Can I just share a secret with you all please?

Ellakeat I have just been reading on the BBC news page an article about the difficulties of adjusting to retirement, so your difficulties will be understood by many.

When working, my DH did a lot of overseas travel and, as I am a bit of a loner, I enjoyed days and weeks with the house to myself. It has taken a lot of adjusting to having him around nearly all the time, even though he is still working intermittently and has the occasional trip abroad.

But congratulations on stopping drinking. Could you find an outside activity both of you could do together and then find one or two you could do on your own? I can understand you going for the easy life when you were both working, but retirement brings a day to day forever togetherness, which I think many people, especially women find claustrophobic.

Well done from me too.
I wish you luck in finding interesting things to do.
I am still working. For one thing I enjoy it, secondly I too have a husband who likes to be and do things with me. I like it too but not all time. We all need a bit of variety in life.

I find most (not all) men are not keen on doing something they aren’t interested in.
Going to see a play for example or a sewing exhibition.
Ask him to go with you, when he says no then go on your own or with a friend. You will have given him the opportunity.
If he wants to stay at home give him a book, the remote control or a garden implement.

Well done from me too.
I hope you can keep it up.
I am a bit more like your DH in that I hoped to spend more time with mine when he retired but a leopard doesn't change his spots and he threw himself into voluntary work to the extent that I have to book time with him.

Well done - it's no mean feat giving up something you've become addicted to so keep it up. Good luck with your plans. I too keep threatening to do something about doing something but never quite getting round to it

Thank you all so much for the kindness and support - it really has been lovely.
I must admit, I had half expected some negative responses, and was braced for them, but to have received nothing but support, understanding and encouragement has been wonderful - thank you

I an busy today and tomorrow, but on Thursday I will do one thing - either join U3A (looks very interesting), or volunteer at a local wildlife site.

Thank you all.

Well done EllaKeat that's a great achievement. Keep going!

Hi Ladies, great job Ella Keat! I have wine before dinner and always look forward to that! But sounds like you realized a problem and dealt with it. My husband is a retired farmer. Was hoping we could move off the farm and start a new life together in town. No such luck! I make the best of it, joining new groups, traveling to see my grandkids, exercise classes etc. Do you meditate or pray? It helps!

Well done EllaKeat You clearly can be very strong so don't let your husband stop you now. Give him some ideas and they don't have to be 'social' ..... astronomy, creating a family tree, an online course, fishing. cooking, gardening, bird watching, collecting anything, etc the list is endless. If all else fails he can watch TV, read or just meditate!! Whatever but you should continue to be strong and proud. Live your life. (I am so glad I have no OH!).

Very well done. Keep it up! You need social interaction with others as well as your husband otherwise you will have nothing to chat about. I joined the WI - the group here is a young group who do fun things. Shop around for different things. Could you join the U3A together but go to different events sometimes? Get involved! Keep busy. Good luck!

Ella; I was like that with cigarettes and can't keep chocolate/biscuits/'nice' alcohol in the house. However, if the temptation isn't there I don't crave any of it...just have no willpower. I do understand you wanting time to yourself as well; I think you need to be assertive. My boss once told me I should go on an assertiveness course; never did but often wonder what happens on one and if it would have worked for me. Congratulations, by the way.

EllaKeat, well done you! Thanks for sharing your news.

First let me add my congratulations. Keep going

DH: 'Well what am I going to do?'

You: 'Clean the bathroom, change the beds, make yourself some lunch; look online for good books to read to grandchild; explore the Internet for websites about the things you enjoy; make a list of what you do like first ; plan for us to have a weekend away somewhere - where?; mow the lawn; take the dog out for a walk; plan a special meal with all our favourite foods, make a list of them first.
Anything to motivate him.

Alternatively, if he won't listen or act, what does he do when you are there? Watch TV?
If he's happier doing that, there's his answer.

Maybe he's your community project - he doesn't have to go out and meet people if he's not easy doing so.

What would he do if you simply were not there forever? This needs thought and planning too, for both of you.

My mother was totally lost when my father died unexpectedly (fit, active, not overweight - as I am but still going strong and active at 72) she didn't even know how to regulate the central heating.
Fortunately she had always dealt with the money, otherwise I hate to think what a pickle she would have been in.

A lot of planning goes into a happy and productive life - you can't just coast or you drift into inertia and depression.

You are in the process of saving yourself - now it's his turn.

Well done! It can't have been easy and you have done really well.

You've done brilliantly, just on your own, too!
I'm in awe of your willpower.
Well done, you!

Well done and keep it up. You've made the first step.

Well I don't know you and I am proud of you! That all takes some guts.

The next step is to make a life of your own so you do not need drink, or any other prop. Your OH is entitled to lead his life as he wishes, but he must not make you do the same - you have your life to lead and he needs to be gently but firmly told this.

I wish you lots of good luck with taking things forward.

First well done for making a great start
Secondly I too hate retirement I need purpose and I need commitment and to feel useful, needed to have a goal an in truth a reason to get up I have found all this in voluntary work and in community projects
It’s harder for you if your husband expects you to only do things with him but I think you have to make a little stand and mix and match your time between him and his leisure pursuits and something a bit more demanding
Good luck

Well done, EllaKeat! ?✊

Good luck ella, you’ve taken a huge step. Now it sounds as if you need to take a deep breath and have something to give you purpose. It is difficult to be with someone who views retirement differently and so has different expectations. I think the next step is about managing your husband’s expectations by explaining gently but firmly that your views differ. Volunteering is often incredibly helpful, it doesn’t have to take a whole day if a half day works better. Have a think what you would like to do then be brave and make it happen. Come back and chat to us if it helps, there’s always someone to listen.

Well done. Good luck with your new interest. Don’t let him drag you down. His choice if he doesn’t want a life you deserve one.

@grannylyn65 brilliant! I bet you feel so much better for it - I am looking forward to saving a lot of money (!), losing some weight and losing the feeling of panic when the bottle is nearly empty and I cant think of an excuse to go go to the shop!

I know Lessismore, but a lot of it is my fault.
I hate upset, so rather than have a few rows many years ago, I just kow-towed to what he wanted for an easy life. I am now reaping the rewards!

The problem is he has no life apart from me and our grandchild who he adores. He wont go anywhere on his own because he is socially awkward, so has no interests putside the home at all.
If i say I am going off for the day (I went on the march in London for the day) all I get is 'well, what am I going to do?'
And the sad answer is I have no bloody idea!

Anyway, purpose of the post was to have a little boast about how proud I am of myself for not drinking.

Next big post will be to tell you about my new voluntary work ?

Yes, I stopped after drinking a litre of vodka a day. Been a while now

I think you need something to give you a purpose again. Enroll in something you are interested in or join a group with like minded people.anything that gives you ‘me time’. Good luck x

Sorry, this is just so alien to me, partners who go all huffy because the other wants to take up and activity or see a friend.