OH has fractured femur - not a good situation

I'm so glad to hear good news for you and your dh, lucky. I hope it is the start of a more positive period for you.

What a relief that your husband now has someone who can deal with his needs and who he can relate to.

I think it's all summed up in your final paragraph above Lucky. A happier outcome all round.

The male carer sounds ideal lucky, the relationship with your husband is so important. I hope this evenings experience was as positive and you will both rest tonight.

That is really good news, I continue to send kind thoughts and wish you a quiet and peaceful night

Great news that he accepted the carer well, and even warmed to him and felt comfortable. So much better for professional carers to deal with all the 'physical' care- allowing family and yourself to care and love for him as a person.

Let's hope that the system will work and become easier day by day. xxx

How lovely to hear some good news. I don't expect it will be all plain sailing from here, but I do hope that the improvement in general will continue and that your lives will be better. Shall be thinking of you.

The carer came for the first time today - a lovely quietly spoken man of a bout 50 and my OH really warmed to him. He tackled all the necessary jobs - just quietly getting on with it all. OH is very quietly spoken so they fitted well. A woman is coming tonight and I hope she too will be as good.

I am still reeling from what the costs will be, but already there is a sense that I can just let go of the caring tasks and their attendant worries; and it is good to think that our DD's can relate to him as Dad again, rather than finding themselves helping to change his pads - which they did very willingly; but it is not a job for them really.

Lucky I hope you get whatever help you think you need and help , especially physical help , not namby pamby promises , to make your Husband comfortable and help your care as well

I have to say I agree with those who feel you should see if that room is still available, even if only temporarily while you sort this horrendous care muddle out. It is clearly too much for you to cope with Lucky - anyone with half a brain can see that. I also agree with the suggestions that you seek legal advice to help secure the care package that your OH needs and you deserve.

You and your OH have been catastrophically let down by all the services that should be there to care for you both. All our lives we've believed that we would be able to turn for help to the NHS and other agencies as we age and fall ill. The reality today is far from that image we've carried in our heads all these years. It seems that as long as there is someone - anyone - to take over the care, no matter how unwell, unfit or downright physically unable to do so - then these authorities turn their backs and do all they can to shrug off any responsibility to provide help.

Please keep fighting Lucky and don't for one minute worry about "grumbling". Dear God, you've got every right to be screaming from the rooftops. Hugs and

Have you thought about your local housing associations who may run flexicare schemes.We have one locally and they take people in for recouperation after being in hospital. The person's SW usually insitagate this for you if it is available in your area. .Might be worth looking into.It is not a permanent situation but may help short term.They deal with everything in the way of personal care, medication, laundry and deal with meals too, you can just go and visit for all day if you wish. It would mean you can go home and rest properly knowing your DH is well taken care of. for you.

Nobody could possibly say that you haven't done your absolute best for your poor husband.
If he was his old self what would he want you to do? If that room is still available, even for long enough for you to really organise care at home and have a rest yourself, then surely it makes sense to snap it up?

Jennifer Eccles- I feel the same that it would have made sense to take the room and make simple and quick improvements with personal effects and a bit of colour. Perhaps still possible- as it seems clear that it will be just too much for you- quite understandably so. This would NOT be a failure of care at all, au contraire. Hugs xxx

I can't help feeling Luckygirl that it would have been better if you had taken that offered room in the care home, at least temporarily. You mentioned that it was a bit dingy but couldn't it have been brightened up with some colourful odds and ends along with personal touches?

Your husband has only been home a few days but you are already discovering just how hard it will be caring for him, even with help from carers which you admit will add to your stress.

Is he expected to make a reasonably good recovery? If all this is only temporary then that would be a comfort to you. I guess once he puts on weight and gets his strength back a bit, then physiotherapy will be provided to build up his muscles.

Call that grumbling? Never! You are simply expressing your heartfelt feelings as you cope with a very distressing and physically draining situation.

It's not right that the love you two have had for each other over the years, is being eroded by the demands of caring for your OH in circumstances beyond the control of either of you. The system which we - I certainly- believed would never leave people in this dire situation is inhuman. You are both being let down over and over, and it's shocking that you're being left to cope.

A quick internet search turned up many lawyers some of whom offer pro bono advice. Just reading them may give you a lead on how to present your thoughts to officials.

See for example: Section 4.6 of the Age UK Factsheet No 43. I think you may find it useful.

There’s good advice here, advice from a specialist solicitor is worth consideration, what you’re being told seems contradictory as well as unreasonable. Be honest about it all with the GP lucky, carers need care too. I hope you manage some rest.

Grumble away!! And do consider some respite care while you catch your breath.

Thank you for your ideas; and thank you to ann for her honesty.

I too feel differently about my OH - trying not to is quite beyond me. It means a lot to me that you have shared this thought and that you are able to take the very sensible view of not reproaching yourself - I found that very helpful. Many thanks.

His personality pops up now and again; but much of what he says is out of character now. I will have to try and think positively about the carers - I cannot manage without them, as I cannot even get him up from a chair. His muscles are so week and his ability to co-operate with these things is very limited.

This week has been burdened with the additional problem of me being in a lot of pain from hip and knee. Seeing doc tomorrow while carers are here. If it was not for this, I could pop out for a short walk down the road while carers are in action.

Grumble, grumble...........

I was going to suggest contacting a solicitor.. if you Google 'Solicitors for the Elderly', you might just get some joy.

Another suggestion is talking to AgeUk. Maybe one of your daughters can do that.

You are being very brave but must make sure you are not being too brave!

Luckygirl.
I found the carers coming in was a stress on top of stress.
I obviously needed them for morning dressing and shower but was getting up at 7am to be ready for them.
Bearing in mind I was over80 when this started.
I eventually cut the weekend visits out so that we at least had a lie in, a joke really, for two mornings.
The intimate personal care was very hard , especially when it became " both functions" ,we do it because we feel we should, for better or worse syndrome but it eventually took its toll in the way I coped and quite frankly in the way I felt about my H.
Now it is all over I do not reproach myself in any way, I did what I had to do until I could do it no longer.
I send you my heartfelt good wishes and strength to carry on.

Can the Parkinson's society help?

Lucky, is there a hospice near you that runs a hospice at home service? The other thing is I think there are solicitors that deal with Continuing care. Just the threat of legislation might get a result.
Feel very frustrated because I feel with good nursing care he could be a lot more comfortable and you would be less stressed.
Wishing you all the best.

District nursing assistant came - unable to do anything about the things that need sorting: constipation and catheter. She will arrange for district nurse to come tomorrow.

Care agency pulled out at last moment but I managed to get another agency who came and care has been arranged for 3 x a day from tomorrow. I will see how it goes and perhaps drop the middle of day visit, which is mainly needed if he needs to be got onto commode. There is a bit of me that feels that the carers coming in and out is going to carry its own exhausting elements - e.g. tomorrow it is a man, so I will have to get up early and not be in my nightie!

NHS rang to turn down application for care.

SSD rang to ask if there is "anything we can do" - no nothing that you do not want me to pay for. Perhaps I would like to contact their "Welfare and Finance Team" about a means test? - welfare my arse!!!

I really do not think I am up to all this - another night of paranoia which made sleep somewhat elusive. I may sleep in the spare room tonight. And already dealing with bodily fluids is beginning to lose its charm. Perhaps I am just not cut out for this. Hats off to those of you who have done/are doing this - you have all my admiration.

I’ve been thinking of you today Lucky and hoping this meeting will finally get something done for you xx

I too have been thinking of you today Lucky and hope something gets resolved quickly.

Thinking of you today x