Just had bad news

SallyB392

Just read your post, my heart goes out to you, you all sound brave and stoical, and supporting each other.

Not quite the same, but my son has terminal cancer, he received his diagnosis in 2015 when they discovered he had cancer of the Oesophagus, which had moved to his lungs, and liver. He had surgery several times, chemo and radio, but to delay the inevitable. 2 years ago, they found a new primary tumour in his prostate which had moved into his bones.

He now has palliative care, he should be taking things easy, being the sick young man (33), but despite a variety of tubes he just carries on.

When he was First diagnosed I went into panic mode, but as time has gone by, he has had various complications, a few weeks in ICU with infections etc., but he is still living as a normal young man, working, getting drunk (apparently using a syringe rushes the effect and it's cheaper), & planning his wedding, somehow we have stopped being desperate, his inevitable death doesn't mean anything.

I can't describe the love I feel or the fear for the future , but the feeling is no longer desperate or imminent. Life is going on, and will keep going on until he changes.

The news that you have had is horrible, but love will go on, if you want to support your son and his family, try not to be worried, everyone is different, your daughter in law could continue with an active life for years, what they need is consistency, just be there for them.

i would ask for a 2nd opinion.i have had cervical cancer 4 and i had mine lasered out at least 10 years ago. i was told the same thing ,but nothing happened .ok i know i got a cyst on my ovaries ,but after a scan thay said it was tiny. so i let things roll. and today there is still a cyst.my mum died of ovarian cancer ,so maybe i hold the cancerous gene.been tested for ovarian cancer and i am clear. so i would go back for a 2nd opinion if its true contact macmillan ,they really good with advice etc..enjoy your life now .make memory boxes..just be there to help with little things that would mean a lot to them ,and above all PRAY...////

So sorry to hear your news, but as others have said, there is progress being made all the time with new treatments. Very best wishes to you all

I am very sorry.

I am so very sorry to hear your news. I can understand your need to weep long and deep. Thank goodness your daughter-in-law knows she can depend on your help and support; you sound like a lovely, close-knit family. You will find reserves of strength you never knew you had and, once you all adjust to the news, life will still be rich and wonderful with plenty of new memories to be made. Children too, never fail to amaze me in their resilience, and your presence will help them tremendously. I wonder, would it be an idea to get a second opinion on the prognosis, even if it only confirms the same? I am sure your daughter is receiving all the help and medication available, and, as has been said on here already, advances in cancer treatment are progressing all the time so that more people are living with cancer for much longer. (I have been treated for cancer myself (breast); the thought of return is so frightening.) I hope your DIL is satisfied with her treatment so far, but she has the right to choose another hospital should she feel it necessary. I only mention this as I know this can happen sometimes and not everyone is aware of options. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xxx

Heartfelt empathy Craftycat. From someone who has been in your shoes and whose DIL lost the battle, the future will feel very uncertain. I have never felt so helpless, but have since learned that "just being there" was supportive, and you will find little ways of helping as you take it in turns to "lose it". Let her know she is loved and appreciated (without making it a big thing or it's just because of the health issue). When the final diagnosis was made and time was limited we tried to make it as happy and memorable as possible, this was good for our future without her as well as that present with and for her. We talk of her often, with love and laughter - and private tears.

Craftycat I am so terribly sad and sorry to read of you and your family’s bad news. Heartfelt best wishes to you all. ?

I really feel for what you are going through. It's very sad but not uncommon. My girlfriend died of cancer when her daughter was two. It was traumatic for all of us. Just be there for her. Listen if she wants to talk or sit with her in silence if she doesn't. If it turns to.custard at least she has you there to love the kids.maybe she can write then letters to mark milestones or record videos. Try and create happy memories and photos of mummy and the kids doing happy things. They will be better things for them to look at if she doesn't make it.

You will feel life has really knocked you for six. Awful to be living with the threat of spread. You say it may be over years, could you possibly in some small way be able to hope that with the research and treatments that are ongoing there may be some treatment available to help. Yes, I do understand about the writing down. Lost my DD in April and I occasionally vent my feeling by writing.

I am so sorry to hear your so sad news Craftycat and the way it was told.
But take heart because things are advancing so much in the treatment of cancer and with treatment your DIL could still be here for many years yet. It is more likely to appear in one area and that can be cured or held back by treatment. And so it goes on. I had breast cancer and was clear for 23 years until I was diagnosed with metatastic breast cancer with metastases on my spine last year. It cant be cured but can be treated as can your DIL's. Please read about it on the Macmillan or cancer care pages. I am sure it will help you a lot. I know what a shock it must have been for you and your family but you will find there is a lot of positive information available online. Big hugs to you.

