OH has fractured femur - not a good situation

That's pretty decisive lucky. Respite in a home seems to the best bet as you might then feel able to use it again.

You must go Lucky. Of course DH is not going to like it but it will be good for both of you.

Read what Maw said - it will build up your strength and give you a better perspective on the situation.

Oh Yes Go , I was lucky in that various of my Children covered my absence , the carers did what they usually did and the Children kept things on an even keel , but I really needed the break .
Ironically , there is no group holiday this year , but I can manage with being able to potter around outside , or take the bus into town

Go Luckygirl go.

Do whatever it takes to enable you to have this much needed break.

Employ 24 hour carers or arrange for him to have respite care in a home - do whatever it takes but don't lose this opportunity to get away.

It will probably make things easier for you when you return as he will have had to get used to you being away.
He may find that actually he can do more for himself than he thought.

I don't imagine a single person on here will say 'don't go' !

Two years ago I was given the opportunity to go to Sweden for a few days where DD was involved in a play and was living in a holiday house on Gotland. I could not leave Paw even for two hours at the time -but, to be fair he did not require total personal care- but I could not even begin to contemplate it. However I was over ruled. My sister in law came to stay (a retired GP she knew the score) one DD paid my taxi to Heathrow, another paid my flight and it was wonderful.
Only a few days but it absolutely strengthened me for the 6 hellish months which followed and which led up to Paw’s death in November.
Could a DD stay to oversee things with live in carers?
Or surely even (expensive) private respite care would be justified?
A 90+ year old woman I know went into a very nice care home for a week while her husband went to Germany with his choir.
It may be exactly what you need.
Don’t ask “whether” ask “how can it be arranged?”

Just seen your post. I would say definitely go Luckygirl. For your own sanity you will have to make some decisions nowadays which your OH does not like. He probably feels vulnerable and scared, but presumably he is getting used to daily carers now. Sounds as if you can do with the break, and you really need it to keep going. I say this from experience because I almost had a breakdown last year, and it's only my mother, not OH, that I care for. I have reduced my involvement, and the sky hasn't fallen in!

Luckygirl I think you should go but would it be possible to get respite care in a home? DH may not like it but it would give you peace of mind and more enjoyment during your few days away. You need a mental and physical break.

Lucky, you go on the break. You’ve been going for 35 years.
You need to get away. DH is not himself and yes he will tell you not to go. Not even to go into the garden. That’s the unwell man talking. Once you are away he will accept it and you won’t be there to hear him grumbling. The caters will look after him.
The time left to DH is in the lap of the Gods. You can’t live your life thinking “it could be tomorrow”. Allow him to be well looked after by professionals and you go and do what you love, with the bonus of recharging your own batteries.

When my mother was discharged from hospital to a nursing home I saw some dingy rooms that I preferred her not to take. I can understand what Luckygirl is saying, and I think the room, even its aspect, can really affect mood. To leave a loved one in a room which you dislike compounds the guilt, already felt about them going into a home. It's a really awful feeling which many on here have had to cope with I know. Sometimes for your sake and theirs it's the only solution and for the best, but not always easy to get to that point. I'm still on the way!

Surely one or other of your DDs could do it? They must see how much you need and deserve a break?

Mad day yesterday - got to x-ray for my knee first thing while carer was here. GP then came out to see OH and sent him by ambulance for an x-ray of his hip, which thankfully is OK in spite of new pain. Then we had to wait 5 hours for transport home! I had to come back earlier in a taxi in the end as my singing group were about to arrive en masse! He was very cross with me for leaving him.

Moral dilemma - have 4 days booked by the seaside for the end of May and incorporating concerts in the local festival. We have done this for 35 years! - although OH did not go to the concerts in the latter years. Do I go and get live-in carers here for him for those few days? I would feel v disappointed not to go - it is a part of the pattern of my life and I love it. But he is dead against it - TBH he does not even like me going into the garden.!

So, what do I do? If I thought that he was in imminent danger of dying I would not even think about it; but he may go on for a long time like this - no-one knows. What to do?

Maintenance did the work so no need to wait for contractors.

The room offered to my dad was needing painted. We took the room on condition it would be done ASAP - he moved in, settled for a week and slept in a different room for a night while they painted and replaced the carpet. It only needed one coat but they did two coats and it made all the difference. The smell of paint didn’t bother him, in fact it freshened the whole place. Main thing was the kindness of the staff.

