change now.

Does she live with you?