This live-in carer is driving me insane!!!

No matter how sorry we feel for this woman, it's really not your problem, Luckygirl. She's there to help solve your difficulties, not add to them. You shouldn't be the one to 'mend' her so inform the agency it's not working out and you want someone new.

I guess the difficulty is firstly that I feel sorry for her; and secondly that she would have to stay here till another carer was found.; and that could be awkward - I do not have the strength to deal with that at the moment.

I am pretty fed up with the agency as getting the 2 carers we have had was a nightmare - they took it right up to the wire to get the second (this) carer for a handover in spite of me ringing and ringing and saying they needed to get on the case and send us some profiles so we would have some choice. They did not come up with any options until 2 days before the changeover and that left us little choice. This is going to keep happening at every changeover and it is just too stressful.

It is a national agency and I think they just act as a conduit - they do not get involved in training or anything.

What I have done is to send them 2 weeks notice, as I am obliged to do, and have asked a local agency to call in and make an assessment. I suspect it will cost me a bit more, but at least we will get to meet the carers face-to-face rather than online and via the phone. The local agency does do lots of training and their base is literally just down the road so I will feel I can keep tabs on things.

It is such a minefield at a time when it would be great if things were simple.

Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas. They are much appreciated.

Don't feel sorry for her, you are paying for services which she seems unable to provide. It's a contract, a transaction and you are not receiving value for money.

ps she is there to relieve your worries and stress, not add to them.

We're all here with you!

Why not put an ad in The Lady magazine Luckygirl
Almost £800pw seems a lot if she's getting bed and board as well as not giving your DH any company.
Good luck.
Agencies are not always the best place to find carers.

Luckygirl
After reading B9exchange's post...I don't think it's your job to be her nursemaid/counsellor.
She should be well aware of what her
job entails and have been interviewed by the agency about her suitability for the jobs she was sent to, befire being sent. She should also have vetted references from previous positions and a current EDBS certificate.
Any reputable agency would not send out someone who acts as your employee does.

befire before

Sounds as if you’ve made a good decision to use a local agency now lucky. They will have more sense of you and your husband as people and are close by to deal with any problems. I’m sorry you’ve had more stress. The first time we do anything it’s hard and sadly things often don’t often turn out quite right. You know what you need and want now - and also what you don’t want. Hope the assessment gives you confidence.

The carer is likely being paid £400/500 per week, gross, the rest is the agency fees.

There will always be something that irritates you about someone living in your home but you need to be comfortable with their presence at least!

I used to work agency jobs as well as my NHS full time work. I I used to do sleep-ins and it can be very nice work or a nightmare. One well known gentlemen I looked after used to watch porn films all day. His wife lived in a cottage in the grounds with her girlfriend. I was paid £1500 per week which was fantastic but he was an absolute nightmare to look after and other agencies had refused to work at his very large house. On another occasion the son of a woman I was looking after wanted to know if I would have sex with him and if I said no he would tell the agency I miss treated his mother. Most of the jobs were very nice people and lovely families but not all.

OMG Driverann that sounds awful! I'm not surprised that there seem to be recruitment issues. This sort of employment is not everyone's cup of tea.
That doesn't help poor Luckygirl though. If only her DH could have stayed in the hospice for respite. Such good care there by the sound of it.

You say she hates the sun. Is she Chinese by any chance?

No - Scottish! - maybe the sun is so rare where she comes from!

She has suddenly started to thaw a bit this morning - so I will wait and see how it goes.

driverann - £1500 a week - not bad!

Ouch, Luckygirl !
Perhaps she needs more direction, some people are not good at using their initiative especially when they are new.

Maybe, she was ill last week and didn't say anything? Could you write a list and sort of " demonstrate"?

a paid carer should not need any directing.......just given simple instructions.
clearly the agency is at fault.

do not get caught up in feeling sorry for the carer.......you have yourself and your DH to take care of.

a good agency train their staff....i have close friend doing this work and they had a lot of training plus they have already 15 years work experience in the NHS .
That is more the level you should expect...someone who knows what to do.
Accept nothing less for your sake.

I hope you can easily find a local agency. It should not be hard, and perhaps social services can recommend one?

I think that having a stranger living in your home is bound to be very tough for both parties. It is not always easy for a carer to know what sort of relationship that their clients want/expect.

While some will want a friendly person who chats over a cuppa in the kitchen -others will be expecting a more Upstairs/Downstairs relationship (I have read of people getting angry if the home carer sat in the kitchen/living room). So it is difficult for the carer to suss out

I don't know whether she is working a lot of unsociable hours caring for your DH but she may have taught herself to catnap while working so that she can cope. Or she might have the blinds down because she watches a lot of movies on Netflix in her spare time.

When my FiL was receiving end of life care my MiL had to contact the agency about one of his carers - she just wasn't quite what they were looking for. It's absolutely fine to say that a particular carer isn't the right fit for your family, and if the carer is as experienced as she and the agency are telling you she is then she should have established your expectations and be working to them - it shouldn't be up to you to do that or to try and second guess why she isn't.

I guess the difficulty is firstly that I feel sorry for her

Okay but you are effectively "sponsoring" her to the tune of £800. If you had that much money to give to charity would she be your charity of choice?

A lot of people would have reacted more harshly. You need to let yourself off the hook now x

Thanks for all the advice. I hardly dare say this.......shhh.........but she seems to be a bit better today. I will hang on in there and see where this goes.

The agency I am using is cheaper than most so I need to try and make this work as the bank will get broken a bit slower. I am loathe to seek a replacement as the process involved in getting this one at all was tortuous and difficult and I am not sure I have the strength to do it all again so soon.

Saw my counsellor this morning and said how much I miss the sea (as I was brought up in the coast) and she said I should go on a day trip - great idea!

I think you must have the patience of a saint Luckygirl. You shouldn’t have to put up with a carer like that. I wish you luck in sorting this out.

Good thinking Luckygirl. Perhaps this woman does realise all you and MrLucky have been through and continue to go through, and is wary of seeming over friendly or too jolly. I hope things continue to improve with her.

Perhaps she’s very shy or struggles with relationships. I know it’s not your job to look after her but have you asked her if she would like to eat a meal with you in the evening. If she is autistic or has Aspergers she may need to tale the lead from you as to what sort of relationship you want. Perhaps you need to tell her what you like her to do and see how she takes it.

If you are paying £800 per week, do you not at least get to interview??

I agree with Doodle.
When young, I had very little idea of social skills and would have been terrible in that job.
I wouldn't have taken such a job but this girl may have had little choice.

Perhaps giving her a lead in how you'd like her to behave could sort things out without the stress of getting someone else.