The Black Dog Gang

Dragonfly I am so sorry . You may not have clinical depression but reactive depression . Same feelings and emotions.

Have you spoken to your GP about your depression?

We will listen and understand x

I have been reading all your stories and I feel a sham. I have never suffered depression but at the moment I cannot stop crying. Four years ago my DH contracted Legionnaires disease and although he survived it changed our lives. He became very negative about his health and has lost energy. He cannot walk more than 100 yards without sitting down. He went from playing golf 3 times a week to sitting in a chair all day.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in November and as it is in the skin it is inoperable. I am on tablets to make it shrink. The only thing they are doing, however, is affect my heart so may have to stop taking them.
I just cannot see a way out.
I am so sorry to burden you all but I try to stay bright and sunny for the family.

You are strong Joce. People who struggle on despite chronic anxiety or depression are very strong indeed.

Wow such lovely word you have shared there Kandinsky, thank you for them..and Dawn yes broken crayons do still colour. I like you don’t think any think helps really, It so hard when it’s happening to some one you love. I just want wednesday to be over for her. She is hurting so much, she feel she is doing somthink wrong, she isn’t this is sadly how it has to be. I wish I could be stronger.. big hug to all ..?

Good morning all.
? & much love to all of us who are struggling with depression & anxiety.
I have also suffered miscarriages so know only too well how they change you. My only hope is that my dd’s never have to go through this truly heartbreaking experience.
You never really ‘get over it’ - it just becomes part of you.
I was offered counselling after my miscarriage which I took up, but unfortunately it didn’t help at all.
I don’t mean to sound defeatist or all ‘doom & gloom’ but I honestly think nothing helps in certain situations, you just have to find strength within yourself & make the best of what life has thrown at you.
& to touch on what Dawn said about a broken crayon still colours.
The Japanese art of Kintsugi where they repair broken crockery with beautiful gold paint, because being broken doesn’t mean you are worthless, you can be put back together & become even more beautiful & valuable, because you have lived.

Grandmain Oz
Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate it.

Do you mind me asking you what Depression medication you take? Just to see whether it might be a fit for me.
I could see you were awake at a similar time to me. That is the worst time of the day for me. My worries start up and only ease down by night.
I find l get easily triggered during the day.
I have a lovely saying for you Grandmain Oz and the others "A broken crayon still colours ".
Take care as best you can. Dawn.

Dawn I was diagnosed with severe and chronic anxiety five years ago, after suffering in silence for several years already.
It's blood awful, isn't it? I finally seem to be seeing results from my latest medication in terms of depression. But the anxiety. Ugh! Valium doesn't do a thing these days. I have seroquel which helps a little but makes me so tired that I am equally useless, apart from at least not feeling terrified.
It honestly feels like a disability to me some days.
I feel for you, I know what it's like

Aww Annie I bet you cried. I still keep cryingi remember so well when it happened to me, to lose a child no matter how far on you are is heartbreaking.. my first baby only lived for a hour and I never saw her because I had a CS and they didn’t let you back then.. she does have a grave and I do go that was 44 years ago you never forget. I feel for your daughter I can only imagine what it’s been and still will be like for her ..and yes she is a mother.?

My difficulty with anxiety is that l usually wake up very early about 5am and about an hour later l start getting very anxious and about 2 hours later l get up at about 8am.

Does anyone else have a similar problem with early morning waking and has anyone any tips on what to think about or do before one gets up in the morning. The anxiety is very bad for me in the morning and as evening falls it eases only currently to start up again. This morning I was walking around the shops having a look around and l was full of anxiety. Anxiety is a terrible feeling. Take care everyone. Dawn

Joce yes it is good to talk and it all makes sense here x

GrandmainOz, I did weep buckets, and said ‘yes my darling you are a mother today’, I believe life begins at conception so was being truthful’, every miscarriage she has planted shrubs or flowers, there are poppies somewhere on
Salisbury plain. A tree in Shropshire , heather on a mountain in Wales, two rose bushes for the twins in her garden in Lincolnshire and a shrub in another garden in Lincolnshire.

