A lonely frightening time.

Popped into M&S for a late breakfast and ordered "scrambled eggs on toast". AIBU to expect the eggs on the toast, and not "on the side" with the toast unbuttered (and consequently over crunchy) or was I just hangry? The display picture looks lovely with the eggs on the buttered toast!

I went through cancer myself not long ago, and I live alone. It's a lonely place to be dealing with something so frightening by yourself no matter if you are the patient or carer.
You can have free counseling from Cancer Support or similar.

I'm cancer free now, but I still cannot move forward I'm still living it. Sending you love and understanding x

My hubby has got prostate cancer and bladder cancer which hasn't spread so I am very optimistic. I just find that I can put on a brave face and cope as I don't think of the "what ifs". I haven't looked but I am sure there must be Facebook groups on the computer you can say how you feel and see how other people feel and get support

If there is a Maggie's Centre nearby this could be a source of comfort. There are things you cannot say to family sometimes but need an understanding outlet.

Life can be very difficult but recognising that there is a lot to be grateful for keeps me going.

I know there will be people who find this silly, but here goes. When DH was having treatment, he coped well (it worked - another story) but I was, like you, weighed down with being 'up' and 'on duty' so much of the time. Two things helped my coping. Every day if it was possible I did something unrelated to his condition - swim, choir, etc. And one day walking through the churchyard feeling alone I sat in the porch (church locked) where there was a print of an icon with a few words. Had a little weep, and realised that whether it's an objective truth in any way, the notion that we are not alone can help us cope when alone we cannot. So now I attend and am happy to have the support religion offers. - I am lucky this church is very traditional and does not simplify/patronise.

This is such a tough time for you also - I have been through this also, but I dealt with it thinking the remaining time we had together would be good and an adventure I just felt I owed this to my late husband who I so loved. Hold tight your doing with courage what we signed up for. Sending you a big hug. x

It’s exhausting putting on a happy face when all you want to do is cry. It’s what people expect. I know Facebook isn’t the best but if there is a support group out there for people in your situation, join it. It’s surprising how telling people in a similar situation how you feel does take a lot of the pressure off.

Oh I so feel for you and your Hubsand, with everything you are both going through. I don’t want to make this all about me however I was diagnosed in 2016 with terminal bladder cancer and am so fortunate to still be alive but I can appreciate all your fears and worries. To be told “not to worry” is the hardest thing, my Hubby worries daily about me and the next thing that could potentially take me out. He is my caregiver for now, and I see how tired and grey he has become on this shitty journey, I see him become anxious, I feel his pain. Death is something that will come to us all but when you are diagnosed with a life limiting illness, it forces you to face all the things you don’t want to have to face, your mortality for one.
You need to take care of you, try and take some time out, for a ladies lunch or have a hobby where you can be selfish and try and switch off, even if it is just for an hour.
YOU are important and your fears and worries need to be spoken about or it will end up driving you mad. I bet there are some things you haven’t dared to say out loud and every time they pop into your head, you will try to bury them. Do you have a close friend who you can say “just please listen to me” and get it all out? Or write it all down in a diary? Even those things you don’t want to think about, just getting those out can help emotionally. There just isn’t enough support, psychologically for those with cancer and for those who support us... my Hubby is having counselling, his 4th time now since I have been diagnosed, it gives him the chance to talk about whatever he wants and I think that’s helping. He also was prescribed antidepressants as sometimes the weight is too much to bare.
Sending you a massive hug ❤️❤️❤️

Calpurnia Is there anything you can do now and again to reduce the pressure. I find it difficult to think of anything, but possibly drive out to a remote place and scream for as long as you can, or lie there and cry until you can cry no more.

Some times in situations like yours, everybody is so kind and supportive, and you need to be so cheerful for those about you, that to find a quiet place to let all your inner pain and despair and not be comforted can be cathartic and give you the strength to go on.

I'd strongly advise finding people you can speak honestly to about the emotional strain you're under. It really does help, and there will be something available somewhere. You've taken the first step by posting here. You can't support your husband without support for yourself. Perhaps you could have a look online and see if anything sounds as if it might be helpful?

Hello Calpurnia. I am so sorry to read about your husband's cancer. I am the other side of this having had breast cancer that had started to spread before diagnosed and treated.

