Hiding health problems

I have no children so perhaps it is different for me but when I was taken into hospital last year I didn't tell anyone in the extended family until I was back home. If anyone ever asks me how I am I always say I'm fine, even if I am not. I find it hard asking for help and am an intensely private person so wouldn't discuss any health problems - until they were over

I tell my family only if I think they need to know. I very happily tell them if I have had a health issue that turns out to be nothing to worry about.

My now ex dil would not tell anyone about her health. My son knew she was unwell but what with was anyones guess and she was was very lucky that it was him who found her unconscious on the floor in the early hours and called the ambulance, any longer they said and she would have died. 'Even being in intensive care she would not allow anyone to know what the tests found. Me,tell my husband everything but only the important ones to my son.

Like Granny123 I have had bladder cancer, fortunately of a non-aggressive sort and am now - touch wood- free of it. I did tell my children. Was glad that my mother was no longer alive to fret. One trouble with telling the family is that coping with their worries adds to the stress of having the condition/waiting for test/having treatment but sometimes for practical reasons you have to. All the best to Granny123 and am glad she has had no recurrence after 10 years!

Why worry them?

We have told our children about health issues as it affects looking after the GC but not our parents.

mamaa definitely go on your family visit. Your can’t sit in with your husband while he’s having the scans, so you wouldn’t really be helping him. He sounds quite happy to go on his own, which is good, so you just go off and enjoy your visit. And try not to worry!

Why worry poeple by givin them information that they can do nothing about and will make them anxious? Only mention health on a need to know basis, but do keep a record, so that if you are really ill then family can find it. I have a health file in my cabinet with a folder for prescriptions, eyes, feet, knees etc. and an allover Blue Crest summary of my health. The information is ready and available should it be needed.

My husband died at the age of forty seven. We told our children as soon as the cancer was diagnosed. We knew he would not live five years from then. He lived just over three years. I promised the children that I would always tell them if I have any problems no matter what they are. I have kept that promise. It does no good keeping things secret if you have a loving and supportive family. My husband has been dead almost fifteen years now. I could not have survived without family support. Honesty is the best policy in my view.

As our children live abroad we only mention tests, etc after we know the results. No need to get them worried beforehand. But we do let them know if we are waiting for an op.

My daughter didn't tell her partner that she had a condition called Gitelmans Syndrome. He knew she was taking pills (potassium) but not why. She had very few symptoms..... she apparently stopped taking her pills after her fifth child was born in 2014..... and had a heart attack and died in 2015,

She had only minimal symptoms of the condition.
None of us knew it was life=threatening. She hadn't been to her consultant in Oxford for four years, and didn't tell me.

If she had told any of the close family her death might have been prevented.

A thought provoking thread. My DH is a very private person and the last 2 years of depression (due to thyroid issues) has been very stressful for both of us. He has hidden his constant need to be 'absent' even when his children come to stay on holiday and it has left me making excuses for him not being here for them. I feel he should tell them. It may be something they experience themselves in the future....or be hereditary. Mental health issues are difficult to discuss and I do understand his reticence.

I didn't tell any of my family when my GP referred me to the breast clinic recently. I thought why worry them unnecessarily, it'll be soon enough for them to know if anything nasty is found. Luckily there was no cause for concern, so I didn't tell them anyway.

AlieOxon, I'm so sorry to hear your sad story

Last month, completely out of the blue, I was told I had a Lymphoma (blood cancer), which came as a terrible shock. I went to pieces for a couple of weeks and was very grateful for the support of a few close friends who I have known for nearly 50 years and some I have known only a few years. I told my OH, and he has been driving me to lots of hospital appointments nearly 30 miles away. I have told my 2 adult children and my teenage GD but cannot bring myself to tell my elderly mum, who will be 89 at the end of this month and had a replacement heart valve op in June. She is recovering well all by herself at her house, 70 miles away and refuses to have any help (stubborn or what?) but I don’t want to worry her unnecessarily! My latest prognosis is promising - cancer is non-aggressive and is hopefully very treatable, but I now have to wait 2 weeks for the results of yesterday’s hip biopsy whilst they test my bone marrow to rule out any other problems. I will, hopefully, then know exactly what treatment I have to have. They have suggested Radiotherapy as opposed to Chemo, so that is (apparently) Good News! I am still trying to decide When or If to tell my Mum. I seem to remember her being in hospital several times when I was a teenager without telling her Mum and we were told NOT to mention it to any neighbours, friends etc, ever! I definitely have appreciated the support of my friends, but not sure I could cope with my Mum constantly worrying via phone calls. And I certainly don’t want her to be taken ill again with worry. Have I done the right thing?

DH and I fall into the 25% that do not tell the family about illness.

Smurf44, hope you don’t mind me commenting on your post but just wanted to say I had lymphoma(Hodgkin disease in my case) a few years ago so I understand your feelings of shock. I did have chemo and whatever the treatment, it’s not an easy ride but it is very treatable and I’ve been in remission ever since, past the 5 year mark now. I had to tell my Mum unfortunately as I couldn’t visit her like I used to and yes she worried a lot and was constantly on the phone to me. If I could have spared her knowing I would have. DH took me for all my appts and our daughters knew what was going on and were a great support but I must admit to keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself especially in the early hours when the mind comes up with all the ‘what if’ scenarios. I think you can only do what feels right for you,good luck with your treatment,will be thinking of you.

Some health problems are naturally hidden in that their effects are not noticeable to people other than the sufferer. If a person with that kind of health problem doesn't talk about it much it doesn't mean they are hiding it, they just aren't advertising it. They are being discreet or perhaps reserved. Or maybe they don't want to be seen as whiney.

If you look healthy, even if you do tell people about invisible health problems, they tend to forget and seem surprised when you say you can't do something because it will hurt, or you're not strong enough, or whatever.

I have so many minor health problems, I keep them to myself.
If God forbid I had a life-threatening problem I think I would be more likely to tell them.
If they're far away, busy at work and couldn't help there's no point making them feel obligated and guilty.

I didn't used to until I got a severe dressing down from the AC who were furious that I had denied them the opportunity to support me. I agreed that they had a point. I guess it depends on the individual family.

If it's a question of keeping things from elderly parents, perhaps it might be an idea to tell them that you're having a routine procedure for something essentially harmless. Depends how sharp-witted the elderly parents are, of course!
All the best to smurf44 with her lymphoma treatment and am glad that the outlook is good!

My Mum got cancer in her 50s and decided not to tell her parents. I think I understand why - her Mum was a worrier and her Dad had no empathy. It was massive shock to them when she died though. Of course, my Grandmother had been worrying anyway, because she'd noticed the physical symptoms. It's a difficult decision, but one each person has to make according to their individual circumstances.

I tell my family everything. I had all this with my mother,living away from her they always ,would hang on till the last minute and then ring to say something was wrong.It takes time to arrange time off from your jobs,and sort out the children,but they seemed not to take this into account. In the end I had a blazing row and the penny seemed to drop after all this.So YES tell your family everything.

We didn’t tell our family when my husband went to A and E in the middle of the night with chest pains. I knew it was not his heart, so felt there was no need, he told them the next day and we were in trouble, but he is a hypochondriac! I am the opposite and when I have a worry I hesitate now to even tell my husband as I have asked him in the past not to say anything when I was only having a test, but he broke my confidence so I can’t trust him. He also told his friends when our daughter-in-law was pregnant and they had only told parents. It was before the twelve weeks, so his friends knew before our close family. That’s awful isn’t it.

"It takes time to arrange time off from your jobs,and sort out the children,but they seemed not to take this into account."
That's a point to keep in mind, steve.