Black dog gang

Thank you so much for your response and yes such a hard place to be Dawn22 I've been the same about my children and I think it's all due to my dysfunctional family as well ... my father was an abusive bully towards me, my siblings and my Mom, a legacy I was determined to protect my boys from. Such heavy burdens for sure. l completely understand how you must be dreading your son's departure though, I keep trying to remind myself that we only have them 'on loan' but when you've suffered as a child (not sure what happened for you too Dawn) I think it does leave you feeling incredibly insecure and extremely lonely - that solid base of knowing "you're alright" just doesn't exist. I too am always looking for ways to cope with it all. But it is wonderful to have one another to talk to, offload to and generally feel 'understood' by each other. It's keeping me going at the moment tbh. I really do hope you've had a decent kind of day? I pushed myself to do some tidying up in the garden and although I'm not enjoying anything at the moment with this depression, at least I've achieved something today. Take good care of yourself/yourselves everyone - sending you all a virtual hug

No apology needed nonnie, these days come and we get through them. I have such a longing to go back to New Quay, West Wales, always loved it there , my husband and I
(I sound like the queen ), had such plans to retire there.

I looked at it on google earth, I saw my husband proposing to me on a beach near the village, I saw my parents sitting on deck chairs , my darling elder daughter from babyhood until her teens running on the beach, on the harbour wall, building sand castles, jumping with excitement waiting to get on a boat to see the dolphins . I can’t go back, we can never go back to what once was , I am so thankful I had those times but they are no more.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you nonnie x

Thanks Blue and Annie. I want to say something positive to you all but am having such a bad day, one thing after another coming up and reminding me of my son, all good things but its as if everyone and everything has decided today is the day to remind me.

I start to read other threads where people need help and advice and have to stop, just such a rotten day and I have eaten chocolate as comfort food and it doesn't work but I knew that before I ate it and still did. I tell myself that crying is good but it doesn't feel like it. Sorry all

Depression can be caused by physical problems , and not all depression is reactive depression , we hear ‘ I am depressed but I have no reason to be depressed ‘ , it’s still depression and just as distressing as reactive depression. Perhaps clinical depression can in some ways be more difficult because there is nothing which can explain why it’s decended but it has.

Nonnie of course you will never accept your son's death. It's a mother's worst nightmare and all I can say is that I feel for you, there are no words of course. As I said in my post above to Annie, you would have all the reasons to question other people's depression when in fact they never had such losses. But as others have said mental illness is an illness, only the outsiders don't see it like they would see a broken leg. Big hug.

Hi all. Hope you get through the weekend and bank holiday.

Yes, we all have 'reasons' for our illness but I don't understand why I recognise mine but still seem to suffer. Surely acknowledging what has gone on before is supposed to help? My sister was bitter about our childhood until her death but I haven't been. I think I faced it and accept it. The only person who truly understands is my cousin and we talk about it.

The only thing I don't expect to ever accept is the death of my son because we will never know why he died. Why do I get flashbacks about other things? Don't feel able to list it all here as I am anonymous.

You have said it all Annie bless you!

Right, this is not a cry for pity my friends, I am no different to all here. I have had knocks, been in a mental hospital twice, suffered dependency on ‘ mothers little helpers’ .

Had a wonderful childhood, so much love. 1966 my village where I grew up suffered a disaster , horrific, the answer then was not talking therapy, the miracle cure ? tranquilizers.

1971 severe post natal depression after the birth of my second daughter, into a mental hospital, again the cure ‘mothers little helpers’ caused a convulsion. Then the shame of being ‘in there’,

1973 a still birth. 1974 a still birth. 1975 my husband died in a car crash, cure ? Yes ‘mothers little helpers’. 1976 mental hospital, depression and eating disorder , cure ? not the usual , instead I was told to cry, eat, walk, do craft work .
Came home and again I had been ‘in there’.

My husband loved gardening, I had to do it, ‘had to’ became ‘want to’.

I have bored you with all this so you will know if I can come through depression, anxiety, grief so can you.

Thank God Valium and such isn’t dished out now, when I worked at coming off them I asked my GP, ‘ why was I given them’, he said ‘we thought we were helping, we were wrong’.

Since then I have spoken out about mental illness , when my darling daughter developed bi polar 11 years ago I even went to the Welsh Assembly to fight for more money for rehabs.

I share what you are all suffering, Joce when I was widowed with a 5 and 7 year old I feared every illness known
to man, my daughters needed me.

BlueSky you don’t need to have experienced what I have, it’s like saying ‘I shouldn’t speak about one break in my leg because she has two breaks in her leg.

Depression and anxiety strikes , if because of a reason or no reason, the feelings are the same, can be a hell.

I am having EMDR therapy, next Wednesday I have booked for Reiki healing.

Please don’t think ‘I have nothing to live for’ we all have, be it the love of our dogs, gardening, walking, when the Black Dog strikes all is not lost, the sun will still shine, even in Wales !. You are lovely people, and I assure you, we are strong, even dragging ourselves out of bed when we want to stay under the duvet proves this.

