Narcissistic Personality Disorder - how to cope?

Get good legal advice from a solicitor, who will also know what legal remedies you have if things are not being run properly. I suspect just being seen to be seeking legal advice, should start to help your Company Secretary step back and think a bit.

If you sold up the gardener would still have a job

Your posts are much clearer now that you have stopped trying to label and diagnose your neighbours with various psychiatric conditions. With clear legal guidelines for all that should be fine. You don't have to like your neighbours although, obviously, that helps.

The flat is our only abode, which we bought over 4 years ago. We inherited a somewhat informal structure that one of the 4 directors also became the Co Sec, the Chairman and the Treasurer. We have a much truncated version of the Articles of Association, and basically nothing about procedures for the running of our block of 4 flats. So thank you, Monica, we shall go to CAB and try to formalise and have written procedures, as the Co Sec likes to make up the rules as she goes along.

We also inherited the gardener, who is actually a maintenance man, as he knows very little about gardening, but is very willing. The U(pstairs) N(eighbour) pays him to come over regularly to do house maintenance stuff for her. A volunteer is required to supervise him, and my DH and he have struck up a good working relationship. My DH is concerned that the gardener will be sacked, as he has very little other employment, and basically doesn't manage his life very well.

The current Co Sec as just a director, was only sociable when it came to the AGM, and that was the only meeting required by the previous regime which ran very smoothly for over three years. Any maintenance required and costs etc were managed by email, and my DH, being retired, was usually the organiser and overseer. The previous Co Sec moved on, and felt obliged to register the accountant, the current Co. Sec, as the UN really did not want to have anything to do with it being 84, we were hardly ever there, and a new family had just moved in. An outside agent was considered, but too expensive, and not efficient.

Our encounters with the accountant up until then had all been brief, and some of them had been quite strange, e.g. one day the accountant was the only person in the flats when it was the gardener's work day and one of the flat owners always gave him a cup of tea. When the gardener asked for a cup of tea, he was told that it was her day off so she couldn't bring him a cup of tea.....

And once the accountant was given a position of authority as Co Sec, she has really enjoyed throwing her weight around. Fortunately as she so enjoys her new powers, she copies everyone into all the developments, so we have a clear trail. Inadvertently the UN copied us into a bullying, aggressive, alienating email all about the negative and highly detrimental effects of our flood and that we would not be allowed access to the "sinking fund" into which we all pay monthly. She placed our Terms and Conditions of the Leasehold with a solicitor, who was going through it line by line to find any loopholes, to ensure that we are not entitled to anything from the sinking fund, etc etc. So, thank you UN for your faux pas, as we now have a better idea with what we are dealing.

As "normal" people we are offended by such behaviour, and the appalling thoughtlessness and total lack of empathy. She obviously cannot take even an implied suggestion of criticism. In fact she becomes incensed over nothing. However, if we understood that she had some sort of personality disorder, we would be more tolerant of her emotionally unbalanced attitude. And we need to get her out of a position of authority so that we can sustain our investment. For example, we had our immediate drain inspected in the summer, and the technician was unable to clear it. We emailed the Co Sec there was a problem with the drain, and could she (and her interfering boyfriend, who does not live there) have the drains inspected, as we were going to be away for the next 3 months. The return answer was in the negative, so 5 months later we came back to a flooded flat due to blocked drains identified in the summer.

Thank you, Missfoodlove, as I feel that the UN has become manipulated by the Co Sec, and as you can see above, she is busy with smear campaigning. Luckily the new family firmly will not have anything to do with any of this, and he has been very helpful in sorting engineers for the drain clearance and repair - a perfectly normal relationship - phew!

Having read the horrible email, I sent two calming, soothing, explanatory, reassuring, business-like emails, to which I did not receive a reply. I sent a third one that was rather more pointed at the Co Sec when I encountered her in the garden. I asked why it was necessary to send our Leasehold to a solicitor, and she claimed that "we are doing everything we can to help you." She evidently had not understood that we had all read the very nasty email, although I had just tapped on the Reply button to send my conciliatory emails.

And now, two months later, I sent a firmly worded email to all that they had responsibilities to fulfil as a director to a company registered at Companies House. Furthermore that by publicly humiliating my DH, they cannot be surprised that he has withdrawn his willing co-operation.

Yes, we could sell up, but it would be leaving the others, and the gardener in the lurch. We have invested very heavily financially in this flat, bought for our very old age, which makes it exceptionally difficult to give up.

My daughter lived in a block of four flats with a similar lease self management arrangements. One of them a passive-aggressive neighbour. They had a monthly rota to do the front garden, but the passive aggressive neighbour often did it before they had a chance and then complained about others not doing it! There were lots of little things like that and it certainly hastened my daughter selling up. She’d never get into a similar situation either.

I think if you read Heckters 2nd post, you will find the arrangements regarding directors has been clarified

For info re Directors etc, I previously lived in a house converted into flats. We owned the freehold between us, and each flat (whether owned by one or two people) had one share of the freehold, therefore with one Company Director per flat. Companies House insisted we had a Company Secretary etc, for their records, ie one of the Directors. We met every few months and did house business collaboratively and the Company Secretary completed the Annual returns, etc.

