A lonely frightening time.

Feeling for you Calpurnia. I too kept positive as I did not want DS and DD to worry about their dad, and DH did not want to talk about it and was very positive as well, and had every faith in his doctors. He would just say that there was nothing we could do to change things, and no point in worrying until the inevitable happened. In that way we kept going and made the most of every day, which worked for us. Sorry I don't know what other advice to offer, only you and your DH can work out what is best for you.

It’s the hardest thing in the world to keep going in such difficult circumstances especially when everyone else seems to be moving forward when you feel like you are in a bubble of terror and standing still while everything whirls past you.

It’s one year next week that my lovely DH died from cancer here at home with me and I felt as you do as he was in denial throughout his illness. You will cope with help, have you even discussed practicalities for when he does deteriorate?

I could not of coped if it were not for the Marie Curie nurses support so do use anything that is offered.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to. I wish you well

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank you all for your kind replies. Unfortunately the cancer has spread. My husband's very kind and caring Consultant said no treatment could be offered and “when the time comes” his situation will be reassessed.

For now he appears well and mercifully pain free. I feel like I am expecting an unexploded bomb to go off sometime soon and this frightens me.

I have spoken to very kind Macmillan staff who all assure me that they will be there for us both (eventually). They too have said “one day at a time" and to take each day as it comes - which I wholeheartedly do.

I pretend too that nothing is wrong and everything is going to be ok. My husband is dealing with it by not dealing with it so one year on from surgery we have not spoken about his condition. He is making plans for the next five years so I go along with it too. This too makes me feel so alone.

What a wonderful support it is to have the collective kindness and wisdom of you all, especially from those who have been through similar circumstances.

You say your OH has cancer. Is he having active treatment or is treatment planned? Or are we past that stage? Just having that diagnosis is not an automatic death sentence. And there are many different types .
It is so difficult to strong always and you need to be able to talk to someone.
Macmillan are very good and may have an office at your local hospital where you can walk in and chat to them.
But always remember Gns are here to listen.

I feel for you Calpurnia and can bring few words of comfort except hang on in there, rant on GN or wherever you feel easiest, (but it is easiest with those who do not know yourDH personally) . Look for support groups though, - there is often one at your local hospice , specifically for family or main carers and of course there may be a local carers’ organisation in your area too.
What you don’t need are the platitudes you are hearing which arise because others are as frightened as you but unable to express it.
It would help if your close family could move beyond this and face the truth with you but you may also be underplaying things as it is often a mum thing to protect our children.
It is a hard and lonely place so please please be as free as you wish here on GN
I gained much support from my “online support group”.
And finally, do you and your DH talk about things? I look back and realise I was so determined to be strong that my head was firmly in the sand at times and I refused to cross any bridge until I came to it.
I wish I had confided my fears and shared them with DH sometimes instead of my way which was to put one foot in front of the other. We are all different and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Does the Cancer Society in the UK run support groups?

Quite often there are support groups for specific cancers, such as the Prostate Cancer support group and so on.
Google should be able to help.

I think you need to find a place where you can talk absolutely honestly, rant and rave if you wish, and perhaps receive advice and help.

Family and friends are doubtless reluctan to 'hear it like it is' because they are scared too and have no idea what to do or say when you open your heart.

So you really do need to talk all this over with a person, or people who will take you seriously and understand what you're going through.

My sympathies to you, Calpurnia. I could have written your post myself two or three months ago when my OH developed one serious complication after another following cancer surgery. The relentless having to be strong and upbeat for him and the rest of the family for month after worrying month was very very draining. I found support from friends and family kept me going and I know that you will find tremendous support from the lovely people on Gransnet whenever you need it. Thinking of you.

Thank you so much to the kind GN’s who have replied. I am very grateful for your kind thoughts.

MissAdventure you said exactly how I feel - that people think I am making a fuss or exaggerating - when I am absolutely not. I feel I am the only one who knows what is going on.

I knew Gransnetters would understand - thank you.

You poor soul. I hope your husband continues to be stable for many years.

I understand your frustration. You are suffering too, and it must be very difficult to keep on a brave face when you want to offload. I think that some people find it impossible to sympathise without using platitudes.

I hate it too. ‘I’m sure everything will be fine.’ ‘You’ll have to hope for the best.’ ‘Wait and see what happens.’ Aarrgghh! But I don’t think they mean to be uncaring - it’s just too much for some people to deal with.

Could you ask your doctor, or your husband’s oncologist, if there is a support group that you could attend? There might be people there who will become friends, and who will understand from experience how you feel.

I would contact Macmillan and see if they could offer you any support. Thinking of you and your husband.

You can always come and chat on here, too.

Serious or silly, or ask for help if you're feeling low; there are some incredibly kind people, and they will support you.

Calpurnia, both you and your husband are brave people. So glad that his cancer is 'stable'. It's such a frightening time for you all.
BUT , life and death are not in our hands. Don't spoil today by worrying about tomorrow. Easy to say, hard to do. I am also like you - a worrier. You are looking after your husband and Ofcourse you're tired.
When you feel you want to offload, come here. There are lots of lovely people, some of who may be going through the same thing as you and will offer you much more empathy and advice than I can. Be strong

This is so hard for you. People often don't want to face up to things and so brush it under the carpet and hope everything will be OK. You need someone to unload to, have you a good friend who could help? It might be worth having a word with your GP to see if there is any help there. I also believe Macmillan is very good.

I do hope you can find some help.

Oh you poor soul.
I know exactly how you feel - its like an elaborate game of 'lets pretend' sometimes isn't it? Exhausting!

People always seem to cling onto the fact that someone looks well, too. Maybe just me, but I sometimes felt people were disbelieving, thinking I was making a fuss, or exaggerating.