Ugh annie that really made me tear up. The poor lass. As her mother, you must've wanted to weep buckets

Joce I was distressed every time but there is one time which was torture. My younger daughter had been through another IVF treatment, she was given the date to do a pregnancy test as usual, she mailed me a picture of a positive reading , it was Mothering Sunday, I phoned her immediately and she said ‘ Mum , if I lose this baby too I can still say , this Mothering Sunday I am a mother .

The consultant may be able to help your daughter , don’t give up hope. My daughter met many women at clinics who had successful pregnancies x

Aww Grandmain, we all have so much to deal with.. bless you I do hope you are feeling better now.. errrr I just keep asking why can we not have some peace from this horrible dark place. I was up till the early hours mind just would not let me rest. Then I get up feeling like my world is ending. like so many others on hear. I find it hard to put into words what I am trying to say (don’t make much sense to my self let alone others.) my heart goes out to you all.. it’s so good to talk to some one that really understands. Thank you all for your help. ?

Oh joce and annie your poor girls. I'm terribly sorry. The need to be a mother is so powerful for many of us, and I feel desperately sad for those going through infertility or who have suffered miscarriage or stillbirth. It must be soul destroying.
Thinking today of all who are sad and dealing with the dreaded depression or my particular nemesis, anxiety.
I feel so fortunate that my current regime of medication (my NINTH, never let it be said I gave up) has finally had some effect on my loathsome depression. But I fear that my anxiety is here to stay. Had a ghastly panic attack about 7 hours ago and it's only just lessened its grip now. Drained, teary and sore all over from tensed up muscles.
to all of you here

Aww Annie that is so sad, life can be so cruel sometimes. it is very heartbreaking. My son and youngest daughter both have children. I hope and pray she has one. They have referred her to see a consultant in the next few week, they don’t normally until it happens 3 times, but I think it’s because she is over 35, I am pleased she hopefully will feel better when she has seen the consultant may be answer some of her questions/worries. Joce ?

Joce my younger daughter didn’t have a baby , she has accepted it but the 20 years were heartbreaking. She has a very close bond with my elder daughters three children and they adore her.

Ann did your daughter go on to have children..Ellanvannin I really dont envy your job, having said that I am so very grateful for the people in your line of work I would be in a sorry mess without them.. I owe my live to them ..

Yes it is horrible when it happens. I lost my first baby full term live for only a hour it really did break my heart, went on to have 2 miscarriage. So I really do know how it feels first hand.. I went on to have a son and 2 daughters thankfully .. it’s when it’s your own think it so hard.. thank you ladies it’s so good to talk .

Joce my younger daughter had 14 IVF treatments over 20 years resulted in several miscarriages, I really do know how you feel , one feel so helpless, words seem inadequate, one miscarriage was the loss of twins, ten days between them, this was really hard , she thought she would be able to keep the second as she didn’t lose them at the same time. All we can do is listen and hold them if they want this comfort .

Aww Joce345, I've seen and also heard desperate cries from patients when this happens. I don't think I'll ever forget the haunting yells from a poor woman who at 8 months was at clinic only to be told that her baby had died. I think all the staff were affected that day, including myself and went home early. Certain things you remember vividly and she too had been thrilled to be pregnant.
It's so terribly sad and I must say, a difficult situation to deal with. You can only do your best.x

Yes Ann it’s her second miscarriage but the baby hasn’t come away so she has to go in theatre next Wednesday this is what happened last time as well .she is so desperate for a child ...

Joce, may I ask if your daughter suffered miscarriages or still births ?

Yes I think it’s my grandchildren that keep me going... my daughter has just lost her second baby, it’s so hard she has been so up set, my heart bleeds for her. It somthink else to deal with. I don’t deal very good with thinks these day, I so want to be strong for her, but don’t think I am doing a very good job at the min.

Joce I have no idea how I cope with it to be honest. I never used to be like this. I suppose the thought of my family keeps me going.