Worried about Mum

Tillybelle. Thank you for that and your brilliant posts. I agree with you. Yes, I worry about her all the time but she is quite capable of making her own decisions. Whatever I think, I do not say. I respect the fact that she makes her own choices and she has always said she would never go into a home, she said she would walk into the sea rather than that. I look after her as best I can from a distance, I phone every day, I get everything she needs online, I arrange home food shopping delivery which she likes. When I buy anything she’s asked me to get, I always tell her it’s half the price that it actually is. I wish she lived a little nearer but again it was her choice to live on the coast and she has enjoyed it for the last 33 years. I visit as often as I possibly can and always stay at least a week to do jobs, tidy cupboards, take her to appointments etc. No worries with personal hygiene, she’s in the shower every day, and her house is spotless, even though she has many health problems.

I entirely agree with you Foxyferret and Tillybelle - it's my intention to support my mum in living the way she wants to as long as she is able and willing to make her own decisions. It seems up to me however to ensure that she knows what help is available - whether or not she chooses to accept it, so that she can make informed decisions as and when the need arises. 'Allowing' a person to make their own decisions reminds me of my late father - had PD and was being cared for in a nursing home due largely to tracheotomy complications. I used to take him home on visits - and off he would go into his garage and attempt stuff with his power tools - now that was scary!! Thanks for all your posts on here - have given me food for thought and opened my eyes somewhat.

Farawaynanny. So sorry to hear your Dear Mum has passed away. What good news to hear how she enjoyed being in the Care Home and how happy her last months were where she chose to stay! I hope all goes well on Monday and that the wonderful age your DM reached will comfort you as you give thanks for her life. With Love Elle x ???

Foxyferret. Thank you so much! I think you are a wonderful daughter! You wouldn't fancy taking me on would you?!! Your mum is very lucky! Bless you! Lots of love, Elle x ??

I entirely agree with you, Pollyanna2, very well said, that you doing your best to "ensure that she knows what help is available" so she can make informed decisions. That's a really important point and she is very lucky to have you doing the research for her. She might even agree to looking at some places, who knows? I doubt it, but should she ever be incapacitated, say have a broken leg, and she has seen a nice place with her own room that she might be able to relax in, if such a need were to occur (Please God Not!) then she may be mentally prepared for such an adjustment. I had taken my mum to a beautiful place not far from her home before her Dementia became very bad, and she loved it, because the view was of the same hills as from her own house. I wanted her to have a "feeling" of acceptance if such a thing were possible, because in her case there was no choice once she was very badly affected. What a time you had with your dad! I can imagine it because of my mum. She was very fit and strong too and my back was already damaged so I couldn't hold on to her very well! If she decided to go off somewhere it was a nightmare! Like trying to keep a wilful pony from shying away!
How I hope I do not do this to my children! Oh dear, as we keep saying... old age!!!
But Pollyanna2, the more you write, the more I feel you will manage very well with your mum. Bless you, you are such a kind and loving daughter. Do try not to anticipate disasters or fear the future. With love, Elle x ???

Is there an Abbeyfield near you? They are not for profit so way cheaper than normal residential homes. The one near us is wonderful. I wish my mother was in an Abbeyfield house. She lives with us and talking about her is our main topic of conversation-her carers, her shopping needs, her meals, her doctors appointments...it never ends. DH and I argue more than we ever used to and are constantly tired. We feel like servants.

What about some respite care ? sounds like she would not want to go, but if you said it was a holiday for two weeks and she would come back after to her home, she may agree. Would also give you time to spend with your own family and have a holiday or at least some respite from worrying for yourself ,..it is not selfish at all and it sounds as if you are doing all you can. Since my husband died and I sold our bigger house, ready to move back to the UK I am renting a holiday chalet but I KNOW if/when/ I can no longer cope or wish to try to cope, on my own I would prefer to be with other people and not living a lonely life n a house I could no longer manage or a garden …..which is why I have bought a retirement flat with extra care when or if required …...I have no family that live anywhere within500 miles of where I will be and would NOT expect them to care for me if I did ! My husband's daughter never phoned him, came to see him, or even when he was in his last weeks of life and I gave her the number of his bedside phone she was 'too busy' to call him ...I am therefore very annoyed that under French law (where we live) she will inherit part of the sale proceeds which he did not want...…………...so please GO and research homes (you can do it online they should have a CQC report) or Age UK can advise ..it will not be the first time they have been asked for advice...………..good luck

Thanks Tillybelle, she tells me I am a wonderful daughter but I think I do what most would do. She looked after me for years, now the tables are reversed I do what I can.

I entirely agree with you Foxyferret and Tillybelle. All I want to do is support my mum in making her own decisions about her life for as long as she wants to and is able. I feel it's up to me though to make sure she knows what help and choices are actually available to her - so she can make 'informed decisions'. So I worry about whether I've researched everything enough... Thinking of 'allowing' people to make their own choices - reminds me of my late father, with advanced PD and in a nursing home due to tracheotomy complications - I used to take him home on visits and he would take himself off to the garage and do stuff with his power tools. That was scary!! Thanks for all your comments on here, you have given me some interesting and useful pointers and food for thought.

Oh - sorry - I posted that twice!! Didn't think it went on the first time?

We looked after my elderly parents, they were 88 and 90 when they died. We lived over 60 miles away and travelled every day for around a year to ensure that we could meet their needs. We made food, froze it and transported it to them so that they (eventually carers) could defrost and then reheat in the microwave.
We sorted power of attorney, medical and money
Installed a key safe
Installed a telephone system, where they could call for help (pendant) in case of falls etc (lifeline)
They managed initially on their own.
Mother refused point black to go into a care home, even for respite/day care. Dad tried one care home for a day, didn't like it and never went to another.
We managed until eventually until the social worker said you are doing too much and got carers in although we still travelled daily, luckily we were both retired.
We did what we needed to do and spent some quality time with them before they died.

Mother-in-law is 97 and is at home with carers 4 times a day and a lady going in every day to check everything is ok. We visit every other week (2 hour journey each way) and keep up to date with the lady going in every day. She is absolutely wonderful and we would never have kept mum at home without her. Mum desperately wants to be in her own home. We just keep going solving problems as they come and have found that as each milestone comes, in her heart she knows she has to accept it and she does. We face each challenge when it appears as you just can’t plan for everything. Good luck Pollyanna2. We can only do what we think and feel is best at the time. I just know in our case mum treasures every day she is in her own home with wonderful people(ie the carers etc) helping her.

Yes Thebeeb, we can only see how things go and do our best at the time. Think I see some changes afoot now - after visiting my mum every 4 weeks, staying for a few days, for the past 12 years or so , I now see I need to visit more often. At the same time talk to her community nurse and see what she advises. I so wish I lived nearer ....

JANH - I have POA for mum, she has emegency pendant (lifeline) and key safe outside. She's living on mostly cold snacks - has declined any help with meals - deliveries of frozen meals or anything like that - won't even let me cook for her in her kitchen, but accepts sandwiches from M&S which are pre- packaged (uncontaminated in her eyes). I'm looking for sanwiches that can be safely frozen....