In the town where I live there is a charitable organisation that offers free counselling and support for people who have cancer, but also for relatives, friends and carers of cancer sufferers. They are called We Hear You or WHY. Their contact number is 01373 455255 and they do now do phone support as well. But as others have said, Macmillan are really good and I so hope that you and possibly also your husband, can find the help, love and support you so badly need. ?

My 10 month old grandson who i have started to mind recently gets very upset and cries a lot . My daughter in law is very critical of me . I feel like a lost teenager about to burst into tears its knocked my confidence. Any advice and does anyone else feel this way. I feel she resents me looking after him as she has just started a new job

I really feel for you. All we need at these times is just to feel heard. It is exhausting having to put on the mask every day. I know in our state there are organizations that you can ring and talk to someone who has been through a similar situation. They can be very helpful. Ask the social worker at the hospital for support agencies, I am sure you can get help there. They have been an enormous help to our family and they do not say things that only make it worse, and yes they listen! All the best and ring!!

Very difficult time for you. Marie Curie offer services I think, like counselling and help. Also, get in touch with Macmillan. Speak to your family and friends truthfully and let them know how you feel. I agree with Lucky Girl above.

Maybe they are all in denial because they don't want to believe that the worse can happen?
I would suggest that you find yourself a support group through Macmillan or Cancer research or possibly your GP surgery or local hospice will have information of a group. To be able to sit and talk with people in a similar situation or people that have been through it , will give you some strength that you are not alone with your fears as well as giving you a break from the caring for a couple of hours .
Beyond that, I can only wish you well and as others have said, Gransnetters are always her for you

PS - our local hospice has been brilliant. They had him for a 2 week respite stay, they offer me free counselling and massages etc. and just generally take their role with carers as seriously as theirs with the patient. Your GP can make a referral.

Calpurnia - I am in a broadly similar situation, but my OH is in the terminal stages of Parkinsons Disease - immobile and needing vast amounts of care.

I do understand the emotional roller-coaster that goes with this sort of situation - one bit of me wants him to stay alive, and the other wants this miserable life for us both to come to an end.

I will tell you how I deal with it: I make no attempt to hide how I am feeling or how hard it is. Friends and family are a shoulder to cry on and do no not pretend that all is well. I am wholly up front with how I am feeling and trust them to react sensibly and sensitively to this - which thankfully they do. My DDs are quite clear that they do not want a constant brave face, and that they too are suffering and want to share this with me - so we can prop each other up.

The other side of that is that it is important to bring the sadness to an end - for example, I go to a sewing group, and when I arrive they ask how things are and I sock it to them (good or bad) and they say all the right things; but then I always say "Right, that's enough of that!", as all their news and signal that we need to move on and get on and sew!

It is the same with my children - they hear how bad things are, then pick up my need to move on to another subject.

I will be honest with you - I think you are adding another burden to your life by trying to put up a pretence of coping - that is such blooming hard work! People cannot help you through this time unless they know what the problems are. Let me give you an example - I was talking to a friend about my need for some respite and when she heard I was looking at nursing homes to see what might be suitable, she realised that it was going to be emotional for me and offered to come with me. I really appreciated that and it was a huge help. If I had kept my feelings to myself she would never have been able to make that kind offer.

I was told that my OH was dying about 2 years ago and I did a lot of adjusting to that harsh reality; only to find he has not died - he is still with us. I cannot tell you the mixed emotions that this brings - it is a minefield in my head! But it is a shared minefield and that helps me to stay afloat.

- these are for you. Please pm any time.

Calpurnia, you need to look after yourself too or you cannot look after your husband. I imagine the fact he is not talking about it will be that he sees his role perhaps as trying to protect you? I don't know you so rather guessing here. If Macmillan or any other charity has counselling or drop-in places for carers do please go. I know Macmillan puts leaflets in our local library. Yes, it is a lonely place but I do agree with the advice of taking the situation one day at a time. You still need to get out on your own on the odd occasion too. Whether it be going to a support group, a lunch with a friend or a browse in the shops.I can see there are alot of good people on this thread with good advice. Please don't be afraid and dont feel you are alone.

Oh Calpurnia you poor lady. My heart goes out to you. Inside you must be anxious and churned up, dreading what the future holds.

