This live-in carer is driving me insane!!!

Hope it continues to improve Lucky but - you're paying the agency to provide a service that works for you. You aren't responsible for making life ok for the carer though of course, you'd be a fair employer x

Many aspects of Luckygirl'sexperience of care for a sick partner are really worrying. My MIL had old age care - for dementia (which lasted for 20 years!) in a home. Her house was sold to fund it but I believe the nursing care element was paid for by the local authority.

Can I ask what happens to people who cannot find £800 a week (£3200 per four week month) to pay for carers? It's a huge amount of money to find. I presume the NHS kicks in, so it's all means tested?

If anything happened to OH (or me) that involved live-in care, there wouldn't be funds to pay for it, because our meagre savings wouldn't last very long at all.

I suppose a live in carer is doing a day and night shift (with lots of breaks in between) so it's likely to be an expensive posting, and I imagine a hospital/hospice bed would cost the NHS much more per patient. However, I cannot be the only one who feels for Luckygirl and the difficulties she has experienced, but is also terrified that the system is creaking and seems broken, the care is patchy and often poor, and the expense is enormous.

Perhaps giving her a lead in how you'd like her to behave could sort things out without the stress of getting someone else

She is not failing to do mechanical tasks which could be taught. She is failing to be a companion which is not easily taught!

You can put up with and teach someone who is a bit slow on the uptake with the technical task, but has a carers personality.

Not so much the other way round.

OP put an ad in The Lady & gumtree etc x

People are not the responsibility of the NHS unless they need actual medical treatment.
Long term care is the responsibility of social services.

Like Jura, I think she may believe that is what you require. I can say I'd rather have a silent efficient carer than one who does vapid chattiness. Why not simply tell her you want her to talk about the weather, ask if you are going anywhere on holiday, ask at frequent intervals "Is that more comfortable?" etc., talk about what is going on in the neighbourhood, describe how she cooked the dinner, make jokes about Boris Johnson/Jeremy Corbyn? Does she actually know what her patient is interested in?

I cared for someone who dreaded chatty women.

I have a close friend with Aspergers (properly diagnosed btw) and he really does need a list of what to do and when, a script, his wife calls it.

He is totally unable to use initiative and if 'put your plate in the dishwasher' is not on his list for Friday, despite it being there almost every day of his 27 year marriage, he doesn't do it.

I fail to see how Luckygirls 'carer' got her job, doesn't the agency screen people at all?
They could be sending out axe murderers (always my mother's fear when she needed home help).

I hope you go ahead with the local agency assessment at least, then you will at least know, if push comes to (over the cliff) shove, what they're like.

Just as a matter of interest to no one at all, what she is paid per week, is quite a bit more than I have to live on each month.

I am sure that the agency takes a big cut BradfordLass!

The NHS is obliged in law to provide care for people whose illness and its effects are of sufficient complexity and intensity. Each area interprets this differently and it is a complete lottery. I am working to try and get the dice thrown our way, because this is not means tested and the whole cost would be paid.

At the moment I am funding the care out of OH's savings and unless I get some help, will finish up having to take equity release quite soon. The second system working along side the NHS funding is SS - and we are hoping that, whatever happens with the NHS bid, we will get about £200 a week from SSD, which would stretch the funds a bit longer.

I do have some savings of my own (which SSD are not allowed to ask about) but I do not want to dip into that as there a several house maintenance big expenses looming.

Also Luckygirl I hate to say it but you have to think of your requirements, maybe not now but a few years down the line. You want to have some funds. Are you sure you will have to go down the equity release route when your needs now and in the future have not been considered?

SSD certainly wanted to know about my own savings including Premium bonds.
They were not allowed to consider those but they wanted to know.
I assumed they wanted to check if we had transferred large sums to stop those being used ( some hope).

If or when my H’s money ran out, I would have been expected to use those for myself until only £10,000 was left and then I could apply for benefits for myself.
That thought filled me with horror as this did happen to a friend of mine whose H had very little pension of his own.

