OH now on end-of-life care.

Thinking of you, LuckyGirl, and hoping those upsetting memories fade away - in my experience they do eventually. Dementia caused my mother to say some truly horrible, dreadfully upsetting things to me, things she’d never have said pre dementia. To my brother, too, I had never known a normally robust and jolly type so terribly upset.

But she died in 2015 and those memories have faded. One thing I still can’t quite get out of my head, though, was just before she died. She had advanced dementia by then, was 97 and hadn’t known any of us for a long time. . One of us was with her the whole time when we knew she was dying, she was apparently unconscious and there was no sign that she knew we were there, or could hear us.

But just before she died, her face contorted most horribly, as if she was in agony. I was so shocked - it was like something out of a horror film, when I’d expected just a quiet cessation of breathing. It was only for seconds, and she was gone.

I didn’t tell any of my siblings for ages, I didn’t want to distress them. I’ve since asked a few medics what could have caused it - nobody seems to know.
Even the awfulness of that is finally fading now, though.

It was the faces that bothered me the most Lucky that look of absolute terror and hatred . Very hard to erase from my memory.

He’s doing okay thank you, but I fear I have lost the man he used to be forever .

Sending you much love and strength for the days ahead xx

Oh gilly - I know how horrible that is. About a week before he died he called m a stupid cow and told me to go away and die. And there were frequent obscene suggestions - that b*** illness just took him away long before he actually died. It is a cruel illness.

You have my sympathy - I hope he is a bit more back to himself now.

That must have been hard for you to hear gilly ?

?

I remember sitting beside my DH for up to 15 hours a day, 7 days a week while he was in an induced coma on ICU . His very first spoken words to me (via a tracheostomy speech valve) were
“Why don’t you just jump off the **ing cliff” .

This wasn’t my DH talking . It was the results of the drugs, the trauma and the illness.

Do not beat yourself up Lucky . You were (are ) a very good wife and you did the very best that anyone could do under the circumstances . Caring is often a thankless task .

Thinking of you xx

Luckygirl - you absolutely did your best for him. We are all witnesses to the struggles you had with authorities, carers, trying to find and fund a good place for him.
Once the immediate intense organisational activities are past I hope you find a calm after the storm and slowly begin to regain your equilibrium. No rush though. Take it easy.

Oh Luckygirl how terribly sad, but you did not fail at all - you can see that you did your very best for him, and I am pleased that it is now over, he isn't suffering and you are able to get some peace too ... try and look after yourself too xx

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, lucky.
It's been a difficult path, but you walked every step with your husband and never faltered.

Condolences to you and the family Luckygirl. You have had a tough time, but you cared for your hubby so well.
Give yourself time to recover from all the stress and worry.

Great post merlot.

Luckygirl, I think they aim their fears, frustrations and paranoia at the one person they know will never let them down because they can.

It's only human to feel exasperated when you are doing everything possible to make the end of their life bearable.

Be comforted by the cards. Put them in a box when you take them down so you can read them again when you are further along the grieving road.

Wherever he is, your DH knows you did your best for him.

Ah, Luckygirl. . There are always what-ifs in life but it’s only natural to ponder on whether we could have done things differently. I can’t imagine there was anything more you could have done for your husband. You absolutely loved him to the very end (and still do, of course) - who could possibly ask for more?

Please don't dwell on things. I think it is a normal part of grieving to have regrets. You will come to the realisation that you did your very best. We all know you did. You are only human and you'd have to have the patience of a saint not to get exasperated when you are under all that pressure.

(((hugs)))

I have received so many cards and messages telling me how well I did in caring for him as long as I did; and finding him such an excellent nursing home. I am finding these hard; as I feel that I failed him in so many ways. I just remember being exasperated when he refused his meds on the grounds that I was poisoning him; and all the times when I just felt so desperate with the whole caring role. It is all so hard to deal with. I have to keep telling myself that I did my best.

I too am thinking of you. As people have said you will have already mourned but will eventually be able to remember him as he used to be.

Maybe you and your girls could have a little break somewhere nice in a few weeks as the weather improves?

Poor you lucky. Not much help but I am thinking of you.

Thank you.

The girls have all been here supporting me - well supporting each other - we have spent a couple of evenings round the fire just remembering him - and there have been lots of tears.

There is so much to organise - I am so tired!

I hope this brings a little comfort Luckygirl as it did for me when my dad died.
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me and if you want to, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
For an interval,
Somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.

All is well.

So sorry, Luckygirl. Thinking of you at this very sad time.

I am so so sorry Luckygirl.
My thoughts are with you all.

Sending my sincere condolences Luckygirl, it has been a long and hard road. Be kind to yourself

I am so sorry. What a dreadful ordeal for you both. He had your love and support to the end. All best wishes.

So sorry Luckygirl but the right outcome for all of you, including your DH.?

I’m sending you my deepest condolences, Luckygirl. You are in my thoughts and prayers.