Death is something we hate to contemplate. It’s either sudden, a shock, totally unexpected (a heart attack, a tragic accident) or it’s the way you are watching - constantly ‘on the alert’ for signs of worsening health (you will be watching him like a hawk I expect) dreading what is to come.

There is no good way. Very few of us just close our eyes and don’t wake up.

The sudden way is, albeit a few seconds, unknown to the deceased but family are shocked to their core. Acceptance takes a while as our minds have to calibrate the awfulness of what just happened.

The other way is heart rending. Every day, waking up it’s the first thought that slams into you.

Others have given such wonderful advice for coping.

Post on here brave lady when you need some kindness and a virtual hug. We will be here any time you need us. x

I understand how you feel, I had cancer and DH has been diagnosed with it too. The family do not know about DH's illness and we deal with it on our own.
We live our lives the best we can and try not to dwell on the what ifs.

I am very truly overwhelmed by all your kindness. It has really helped me more than anything else.

Cornergran - I feel exactly as your friend describes about public and private faces. When we are out and about - I make sure we do something nice every day - I look at people and wonder that their lives are going on and mine has stood still.

I know this is irrational but at times I feel I am losing my grip. I have always been a very busy, capable, can do person so I suppose family and friends see me like this now - and perhaps feel I am coping with it all. It is the largest elephant in the room.

I do not want to let my husband down and honestly try to care for him the best I can. I have started taking lots of pictures of him, even if we are out and stop for a coffee. I always make sure I take lots of pictures when we are together as a family.

I went to my lovely GP about six months ago. She told me I had “Anticipatory Grief” and nothing would make it easier. I can and do cope quite well but as you all know it is never easy.

Thank you all again - you have certainly made my day a little easier.

Calpurnia, I have nothing really to add to the wonderful posts that have been made already.
I just wanted to say that you are being very brave and in coming here and opening up, you have done the right thing.
There are many who can give their support, and that is a blessing.
We have had a not very good year, but I do know that talking about things is such a help.
As others have mentioned, do come back here to let off steam. Just the fact of writing it all down, also helps.
Take care sounds trite, but it is meant with loving thoughts.
{{{hugs}}} to you.

Your coping with such an awful situation wonderfully. Your feeling of waiting for an unexploded bomb really resonates with me because my son is on the same awful journey waiting for the bomb to explode. Most of the time his wife, him and the whole family cope by pretending nothing is wrong. How else can any of us expect to live day to day if we don’t. I sometimes think we pretend because to face the awful inevitable we would just completely break down so we all just pretend and plan for future events that we know won’t happened. After three plus years I haven’t found a better way.
Like you my son occasionally feels overwhelmed and he comes to us and really let’s rip. His anger, his fear, his terrible awful sadness just pour out of him. I know that really really helps him. I hope that you can find someone to confide in perhaps your GP or contact McMillan and ask for some counselling for you. My admiration for your strength in this harrowing situation is boundless, what a wonderful loving brave wife you are. I wish you the strength to continue to cope on this horrible journey. I’ll keep you both in my thoughts.

We are in almost the same boat Calpurnia
DH is being treated though which keeps the hope alive. But like you we are in denial.
When DH was diagnosed 2016 . I said I would give up my activities and devote myself to his care. He said "why? I'm not going to give up anything as long as I can"
So we just take each day now. I feel sorry for myself often.
I would say try to do things that make you happy. Avoid people who don't.
Some find the Maggie's centres a great sanctity. Is there one near you?.
I am also on a support group on facebook.
Having to answer when people ask after him is hard isn't it. I know they mean well but while he looks well they assume he's recovering.
All the very best to you from a fellow sufferer.

The not knowing can be so hard calpurnia. Having watched close friends go through the same thing I agree, a support group can make all the difference. I recall one saying the gap between the face she showed to the world and what was going on inside was getting so big she was afraid she would fall in two. She was able to talk honestly to some friends which made a huge difference. Your husband may not want to approach Macmillan or your local hospice but do check out the carer and family support they offer. It’s not giving in or being negative but a way of helping you go forward with him. As other have said there will always be someone her to listen, sometimes easier to ‘talk’ to people in an anonymous way. Sending you a virtual hug.