Can I just share a secret with you all please?

Well done Ella keep it up. When my husband passed away 2yrs ago after 53yrs of marriage I became lonely all though family around when the evening came and on my own it was awful. But I turned to food the fattening the better.. Just got to a size 22 and realised what am I doing. Needed company tried different clubs but not for me being a business women all my working life. So I joined a dating site for 1 month.The day I was due to finish a man came on site right age really funny profile so took a chance on a coffee date. Terrified wasn't the word. But he was so nice understood as his wife passed away after 45 yrs marriage. Well we have been together now for 3 months a new life for me his family are happy and so are mine. We will marry next year to the delight of everyone so Ella things get better but you have to make the effort. I wish you all the best.

Well done Ella - not an easy thing to do. Does your husband drink at all? It can make things more difficult if there is alcohol in the house. What do you do with him - you say he asks 'What are we doing today?' Is it anything that he could do on his own - ie - taking the dog for a walk/doing some shopping/gardening? What does he like doing? Maybe you could set him on a path - my grandfather loved trains and jigsaw puzzles and was able to combine the two by doing complicated puzzles of trains! That kept him out of my grandmother's hair!

I joined the local council gym - cheap and not very chic but by the time I've got there and done my set of exercises I have time to notice lots of couples playing table tennis and there is a senior citizens class for general exercise. Could you persuade him to join?

Well done that is amazing x Maybe you could join a heath centre/spa place. I hate the gym but our local holiday inn has a leisure centre with pool sauna etc. It gives me somewhere to go and a bit of converation.

Huge Respect Xx

Just a thought, might he be interested in an allotment? It doesn't need to be a full one, half plots are also available. There's virtually no waiting list in our area, (I'm reduced to going round asking, "Do you know anyone who might like an allotment?")

The thing is, there is a purpose to being there. Many people are complete beginners, luckily weeding, digging and sowing seeds are fairly simple (sowing seeds instructions are on the packet). Surprisingly seeds grow!. He doesn't need to make friends, but they'll slowly find him! People are uncommonly generous, offering seedlings, advice or just chat about the weather. The exercise is good for him, a place where he can be quiet, a purpose and he doesn't have the painful experience of having to talk to strangers without a topic.

Well done from me too Ella (my mum was called Ella ) good luck to you ?

Well done to you, keep going you're a strong person & CAN do this.

Why not try some volunteering at a local hospital? My mom & dad do a shift every 2 weeks, in the league of friends shop at our local hospital xx

Well done, Ella.

I don't want to rain on your parade, but it is very easy to start again, especially if you have not confided in your husband and friends so you have someone to act as a back-up.

May I suggest that you contact Blue Cross or some other organisation that has groups of others who have also made the decision to stop drinking. It is an invaluable help to have someone to confide in, who a) is bound by professional confidentiality and won't gossip about you and b) is dealing with the same problem and knows what it is like.

If you can bring yourself to discuss things with your husband, it could help remove temptation. My husband is a dipsomaniac who doesn't want to drink, so we NEVER have any form of alcohol in the house. If you have to go out and buy it, it gives you time to reflect that you don't want or need it.

If you don't like the idea of Blue Cross or AA then all doctors and clergy can be talked to in complete confidence. You might not think nuns have any knowledge of drink and the desire to stop, but most of them are competent to talk to in this area.

You say retirement doesn't suit you, so please, do try to find some way of making it suit you. A new hobby, a part time job, voluntary work, join a club, help children with homework at your local library, shop for the housebound, whatever interests you.

If you can afford it, some trips away from home - anything to look forward to.

Keep up the good work! And a very big pat on the back for what you have already achieved.

Very well done Ella.

When your husband asks what are WE going to do today? - how about having him help you at a local charity shop (prearranged obviously). It might just help him to become more sociable, take him out of himself so as to speak and feel good about himself by helping others.

There are plenty of animal rehoming centres needing volunteers, Riding for the Disabled etc (you don't need to be a horse expert!) and it is something you could do together.

Then there are ballroom dance classes where you might just "rekindle and re-find" one another when dancing together in hold. You would also meet other couples (equally with two-left feet perhaps) and with the "Strictly" season on the horizon, you would find plenty to talk about afterwards and have a laugh during class too.

There are so many people on this site who would wish they still had their other half to share their life with. Just think your husband needs to be coaxed into regaining his confidence and by mixing with others he might then not be totally dependent on you (once he finds his feet).

(Just looking at the situation from a different perspective).

Keep up the good work with regard to yourself. You are doing well.

With regard to the above suggestions - obviously that doesn't mean that you cannot also do things on your own, as well as doing activities as a couple. Life is so short and you should both be enjoying your retirement. After all, you have both worked hard for it.

The very best of luck with everything Ella.

So well done!!! I went through a dreadful phase with alcohol aand seem to have come through it. I know just how hard it is.