Oh lucky. it’s not getting any easier is it? I hope this isn’t intrusive but was it the home that was dingy or that particular room? Just wondering if there may be a better room available soon. Your own physical health limits what’s possible and is so important. Of course you must go for the x-ray, it’s essential. You’ve made good provision for your husband. Hope you get a quiet night, the garden centre visit tomorrow sounds just right. Take care.

Thank you for your kind posts.

My DD is coming over later tomorrow so I can go to the garden centre and buy some plants for the containers on the decking - I am really looking forward to this!

I have to get to town for an x-ray to my knee and hip first thing tomorrow. The carers will be here for most of the time, and I will just have to try and get back as speedily as I can. They will leave him in the chair, well padded-up and with his lifeline on - it is far from ideal, but there is nothing else I can do. There is no-one else to be here at that time of day, as girls are all taking children to school. Fingers crossed. He does not try and get up as he cannot. I will tell the reception at x-ray the situation and try and get through quickly. I cannot postpone the x-ray as I am in a lot of pain and need to get tings sorted asap.

We looked at a local home and the room was pretty dingy - I knew he would not settle there. I would have felt so guilty. It was not tenable. I do not know what the future holds - his prognosis is so vague and, to put it crudely, I do not know how long this situation might go on; and the decision as to what can be coped with does to some degree depend on how long it is likely to continue.

Someone is coming tomorrow to look at the possibility of a conveen - I sent off for some night pads and had to laugh when I opened them - they look about right for an elephant rather than my 6 stone OH! But we will give them a go and see what happens.

Oh lucky I do feel for you both having such a frustrating and painful time. Not nearly as difficult as your situation but when caring for my MIL I learnt to use the carers’ visits as my “time off”. There were eventually four visits a day, the longest being the shower and morning dressing so I used to go out for a walk, pick up items from the corner shop. That half hour set me up for the day, having had half an ear open at night. The other visits were shorter, but I could have a quick shower, a quiet coffee and 10 minute crossword and/make a phone call. After MIL was in bed I would watch a recorded tv programme of my own choice and phone my DH ..... so the carers helped MIL but as long as they turned up I got my four little breaks, so they helped us both. Because she ate well, so did I. This is more difficult for you I know but do try to make quick easy meals eggs, or a piece of fish to keep you going. I wish you strength for the difficulties you are facing.

Hello Lucky, just checking that you're OK and managed to get some sleep. Hope your aches and pains are under control too.

The others are right Lucky, you need respite because if you don't get support soon, you will need care too. Keep chipping away at the authorities however exhausting. It's inhuman to expect you to bear the burden of this situation alone. Live-in carers would be very expensive, but maybe you could have them for a little while just until you feel stronger again.

Respite would be a very good idea.
You will be able to recharge your batteries and have some decent nights sleep.
Even getting out and about.
If you arrange this yourself you will have to pay the full fees but I got SS involved after my H's stroke and they gave me 6weeks a year, heavily subsidised by them.

That's a very kind post ann. A few of us have suggested that but without your experience to back it up. I hope lucky reads that and takes it to heart. Even a bit of respite would help, I think.

I absolutely hated having to put my H into a care home but frankly it was the best thing I could have done.
Even after a few days people remarked how much better I looked and one said all the weight of my problems seemrd to have been lifted off my shoulders.
I had the huge advantage that my H didnt understand but he did know that I couldn't cope anymore, that message did get through.
You may have to think the unthinkable.
Please, please think hard and long.

Luckygirl I'm sorry things are so difficult at present. It's hard to switch off when you are living with someone isn't it. Are you able to get out of the house for short periods even if its only to visit family or friends.
I think you need to get help sooner rather than later, you need to be honest with everyone and say its too much for you to do given your own health limitations.
momb had a good point about medication levels.
I too wish I could help but can only send thoughts and love,

Looking back over the posts on this subject it has been going on for a month now. Surely someone in the health care sector can see the stress and exhaustion that poor Luckygirl is having to deal with apart from all the sheer hard work it takes to look after someone physcially let alone mentally.
Shame on our current welfare system for allowing this to happen in the 21st centuary!!!!

Luckygirl it sounds like both you and your husband are in a bad way. The GP has a duty of care. Call him/her out and let them see how bad things are for you and that you are now in such a state that it's hard for you to see how to continue. I don't know what they might do but any GP worth their salt would do something!

Thinking of you lucky. Does your DH's medication for anxiety need reviewing?