In my current flat, we all have long leases and an absentee freeholder owns the freehold so we are not, in this case, Company Directors.

Unfortunately, one couple who live permanently in this small block (I go there only at weekends) have become very controlling and have put, to my view, horrible pictures, ornaments and plastic plants in what was a very contemporary and elegant communal hall. Apart from the unsightliness, I am concerned about the fire risk of these plastic monstrosities in the stairwell.

This couple have become extremely bossy. I think that living in a flat can be very difficult and may appear to exaggerate personality traits which in a small community may become intolerable.

I am certainly trying not to get upset by the plastic plants (!) and hope that you are also able to become more relaxed about the situation. I have briefly thought about selling the flat but it does have a huge number of advantages. Hopefully you can come to a similar way of thinking. ?

Heckter
Perhaps you could make it clear regarding the flats.
Did you mean FOUR blocks of flats, not a block of four flats?

The OP states that 'the company' consists of a block of 4 flats, EACH with a nominated director and company secretary.
Thst means each flat has two residents who are part of the committee.
That makes no sense.
Can the OP please re-word the script?

I think the original post a very strange one indeed, and altogether confusing!

You need to examine your own behaviour in this. Who appointed your hsband to supervise the gardener? I should think that round be very unwelcome. Who has diagnosed these two people as having personality disorders? I would sell up.

I would sell up and move on.

We have the same situation ours are run by a director in each block 6 blocks but spread out not actually an estate.
We had one lady who has since died that was running the block we live in before we bought the property we moved in and I was told by the previous owner of the flat she was ‘difficult’ we managed to rub along ok in the end.
The couple in the next block were very rude. I asked for a rotary line in the garden and said could it be screened off they said it’s not in the lease, so we couldn’t have one. She was quite blunt and because they had lived here so long thought they owned the brimming place. We have since bought the lease but still not able to have a rotary line, thing is the other blocks have them though.

Like Anniebach, I am not comfortable with this thread. Is it a co-incidence I wonder that NPD was the topic on the Jeremy Vine show on R2 on Wednesday?
Also really, really uncomfortable with the notion that dementia is linked in anyway to any sort of personality disorder. I work with the Alzheimer's Society and that's the first I've heard of that.
Can you provide a link OP to evidence supporting that theory? I am genuinely interested.

This seems a complicated situation, but no one should be making comments to make others feel uncomfortable. I personally would let her know how she is affecting you preferably face to face in a non confrontational way, with witnesses, or in a calm letter. Reiterate how you calmly wish to resolve matters, suggest a meeting with others to mediate. Ignoring her or getting involved with her back biting will not resolve matters, just enable her to continue.

Me neither Anniebach.

Managing flats like this always seems to be a nightmare. I have the role in my building where we all have a share of the freehold and I hate it but I am the only resident owner the other owners mostly living abroad. The problem is that the alternative is to get in managing agents who cost a lot and are usually useless. Do t know what the solution is but it makes me long for the simplicity of my house

It would be difficult for us to comment on somebody's psyche without having many instances of unreasonable behaviour but if she is narcissistic, your life could be made a living hell so you might consider whether it is worth living there. Do you think you might be feeling over defensive for your husband? I know that if anybody treats somebody I love even the slightest unfairly, I can become very sensitive about it and defensive of them. It may be that his efforts aren't quite as appreciated as you think they should be but the other residents are too kind to say.
It sounds like a very stressful situation having been flooded out and it is easy to become embroiled in a fight if you are stressed. Of course, it may be that you are being completely reasonable. If so, keep your communications polite and equitable so if the Company Secretary is easily shown to be unreasonable, it will quickly show. Is there a grievance procedure you can use? It would seem a sensible thing to have in place and if there isn't one, perhaps you can be instrumental in getting one.

Heckter - this reminds me of the situation with my mother's block of 12 flats. It's put me right off buying a flat in future.
I agree with M0nica that you should keep an eye on the way the company is run and make sure no-one is lining their own pockets.
In my mother's block there is a management company with 3 directors, one of whom is appointed Chair.
For years the Chair paid no service charges on the grounds that he should receive payment for being Chair, even though there was an appointed Managing Agent who also acted as Company Secretary. The Chair continued to benefit from the services everyone else paid for. the residents were paying twice over for management by the Chair and the Managing Agent.
In reality the other 2 Directors were just his puppets and the management fees he thought he was entitled to were hidden in the annual accounts and described to look like payments to the Managing Agent.
He was eventually rumbled and voted out but the numbers involved here are much smaller.
My advice is to ignore the rudeness and get on with your life. No-one can force you out of your own home.

Sorry but I am not comfortable with this thread

Do you mean Fronto-temporal dementia aka frontal lobe dementia which is a rarer form of dementia?

Tell her that as a courtesy to all of the residents you will copy her e-mails to each of them.

Yep, definitely a split personality in this lot.

Along with verbal diarrhea...needs unblocking with the drains...perhaps the Psychiatric, Psychotic, should have been a psychiatrist husband could sort the lot of you out.

Jalima1108
There are papers written that support the belief of frontotal dementia being aggrivated in patients with NPD.