You have managed a full week and there is no doubt you will continue given how you decided to stop smoking. You have to be admired. Retirement can take a bit of adjustment to your life. You have to go look for interests if you don't already have any. Have you thought about volunteering even just a couple of hours a week. All the well known charities are usually looking for folk hospitals, hospices, Honestart (helping families with young children). You have the strength of character to go out there and find something to interest and occupy you. Good Luck.

A huge well done from me, Ella, and for being brave enough in the first place to post.

Yes i agree also,about a good idea to get your health checked out,and a support group if you feel you need it?but if you really cant face it yet,its up to you.keep up the good work done so far

EllaKeat well done! I drank almost every night for 20 years, but stopped completely on June 26th and haven’t had a drop since. I currently have a cold, so this is a new challenge because in the past alcohol helped me to sleep and stopped me coughing. Have you thought about vaping? I have been doing a lot more of that since I stopped drinking. It’s also reawakened my sweet tooth. But everything (apart from smoking) is better than alcohol. I would also suggest a hobby, I am learning to speak German with Duolingo, which you can use free.

Look and see if there is a U3A (University of the Third Age) in your area. I joined after I retired and have been so busy. There are groups for all sorts of activities. You get to meet new people and have a break from the other half. If I had to spend 24/7 with mine we’d probably be heading for the divorce courts!!

Depends where you,i think U3A could be not a british thing?

EllaKeat amazingly well done! Day at a time. Find something that interests you and do that. Make use of your you time and fully enjoy it. Your husband needs to find out what he would enjoy too and perhaps there might be some overlap between you. If not you will have to just follow your own interests. Life is just too short to waste when there are so many amazing and enjoyable things to do. Good luck x

Well done Ella not only for not drinking but for being brave enough to post on here. I'm sure there are many in your position. I am guilty of drinking too much I think maybe. Fortunately I never touch spirits. Good luck.

EllaKeat and grannylyn65 well done both of you - it's such a hard thing to conquer. Onwards and upwards, wishing you all good things.

Ellakeat well done you! As for your other half,what about if he took up golf or bowls for fresh air& exercise? Or just took dog out?,or went to cinema?im sure theres lots he can do either alone,or sometimes with you,or with just 1 or 2 people he already knows/ trusts( sometimes the 'socially awkwardness' is a trust issue?)or if not yes,then give him a list of household chores to do,as suggested already,or could you& he volunteer at something together at first? So he gets used to people/ finds his feet?or a hobby he could take up,that he can do at home or elsewhere?if youre helping him 'branch out' it will help you too,as maybe he was bringing you down a bit as well?But do find things you can both enjoy together as well,maybe a meal or film out once a week,or a church or social club group,or even a long walk,(he may have been looking forward to retirement for your chance to do things together) so you dont want to end up living entirely separate lives,just finding a way to 'do your own thing' sometimes,then some things to share. Im sure you can help each other,but maybe in a while,if you felt you could tell your hubby the truth about your drinking,then he may want to help you?and you in turn,can help him with his social problem,and pull together,be strong for each other?im sure that it will be ok for you now.good luck for the future

Absolutely brilliantly well done!!!!

Hi Ella.

I work with families who have an alcohol abusing member, it's heartbreaking sometimes.
You are SO strong to be able to stop,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

The most important thing now, from what I've heard, is to fill your time productively, especially meeting people. The more you become part of the community the more likely you are to be able to keep it up. (At least that's what our experience shows.) He's not likely to be in a good place either if he doesn't have friends, or at least acquaintances.

Have you tried U3A? There are local branches everywhere and they have groups for everything, jazz, Italian, astronomy, singing, theatre visits, days out, crib, bridge, you name it. Surely he might be interested in one of these. If you accompanied him for a while (even if you're not desperately interested he's get to know people and after a while you could gradually drop out. People going to these U3A groups are often lonely, on their own and need to find friends. It can be desperately lonely after retirement with nothing to fill the day. (Maybe that might have contributed to you turning to drink?)

Best of luck, keep it up.

Thanks for sharing EllaKeat! What a strong and resourceful woman you are to acknowledge the problem then deal with it-I very much like BradfordLass72's comment about 'saving yourself...'. For me I would ban the 'R' word. My view is that we move into different phases of life, each one demands planning and structure to get the best out of it. I look forward to hearing about the next steps you take !

Hi Ellakeat.
You have taken the first step of asking for help by sharing your problem for which I hope you will be able to sort out. I feel that your next port of call could be either your GP or a councillor which will be absolutely comfidential. You have a problem which needs adressing and you should not feel ashamed about.
You have been brave enough to share it with us so why not take the next step.
I feel that you need proffessional support and should not be doing this on your own.
Hope that this helps and keep in touch.
My best wishes Carole.