Be sunflowers and face the sun my lovely friends , you are not alone and you are strong.

Here endeth the epistle x

Morning MaggieTulliver and thank you for asking. I get to sleep OK but of late wake at a ridiculous time, usually around 5am and then that's it! And yes I do know why, I've had a few really nasty emotional family upsets for a couple of months (resolved now but the damage has been done to my nervous system and I just can't pick myself up). But please let me say how sorry I am ton hear of your struggle today as well. I completely understand how you must feel about the 'Big C' having lost a dear friend and three brothers to it, it's incredibly hard to get over the fear. No wonder you're struggling. Thank you for giving me an insight about your doggie, honestly can't come fast enough for me to have one! But please please don't feel pathetic, you're actually being very brave ... The I think we all are on here, it's a real battle each and every day for us too. Sending you a virtual hug until later

Morning all. Annie your tragic events make me think what have I got to be depressed about? And that's what people say and some like yourself would be justified in saying. Like most people I've had my share of sadness but not on the scale you and others on here have had to endure. But we know that depression and anxiety don't work like that. Hope you'll have a good day

Morning Annie, I know what it’s like when there’s a family fall out. My sister don’t talk any more haven’t for the past 16years they wouldn’t let me go to my mother whe she was dying, she only lived across the road. She had lived with me for 3 years before moveing. I am ok with it now it’s a very long story. But I think I am better of with out them in my life, now I do feel some peace. Not nice people and who needs people that can be so bad ..

It does indeed help Joce! You can share your fears on here and I think that helps lessen them a little.

Morning Maggie.. I also have heath anxiety I think every think is cancer. Now I won’t even go to the doctors the last time I saw her pull a face at me ... I don’t think it ever goes away but sometimes only sometimes I can get past it.. if I get something in my head it can last for months horrible I do know how you feel.. I am not very good with words but I am hear always. It help to know someone else has the same anxiety ..

Annie we did get through Easter so we can get through this. I will pack my bag today and tomorrow as I am going down to London to care for my daughter after her hip replacement then going on to Brighton to my son's for DGD's 4th birthday so what have I got to be sad about?
No logic!

Annie you sound such a lovely person and I'm sure once you get out again you'll have no problem connecting with people. Fo you have any visitors?

Dragonfly we got through Easter x

Morning Dragonfly, what are you doing today?

Good morning all x

I can certainly relate to empty nest. I moved to another part of town 2017 to be nearer my elder daughter who was so ill.
In that one year, there was a disagreement between me and my three sisters, they haven’t contacted me since. We were so close. My darling daughter died that year, last year my three grandchildren moved away, my daughters suicide had been so distressing for them.

So in less than two years, my darling daughter died, my grandchildren I saw them nearly every day from birth , moved away, no contact with my sisters. My husband died 43 years . All that brought on depression and agoraphobia.
Isolation is so hard but I will go out again, I don’t even know my neighbours.

Joce I hope if you start doing something you'll feel a bit better. Dawn, how old is the son living with you? You are right to talk about feeding anxiety - we need to find ways to starve it.

Oh well it is Sunday again and I am in the pits. Monday may be as bad as it is a bank holiday.

Morning CanOnly Try. How did you sleep? Do you know why you are feeling so bad at the monent? My dog sleeps with me and it's so comforting to wake to him on the pillow next to me. Make it your mission to find that special dog, you'll know when you meet them. He inspires me because he greets each day with joy and finds happiness in the smallest things (a good sniff). I was a bit better at bedtime but beyond anxious again now in the morning. It's so tiring! I now have terrible health anxiety as well as generalised anxiety and think every little symptom is cancer. It seems to be since my dad died of it and my brother wad diagnosed. Now my sister-in-law whose in her 50s is also now terminal. I'm hoping I can find help because it's ruining my life. I feel so pathetic when I think of the brave souls who have it. Wishing you all a peaceful Sunday morning.

Morning Annie hope you are not feeling so bad this morning. X Morning all, errr these morning so bad none stop crying up to now. It will pass..

Canonlytry
Yes l can relate to much of what you say. I too am experiencing retirement for myself and my oh plus anxiety in both of us due to the above plus empty nest plus family dysfunction in the wider family. Heavy burdens to carry. My children were everything to me due to the wider family difficulties and now l have only one out of three at home and l dread his departure.
I felt very lonely on waking this morning as l often do. I came on here and was glad to post and make a connection with everyone.
Thank you canonlytry for sharing your experience.
Empty nest, and all the above feed anxiety etc. I am always looking for ways to overcome.
Take care and talk soon. Dawn

Thank you for your encouragement too MaggieTulliver to be honest getting a 'rescue' is what's keeping me going at the moment because I'm in such a bad place and I know what joy these little ones can bring to your life. Good to see your posts in that you sound as if you've picked up a bit, I hope so anyway but on the other hand I think we go up and down don't we. Yes it is good to find one another on here, the mutual support is wonderful ?

Anniebach sorry to hear about your granddaughters car, I order my plants for my pot from Hayloft plants and Crocus plants.