I’m so sorry to hear your news. At this time, my husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I can understand some of what you’re feeling. Having said that, my mum died when I was 14, my sister was 6 years old. We weren’t told about mum, I guessed she had breast cancer when I was 12. Please, please take some advice on how to handle your DiLs illness from the children’s point of view. My dad was an alcoholic and left me to care for my mum and look after my sister, the house, shopping, cooking, washing my mum and feeding her. She even died in her bed with me in the early hours of the morning. Yet, I wasn’t allowed to go to her funeral because I was ‘too young’. So, for me and my sister, there was no final goodbye. No chance to grieve. For my sister, mum was there and then she was gone. That was 50 years ago now but both my sister and I have suffered in one way and another since she died. Things have moved on now and children are considered more. Please look into how this awful, untimely and tragic situation can affect her children and how best to handle it.

You are not alone. There has been a recent diagnosis of cervical cancer in my family. There are two girls, ten and twelve. I don’t know what the outcome will be and how everyone will cope. I am so sorry. Life is hard.

I really dont know what to say to such devastating news. I do agree with Hotmama that great strides are being made in cancer treatment and hopefully there may be something on trial that can be given. Have a good cry and then another. You are stronger than you think. My thoughts are with you.

Take every opportunity to make lovely memories. You are going to need to be so strong supporting both your son and grandchildren. Crying does often help, don't bottle up your feelings. Post on GN as often as you need, someone will always be here to respond to your posts - we're a big support group. Only sorry we can't offer practical help.

I’m so sad and sorry to read your post. I do totally, totally agree with DaisyL about getting a second opinion and explore every avenue of treatment . Especially make sure that a third party ( friend , relative) is there at all consultations. I was the ‘scribe’ for my best friend when she was diagnosed, it was a positive thing for me to offer, and helpful to her close family .
You are allowed to cry, don’t bottle it up . Pm if it helps, and stay on Gransnet. X

So sorry to hear such sad news Craftycat.. I hope you (and all your family)can cry when you need to... sometimes you will be able to be strong and other times not quite so much but be kind to yourselves. Sending love and big hugs

Very, very sad. The Macmillan nurses are wonderful and will give you and your son the support you need at this sad time. Reach out to anyone who can support the family and yourself. I can't imagine what you're going through.

What very sad news and terrible for the whole family. On a practical level it would be worth asking for a second opinion with another consultant oncologist and for your son and DIL to go there with a list of questions and to ask if they can record the appointment. It is often impossible to remember what was said n those circumstances. It is not an exact science guessing how long someone has got, but there may be treatment options and even trials that might be suitable and whilst it is really important to make the most of life it is also worthwhile exploring all their options. Whatever happens goo luck to the family and I'm sure you will all give each other great support.

I'd say just let it out and have a really good cry, and if you need to do that every day, then do it. It's absolutely heartbreaking. It always seems to me that the nicest people go early and the evilest ones last forever. Life is so very very unfair. I'm glad you are close by and will be there to help pick up the pieces. Love and virtual hugs to you. :'(

So desperately sad to hear this news, Craftycat. There are many wise words above, and from some who have had a similar experience. The support of family, friends and the professional groups is vital, and I believe talking it through, rather than bottling it up, is so important. There is so much love and kindness out there. Sending love and positive thoughts to you and your family.

I’m so sorry to read your awful news, Craftycat. Sending love to you and your lovely family. I hope your DDIL’s treatment works miracles for her xx

Shocking news for you Craftcat. ? You really must shed the tears, It’s a release but stay strong for your lovely family and do everything you can to make happy memories. Sending love to you. ?

I am so sorry for you and your family craftycat.
If it is any comfort I know someone who has had stage 4 cancer for several years. She has regular treatment which is keeping the cancer at bay. She looks very well at the moment. Meanwhile she is making the most of the time she has left, she travels a lot and enjoys life. . She is one of the strongest and most positive people I know.
Wishing you and your family well. .

So very sorry, its such a tragedy when it is someone so young and also for your son and grandchildren. Thank goodness you are close to help if the time arises. All I can say is that a friend who is in her 40s was diagnosed with terminal cancer about 7 years ago, she remains well even though the cancer has come back in different places requiring surgery. When she got the original diagnosis she was told a very similar thing to your dil and we all thought she wouldn't last the year out. Sometimes I wonder if the very truthful and blunt way people are told is a good thing or not., surely better to live in a certain amount of ignorance than always be wondering how long you have left.