They were out of order there ann - they are absolutely prohibited to ask about a partner's finances. The only situation in which that would be legitimate would be if, when scrutinising the "patient"'s finances it was obvious that there had been a recent transfer to the partner's account. They can then ask about it as they need to make sure that funds have not been diverted in order to avoid payment for care. No-one asked me what I had - I could have had £millions for all they knew.

Is the case if the couple are married as opposed to cohabiting or in a partnership? If married - does that mean that sole name accounts of the spouse are not looked at for the purpose of personal care?

Luckygirl, why not put an ad in the local paper stating skills required maybe including occasional companionship, or nursing experience or whatever are your priorities? When you interview her you will get an idea of the sort of companion she'd be for your husband.
You would be paying and she'd be receiving payment without agency costs.

SirChenjin - married or not, the partner's finances are not allowed to be taken into account during a social services means test.

Alexa - the problem with putting an ad in and going privately would be that I would become responsible for all the vetting procedures, and also sorting NI etc, just as you have to when you employ a nanny. And the agency takes responsibility for finding a replacement if carer becomes ill.

I wasn’t aware of that - I have to say that I always thought that finances within a marriage would be considered as joint income for the purposes of such assessments. You live and learn ?

Lucky many carers work on a self-employed basis - they submit an invoice.

Riverwalk I did just that! I was interviewed by the client and his valued and efficient friend who responded to my own ad. I think they possibly took up references too. In actual fact, my client and his friend selected me partly because we shared interests in driving, cars, cookery, and hygiene, and talked about stuff the same way.

Sorry, I haven't read all the comments here. However, Lucky, I would not hesitate in letting the agency know that this person is not suitable as a carer, even if she is doing the basics! Your OH is your first priority, and you are the second priority. There are other agencies and other carers. You and your OH need someone around who brings some sunshine into your lives. You are paying £800! This carer is not your responsibility!

I've now read all the comments, Lucky, and I agree with most of them, but not the patronising ones who seem to think you have an obligation to the carer - you don't. Please let us know how you get on.

Well....here is a report back from me. She has thawed! And she is making a really good job of caring for OH. He quite likes her slight "distance" and appreciates her business-like approach. She is still a bit odd; but she has adapted to our routines and I feel she can be trusted. There is definitely something strange about her, but I have just been biding my time with her and gently trying to encourage her and it does seem to have paid off at the moment. Fingers crossed!

The agency is still a pain for a whole variety of reasons, but I am sticking with them for now as they are about £400 a week less expensive than most other agencies.

I appreciate all the help and advice that came my way when he steam needed to be released!

Oh good, I'm glad the situation is improving. If she's making a good job of caring for your OH that is the main thing, especially if he prefers someone who is rather more detached and efficient.

I know that I would prefer that than someone who was over-familiar and gushing!

That's good to hear, Luckygirl.

Good news, Luckygirl.

Since I last posted my mother has become very frail indeed and is suffering from heart failure. She continues to live in her own home but is almost entirely bedridden now, although is managing to use the commode and shower with assistance.

She has been receiving help twice a day for 1/2 hr each time, and we have now arranged for help at midday as well. What we naively assumed though is that they would know what needs doing and carry out what needs doing.

For example I prepare a ham and chicken salad with new potatoes ready in the saucepan to boil and serve with butter.

The plate held the salad and meat with a very obvious space. I didn’t think that I needed to point out that the potatoes needed serving. This morning the potatoes were found still in the saucepan.

It is clear that I shall have to outline every single thing that needs doing. Goodness knows what those poor souls do who don’t have someone to ensure everything is being done as it should.

We are having a meeting with the care provider and the social services on a Tuesday, and I shall make it clear then what we will need doing at each visit. We visit every day so can check.

Yes I know that carers are not paid adequately, but I have a mother to love and care for and I will, as well as ensuring she gets what she is paying for.

Please to hear of your improved situation lucky